Room 101 has always been a mixed bag. Some contestants really understand the ludicrous premise and put abstract, absurd selections up for discussion – a couple of examples being when Spike Milligan chose Portsmouth and Chiswick Post Office was selected by Sheila Hancock.
Others opt for uninspired choices – Ricky Gervais, supposed comedy behemoth, opted for ‘annoying noises’ which doesn’t show a huge amount of inspiration. Similarly, witless blockhead Gordon Ramsay chose traffic wardens, summoning all the creativity of a white van man in a coma.
Let’s imagine, like that bloke in the Commitments who pretended he was on Wogan while laying in the bath, we’re all celebrities and have been invited to sit with Paul Merton (or Nick Hancock) to discuss our pet hates.
So – what goes into Room 101?
255 Comments
Steve Martin.
Oh, and didn’t Anne Robinson get attacked by Cymru after she faield to banish the dragon state?
She did… it was a bit of a stupid choice really, considering they’re quite a sensitive little nation.
What’s wrong with Steve Martin?? A man who doesn’t recognise Martin’s contribution to comedy is a man without balls.
Those little spots you get just on the inside of your nose that hurt to buggery…
Paper cuts…
Sweaty men…
Wind pain…
Indecisive weather reports: today it’s going to be cloudy with sunny spells and a chance of rain apparently. WHAT THE FECK AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR?!
People who talk with clicky mouths…
Wind pain. I feel that one, sister. I get huge volumes of wind so hefty, bubbling about my body they seem to fold my spine in half.
I don’t know what a clicky mouth is.
I do think that Steve Martin used to be a heavyweight improvisor and performance comedian, judging from YouTube. It may be more correct to say his film career apart from Little Shop of Horrors. He’s a a bit like Robin Williams in that regard (a man that’d probably upset France if ever he went on 101).
it’s when their mouth is so dry it clicks. See weather girl Sian Lloyd for a perfect example.
You’ve obviously not seen The Jerk, The Man With Two Brains, All of Me etc…
Or, in Williams case, The Fisher King.
As for clicky mouths, I’m still none the wiser
…and that’s why in my sister’s house, she’s known as ‘Sian Clickyteeth’. She ALWAYS bloody does it.
Pedants are the sort of people I’d put into Room 101.
By the way, it’s ‘Nick’ Hancock, not Graham.
Ooops … hold on …. AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghh!!!
People who cannot spell simple words correctly. It really is my pet hate. Much like the person who put the sign above our bridge at work, “Closed till further notice”. AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGH!
I bought The Man With Two Brains from Tesco for 3 pounds and it was borish, The Jerks a valid point but, no, I haven’t seen the other two.
I would like to draw your attention, however, to Bowfinger, The Pink Panther (Sellers being a hero of mine), Cheaper By The Dozen (horrible remake, Sgt Bilko (an insult) and The Lonely Guy (what I watched in error again last week).
Yeah, Dave, you haven’t got a leg to stand on with that Steve Martin thing. Sure his output has worsened over the years, but as Swineshead points out to not recognise his contribution and early outright genius is to say you have no funny bone.
The Lonely Guy was on the other day, that’s an underated classic – as are Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and I’ve always had a thing for Three Amigos too.
For Room 101 I’d add ‘anyone who I don’t already like’ and ‘everything that I don’t already like.’ Is that allowed?
Roxanne, Parenthood, The Man With Two Brains.
Nuff said.
Agree with pedants – they’re deffo in my 101, the twats.
Where the bloody hell did I get ‘Graham’ from?!
We’re all pedants, to an extent, you can’t have that.
Dave – not only have you misspelt ‘boorish’, you’ve also misused it. Is that pedantic?
Quincy’s right about Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and, like Badger, I can handle Parenthood. Roxanne’s alright by me, too.
I’d probably put Dave in Room 101.
It’s no fun being a fucking retard.l
You can’t say ‘retard’.
*Consults new list*
The ‘Pedants’ comment was meant ironically. In that I then pointed out your mistake with the name.
If I have to explain ALL my lame feeble jokes, we may be here some time.
Only an idiot would not agree that Steve Martin’s early films were very funny, right up to Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. (Seems he’s suffering from Woody Allen syndrome)
is he shagging very young girls too?
Oh. Sorry about that.
Ruprecht (or however you spell it) in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is a genius comic construction. Dave’d rather get his jollies ‘aving a wank over that fiery haired plain-Jane from X Files, the weirdo.
> People who play music on their phones on the bus.
> The word ‘flow’. It’s just a completely disgusting word.
> Blu-tack. I’ve got a bit of a fear of it.
> Brendan Fraser
> People who don’t know the difference between ‘their’, ‘there’ and ‘they’re’
> People who spell ‘definitely’ with an ‘a’. ‘Definately’. Which seems to be everyone I know.
> Long fingernails on men
> Old people that think the world owes them something. IT’S NOT MY FAULT THERE WAS A WAR GRANDMA!!
And above all else: People who walk slowly in front of me and in such a way that I can’t get past them. It makes me hyperventilate with rage. I want to club their heads in with my bag.
Yes,
Ruprecht: Can I go to the bathroom?
Michael Caine: You may.
(Ruprecht crosses his eyes)
It takes a beat before you get the joke, which makes it all the more effective.
A man who can put comedy timing into his EYEBALLS surely deserves respect.
It seems there is a universal trajectory for great comedians.
Great standup ….great early movies …embarassing lovelife …sentimental later movies …terrible remakes….what comes next??
I think Woody Allen hasn’t got to the terrible remakes stage yet. But give him time.
Speaking of which, I would put Robin Williams into Room 101. But I’d rather just walk up behind him and blow his schmaltz-riddled brains out. Is this an option?
What would I put in Room 101? Right …
Advertisements for ‘feminine itching’ products.
Bifidus Digestivum.
Wimmin’s magazines.
Most 18-25 year olds.
Rob Schneider.
Musicals.
Laser eye surgery ads.
Lincolnshire.
Hawkwind.
Dr. Who.
The A-Team.
Cookery shows.
Flies.
Wasps.
Ball sweat.
Poker.
Fosters and Carling.
The smoking ban.
Council tax.
Tax generally.
Anti-aging creams.
Elton John.
Art ‘installations’.
Paying to watch sport.
Drinking cider if you’re not a tramp.
That cunt in Newcastle who sends me e-mails.
The members of the Paul Rodgers forum who don’t like me.
And that’s just a small sample.
I’m still confused about this clicky mouth thing. So far Woo and Badger have asserted that Sian Lloyd has a clicky mouth. I need PROOF.
Paul – for some reason I don’t mind Robin Williams (though I wouldn’t watch the majority of his films).
I think I just dig hairy little ex-coke snorting hobbits.
Don’ normally comment on these things but Steve Martin is in Planes, Trains and Automobiles which is excellent and goes along way to making up for alot of the crap he has done since.
Can I put it to you, Napoleon, that if we didn’t have ball-sweat we’d suffer much more chaffing?
DO YOU WANT SORE BALLS?
I agree on Dr. Who
Jonny – you’re spot on – another great Steve Martin film. I think we’ve got close to ten good Steve Martin pictures now.
It’s not one of his funnies, but he’s very good in a weird little film called ‘The Spanish Prisoner’. Dave’s argument’s being blown apart ‘ere.
That said, I wonder what the hell both he and John Cleese are doing starring in next year’s Pink Panther II. I fear for my sense of humour when I get old.
Oh dear God… can I retract the Steve Martin thing and replace it with the safer Sam Sparro?
I’ve just googled Sparro and the instant answer is YES, FORFUCKSSAKE YES! Jesus, even looking at him makes me want to kill.
Smug, cocky over-privileged young comedians ( in other words, most of them)
The Fringe ( I live in Edinburgh and for three weeks it’s full of loud strutting cocks. See above)
Big-titted teenage girls in leotards doing another production of ‘ Oh what a lovely war’ ( hold on .. maybe that ones not so bad after all)
Andi Peters on Celebrity Masterchef ( though he wasnt quite so irritating last night)
James Caan on Dragon’s Den ( I wish him the same fate his namesake gets in The Godfather ( can we arrange for him to pass through some checkpoints??)
The american version of the Office ( I love Steve whatshisname in everything he does, except this. also think the rest of the cast are wooden. But I only watched first two episodes of series 1, so maybe I’m being harsh)
Just a few starters.
I’ll wager this Sparro chap’s not a patch on Rob Schneider’s awfulness.
You love Steve Carell in everything he does, Paul? Care to amend that statement, or do I have to mention ‘Evan Almighty’?
I went to the Fringe once. I made friends with some Scotch people who drunkenly challeneged me to a dance off. At least some of your countrymen are accomodating, Paul.
Schneider’s terrible.
Just looked at that sparro fucker. Hideous.
the mantle that was passed from james blunt to Mika now sits righteously in the lap of Sam Sparro. A worthy recipient.
havent seen evan almighty
CCCLLLIIIICCCCKKKK!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcPEKs5Uz-8
Badger – that’s all the evidence I needed.
*pulls lever*
CCCCLLLLIIIICCCCKKKKKKK
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehCEGvw2dFs&feature=related
Excellent.
This image came up when I went looking for racey pics of Sian Lloyd:
NOT SAFE FOR WORK!
http://palevo.com/gallery/albums/userpics/10001/baba-ne-urod.jpg
Yes, Madge, she does have a very clicky mouth, doesn’t she indeed.
Her clicky mouth and Lembit Twat’s Jonathan King shaped mouth.
It was doomed from the start really.
I wonder what Cheeky’s mouth sounds like.
I imagine it’s hard to tell – what with Lembit twat’s knob in 100% of the time.
Lembit Twat – Room 101’s too good for him.
Is there perhaps a Room Aushwitz?
Except that he dumped the Cheeky girl too apparently…
That guy in the not safe for work picture with the tattoo looks like James caan. the godfather one.
Is that perhaps kathy Bates in the bucket? Does anybody know?
I am in the “Steve Martin is very good” camp. Planes train etc is very good and John Candy is excellent also. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels great film too. Michael Caine. Steve Martin needs the right script and the right actor to complement him.
he dumped a cheeky girl?
the audacity of the man. he seems to have that strutting sexual arrogance that ugly men who acquire power and therefore sexual allure later in life have.
he reminds me of a teenage boy who’s just had his first shag.
Stinger Bell. He’s a real piece of work. Hope he gets what’s coming to him.
I had the misfortune of watching that Cheeky Girls reality show where they follow around The Cheeky Girls and record everything they do on Living TV. It was so bad I couldn’t even bring myself to finish it, thus I couldn’t review it on here. And I’ve watched Britain’s Worst Teeth.
George – NO WIRE DISCUSSION. AT ALL.
Noted. Erm, Limp Bizkit? I’d like a small hole for them to disappear into so everytime I see them I’m not reminded of the fact I used to think they were great. Still, they’re better then Oasis, but a kick in the face is better then Oasis.
Sorry – I just don’t want it spoiled
Actually, if by ‘room 101’ you mean it’s literal description, as in they’re taken to a dark monolith of a room and routinely tortured with their worse fear until they break down and renounce everything, I’d like to book a six year stint for Oasis.
SH: No problem. You started watching it yet?
did anyone except me stay up late to see phil collins in room 101 a few years ago? phil collins to send someone/thing to room 101. not the other way, which would seem to be the most normal thing to happen.
however.
phil collins chose to send american tv missionaries to room 101. fine so. but it was also an oppurtunity for good ol’ pc to show us all a clip from his (horrible) “jesus he knows me” song. shameless selfpromotion.
Yeah – if I hadn’t I wouldn’t know who Stringer Bell is now, would I?
I’ve got the final episode of series (yes, ’series’ ) one to watch this weekend then have to wait till Tuesday for series two to arrive.
Actually, I’ll amend my previous statement.
NO WIRE DISCUSSION AT ALL UNLESS IT’S ABOUT ANY OF THE EPISODES UP TO AND INCLUDING EPISODE 12 SERIES ONE.
Thanks.
(Still can’t believe Wallace got shot)
Aaaah Phil Collins – world renowned raconteur, shit drummer and charmless cock.
Evan Davis, Dragons Den.
That ad for Cadburys’ Twisted bar which looks like hardcore porno.
Liz Mclarnon from Sleb Materchef’s hair, which MUST be getting in the soup by now. Is everyone too politically-correct to say ‘Wear a fucking hat you dozy scouse cow’ ?
Get in! It gets you hooked, doesn’t it? Season (when in Rome etc) 2 gets better and better, I’m half way through that at the moment and was considering not going to work today so I could knock out the rest of the episodes.
Please put in room 101 all “celebrity” chefs, indeed anybody who is happy to be termed a “celebrity”.
Shit drummer? The man’s revered for his drumming abilities in the rock world! Shit at everything else, fair enough, but shit drummer?
Kirsty Wark ( met her once, she’s only about three feet tall and two feet wide. small and stocky. who would have thought it)
Kwami Kwae Ami ( or whatever the fuck he’s called)
And everyone else on Newsnight Review apart from my old favourites from the good old days of late review – alison pearson, tony parsons and dear old buffer never heard of the beatles pop combo Tom Paulin.
Also really fancy Julie Myerson. Love that girly thing she does with her hair. Teasing hoor.
More than hooked, I’d say fully submerged in a horrible world of bastards, wastrels, pitiful no-hopers and complete political corruption.
I’ve just discovered that series 2 is in stock in HMV on Oxford Street so I’m going to go and buy it, even though I’ve got a copy in the post from Amazon. I will have two copies. I am an idiot.
*checks Amazon retruns policy*
Alright… maybe not a shit drummer. To be honest I’ve not gone out of my way to listen to a lot of Genesis. It’s all wel land good being a good drummer but if you’re in a shit band you’re still irrelevant.
Weighing in on Phil C, he could drink the blood of babies and I’d still forgive him for it, purely because of ‘in the air tonight’.
Paul – you’re right about Kwami Kwae Ami. But the good old days of Tom Paulin? Are you insane??
Their early stuff’s not bad.
Actually, I’m not getting into this.
Dont worry SH no Wire spoilers ahead …
I can proudly boast that I have seen all 5 seasons ( in the sun) of the Wire. Yes. Count them. 1,2,3,4,5.
This, I have achieved by the cunning use of utorrent.com, where you can dowload perfect copies quickly and easily – for nothing.
I hope the good lord david simon will forgive me – but I just couldnt wait.
Not getting into what, NC?
Paul – I did that with Curb Your Enthusiasm (Series 6) using isohunt and it just felt wrong. You should pay for genius.
Tom Paulins an acquired taste. But I get why people find him annoying.
I read a great ‘ life in a day’ of him from the sunday times. its funny how reading about someones day can sometimes make you do an about turn on them. he seemed very likeable and endearing in the article and I thought it was probably just my own prejudice that had been in play.
Same thing happened with alain de botton. used to find him unbearable.
then read another ‘life in a day’ about his obsessive compulsive behaviour and neuroses and instantly forgave him.
PS: SH, you should try Blockbuster. my local one has all first 3 series of the wire. just hire it for a week, £5.
THE GENESIS DEBATE. I’ve had it too many times.
Nah – if I like something I like to own a copy of it.
I’m off to HMV, BYE
I agree SH. I feel thoroughly ashamed.
I did buy the first three seasons. at full price in HMV. its only 4 and 5 I downloaded. they got a huge wad of cash out of me, which I was happy to pay – assuming any substantial part of it goes to the creators.
Still, his first solo album was good. and he was the drummer in Genesis. Not the poddle-haired padded-shouldered 80’s twats, but real actual Genesis, the one with Peter gabriel. and he sang on Trick of the tail, great album.
With the writers strike, you can damn well tell that they’re not paid crap. On average it’s about 3 cents a $20 DVD, it’s one of the things they had that strike about. Then you have to weigh in with the series creator, who will usually land a director / producer role if he’s well respected, but it’s only your David chase’s that get that much respect industry wise. Still, you wouldn’t be looking at very much money going towards most people involved in that side of the creative process.
Sorry folks, but there’s no such thing as ethical piracy.
Paul – NOOOO! Not the Genesis debate!
Genesis are boring. Debate over.
I wish I could buy DVDs but I have no money in my life. I bought the House seasons for twenty coin a piece but I’d be denied decent drama if I didn’t pirate. In that lies the greater evil.
me too dave. currently brassic.
On an unrelated subject:
I now note that loveable teenage nazi poppet-twins Prussian Blue just turned 16.
How long before the inevitable slide into drugs, stripping, lesbian incest Porno (Russian Blew!??) rehab and tell-all autobiographies?
Days, months or years?? Only time and the internet will tell.
Dave -you’re allowed to download House, Lost or Heroes as they’re all shit and not worth buying. Curb and Wire you must buy, as they are genius.
That’s my rule, and I’m sticking to it.
Batman fans…film program radio 4 today at 4.30pm.
Men in flip flops
Hair gelled fucking imbeciles
Football
Fucking guitar bands with fucking fashion hair
The cyclist cunt who nearly mowed down my 21 month old son on a pelican crossing today
Football
Talking about football
Footballers
Popular male culture and its celebration of being fucking thick, all the fucking time
Essentially gender-neutral cosmetics products re-branded in black packaging with a picture of a car on the front
Insipid guitar-based singer/songwriters who get good reviews in the Observer
“Footie”
The Red Hot Fucking Chili Peppers
People who think they’re dangerous, radical iconoclasts because they dis Doctor Who. oooh, how dangerous, radical and iconoclastic! i fucking hate those twats.
Dogs and dog owners. Fuck your dog. I hate your fucking dog.
Negativity
some cunt on the train yesterday morning wearing big sunglasses and a stupid fucking hat
The entertainment industry, particularly the film and TV sides, have failed on almost all counts to embrace, understand and utilise the internet and the possibilities it has for distribution. They don’t understand what they’ve got and they don’t know how to use it, and instead of bothering to learn and create new revenue streams, they just start suing everyone for being smarter than they are.
There’s alot of sides to the piracy debate – I personally err on the side of ‘you pay for genius’ too – but I’m not sure there’s a moral argument in there anymore… if these people are too stupid to let it slip through their fingers they shouldn’t start complaining when other people take advantage.
I think this is less true when it comes to music, but that’s a different story altogether.
For an example of the major studio’s utter fuckwittery have a read of this:
http://www.giagia.co.uk/2008/06/16/movie-marketing-vs-the-lawyers/
JonR – Is it alright to hate Doctor Who because its a badly-acted, badly scripted piece of shit of a programme that hasn’t improved one bit since Sylvester McCoy was in the saddle twenty years ago? That’s where my hatred stems from – nothing to do with iconoclasm, radicalism or dangerousnessness. Is that OK?
Oh, and fuck off about dogs.
I’m going to add ‘people who don’t think football is the pinicle of civilisation to date’ to room 101 please Sharon.
Fair play JonR, you’re welcome to your opinions, but that doesn’t stop Doctor Who being a glorified kids show with about a fifth of the wit and inventiveness it’s credited with having. And the special effects are crap.
Football’s alright. What’s wrong with football? Some elements of football culture stink, but the game itself is an amazing invention.
And if you hate dogs there’s no hope for you, frankly.
Football’s ace, isn’t it George?
Fancy Arsenal’s chances this season? I bloody don’t.
Football is great on a socio politico, cultural, entertainment, (yes I know what some might say), philosophical level and if you play it is fun. In any place anywhere I you can have a conversation with a local about football. It brings down barriers and brings people who like the beautiful game together.
…and there is an immense amount of humour in the game too.
There are a lot of “fashionista’s” who have adopted the game, but in any serious conversation they do get weeded out very quickly.
Banning talk of phil collins, but allowing football. seems a bit inconsistent to me.
I watch doctor who in the vain hope that rose tyler’s sexy slutty MILf mother will reappear and I wont have to reply to one of those ‘ make your penis hard’ spams I keep getting instead.
Anyone else have a suggestion of women where the brain says no but the nads say yes?
I’ll start you off:
tracy emin.
“It brings down barriers and brings people who like the beautiful game together.”
Really…? All I get it is shit yelled at me or my girlfriend threatened. I guess that’s my fault for walking down the high street which happens to be near Sheffield United’s ground on a matchday. Football may be a beautiful game that unites the world, but I don’t play it so all I ever see is an increased police presence, heavy public drinking and torrents of abuse for not wearing a red shirt.
football’s at least ten times better then real life, maybe more. I completely wrote of Arsenal last year, Henry had gone, no replacement to speak of, and if it weren’t for a few injuries they’d have won the bloody thing. Look at Liverpool, they’re putting in bids for Bently and Barry and they’ve got no real young players to speak of (you can set your clock by them, I know it’s winter now when they’re out of the title race), Chelsea need some key updates across the team to try and become a better team then the one that very nearly went a whole season beating nobody higher then 8th place and they’ve gone and bought a 31 year old attatcking midfielder and United are well overdue one of their wobbles, so Arsenal have as good a chance as the rest.
Thats the socio political and tribal level you are experiencing there Mr. quincy.
Anyone else have a suggestion of women where the brain says no but the nads say yes?
I’ll start you off:
tracy emin.
Christ. Let’s not play that game – I don’t want to think of Emin in that context.
Quincy – Blades fans are a different breed. You wouldn’t get the like in nearby Derby. Maybe Leeds. But it honestly does depend on the team, and Blades are some of the worst.
Also, I think you’re carrying over a bit of an outdated attitude to football… there’re still a lot of iddiots who’re into football, but then there are still a lot of idiots who’re into music. Don’t tar us all with the same brush, alright?
Ah, I did wonder. How very anthropological…
BM – I hate clicky mouths too, but I also hate people who speak with hissy Ss (i.e. a lot of gay men) and people who get those little build ups of white goo in the corner of their mouths (which I presume is closely related to the clicky mouth).
Joanne – I wholeheartedly agree with all of yours apart from Blu-tak. I would particularly recommend that SH puts the word ‘flow’ into Room 101, particularly after my GRANDMA gave me a bit of family planning advice the other day, in which the word ‘flow’ was used. Needless to say I still feel bilious at the thought.
Other things I would put in Room 101:
- The feel of dry wood, particularly on my hands or mouth. Can’t hold lolly sticks without having wrapper around it and can’t eat the ice cream that sits directly next to the stick.
- The sound of knives and forks on plates. Have to chatter my teeth together to counteract the awful sound.
- That LV advert that goes ‘Dum dee dee dum, dee dee, dwee dwee, duum dum’…
- Writing in blue pen.
- People who have no spatial awareness i.e. people who stand too closely behind you in a queue (almost touching).
- The A607 (both ways)
- Boy racers who drive modified Vauxhall Corsas.
- People who drift into your lane in order to turn a corner, without even looking.
- People who draw Os over their Is instead of dots.
- People who say unindated instead on inundated
- That pair of annoying wankers Collin & Justin who do house makeover programmes. In one programme where they were giving tips on how to sell your house, they recommended you got a blackboard and wrote things like ‘puy lentils’ and ‘emmenthal’ on it as it would make the prospective buyers think you were ‘dead cosmopolitan’.
- Justin Lee Collins’ hair.
- People who insist on driving 50mph whether in a national speed limit or a 30mph zone.
- Men with small, girly hands.
> Football is great on a socio politico, cultural, entertainment, (yes I know
> what some might say) philosophical level
what do you reckon they’d say? some suggestions:
- bollocks
- no it’s not, it’s fucking tedious
- utter, utter bollocks
seriously, if you like football – and this goes for all of you, i’m not singling anybody out – then that means you probably liked PE at school – and with 100% certainty, *that* makes you a repressed homosexual who can probably only get stiff when being flicked with a towel in a room that smells of Lynx and socks. and, and and and, you like the Arctic Monkeys.
Clarry – My missus has a similar problem to your wood thing with wool. Can’t stand it on her fingernails and the thought of it in her mouth makes her practically vomit. O’course, being a sensitive, new man sort o’ fellas, I never lose the opprotunity to drag a jumper across my teeth whenever she’s in the vicinity.
I wouldn’t put anyone in Room 101 on account of my kindness
Hey, love you guys yeah
That’s what I gather, Swineshead, but it’s the only side of football I see since I neither play nor watch the game. I know that London Road on a match day is a pretty unpleasant place to be… screaming, spitting and chanting as far as the eye can see, not to mention the broken glass, spilt beer and filthy fag ends. I actually got grabbed by a rabid drunk last year who demanded to know where my team colours were…
oh, and in the “borderline boilers” sub-topic, can anyone beat Vanessa Feltz?
in the immortal words of Viz: “your head says NO! your balls say GO!”
and i don’t give a fuck neither
I liked PE at school (we played football), not a repressed homosexual as far as I know, never got stiif “when being flicked with a towel in a room that smells of Lynx and socks”….not too keen on the arctic monkeys. (What is it with Sheffield).
JonR: I hated P.E at school. Apart from when we played football, that is. There’s nothing more depressing then playing rounders at 5 past 9 in the morning on a rainy day.
Also, I mainly only get a stiffy over snuff films and pregnant women.
I am a DW fan (Doctor Who, not Darkwing Duck) but I have to agree with what the gentlemen calling the writing, acting and special effects crap. The observation that the formula is exactly the same as Sylvestor is one-hundred-percent spot on too, except there was a little menace with Davros and the like back then.
We all know that Doctor Who was at its best in the 60s, we all know this. When it was about cavemen starting fires in caves and pixie people dancing around Skaro. I’d include Peter Cushing’s Doc in that as well.
We MUST like and keep on liking the bilge however because there has never been a better premise in anything that a timelord that bounces around in a police box fighting monsters. As a nation we should be proud of that much and keep it alive, even if it’s a shadow of what it were.
I agree about colin and justin, Clarry. ( is that some sort of ambridge reference, I usually turn the radio off just in time, but occassionally I’m washing the dishes and dont quite make it)
being scottish, they give us all a bad name.
Its a shame theyre gay, because they might think people dont like them for their sexual chioces.
wheras I dont like them because theyre both smug royston vasey-faced irritating camp twats. how they shag is irrelevant.
Hey, whilst I don’t enjoy the games of feet balls myself, I know it brings a helluva lod of love an joy to people yeah, so, hey, live and let live I say!
Don’t put foot into 101, come on guys!
Hug anyone? I’ve washed my penis
…hardly an advert for the beautiful game, is it?
I know that not all footy fans are the same, but I figure the less I have to do with the sport the better. I also hate the insulting wages paid to footballs players and the horrific crash commerciality of it, not to mention the fact it seems to have complete control of football listings and the fact that, if you’ll forgive me, it’s really really really really fucking boring.
Oh, and Dr. Who is crap. Middle of the road television based on heavy marketing and ageing cult fanbase. It’s sci fi’s answer to friends. You could at least enjoy some decent sci fi / fantasy, pick up a bloody Terry Pratchett novel.
‘complete control of footabll listings?’
I meant televison listings, obviously…
Mikey, do you drink Coke Zero?
Quincy: You’re talking about a profession you take up at around the age of 13, leaving you with ten years to earn money and no education for the rest of your life. Put with the fact that the majority of professional footballers don’t play at a level that earns you what premiership footballers (about 98% worldwide) and you’ll realise that footballers aren’t overpaid at all especially compared to musicians and other celebrities (Kaka, probably the highest paid footballer and best of his generation, earns a year the same amount that Limp Bizkit pocketed for releasing Chocolate Starfish ALONE).
For me, personally, Doctor Who isn’t my bag. But I know it brings a helluva lod of love an joy to people yeah, so, hey, live and let live I say!
I’m stick waiting for that hug by the way
(I had a back, sack and crack done yesterday)
(penis is spotless)
Terry Pratchett? sure, and i’ll grow a beard, join the Ramblers’ Association, and start using fucking Linux while i’m at it.
(i’m more of an Alaistair Reynolds fan myself.)
Mikey, do you drink Coke Zero? Never, indeed I could tell you a story about that. Red can coke for me, the original .
I hated P.E. at school and was shit at it. I love watching football and regularly go to see Arsenal. I’m sure I’m not the only exception to JonR’s rule.
I also cannot STAND lolly sticks on my teeth, or the sound of polystyrene squeaking.
See what youve started SH with this footie debate. bring back phil fucking collins, even that was more interesteding.
JonR, youre on your own with vanessa felch. Which, I guess is how you like it.
Anyone have an idea what happened with Billie pipers speech impediment in latest doctor who?
JonR: All of those are optional extras, you know. Kind of like how having a plot that doesn’t patronise a seven year old seems to be an optional extra on most of this modern Dr. Who crap.
George the wages are too much. you can retire for life now whereas in the eighties and early nineties not really the case. However, you do not choose to be a football player, you have to be bloody good and lucky and I think when it boils down to it a football player will play whether he is being paid 100 grand a week or paying £5 a week to play on Sunday. In both scenarios it would be the same person. You eithe love it or not. So i do not really begrudge the wages but do see how it may be seen as distasteful.
hey, my dad loves Pratchett. he also has a beard, drinks real ale, is in the Ramblers’ Association and manages a rural parish in lincolnshire.
i’m just saying.
You can’t stand lolly sticks on your teeth either? You’d not like my habits, then. I’m a serial chewer and eater. I’ll gnaw away on lolly sticks until my tongue’s full of splinters, I regularly eat the wax off mini babybels, I eat orange peel, plastic, paper, you name it. I get through one of those WHSmith tablet erasers every week – lovely.
Jon, is your dad a vicar or an overlord?
Statement T-Shirts.
worse than statement T-shirts are the totally meaningless ones that say things like “Ghetto Funkateer” or “Good Times” or have a picture of a fucking monkey on them. i hate monkeys, OH LOL A MONKEY! LOL
OKay .. new topic suggestion … how about…
PHIL COLLINS IN STOCKING AND SUSPENDERS AND AN ARSENAL TOP HUGGING ANOTHER MAN.
that should satisfy everybody
Chunky Munky or some icecream flavour brand like that, aint it? Or Apestar. Idiots.
“I’m with Stupid” alway’ s makes me laugh.
Monkeys are brilliant, JonR – are you on the fucking blob?
These things are great:
Football (especially my beloved Arsenal)
Monkeys
The Wire
These things AREN’T great:
Doctor Who
Lolly sticks
Terry Pratchett
Paul..you like your Phil Collins don’t you? Has he ever done a song about football? Does he support a team?
JonR: My brother likes Dr. Who. He also likes Cheese Strings and professional wrestling. I’m just saying.
Not being the sort of fan who hates other clubs..I would have to say old Nick Hornby strikes me as a bit of a “fashionista”.
i agree, The Wire magazine is very good, i especially enjoyed this month’s piece on atonal tape-splice musique concrète
swineshead, do you drink Coke Zero?
I’d add dogs to the list of great things.
yes, monkeys are a sacred no-go area so far as I’m concerned also.
All hail the monkeys, our fine curly-tailed friends. all hail.
No, I dont like phil collins. just tired of hearing about football.
Agreed, NC. An official list will be published later. A final, definitive list. Coke Zero will be on the list of rubbish things along with that moaning GIRL JonR. Comments will not be allowed.
Yours,
Joe Stalin.
The problem with Dr. Who is that it has been made to be “relevant” and in a modern context. The original ones never had to do this, there was no tip and a wink to the present.
None theless i agree “has never been a better premise in anything that a timelord that bounces around in a police box fighting monsters. As a nation we should be proud of that much and keep it alive, even if it’s a shadow of what it were.” –Dave
I also would add that we all need Daleks as well.
Tell you something about Phil, he a ruddy good drummer…
And you monkey AND Phil lovers, the recent Cadbury advert must have had you in apoplexy!!!
I love Chocolate, me
(I need to re-clean my penis incidentally; I just got all spunk over the cap so no hugs for a few mins. Check you guys later)
All cokes except the red ones. But if not agreed, definitely coke zero to the room.
Paul – deleted your comment without reading it. Don’t be a cock.
“You’re talking about a profession you take up at around the age of 13, leaving you with ten years to earn money and no education for the rest of your life.”
Awwww, those poor fucking babies… and to think I used to be sympathetic of those normal people like nurses, or teachers who have to work stupid hours and train for years only to earn absolutely nothing but the right to default on a rapidly increasingly morgage. Just because they burn out after 10 years does not entitle them to earn the likes of £100,000 a week when the average nurse takes home £21,000 a year.
I don’t give a flying fuck if very few footballers earn high wages or not, it’s their dream and if they want to it they should be prepared for the consequences like everybody else is. You wouldn’t consider paying a politician the same amount would you, just because there’s a chance they might not get elected next year and that’d be the end of their career.
I agree with you about Limp Bizkit, though, and I think it’s pretty fair to agree the sliding pay scale of relative societal worth is so skewed that it’s a painfully old argument.
I’ll say this, though; Wayne Rooney may be talented, but he’s a fucking neanderthal fuck and I greatly resent the fact that him and his vacuous wife earn more money in a week than a million other more deserving people; people who actually perform a service that is of use and purpose and not just a dancing puppet for whatever Russian Olgiarch has bought out the ‘home team’ this week.
no mikey, no. don’t try and establish some kind of fucking concensus like some kind of fucking pussy.
What’s going on ‘ere?
JonR and Paul have gone all bolshy.
Calm down everyone.
sorry, should’ve added
LOL
SH: it wasnt real.
I just put a spoof storyline about mcnulty marying a monkey in an attempt to evade alimony payments.
I would NEVER put up a real plotline sir. But I admire your tenaciousness anyway.
I’ll say this, though; Wayne Rooney may be talented, but he’s a fucking neanderthal fuck and I greatly resent the fact that him and his vacuous wife earn more money in a week than a million other more deserving people; people who actually perform a service that is of use and purpose and not just a dancing puppet for whatever Russian Olgiarch has bought out the ‘home team’ this week.
Keep thinking like that and you’ll never leave the fucking house.
quincy, for a man who hates football, you dont half bloody go on about it.
Oh. Soz, Paul. You know how it is etc…
McNulty actually looks a bit like a monkey.
*tries to turn off emoticons*
yeah, but that Colleen Rooney, you would, eh? eh?
I’m just being argumentative, stuck in the office all day in the heat doing needless but boring repetitive tasks…
Swinehead, am I forgiven and welcomed back into the milky bosom of the WWM fold?
Bearing in mind that I never actually did anything wrong!
I like concensus. Agreed?
I’d add Dave Mustaine’s hair to that list of great things. It’s hair that belongs in a national museum of haircuts.
yes, colleen rooney, quite sexy.
why oh why oh why do I find women sexier when I know theyre thick as shit?
… and could this be in any way connected to the fact that Im still single?
Quincy, mate, I’m going to nicely remind you that not every player in the world comes from a council estate in Birmingham and ends up playing for Manchester United. Most of them come from the kind of places that make the life of your average medical student look like the fucking goodies. I’ll tell you what, why don’t you go and look up how much your average person born to a war torn African nation earns when he skips illegally across six countries to get a trial with a second division Norwegian team would be earning. Go on, and then tell me footballers don’t have it hard.
Basically, mate, you’re basing your views on the premiership, which is like basing my views on how well off your average Russian is by looking at Roman Abramovich.
Blimey! You only have to mention football and it all ‘kicks off’, eh?
See what I did there? ‘Kicks off’? As in a game of football ‘kicking off’ AND an argument about football ‘kicking off’? Yes?
See?
Of course Paul, even though you twisted my melon.
If we’re putting haircuts in great things, let’s put Donald Trump’s bouffant in there – never fails to amuse.
Mikey – ditto.
Napoleon Says:
July 25, 2008 at 2:37 pm edit
Blimey! You only have to mention football and it all ‘kicks off’, eh?
See what I did there? ‘Kicks off’? As in a game of football ‘kicking off’ AND an argument about football ‘kicking off’? Yes?
See?
Indeed – n’doubt the whole Carly Simon ‘one-take’ disagreement will be ‘Coming Around Again’ soon enough.
Yes?
Its funny how tastes change over time.
I remember way back in the mists of time, there was a show called ‘my favourite things’ where d-list daytime celebrities went on and talked about things they loved.
Now its Room 101. which is much better tv.
the moral of the story is: it’s harder to be funny and entertaining when youre saying how good something is. ask any tv/film/music reviewer.
20 clubs in Premiership with squads of say 25 players, therefore at most about 500 players are in the top earnings bracket. Not many really. Also they pay their taxes. Compare this to the City where bonuses and corruption occur and big fat pay offs……etc.
My favourite thing is Twix. My worst thing is Steve Martin wearing a statement T-Shirt whilst listening to Sam Sparro.
Why would you drink Coke Zero when Pepsi Max is on offer inches away.?They didn’t think it through.
See what happens when you mention football SH? before you know it people are using the term ‘mate’
Soon we’ll all be expected to hop in the old shower together laddishly and thwack each other with towels and so on.
And it can only end in manly tears. end it now. for the sake of us all. if only to stop napoleons word play. the poor boys out there on his own…
I predict the Carly Simon one-take ‘Coming Around Again’ disagreement will rear its ugly head again very soon, Swineshead. Indeed, around about the time I, a close personal friend of Carly Simon, say something along the lines of,
“She recorded ‘Coming Around Again’ in one take.”
So, that’ll be now then.
Its a little know fact actually Napoleon that she wrote ‘YOURE SO VAINED’
in honour of my magnificent tumnescence.
The fact that I was only about 7 at the time, is greater testament to my prowess. and this coming from a man who doesnt even LIKE football.
Paul mate, we need to go and run around for ninety minutes saying things like, “on me ead Paul mate”, “time, time, now”, “cross it”. Then after this we can all have a nice shower together.
i fucking knew it
MAN ON
Oh cocking fuck. I’m sick of writing long responses only to have my comment deleted by the so called spam checker. There’s the 4th time this has happened to me today, just because I include a link in the post.
Long and short of it;
George – you’re right and I’m sorry, I don’t know enough about the plight of the average footballer to comment properly. I’m just being argumentative. Those in the premier league are painfully overpaid though.
Mikey – you’re right about ‘the city’, they’re the real cunts here.
Paul – If you are going to make a shitty joke, at least get it right. It should have been ‘You’re So VEINED’ to infer she was writing about you cock, not ‘vained’. You blithering idiot.
Mikey: You forgot to stick it in the ol’ onion bag.
“MAN ON”…not to be said in the showers though.
Quincy: I’d agree with you about the Premier League. It cheapens the rest of football, and society, which is probably almost half as important as football.
i once had a lengthy conversation with a taxi driver about football as part of an experiment to prove my hypothesis that you don’t actually need to know anything AT ALL about football, or express an opinion of any kind, in order to talk about it at length.
This man should NOT go into Room 101 -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_Petomane
Before we knock football on the head, can I try and work in some kind of nod to half man half biscuit lyrics like ‘you never see cricket fans shouting ‘who’s the bastard in the black?’
Jon R ..but did the taxi driver know anything about football though? and would you have known? When having a conversation about football you can gauge the level you have to pitch at (notice the pun) with the other participant. Some turn out to be complete experts on minutiae and others talk a load of crap.
JonR: Of course you don’t, otherwise they wouldn’t be such a thing as a pundit.
BOOM BOOM!
not a bad joke I thought, spelling mitsake aside
the man in blacks parentage is not in question, it’s usually to do with his own self gratification….
Judith! JUDITH!?
Where the fuck is she? It’s 4 already and she said she’d be here at a quarter to…
Bloody women, eh lads?
Napoleon, you should already be in Room 101 anyway. Pedants went in early this morning. how did you escape?
I can’t keep up with this
no more football for today though it has been a few weeks so this brief albeit incongruous chat has been fun. Can Victiria and David go to room 101?
what about that Shami Chakrabarti then eh? eh lads?
phwoar, i’m well hetero i am.
Piqued. remind me. are you the guy that likes cuddling strangers and cleaning his privates?
I think we all know fine well why she hasnt turned up sir.
There you are!
… you okay?
Oh Christ, what’s the matter with your face?
Oh my God, someone call an ambulance, Judith has had an axstidenntsz…
or her out of Battlestar Galactica.
not the blonde cylon one though, oh no, the other one, the MILF one, the one with cancer. you know who i mean. phwoooar!
Paul, don’t just stand there, for God’s sake help her!
Her bowels have gone, don’t mind that…
*hack*
*gag*
It’s well exciting in here today! Well exciting.
Can I throw Peter Jackson fanbois into 101? Is that allowed?
Jon, get her other arm…
For anyone who loves chimps, I thoroughly recommend the site:
http://www.cracked.com/article_15853_6-cutest-animals-that-can-still-destroy-you.html
Really really funny.
(Im over 14, so cant do a live link, but just cut and paste obviously)
paul, do you buy moisturiser in a matt-black bottle with a picture of a car on the front and the word “performance” or “sport” on the label?
JonR – your loaded questions are a bit fighty
I do JonR.
oh come on. i’m only trying to ingratiate myself by being all “grrrr, we’re all blokes yeah, dead edgy and that”.
i knew it
I think we’re probably the least edgy blog on the internet, to be honest. Football’s barely mentioned (you started it today), we talk about Eastenders and argue about the virtues of frozen chicken products.
‘I do JonR.’
I didn’t notice a proposal but you guys’ll make a lovely couple and I wish you both all the best.
I was thinking the same, Dave. Oooh! I’ll have to buy a hat!
gays is rong, dave.
It’s only rong if the balls touch, Jon. You’ll be fine, pettle!
I dont buy moisturiser JonR.
Piqued comes round and rubs me down with a moistened towelette. then we hug. manfully.
JonR, you sound far too manly to be on this site. I can only surmise that you are in fact a woman in disguise, getting your kicks hanging with us super cool guys. fair enough.
and george, stop moisturising your hands and looking at me like that
Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, JonR.
Wrong, Jon? Is this Dark Ages Day on WWM?
I think JonR’s got the wrong idea of this site. He’s doing this sarcastic voice mocking footbally masculine men which is all well and good, except none of us sound like that.
No, NC – JonR’s being funny. It’s not his fault if we don’t laugh.
Shhhh guys, I think I’m in here.
not quite SH. refer to previous comment about trying to ingratiate myself. smilies, LOL etc
George, you had him with hello. He likes Georges, and so he should.
Oh, right. Anyway, I’m trying to do some work, so can you lot keep the fucking noise down?
> It’s not his fault if we don’t laugh.
oh so it’s funny when Charlie Brooker says “gays is rong” in TVGH, but if i blindly repeat it at every opportunity for 5 years after i read it, it’s somehow not funny, is that what you’re saying?
Baby, calm down. Come here. Let me hug you with my superiorly smooth hands.
I don’t find Charlie Brooker all that funny, personally, so in my case your repeating it isn’t funny. Now Peggy off of Hi-De-Hi -SHE was funny.
sue pollard, PHWOOOOAR! eh? eh?
A friend of a friend had sex with Su Pollard – no word of a lie.
Captain Janeway. I’d boldly go where etc.
holy fuck. i’m going to be sick
the lesbotic one out of Mel & Sue. phwoar etc
Try not to do it down that jumper you borrowed from me last night.
try not to die from the hepatitis-C you almost certainly contracted from me last night.
Susie whatshername of Countdown. She is filthy.
Soooo…. 226 comments, is that a record? What’s the WWM post with the most ever responses?
I’m really not getting whether you’re being ironic or not, but even if you are just listing women and saying ‘phwoar etc’ doesn’t make much sense.
Let’s move on, eh?
> Susie whatshername of Countdown. She is filthy.
the one in dictionary corner? fuck yeah. my balls are aching now, you made my balls ache
I’ll try not to. Also, I’m going to stay with you even though you’re a disease ridden harlot.
No idea on the post with most comments – JQW is the trainspotter who notices that sort of thing
On the subject of ‘your head says no but your balls say go’, I have a bit of a thing for that overweight pig-faced actress who plays Tania in EastEnders. I’m usually a bit of a fascist when it comes to women’s figures, coming down on the side of Auschwitz-thin (unless I’m hammered, then all bets are off), but this hog in knickers floats my underpant boat everytime she thunders across my screen.
SH is this friend a woman? I always thought pollard was a gay.
sorry SH, someone started it with Tracey Emin, i just picked it up and ran with it. and ran. and ran.
It’s alright, I just can’t be arsed to create a ‘most sexist list’ as it’d be a logistical nightmare.
Whereas the ‘most racist’ one is easy.
Dave’s at the top, in case anyone didn’t realise.
I always thought I was the most sexist one on ‘ere?
SH – I’m writing to the bloke what writes code for Wordpress, that young lad regarding the libelous abuse I get here. I’ll be the blogging Mosely, just without the paddles or money.
and i’ll be the aryan, the blonde…
Please remember Mr Swinehead sir that I’m the new boy here and it is only my first day.
So far as the nads vs brain boiler debate, (to give it its sensitive PC nomenclature) I can only tell you that … a big boy did it and ran away!
Hope that clears it all up sir.
Yours, the New Boy.
I’ve got that Wordpress bloke here, sat next to me. He’s thinking of banning you Dave. (He nodded as I type that).
Carly Simon’s here too, eating a scotch egg.
It’s alright, Paul – I blame Dave.
“sitting next” to you is he…I bet you’ve got him dressed as a Nazi n’all while he “sits next” to you (and Piqued for that matter).
I understand now. That’s why you’ve been topping his most viewed lists, eh? EH?
“sitting next”.
I blame dave too sir. I dont really get his ’sitting next’ gag though.
“gag” – you’re just as bad n’all, said the vicar to the nun (Nazi).
Hope you guys are watching The Shining on More4.
Probably the best horror film ever made. I know that’s a very short list, but still. great movie – even if they do kill off much-beloved childhood hero Hong Kong Fooey far too early. Burnt toast, alright.
Blimey! Goes quiet at the weekend here doesn’t it!
You’d think you all had homes to go to our something …
Roger Mellie’s appearance was the best, even if it was fictional. Hoping to get his career back on track after being caught wanking in a cinema, he deliberately picks populist choices such as traffic wardens, footballers and Monday Mornings. Paul then asks what his last choice is. He says ‘the blacks!’ and produces a golliwog. He is arrested live on air.
Beat that, Gervais.
Party boo mah yey.
Finally bought the Shining on DVD yesterday (along with The Thing)
Got home all excited for a night of horror/thrillers only to discover I really wasn’t in the mood and wanted something light hearted to settle myself down for kip time.
Ended up watching Euro Trip instead on TV at about 1am.
How did I manage to sabotage my own evening of (potentially great) film watching?
Where is everyone?
We’re all dead, Clarry.
That is so selfish of you all, I need entertaining god dammit…
Swineshead’s polishing off a Dragon’s Den, and I’ve done over The Dark Knight, so hold on to your ‘orses.
Bloody women – they can even nag on the internet.
Dark Knight review better be good….or else…nothing.
Don’t get me started! I agree strongly with Bill Bailey (and whoever else put him in) that Chrs De Burgh should go in.
Oh and shampoo adverts.