This week, the tycoons of tomorrow (and the satellite installation men and bank managers) had to troop over to my manor – the glorious town of Hackney – where they all stood about looking smarter than they actually are. The main lobby looks a lot swisher than it did when I was there to pick up some important forms, I ought to add.
Old Alan made a very clunky speech regarding births, marriages and deaths. ‘I was registered as being born here, in 1852′. ‘My marriage was registered here and, most probably, my death’ll be registered here after I’ve ‘ad you lot in the boardroom one too many times!’ Ho ho! The Apprentices smiled the smiles of a classroom of scared children.
The task was as follows: come up with a theme for a greetings card, make five examples on that very theme and then pitch it to buyers. Tesco, Celebrations and Clintons being the big fish expected to take the contestants’ dangling maggots.
Old Man Alan put Michael ‘It’s Gore-tex’ Sophocles in charge of one team, guaranteeing hilarity. This was compounded by his making Kevin ‘Nails’ Shaw the leader of the other. If laughs didn’t follow, the show’s raison d’etre would fall apart. Obviously it didn’t and we were subject to ineptitude and incompetence on a grand scale.
Sophocles was a sulky, confused kitten throughout and basically delegated everything to Raef, who rose to the challenge, despite a couple of hiccups. We were reminded of Sophocle’s vox pop – that he would manipulate anyone to get to where he’s going. In this case, manipulation appeared to be asking people ‘can you do this?’ so that he didn’t have to. His first idea, which he really tried to push, was a plastic surgery themed greetings card. Along the lines of ‘Congratulations on your penis extension!’, one assumes. It didn’t go down too well, despite the fact that Raef championed it, stating that the women he’s met what’s ‘ad ‘em done are always only to happy to pop them out on request, so would love a card. I think that says rather more about the feminine company Raef keeps than the fairer sex.
Instead, Raef piped up later on with a brainwave. Let’s do a National Singles Day! Or a National Singles’ Day… With an apostrophe, somewhere. Or not. Does it have an apostrophe? They took four hours to work it out. They called the Editor of a national newspaper. They ummed and aaahed. They didn’t come up with a definitive answer, despite Raef declaring earlier that words are his tool…’ He’s got skills in that field ‘to… er… ah….you know… full capacity.’
The actual answer, fact fans, is that you can either have the apostrophe or not. It’s up to you. It can be the national day of many singles, which requires no apostrophe, or it can be the national day belonging to singles, which does require one. Bearing in mind, from a marketing perspective, the public is a bit thick, best to go without punctuation. It only confuses people. If in doubt…etc…
Before all this was going on, a proof-reading frenzy no less, the photographs were being shot by the stony-silent Jennifer, mute and still smarting from last week’s humiliation. Doing all the work on her behalf were the loggerheaded Lucinda and Helene – two women who can’t be in the same room without arguing. And we all know what that means, right lads? Sapphic sexual tensions! Next week they’ll be lezzing up with the best of them, mark my words… ‘Nobody’s telling me what to do’ said the alien life-form, Helene. Lucinda diplomatically responded by calling her ’sweetheart’ in that patronising posho voice she does so well.
Kevin fell into a similar trap as Michael – allowing a stronger contestant to take the reins whilst floundering. ‘820%’ Kevin said he was going to give, which I thought was pathetic. Why not 830%, Kev? Up the ante! It turned out that Sophocles was lucky his rein-man was Raef. Jenny, the red-headed goon was the architect of Kevin’s downfall. The scary part is that neither of them realised they were working on a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, SHIT idea.
Greetings cards to remind people to be ecologically sound. A ‘Save The Planet’ day. I think that’s what it was going to be called. They wavered between that and ‘Save the Earth’, without actually settling on one. Later, Kevin even said – after a pitch went spectacularly badly – ‘with that kind of attitude they aren’t gonna be saving any planets’. So I’m not even sure it was Earth he was babbling on about.
With two hours to go before the pitch and with scrawled handwriting on the walls, Kevin started flapping his feathers and bottling the pitch. Jenny and Claire refused to do it, with there only being two hours prep time left, leaving Kevin to pitch himself and dig his own grave. All credit to him, the boy is sure handy with a shovel.
There were echoes of the time, a couple of series ago, when Nargis pitched a kitten calender. Remember that? Well this was ten times worse, given that Kevin has an amusing accent, a small boy’s face and gets very aggressive when queried. At one point he instructed the buyers that not buying the goods would be equivalent to America ‘not caring about pollution’. Quite a claim.
Raef pitched quite well but came across a couple of brick walls as Sophocles had put his singles day date at February 13th – the day before National VD. What a plank. Fortunately, by the third pitch, that was changed and they fared better. At one point, the most unlikely scenario possible happened when Lee McQUEEN saved Raef in a boardroom as he stumbled over the plums in his mouth.
And so, to the boardroom.
Wally Bazoom, a regular on WWM, mentioned to me the other day that I should imagine the sound of a toilet flushing as Old Alan emerges from behind the frosted glass to judge the contestants. Now I can’t shift it from my head, and it detracts from the gravitas, to an extent.
Sophocles was grilled and he responded with petulant looks around the room, like a kid who COULDN’T BELIEVE he was being told off. ‘Don’t get impatient with me, young man’ said Alan. Then the bearded one turned on Kev. ‘I just wanted to learn how to pitch’ said Kevin, squeaking rodent-like.
When the scores were read out, Kevin lost by some margin. Sophocles, in one of the funniest boardroom moments I’ve ever seen, shouted COME ON!
Not once, but twice, whacking his fist into his palm. In a crafty edit, Margaret responded with amazed revulsion. Sophocles was reprimanded then sent off to listen to Myleene Klass banging away on an old Joanna. Raef smiled at him, lovingly.
Like the fool he is, Kevin resisted making Jenny part of the instant death trio and took Sara and Claire. Claire, it should be pointed out, worked harder than when she was Team Leader. Sara, it ought to be pointed out, was only there because Jenny bullied her and Kevin made a huge tactical error in thinking he could swing Old Alan round to believing she was at fault. He didn’t, for one moment, stating that he was old enough to know when someone’s being ‘ganged up on’. A rare victory for wisdom in The Apprentice and an even bigger victory for those of us who think Sara is a smashing looking lass.
The end sequence was, I think, a first for the format. We were treated to extended highlights of the two saved contestants returning to the house where LEE MCQUEEN discarded any public goodwill he’d gathered by shouting at Sara like he was on the fucking footie terraces, in the 80s, pumped full of Skol. As Alex joined in with a whiney beep, Raef, to his credit, stuck up for Sara, who looked on the verge of tears. Thankfully, before it all went Big Brother on us, it ended - leaving us hungry for more poison. A brilliant episode.
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
118 Comments
And nobody pointed out that Sara had come up with the only decent idea for cards, i.e. Eid cards (they may exist, but it was still better than sermonising eco-rubbish). It angered me that Margeret didn’t point this out when Jenny and that trout Claire said she’d done nothing in the task.
I watched this one, so that makes me a liar.
To be honest mate, I didn’t think you’d abstain.
Must’ve missed Sara’s idea as she was muffled by that twat Jenny barking. What did she mean by Eid??
My missus came up with a brilliant idea for greetings cards which I fully intend to nick off her and go pitch.
Eid El-Fitr, the muslim 4/5-day festival at the end of Ramadan. Eid Mubarak!
*Does token Arabist thumbs up*
At the first meeting, she suggested religious celebration cards that weren’t Christmas cards. A sound idea that nobody listened to. In fact, it seems the audience doesn’t listen to this woman either. The one time she was put in charge, she won, yet is being bullied, called useless, and accused of doing nothing. Lee McQueen’s roaring at her last night was despicable – hats off to the mighty wordsmith Raef for jumping to her defence.
Aha. I’ve taken part in one of those festivals and didn’t even know its name.
I’m right on the apostrophe aren’t I?
Can someone confirm?
(I didn’t look it up and don’t want to look a tool)
I’ve been a fan of Sara from day one, so don’t include me with the bullies, NC. Or I’ll stamp on your balls.
Doesn’t need an apostrophe.
But it wouldn’t be wrong with one, either. Alright?
That would also work, but without is better.
Incidentally, Lynne Truss can tongue my meaty man-eggs.
Which is what I said.
You are right on the apostrophe question. It didn’t need one, but you can shove one in if you want to say it’s their day. You have an English degree, don’t you? Have confidence in your knowledge of the language.
And I wasn’t throwing you in with the bullies. I’m just saying it’s amazing how a lot of people forget Sara says this stuff. As Herr Collins has pointed out, she also came up with an idea for cards about pets. She is ignored, and that’s a shame.
About the apostrope. Not Lynne Truss.
http://www.science.uva.nl/~robbert/zappa/files/jpg/Apostrophe.jpg
You’ll be delighted to know my DS (’Brand new’) has arrived, sans box, sans charger. Time to open up a dispute and claw my money back, I reckon.
Where the hell’s that smiley face come from? I don’t use these things.
You sound like a teacher today, NC.
I notice you haven’t mentioned Sara before. Your love presumably blossomed last night…
Yes. I’m usually fond of bitches and ice maidens with appalling personalities/tempers. I’ve had that hideous best salesperson in Europe in my sights all series. I still would, mind.
Yeah sorry SH, hadn’t read past that before I rushed down the page to unload my grammar annoyances like when him off trainspotting needs a shit.
ITS OK I STIL LUV OO JQW
That’s wrong-love SH, and you know it. Speaking of languages, exams are going well. 3 hours of French grammar done, 2 hours of French literature up next, then 6 hours of Arabic grammar, then 2 hours of Arabic oral, listening and dictation.
Them Apprentice types thinks they’s got it tuff.
Arabic strikes me as a particularly fiddly language to get a handle on. I tried learning Norwegian once, and that was a bloody nightmare. At least it was written in letters I could recognise, mind … well, most letters.
What with my other half being a foreign, I’ve tried to master Vietnamese and can’t get past ‘cat’ and ‘dog’. I can’t even pronounce them properly.
Norweigan’s full of Os and As with lines through them though. Arabic has got bastardingly complicated grammar, half of which is bizarre and irregular. And the pronunciation involves using your throat with more dexterity than a Dutch hooker. And it’s in a different alphabet which has far more complex and rigid rules than the Roman one.
Other than that, it’s piss.
Where’s Grovesy, by the way? He’s usually here by now. I thought of him when you mentioned Dutch hookers.
Like I say – fiddly. The closest I came was a feeble attempt to learn Russian. I can get by, as long as you don’t mind wild grammatical errors left, right and centre.
Getting back to The Apprentice, I enjoyed Matt Lucas’s assertion that everyone loved working for him. I’d like to find out which bank he works for to check this claim out. My father thought everyone who worked for him loved him, then I talked to one of his employees, and they described him as a ‘nasty, bullying cunt with a chip on his shoulder’. I suspect Matt’s employees would say something along the same lines.
‘inna al-3arabiyyu lu3.h tayyib.
That Lee McQueen becomes more Lee McQueen every time…
Well that was my favourite episode ever!
My favourite line was Raef saying:
‘Basically, on Valentine’s Day, single people pretty much feel like shit.. yeah?’
Whatever criticism you can level at them for their choice of date for NSD, at least they had a good idea. That ‘Love Your Planet’ idea was utter rubbish. Cue my second favourite bit from Jenny during the pitch to Clintons:
‘These days, in light of current environmental issues, I find that I buy very few cards..’ What a moron! She was actually saying i’m a environmentalist and I don’t want to buy cards. Here, buy some of ‘green’ cards that preach ‘green’ issues, that are aimed at the people who are already converted to ‘green’ that will waste some more of Earth’s precious resources….
Jenny is pure evil. The way she tried to turn it round on Sara in the boardroom was plain ridiculous. I thought it was even more ridiculous of Kevin to try and cash in on Jenny’s bogus accusations. The only way he stood a chance at not getting the boot was by bringing that red-haired old hag back in with him. After all it was her shit idea that landed him there.
What happened back at the house following the firing had to be seen to be believed. Whatever the result and whoever goes, no matter how unfair the decision, nobody has ever voiced their concerns in this manner. The way LEE McQUEEN, Alex and Sophocles ganged on her was about as bad as the whole Jade Goody/Shilpa Shetty debacle.
Mmm, shit sorry, only just realised how long my rant was…
It is Thursday…sorry I’m late.
I’ve been constructing my voodoo dolls of LEE MCQUEEN (like that), the portly and overly-smug Claire, Jenny the Chin, googley-eyed Helene, Alex the Lynx model and the truly odious Michael.
I can’t believe Michael works in telesales (actually I can). His telephone manner is appalling, the kind of person you’d happily reach down the phone line to and grab around the throat until he went quiet. He is a petulant pillock and is closely followed by the rest of the bullies named above (not forgetting the best sulky salesperson in Europe).
Kevin riled me in a way usually reserved for Jamie Oliver so I was delighted he got fired. He has to be one of the most humourless people on TV – Graham Norton included.
It was all a tremendous laugh right up to the last few minutes and the vicious swipes at Sara – ugly TV by ugly people.
They’re off to Morocco next week – maybe they’ll try and sell Lucinda off for a couple of camels and a carpet?
Notice how, in the preview to next week’s show, Michael appeared to be haggling in a fake arab accent?
Excellent, the Omid Djalili approach to sales.
At least Djalilli is Arabic. Michael’s Greek, ain’t he?
No, Djalili is Persian actually.
He just puts on the ‘greasy Arab’ accent for films like The Mummy.
Hency my point. ‘Nuff said.
Sorry, Persian. Arabic’s a language isn’t it? Anyway, I’m sure Michael’ll offend every Persian, Arab and what-have-you watching next week. Should be fun.
On a lighter note, my DS dispute has already descended into furious abuse and accusations. Sellers don’t like it when you point out they’ve sold you a dud.
Persian’s a language too. Want a shovel for that hole you’re digging? He’s Iranian, I was just referring to his linguistic origins. Could be that Michael, with his Greek origins, has watched 300 and become a rampant racist.
What’s the lesson here? Something to do with buying stuff drunk, I believe.
How funny was Kevin’s nervous, west-country ranting in the dying moments of the boardroom? He was a like a small child. How is this man a bank manager? If I found out he looked after my money, I would be asking for it back immediately.
Thanks SH – I’d almost forgotten about Sophocles in the boardroom. He needs killing. His behaviour was dreadful. I was half expecting AS to make a surprise, ‘no-one’s-safe’ random firing.
LEE MCQUEEN should be concerned. Hopefully AS will be shown a clip of his outburst, and he will be in big t-rouble.
I wasn’t digging a hole for myself. I know Persian’s a language, and I know what Persia’s called these days, thanks. I was pointing out my own incorrectness over describing someone as ‘Arabic’, which I don’t think is right. As for 300, that’s the most Nazi film I’ve seen since Triumph of the Will.
And yes, you shouldn’t drink and buy. This is a lesson I should have learned by now, yet haven’t.
Can I just point out this Persian / Arabic discussion is fucking boring?
Thanks.
Scantily-clad homoerotic Scottish Nazis, no less. Could there be anything worse?
I ended up with a box of antique typewriter spools.
Clarry said: “Cue my second favourite bit from Jenny during the pitch to Clintons: ‘These days, in light of current environmental issues, I find that I buy very few cards..’ ”
I think the actual quote was: “I personally have slowed down enormously on the number of cards that I buy.”
I have verbatim shorthand + took down a few gems as I watched (not all 60 mins of the prog — I’m not that obsessive — I would only take down and transcribe 60 minutes of waffle if someone was paying me!).
P.S. Swineshead — I’m very fickle as having last week transferred my affections from Kevin Smith to Lee McQueen, the bullying antics of Lee seen at the end of last night’s programme have put me right off !!!
Currently none of the men are fanciable (with nice personalities), except Raef, but he is just TOO darned smooth to be real, so I kinda discount him anyway.
Jenny is an Alien. I am utterly convinced she eats sexual partners (to be honest, I’m not picking a sex, I’m not even picking a species) and sheds skin daily.
Kevin, God love him, at least took his beating in You’re Fired! quite well.
Raef is slowly becoming the only one with a bit of charm. LEE McQUEEN was doing okay, but like the boorish arse I suspect he is, the mask slipped quickly.
Jennnifer is still revolting.
As for sapphic sexual tension? I’d watch. i suspect Lucinda is a bit of a goer once she gets swinging.
Sorry, Swineshead. I’ll only talk about Chelsea’s triumphant march into the Champion’s League final from now on. Blue is the colour, etc.
Lee McQueen was a swine last night. He’s lost my vote.
I didn’t see it
That bloke looks like Matt Lucas, anyone noticed that or i….
*curls up to avoid being injured by flying bread rolls*
Sorry Sharon, I was just trying to convey the gist of what the woman was saying.
It’s alright NC. Let’s not talk football, it’s not a good time for it….
McQueen is a berk.
Sharon – you are a man-eater. In your mind.
Piqued – I hadn’t noticed that. And has anyone noticed Raef’s remarkable resemblance to a de-moustachioed Freddie Mercury?
Is Raef the one with the grey beard who points an the end of every show?
Raef is ace, and should be comended for defending Sara. I wished he’d hammed it up a bit more though and said something like ‘Unhand her you swine’.
*commended
I meant ‘at the end’ obviously
(Any poo anecdotes, I well up for some of that I can tell you)
(I well is… Anyone?)
I missed ‘You’re Fired’ last night, was it any good?
(Reading Montaigne essays. Read ‘Of Vanity’ it starts with him telling an anecdote about a man he knew who kept the last week’s shit in basins in his house and would prod them all day)
Is that the show with that presenter that hanged himself?
I thnk they cancelled it after he died, that was very sad
(apparently when you hang yourself you do a ruddy great poo automatically! Who’d have thought of such a thing………………………….
)
It’s all gone quiet…
I blame Piqued.
Which presenter that hanged himself?
Am I wearing my cloak of invisibility today?
Who done said that…
Piqued was being an idiot Clarry. I think he was referencing Mark Speight whilst trying to pretend he doesn’t care about the Apprentice.
What he doesn’t know is I haven’t read his idiblog today as a protest.
Oh, I see… I was confused. Thanks for clearing that up.
Ho ho, SH, that’ll show him.
Where is everyone?
Given the judicious characterisations, created rivalries and general falsities that the Apprentice utilises during the process of shooting and cutting the show, I’m amazed that those final 5 minutes were allowed in. That wasn’t just the competitors blowing off stream, or arguing amongst themselves – that was flat out bullying and character assassination.
I’m with Clarrys who said it was like the Shilpa Shetty / Jade Goody incident – it wasn’t entertainment, it was victimisation and since the whole subject will undoubtedly have been raised by the production staff looking to find a nice ending for their episode, I think the BBC needs to start apologising.
Let’s not be under any delusions about the Apprentice – it may be hilariously good fun watching these bumbling fuckwits trying to prove themselves as competent, but the whole programme is a false reality created by the production team – nothing is new or real, it’s all shot and edited to tell the story they want to tell. If the BBC seems to think a spot of the old personal abuse is what they need to end an episode, then it’s a shame they couldn’t come up with anything more creative.
I have, I bloody have!
I had TWO yesterday! I’ve already had one today already!!!
(have you had one yet? We’re talking about poo right?)
I just read it. Let myself down.
Everyone is probably eating a cheese sandwich as it’s luncheon.
grat blog and what an episode.
anyone seen this vid of kevin from last night? it is HILLARIOUS. gonna miss that guy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a49K_c5sWeQ
all apprentice fans should watch this
Medlo – all good points and all points I’ve made myself, week in week out.
As for the Shilpa thing – as you say, you’ve just repeated something Clarry said.
Also, you made out you didn’t watch this show a week ago, make your mind up.
‘Holier than thou’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Shilpa Shetty? How? Because she’s Asian?
There was no racial abuse, and Sara wasn’t isolated to the same extent.
It was distasteful but presumably Sara could’ve upped and left if she wanted to without any ceremony.
That’s a strange way to spell ‘great’ and ‘hilarious’ Gary.
I also don’t recall you supplying a stool sample before you posted, it’s mandatory I’m afraid.
(I’m serious by the way… Are you a vegan/veggie? Do you eat much pastry, this is just so I know what to expect. I look forward to hearing from you)
I’m going to have to watch this tonight. IS it as good as the bit where Kevin was saying (better ask Sharon for the exact transcript) he had his first house by 22, his second house by 23, his Porsche by 24 BUT by 40 he will be the biggest and best tycoon the world has ever known?
By the way, I wasn’t insinuating that it was like the Shilpa Shetty/Jade Goody debacle i.e. racialist – just as bad as it i.e. bullying and that I wouldn’t be surprised if the media waded in to put a whole new spin on it i.e. racialist.
I’m still a bit annoyed that Dave implied we’re under some gigantic Apprentice illusion and he’s the only one who goes in with his fucking eyes open.
If he read other peoples’ posts other than his own he might figure out that we get it.
I think this ‘contrived’ aspect was discussed last on WWM last time round?
You should never believe what you read, piqued.
It’s discussed every time. It’s the whole point of the Apprentice posts.
What is?
*yawn*
It has rather dried up.
Swineshead said: “Sharon – you are a man-eater. In your mind.”
You could be right, Swineshead. But it would help if I could get the NAME right of the relevant paramour.
Sharon said: “I’m very fickle as having last week transferred my affections from Kevin Smith to Lee McQueen, the bullying antics of Lee seen at the end of last night’s programme have put me right off !”
It wasn’t Kevin Smith it was SIMON Smith ….. I mixed this up on Collins’ blog as well.
NOT doing well today.
Loving the capitals though, ain’t you?
But Sharon, as Medlo points out, we’ve all (apart from him) been taken for fools by the editors. It’s not real apparently.
This just in:
Santa suspected of being a parental mistruth.
WHAT?
SANTA?
Swines: “…we’ve all (apart from him) been taken for fools by the editors. It’s not real apparently.”
Yeah and I guess Frances still isn’t really a PA and all…(snorts with derision like Sophocles to SirA).
Sophocles made an arse out of himself in the boardroom. His card has been marked.
Firstly, I never said that I didn’t watch the Apprentice – I just said after having my head bitten off last week for reviewing something American that this blog was in danger of becoming an Apprentice love in, much like it does when Big Brother is on.
I also never said, as neither did Clarrys, that the Shilpa/Jade comparison was racialist, as it clearly wasn’t. I thought it a good comparison as it was all about a pack of angry nasty people turning on some on who was isolated and not as able to defend herself. That’s all. Confrontation TV is all well and good, but that was vindictive bullying and it was deliberately orchestrated by the production team. At least the Big Brother problem was about individual bigotry, this was a concious attempt to harass someone because they needed an ending.
Thirdly – I am perfectly well aware that the world knows it’s made up, I don’t see myself as a last bastion of truth as you seem to think I do. The point I was making was that since it’s all fictional anyway, it shows poor judgement and bad taste on behalf on the production team to think that they can cultivate that kind of bullying just for entertainment.
They can make people look foolish, they can orchestrate rivalry and they can edit to make what they want – but that ending had quite clearly had been preceded by a production assistant whispering in Jenny’s ear “we’re going to focus on Sara not doing much this episode, so could you start a debate about her uselessness when she comes in and we can get some tension to end the episode on, plus some great shots of her crestfallen and abused face. Thanks, thanks alot… you’re doing great by the way.”
I don’t know if you’ve ever been bullied, or know anyone who has – but that kind of direct abuse can be a terrible thing to people, especially when it’s by a group of aggressive individuals, especially when it’s on television and especially when it’s created solely for entertainment.
Obviously this is a reality show and you need conflict to make it work, engineered or not – but there’s a big difference between bitchy vox pops shot after the event and open abuse.
I expect I’ll get called ‘pious and patronising’ now. Oh well.
I love conjecture:
‘that ending had quite clearly had been preceded by a production assistant whispering in Jenny’s ear “we’re going to focus on Sara not doing much this episode, so could you start a debate about her uselessness when she comes in and we can get some tension to end the episode on, plus some great shots of her crestfallen and abused face. Thanks, thanks alot… you’re doing great by the way.”‘
How the blazes do you know what the production team said or did?
I’m sure Sara’s doing alright. Have a cup of tea and a sit down, it’s only an illusion after all.
Oh, and by the way -
“If he read other peoples’ posts other than his own he might figure out that we get it.”
Just because I don’t chip in with comments all the time doesn’t mean I’m not here. Since when I do speak my brains I either get shouted at or have to defend my language it’s amazing I leave comments at all…
I’m a busy guy, I do alot and I don’t always have time to read every post and every comment – or indeed watch every TV show discussed. If you rather I not write anything at all then let me know and I’ll retreat with my patronising assumptions, Americanised slang (sorry, Americanized) and commercial obsessions.
Good lord…
“How the blazes do you know what the production team said or did?”
Well, I don’t. But I do have some experience in television production and as an editor who tends to see how TV shows are made by what’s not there as opposed to what is, I think I could take a wild guess. Maybe it didn’t happen that way, maybe I’m leaping to enormous assumptions and it was a giant collective mental connection that made most of them turn into nasty little bastards and I’m completely wrong.
All I’m saying is, that looked about as staged as anything in the Apprentice and I thought it was bad taste it needed to resort to open abuse and bullying so that they could have that clever little fade out of the bickering at the end.
I saw a really big cat the other day. It’s hair was all on end, and it was on garden wall glaring at me. It really was huge, I was quite taken aback.
I can’t stop talking about it, to be honest.
Yeah, maybe I got a little melodramatic there. Sorry. Had a barny with girlfriend this morning and I’m feeling a little sensitive.
You seem very angry about it. Inordinately, in fact.
I only really had a problem with the way you framed it as though we weren’t aware it’s just an illusion – despite the fact I talk about that every week!
Coming from someone who pretty much mocked others for watching The Apprentice despite watching it on the sly (along with Pushing Up fucking Daisies – ‘busy guy’ indeed), it all seems a bit rich, mucker.
It’s alright Medlo. Sorry if I offended.
Now do us a fucking article.
Wally – tell us about this cat. It sounds ace!
It was Dirty Sexy Money that I reviewed, not Pushing Up Daisies -although I did half watch that on repeat on Saturday whilst working. It was rubbish.
I wanted to watch Britain’s Youngest Grannies the other day but my brain wouldn’t let it.
The cat was starled by some youths nearby and their hullabaloo, or argy-bargy I don’t know which, and went round the back where I couldn’t see it anymore. On balance, I’d say it was the worst day of my entire life.
‘argy-bargy’ – is that technically racist?
*Puts Wally third on WWM’s most racist list*
That programme is kack.
Apprentice Smchentist.
Yeah, I hate all sundries and starters. They give it all that and they’re not even main courses. You don’t get that kind of backchat from a bhuna. Or a frog.
These contestants are arseholes – pure unbridled fucktards who are idiotic, greedy, patronising, self aggrandising, stupid, ill-educated and moronic who wouldn’t last a year in the real business world they seem to so desperately be part of…
I share no values with them, and watching the Apprentice each week reaffirms for me the knowledge that, at least morally, I’m doing far better than they ever will. If I’m angry, inordinately or not, it’s because that despite all of this – despite the inability to use proper grammar, or despite the fact that they think shouting and bullying people is the way to success – they will still end up successful and wealthy.
These are the sort of people who get 5million bonuses, who spend 35grand (sorry, I have no pound symbol on my keyboard) on cocktails and who will wilfully fuck over anybody to get rich – they are the anthesis of what I regard humanity to be about, and while I love watching them make enormous fools of themselves on television, I know that their behaviour is being celebrated.
What can I say, I’m a bitter old socialist with no-real world experience.
Surely it’s ‘Apprentice Schmentist’ George
I once had an argument with a naan. Or was it my nan?
Either way, she’s a racist.
Sounds like you might benefit from watching QI instead, Dave.
Piqued: It probably is.
I think Dave may have discovered the joys of crack cocaine.
You’re frothing at the mouth Dave…
Personally I’m sure they’re all lovely people.
Or maybe a bit of Star trek next generation. You’ll rekindle your love for mankind after a few tender Piccard / Data scenes.
I think that last comment of mine made me sound less like a bitter socialist and more like a failed socialist who wants their success and money… or at least a severely pious socialist who secretly wants riches but won’t humiliate himself on TV for it.
My favourite moment of any episode so far, though, was when a lady contestant got fired and was in the taxi of shame said “well if that’s what it takes to be in business, maybe I don’t want to be here after all.”
I was on Embrassing Illnesses last year, it was all about my massive hairy titz
Eeek – you’re just a little too late to save my soul, George. Thanks though. It officially died when I caught a smidgen of Loose Women today and they were in the middle of talking about the election…
“I voted” said Linda Bellingham “did it this morning at 7 when it opened. And you can vote until 10 o’clock.”
“What in the morning?” asked frozen food deputy Coleen Nolan, rolling her eyes at the very idea of voting.
“Do we have to do it today?” asked serial Geordie shagger Denise Welch, clearly bored by the subject.
With the ghost of Emily Pankhurst rolling in her grave the panellists then went on to discuss whether Jordan was a feminist role model, and I quietly died inside.
Should have watched Star Trek: TNG after after all…
God, Loose women is always on the television at work when I go for lunch. And lately, by co-incidence, I’ve started having homosexual thoughts.
Loose Women should be bombed. The telly ones I mean.
Dave, can I just remind you of this:
‘I’m a busy guy’
“Loose Women should be bombed. The telly ones I mean.”
Just the telly ones. The real ones provide a great public service.
And, for your information, I’ve been away on location for most of the past week and am having an easy day doing emails, invoices and scrabulous moves to recover – that’s why I’m here today!
Never mind me and my pendulous hirsute mammary titz
It’s really embarssing they keep fallk0-dgu9shing onto aefl;k my keeyboradkaw
Ok Medlo, I belieeeeeeve you.
I read about a fifth of the comments — something longer to follow but for the moment: I’m half-Persian. Hence my adoration of Raef who is of Iranian descent.
More coming..
Adoration? Real, genuine adoration?
That is scary, Gita.
What a smashing episode. So many wonderful moments and I love how the reward for the winning team was to have the girl from that popband from years ago play ‘theme tunes from adverts’.
Did the companies really place orders? Can we go and buy the cards?
Swineashead — I’m just commenting here (and on Collins’ blog) to your comment to me on the end of Collins’ Apprentice review from a few days ago:
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -
Hi Swineshead,
I don’t actually remember reading your guidelines about apostrophes although I did read your review of The Apprentice.
Bear in mind at the moment that I have very limited, intermittent internet access (internet cafes only on ad hoc days).
In about 7 days’ time I will be set up with broadband access at home (fingers + toes crossed!) and then I will be able to keep up with all the blogs + comments more quickly.
Best wishes for a good weekend Swineshead.
All the best,
Sharon
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