‘Bloodbath in the boardroom’ said the voiceover man before The Apprentice music piped up for the penultimate time this series.
As we already knew, this week would be the interview round. But this time five whole Apprentices would be grilled - I’m sure last year it was less. Add to this the fact that each candidate would be interviewed by four bastards each, the sheer amount of interview time meant this was a quickly-edited, non-stop whiplash of a show. Somehow though, the editors saw fit to fill half of it with shots of people walking from their interview to the comfy seats outside, which wasn’t very exciting.
The four interviewers comprised three regulars. The first was fat, beardy Paul - an unreconstructed sexist twat. Second was Gordon - whose name I couldn’t remember as I took notes, so I referred to him as ‘Stig’. Stig talks like John Major, looks like a well groomed ghost and works for Alan Sugar. He’s better suited to working in a morgue. Third of the old hands was Claude. A balding, boggly eyed managerial type who spoke softly before building on his reserves of anger until he’s actively reprimanding whoever’s put in front of him. All three of them, odious people - and Alan’s best mates. The company that man keeps, eh?
Added to the line-up was Karen Brady - that strangely attractive woman who was MD of Birmingham City. She might still be for all I know. She was a little wishy washy in her approach and visiting her probably came as a massive relief to each of the contestants - in that the most difficult question she asked them was what their name was.
Getting ready for the off, Claire was excited about the interview process as she styled her hair into a bizarre, Fonzy style quiff. Perhaps she already knew she’d be meeting Paul, who, in post-interview reverie, she described in glowing terms. ‘There’s something about ‘im - he’s hot!’ she squealed, whilst moistening her seat. ‘The fact he’s on 20 million a year?’ Lee asked, in an uncharacteristically astute observation. ‘I wanna suck his lips off’, replied Claire, making a nation’s genitals wilt.
In her interview with Paul she flirted outrageously, proud of her Club 18-30 past and boasting of her ‘eight million incremental profit margin’, whatever that means. Paul told her she was cheap - either as a reference to her comparatively low bonuses or her Repping past. It was hard to tell.
Claire sailed through, in truth - the only other notable incident being when Stig was physically unable to clamp her mouth shut as words flowed randomly and idiotically out of that gaping hole as she sat there like a big, fat babbling lemon.
Helene didn’t do too badly either. It seemed we saw very little of her. In an interview with fat Paul, she swore like a trooper whilst bigging herself up. Every swearword was greeted with a calm smile from Paul, like a proud father. He’s big on swearing it seems.
When Brady interviewed her, Helene seemed to sense that her audience wasn’t primed for that kind of language and so built a subtle rapport. The effect was ruined a bit when, at the end, she referred to her fellow contestants as ‘Fifteen gobshites’… but honesty is probably the best policy. Had to laugh at the ‘objective’ section of her CV though - apparently her objective is to ‘dive into the ocean of opportunity’. Made me picture Alan Sugar in a wet suit, using those big flapping hands as flippers. Helene as a mermaid. A lovely aquatic scene.
From the kick-off, Lee misjudged the atmosphere with fat Paul - and fell straight into what shall now and forever more be known as ‘the reverse pterodactyl trap’. When asked to show this move, Lee obliged whilst chuckling gamely - ‘oh mate! Unbelievable! - AWK AWK AWK!’.
The response wasn’t great. ‘This is a serious interview’, said Paul. ‘Why did you just do that?’ Lee’s pants filled with wee.
Later, when being interviewed by Claude he was asked if he was schooled in England. Yes - he was, he replied. The CV was filled with spelling mistakes - so not only is Lee a bit uneducated (no fault of his own), he also can’t use a spell-checker (fault of his own). Spelling ‘tomorrow’ as ‘tommorrow’ is pretty elementary stuff. Made me wonder if he ever commented on our 2 Pints of Lager post all those months ago.
Lee’s major foot-shooting was in lying on his CV. He said he’d completed a two year University course when in fact he’d completed four months then dropped out. This was the massive clanger of the episode. Sympathy for the dirty Spurs-supporting stormtrooper suddenly racked up as everyone in the country felt a bit guilty about having lied on their own CVS in the past (we’ve all done it). He wriggled out of it, both in interview and the boardroom, despite the fact he’d never get hired if sussed out in the same situation out there in the real world. As a recruitment consultant, you’d have thought he’d have known that. If you’re not hired Lee, don’t worry. There’s always tommorrow.
So we turn to Lucinda, who got the harshest grilling of the lot, and completely undeserved if you ask me. She’s a contracter, not an employee in real life. There’s not much more that’s entrepreneurial than that, surely? Pitching her business then getting deals with people? Somehow this was seen as a weakness. She’d never make a good team member, they said. She dresses like a dick, they said. She’s into Chinese medicine and feng shui, snorted Paul, the blinking fat cock. And so, just because she didn’t have the right ‘cultural fit’, the poor girl got booted. She was too good for it, is the stark truth.
For comic relief, let’s look at Alex. Long derided by the bulk of the viewing public, I think Alex has been great entertainment. A relentless and remorseless snake in the grass, this was the point when we saw that his enigma was built on vapour. There’s really not much to the poor boy. Despite looking like a Shakespearean actor, there’s nothing underneath but bluster. All he found himself doing in interview was screaming his age. I’M 24! I’M 24. YEEEEARS. OLD. An interesting, if slightly irritating tactic that didn’t really get him very far.
Alex is the most passive-aggressive, defensive individual you’ll ever see on your TV. One moment, he’s offering a faintly dismissive critique of a team member, the next he’s taking massive offence at being told he’s ‘a bit quiet today’ and being asked if he had ‘a heavy night’. Aside from reiterating his age until it was stamped onto the collective consciousness, he also let us know that he’s agile and dynamic. Which is useful down the gym, no doubt.
So Lucinda was handed her raspberry beret (the kind you find at a second hand store) and promptly shown the door. The big twist (ooooh!) was that all four will be in the final, two joint Project Managers leading past Apprentices. Lee’s got Claire to work alongside (poor bastard) while Helene’s got Alex (poor bastards).
And in other news, Nicholas De Lacy Brown has been crushed by a wall.
90 Comments
Great review!
Mikey’s had enough of the Apprentice. Whilst Lucinda would probably not fit in AS’s business empire, she was by far the most articulate of all the candidates. The criticism that she did not display team qualities when not project manager is laughable. Who the hell would when faced with such ridiculous leadership?
Agreed , Alex is a snake and a sneak.
LEE, no organisation worth it’s salt would take the matter further with a CV that contained so many spelling mistakes. Attention to detail!!!!
Helene- The reference to her fellow contestants as gobshites, (Great ad for her attitude to teamwork!) in an interview and the continual swearing is not what you do in an interview!
Claire, well she’ll probably win, though I see no redeeming features about her whatsoever.
In conclusion, not one of the final 4 has done anything of any substance whatsoever over the 11 weeks, except manage to keep their head down and when in the firing line weaselled their way out.
Wow, De Lacy Brown got wall’d. This just proves that lorry drivers are the harshest art critics.
I think the public and Sugar would have benefited more from a Sara, Simon, Raef and Lucinda final. All four didn’t deserve to go.
As for Shazia - we’ll never know. She could be the next Richard Branstons.
So we still down for an Alex win then?
I’m hoping for it, but doubtful. And I’m only hoping for it as I’ve got a bet on it.
Confucius say: Ah, he who has much to gain place faith in strandy-haired snake. And so goes the lily to the stream.
*sniff* bit quiet in ‘ere.
That’s the third time this week you’ve commented on how quiet it is… this is because you need to do something with your life.
Cut to Alex on the Friday Night Project, dressed up as a little old lady - shopping trolley, hat with flowers on it, standing at a bus stop shaking a walking stick at passers-by and bellowing “I’M 24, YOU KNOW - IT’S NOT MY FAULT”
Unless he wins, which I think he will.
Christ, Who - that’s frighteningly realistic, that predicition.
Good to hear DeLaceblatter Knickers has been crushed by a wall. Serves him right for changing his name from Colin Potato to Alexander Laithwaites DeLaceblatter Knickers. These posh buggers need crushing under walls more, in my ‘umble opinion/onion.
*crosses fingers that Piqued walks past unstable wall today*
Anyway. This was the most boring episode of The Apprentice ever made. I realise that last year’s interview episode was only exciting because it was a Trey witchhunt. THE MCQUEEN’s lies just didn’t cut the same mustard.
As it lurches towards the finishing post, I’ve a feeling the outcome will be the same as the last three series - the obvious winner (Claire) will be inexplicably sidelined for the lesser candidate (rag ‘n’ bone man Lee). To carry on the horse-racing analogy, it would be a more satisfying outcome for all concerned if Claire was humanely euthanised at the end of the race. Her fat could then be used to make candles for Alan Sugar’s awful wife.
The rest of her carcass could go towards dog food.
I’m not the one who’s been counting the amount of time someone’s said how quiet it is. I’m off to London to get a house later anyway.
the number of times*
Grammatical catastrophe.
Grammaticastrophe
It was an estimate, you tedious plop
How many apprentices does Alan Sugar need?
Surely if each time they are now going into a different role in his company, the show should change name?
I’d much rather watch The Warehouse Junior Packing Assistant.
It’d be better if they were allowed to sleep their way to the top. ON CAMERA.
Oh yes, Wagonwheel. I for one would be delighted to see Claire going down on Sugar - those cellulite-filled udders flapping around her elephantine ankles as she …
*pop!*
Also I can’t agree with anyone who backed Lucinda on the basis of the following sentence;
“I done a sale.”
Christ - if it was a casting couch set up you’d have to watch Sugar bang EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. And that’d start you off on questioning humanity, your existence…
Make for interesting reviews though.
Not that these aren’t.
*tenderly inserts foot into mouth*
A fours-up with Margaret, Helene, Claire and Jenny would go down as the least pleasant piece of pornography since the 300lb Gangbang (available in all good sex shops). I’d watch it.
You’d need a sturdy studio for that.
The FirstGroup website isn’t working. It’s making me angry.
FirstGroup? Is that a Swedish special interest site?
It’s a tramp delivery service.
Twit.
Well I’m a tramp and I need delivering.
Bah! I’m not interested in that. Getting back to The Apprentice, did you notice the hypocrisy shown by Sugar when he dismissed Helene’s upbringing story? Who in this country DOESN’T know Sugar pulled himself up by his bootstraps and started his business selling electronics out of the back of a van? It’s alright for him to tell that ponderous story to anyone who’ll listen, but out of bounds for anyone else to have an ‘I come from nothing’ tale, apparently. The cunt.
I’ve *never* lied on my CV.
He’s full of shit, is Alan. And he’s not ashamed about that.
Let’s face it, Nicholas De Lacy Brown should really have won the show.
Badger - actually, I don’t think I have.
But we’ve all amplified the significance of the off task, ain’t we?
‘odd’ task, that should’ve been.
I’ve lied my arse off on CVs. Mind you, nobody I’ve ever worked for gave a tuppeny fuck what I got up to when I was eighteen or twenty one or whatever. I still lied, mind.
Business Idiot to Lucinda: ‘Do you ever listen?’
Lucinda: ‘……..’
Lucinda: ‘I’m listening.’
BI: ‘Not NOW. Generally.’
Favourite moment of the series.
I don’t think I’ve even exaggerated… *halo*
I got a job as the vendor who passes sweets through the window of a Total garage in the wee hours of the morning for a fiver an hour. The only reason I snagged the job was the hobbies and interests section - it helped to know the boss was also an Arsenal fan.
Interesting job, that was. Fuck all to do and all the pornography you could ever hope to read/look at.
I listed ’shoplifting’ as one of my hobbies and interests when going for that arcade job I mentioned the other day. Got the job. Mind you, a monkey covered in shit could have got that job - I think I was the only applicant.
I farted in an interview with a well known advertising agency, whilst we’re on workaday anecdotes.
Interviewer - So, tell me how you think your studies in Sheffield have assisted you in your working life.
Me - Well…
*farts*
*apologises*
I think my major mistake was apologising.
You should’ve made them think that you’re a no-nonsense ball-busting business type who farts when they want and it’s THEIR problem not yours if they’re offended by it. You don’t have time to go out of the room to do such things.
Maybe that would have worked if it was a full on, go ahead rasp of a fart. In fact, it was a puny tommy squeak.
I’d hire a man who farts in an interview. As Jamie says, it shows your time’s too important to go wasting it out of politeness. Mind you, you wouldn’t have been hired if one of the other interviewees was a leggy blonde with nice tits - she’d get the job regardless of how dumb she was.
What if the leggy blonde farted?
She’d still get the job/pass the driving test/get a discount etc.
Even if the smell lingered, making you highly suspect that she had followed through?
Has a woman ever farted and admitted it in public?
Luckily the stereotype to which you refer is also stereotypically too stupid to understand or use the power.
Even then.
A woman a friend of mine dragged back to my house sat in my living drinking Lynx Altra and farted like a dog all evening. That was a fun night.
Living room, obviously.
At 12.01, NC was momentarily drunk as he remembered the moment.
My mum announces it before and after, more so in public.
She’s not retarded, either.
That picture at the top - does it look a little bit like they’re all going a bit sapphic to you?
Helene looks like she’s going to be an unwilling participant in the forthcoming activities. Jenny looks like the instigator.
*shudders*
Lindi’s definitely been briefed on the forthcoming corporate lez up.
She certainly does. Note the Irish one’s not there? She prefers meat - man meat. A lady’s daily sausage ration. The Hammer of the Slots. She’s probably out the back servicing MCQUEEN and the cadaverous Alex (son of Carradine).
I don’t want to think about what Lucinda’s up to.
I am now. Bwuuuph …
Lucinda’s shoving Nick DeShoelace Braun’s ticklestick into her mudflap with the pie-eyed determination of a Geordie pursuing a pie. That’s what she’s up to.
And Kevin’s just having a wank.
Lucinda Tumpkins and Faymount DeFatbatterer-Smythington Moutard L’Grandey-Hey-Ho (formally Bert Toilet)?
Doesn’t bear thinking about, that.
I know it’s not worth thinking about, but I’m thinking about it.
Just read that Lucinda’s actual surname is Burger, but she changed it.
Burger? That’s not a name, that’s a … well … it’s a burger.
WHERE HELL FUCK EVERYONE THIS DAY?
People have given up on the Apprentice - so they’re probably all back on the Futurama message board again, the bastards.
Oh, right. I’ve spent all day drawing a vomiting Keith Moon.
Keith Moons is dead. I find your antics to be in very bad taste.
And you look like a moron.
I look like a moron? Thanks. Mind you, at least I’m not a big nosed, curly-haired midget slaving away in an office for pennies. Small mercies, and all that …
Guilty as charged. But I do ok on the earnings front.
You have got a big nose though. And you still look like a moron.
Was it me or was Monday’s Eastenders all weird?
FIGHT.
Eastenders? Blurgh. Isn’t just a lot of blokes and women who look like blokes giving each other ‘evil’ across the Vic then a bloke plays some toms for ages.
FIGHT.
Eastenders? Blurgh. Isn’t just a lot of blokes and women who look like blokes giving each other ‘evils’ across the Vic then a bloke plays some toms for ages.
Monday’s Eastenders WAS all weird, you’re right. For a start, it looked to have added computer game motion blur. They’ve buggered about wi’it.
And yes, I have a big nose. I’m not the only one that looks moronic, though. You look equally moronic; ’specially when stood next to a big egg.
There’s nowt wrong with my hispanic egg.
Eastenders - I reckon they put it into HD as a test. And the camera angles were cinematic whilst the plot was consistent with other episodes (ie a bit shit).
I wish Bianca would fuck off.
And I wish Squiggle would put out for Darren.
Jamie - you have distilled the essence of Easties.
Actually I’ve made it sound pretty good. I might watch to see if it’s as good as I have decided how it is. Good.
Awesome grammar, ho!
I don’t know what they’ve done to it, but I wish it would stop. I want it all to stop.
Has anyone ever had a song stuck in their head that they ACTUALLY like? I got Circle of Life atm, could be worse.
It’s like there’s a really crap dj in my head with a very limited record collection.
I had Down On The Corner in there the other day. Quite like that one.
My head records are always shit. At the moment it’s that rubbish by Timbaland that goes ‘It’s TOO LATE t’apologise’
Poor you. Had a big argument with about 3 friends in a car the other day over that song. I said it was shit so they turned it right up, and sang along.
Need new friends.
I’m currently taking Duffy’s ‘Warwick Avenue’ for a spin, thanks to that Scotch git Ken Bruce palying it on the radio this morning.
I reckon I’m done going dyslexic today.
Duffy sang on some TV show recently and her voice was utter rubbish. I CAN SING BETTER THAN HER! I bellowed, before drunkenly proving myself wrong and waking the missus.
I don’t think she’s anything special, I reckon she’ll be the last new face to come out of this Motown revival thing going on.
Amy Winehouse, Adele, Duffy.
Is it not a bit bizarre that none of them have actually been black?
In a way. Major female solo artists at the moment:
MIA (does mad electro rap and doesn’t sell too well)
Santogold (see above - sells a bit better I think)
Estelle (does American polished R&B and sells well)
Then you’ve got
Duffy, Adele, Winehoose - all white and all sell brilliantly despite making music which is a pale imitation of stuff from the olden days.
Bizarre, as you say.
This Duffy woman’s NOT black? Shows how much I know. I’ve only heard her on the radio, and just assumed.
Hang on … that’s not racist, is it?
She is very not black, and very welsh.
She’s a little welsh washer-woman with blonde fetlocks. And that’s racist.
Yours is racist, or mine’s racist? I can’t tell what’s racist these days.
Dave’s racist.
That goes without saying.
The reviews of this show on here have become an eseential part of the thing IMHO.
I would have loved Lucinda to slap that bloke before she left.
Why is their colour even an issue? Rock music is racist. Soul isn’t.
Bullshit, Dave. Racism has nowt to do with it.
It’s more that these white female artistes with half-decent lungs are prodded into making retro, cod-soul because they’ve no fucking ideas and are industry puppets.
Santogold and M.I.A don’t do soul because they’re capable of doing something new.
I’m not racist - I’m gonna have to make a badge for my blog, or perhaps get a black friend to confirm the fact.
Who was in the McDonald’s toilet cubicle next to me earlier? ONLY LEE MCFUCKINGQUEEN!
Post on my blog to follow.
Done now.
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