Okay, I’m a man. So when reviewing a programme called ‘The Perfect Vagina’ it’s hard not to think of a gag every 15 seconds. And ex-Scrapheap Challenge presenter Lisa Rogers certainly gave me enough material.
‘I don’t think my husband Paul realised by making this film, I’d start talking fannies day and night’
He probaby didn’t Lisa, otherwise I’m sure he’d have set up a premium-rate chatline. You can make a fortune with that sort of thing.
Lisa’s mission was to find out why so many young women in Britain these days are opting for vaginal cosmetic surgery or ‘labiaplasties’. There’s been a 300% increase in the demand for this procedure privately in the past few years and even NHS demand has doubled since 2003.
Speaking to a girl who waxes women’s lady-bits, Lisa found out that the problem seemed to start in the late 90’s, around the time Sex and the City first hit our screens and Brazilians started becoming much more popular. With the consequent bareness of this new fanny-fashion, many women started to feel self-conscious about the look of their vaginas.
The main story centered around 21-year-old Rose who was so self-conscious about the shape of her vaginal lips that she was getting them trimmed. She was actually a very nice-looking girl and fully-clothed she looked perfectly normal. But she was so distressed about the appearance of her vagina that I was half-expecting she must have had a fanny that trailed along the ground behind her and had to be disguised as a wedding train and supported by two fanny bridesmaids wherever she went.
Not at all, as it turns out. It looked perfectly normal. The plastic surgeon chopped a few bits off anyway. Seeing as she’d gone to the trouble of bringing along the tv crew and shelling out a small fortune, it would have been rude not to.
We then saw Rose in recovery and were told it would take up to three months for the procedure to heal. Even I crossed my legs at that point and I don’t even own a fanny (although I do occasionally rent one in the Dordogne.)
Lisa also spoke to Brighton artist Jamie, who was casting 160 vulvas in plaster of paris to display as part of a large ‘Vaginal Wall’ art exhibit. Dirty bastard. I wish I’d thought of that one.
There is regulatory requirement on these sort of shows where they have to ask a New Age gimp what their solution to the problem is, and this one was no different. So Lisa consulted fanny-guru Rachael Foops (no tittering at the back) who advised that women’s vaginas have stories and memories locked inside them and that by talking to them, women can heal these emotional scars.
To her credit, Lisa burst out laughing at this point. But, by the end of the show, she was sitting cross-legged in a kaftan eating pomegranites and showing her twinkle to the group like the rest of them – obviously on the basis that it makes good TV.
A more serious problem was highlighted by the rise in ‘Laser Hymenoplasties’ -particularly amongst young, Muslim women. These poor ladies are apparently under an increasing pressure to ‘bleed’ on their wedding night to prove they are still virgins, so they are having their hymens artificially reinstored. Here’s a tip for you girls: if your husband-to-be is such an evil religious bigot that he wants blood on the wedding night, why not just bite off his testicles? Better still, don’t marry the twat in the first place. No bloodshed required on either side. Just a thought.
Of course, we poor unfortunate men have had to contend with this sort of thing for decades. The size of the penises you see in porn movies are not at all representative of the rest of us, and a friend of mine (not me, a friend of mine) can only make it through one of these ghastly films by repeating over and over to himself the mantra ‘he’s just got very small hands, he’s just got very small hands’… As I say - not me, a friend of mine.
It also can’t help that every second email I receive asks me if I would like a bigger cock – and that’s just the ones I get from my mother. So we men feel your pain, ladies, and not just because it increases our chances of a shag, but y’know, for like, proper caring reasons ‘n’ stuff.
We’re all victims of this brainwashing shite. So here’s an idea. Stop buying the glossy magazines, girls, and stick around with us here at Watch With Mothers. I can assure you there are far bigger and uglier twats than yours on this very site, every day of the week.
Cue the comments…
*end of football comment*
306 Comments
I’m unclear about something after reading this article: You say Rogers was sat about showing off her front unmentionable to a group of ladies, but did she share it with the whole class, i.e. the viewers?
*hovers over Channel 4’s repeat player*
Was Marisa Tomei in it?
Lovely lookin’ woman.
sh “Was Marisa Tomei in it?”
In the…?
Ok Indy, that’s quite enough about Tomei, you’ve had your fun. Let’s move on.
Hymenoplasties – how the hell does that work?
Maybe they get a packet of disposable hymens that can then be clipped into some sort of surgically fitted hymen-clasp.
I’d make a terrifying surgeon.
I was thinking they could just impregnate a sheet of corned beef with some jam then wedge it over the front of the wanny like a gum shield.
That sounds like it, Swineshead. I can’t think of any way of recreating the hymen other than this corned beef contraption of yours.
Christ almighty, that vaginal wall thing though – take any shit idea and do a wallful of it and the media will hail you as some art genius. Take my dad – he took a photo of everthing he ate for a year, made it into a wall of photos and ended up on the sofa of BBC breakfast and got The Times’ image of the day. And he’s in Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. Load of bollocks. I reckon I should take a photo of my arse every day for a year and call it a Michelangelo.
I gave this a miss, due to confusing Lisa Rogers with Lisa Riley. I really didn’t want to see Mandy Dingle’s dingle out on show for all to see, as it were.
That was your dad? Sorry about this, Wagonwheel, but I remember thinking that man was an arsehole.
Mandy’s Dingle – an enduring image.
That would be him. He made up a load of rubbish to say, partly because he was a bit bemused by it all, thought he could make a bit of cash selling it and didn’t want to undermine it on public tv. I reckon he should have called it a pile of shite on live tv. that would have got it more fame.
Tie ‘em in a bow.
Sorry, Wagonwheel, but that bloke off of tele being your dad makes a lot of sense.
Dave – that calls to mind that classic song, Do Your Lips Hang Low
Can you swing ‘em to and fro?
Can you tie ‘em in a knot?
Can you tie ‘em in a bow?
Can yooooooou
Toss ‘em over your shoulder
Like a regimental shoulder
Do your liiiiips hang low.
And aaall the other versions of it, substituting lips for nuts, boobs, ears etc.
Dave – elaborate, you arse.
That puts me in mind of that version of Daisy Daisy involving plastic bags and general disgracefulness.
I think the next thing yer old man should do is record measurements of his faeces for a year with one of them wooden, Victorian rules. He could dry out his favourite gems, wrap them in tinsel and hang them on the Christmas tree.
That’d get in G2.
Dave – That’s sort of already been done by a bloke on the internet whose link, I believe, is still on this site.
Or maybe, to keep it on topic, you should go round collecting chopped off bits of vaginas and arrange them on a wall in the shape of a giant vagina.
The vagina plaster cast thing is no bloody different to the groupie that used to take casts of rock stars’ cocks in the 70s. Nobody called her an artist.
It’s different in that it’s about vaginas and walls.
Oh right. Well maybe someone should suggest she sticks all these cocks on a wall? That way she’s an artist, apparently.
Talk about taking the fucking piss. “How do I get me ‘ands on one hundred fannies? I know, I’ll say it’s for an art project.” Wank, wank, wank … disgraceful. Dirty sods are always dressing up their mucky thoughts as art – take that 9 Songs rubbish. That was just a porno film the director pretended was art just so nobody thought of him in the same way we think of Seymour Butts or Ben Dover. Art, my arse.
Cynthia Plastercaster, wasn’t it? She’s still going strong, apparently. Saw her on a documentary called something like ‘My Micropenis and Me’. It was about a man with a small winkle, if you couldn’t guess from the oblique title.
Manjinas need casting, or scultping too. Somebody ‘approach’ Sharon Davis immediately. Wagonwheel.
Napoleon:
“Cynthia Plaster Caster, nee Cynthia Albritton (born in 1947 in Chicago, Illinois) is an artist” (wikipedia)
Touché!
And so NC comes round to my original point. My thanks.
What was your Dad doing taking photos of plaster cast fannies for anyway, JQW? Hasn’t he got a job?
Indy – Wikipedia – An enormous pile of shit made up by imbeciles with no understanding of the concept of fact-checking or research. Condemned by every major academic body on earth.
Cynthia Plaster Caster – Cock munching slag famous for plaster-casting cocks she has previously munched. Not an artist. For examples of artists, see: Da Vinci, Leonardo; Holbein, Hans; Harris, Rolf; etc.
Up yours!
He’s not got a proper job, no.
The aristocracy never does. Look at that buffoon the Marquis of Bath. He just makes awful looking papier mache heads of the billions of wifelets he’s had over the years. Idiot.
Mystery bruises. I’ve just noticed one on my left wrist. Where’s that come from? Any ideas?
What’s the difference between the stated and those wobbly, rubber sex toys you find in Blackpool giftshops looking remarkably like the Predator?
Seriously.
He’s one of them opera types.
Wanking in a cupboard?
Who did have the perfect vagina then? I assume there was some kind of phone vote.
Ah, The Marquis of Bath – is he the arsehole who’s ruined his country house painting lurid, rubbish pictures all over it?
Bloody hippies.
I don’t remember wanking in a cupboard. I was pretty hammered on Saturday night, so I could have been wanking in a cupboard. Mind you, at my age it’s not likely … and anyway, I was in a hotel room. Why would I find it necessary to climb into a cupboard to have a wank?
I think you’ll find the perfect vagina was owned by a lady called Charlotte in an early 90s edition of Club International, Tombstone.
But was she the public favourite, or did the corporation fiddle with the results. Like when that bloke who couldn’t sing won X Factor.
I see Ive scared off all the woman. typical. Good taste with marisa tomei SH, I love her.
You didnt see wee lisa’s trouser-beastie unforunately, no.
Swineshead – That’s the fella. Inherits the magnificent Elizabethan pile iof Longleat, then paints half of it bright blue and covers it in papier mache portraits of the endless stream of ladies he’s managed to persuade into his bed. Mad as a march hare by all accounts.
I spoke to some Lord, might have been him, SH, unless they’re all at it. He got people to cover his home in Disney characters because he was living in a damp, shit heap of hell yet still passing himself off as superior. He was thick as they come and bloody patronising.
Tombstone – I didn’t watch The Perfect Vagina as it clashed with grown-up television on BBC2. I don’t know if Charlotte from an early 90s edition of Club International won or not, but if she didn’t it’s as scandalous a misuse of public phone-in votes as that time Blue Peter lied to children and scarred the next generation for life.
When you go to Longleat now (it’s 20 minutes away from me), they give you a cd/tape to play as you go through the safari park. It mainly consists of Lord Bath going on about how enormously wealthy he is in a slovenly mix of Eton drawl and inbred moan. Then he tries to get you to book a fucking wedding there.
It’s Deliverance meets Brideshead Revisited.
Dave – I don’t think that was the Marquis of Bath. He’s a bazillionaire thanks to his overpriced safari park raking in the pounds. The house is in fine nick … well, the bit of it that hasn’t been ruined by the present inhabitant is anyway.
He’s got a Doctor Who walk-through museum now. You basically pay to walk through a darkened room with a few shitty little TVs playing the intro graphics and music from different years and then are funneled into a gift shop.
I went to Longleat and the lions just lounged around doing fuck all. They should take a leaf out of Jurassic Park’s book and throw a live goat in the enclosure as you drive through. Show me a seven year old girl who wouldn’t want to see a live goat being torn limb from limb by ravenous lions. Bath’s missed a trick there.
Mingles, if you like Tomei, download Before The Devil Knows Your Dead immediately.
Wagonwheel – That sounds like another high-quality Dr Who product. Was it designed by the same mentally retarded people who write the show?
I wouldn’t be surprised. Maybe Lord Bath is a guest writer.
Show me a goat who wouldn’t like to see a seven year old girl being torn limb by limb by ravenous lions and I will show you a lying bastard goat.
Swinshead recommended this film to me yesterday. I am forever in his debt as a consequence. Tit-tastic.
Right, I’m off before my Busy Day Of Doing Things turns into Sitting In Me Pants Eating Crisps.
Has anyone here actually ever ate crisps in their pants? It’s something people say, me included, but I’ve yet to actually try it.
Any fun, or just cold, depressing thirsty work?
I’ve smoked, drank and eaten hundreds of different things in my underpants, Tombstone. I’m sure this is one of the reasons my missus love sme so much. Another would be my belching talents, I suspect.
I defer to no man in my worship of the lovely marisa, not even george constanza, so I will download that immediately SH. thanks for the tip.
Nice Seinfeld reference, I’d forgotten that episode.
I’ve never been one for being in my underpants, although I wear a big black coat in the summer. I never tire of people asking “aren’t you hot?” Or confusing me with one of those annoying goth types.
Seinfeld was a big pile of crap. As was Friends, Frasier, Cheers and all those other sitcoms we mentioned weeks ago.
Favourite Seinfeld episode everyone?
Got to be when Kramer tries to run the car on empty to see how far it will go. The Contest is overrated, nothing funny about wanking.
HA HA HA HA HA! That sounds hilarious, Tombstone! Tries to run a car on an empty tank, eh? Priceless!
too many to chose from. george sleeping under his desk, puffy shirt, junior mints. too many.
Is that the one where Kramer calls a black man a monkey before crying like a baby on Letterman the following week?
… because I choose not to run!
Big pile of shit.
Soup Nazis funny, though. But only in the context of the person they based him on. Still, I prefer the Soup Dragon.
They are all top quality shows, remember the Cheers when they drank the beer and told the jokes, all to an audience who laughed far too loud.
Great days.
Napoleon, Seinfeld was funny because it was about everyday things that you don’t think are funny until it’s pointed out to you. Like Peter Kay.
Tombstone – I do that. It’s called going to the pub. With people, not permed dwarves and arseholes that went on to make rubbish Channel 4 specials about Gulliver’s travels.
The big salad was a good one. NC’s view of sitcoms is the wrong way round, by his own admission. This is a man who actively enjoys Keeping Up Appearances.
To be fair I frickin’ love Keeping Up Appearances.
And Dave Cheers has all the fun of the pub but in the safety of your own home. In a fort made of sofa cushions, with a big stick ready to fight off the chavs/immigrants/gypsies or whoever the Daily Mail tell you to be scared of this week.
I can see why people dislike Seinfeld (appalling fashions, Americans, slap bass between every scene, the acted stand up prologue and epilogue) but it still has some extremely good dialogue. Unlike Frasier which is a pile of shit.
To the author of the post. Well done for accepting Roger’s as the presenter, the Guardian bloggers were in apoplexy because she’s not a ‘real journalist’, the wankers.
I thought it was a good show and your final point was spot on.
The practitioners of the procedure came across as completely amoral; there should be some sort of legal obligation for counselling before any procedure. That first girl who we saw having her flaps cut off had a perfectly usable fundament.
The most depressing aspect of the show as pointed out was the religious/sexist/patriarchal side of it. I’m not going to bother going into details because it makes me fucking sick.
I loved the one where george dates the daughter of the women at the employment exchange so she’ll extend his welfare payments.
Tombstone – Seinfeld wasn’t funny, it was a big pile of shit.
Swineshead – So? That doesn’t disqualify my opinion when it comes to shit like Seinfeld. And I note you only drag that up when it comes to my criticising something you like. Weren’t so quick to pull it out of the hat when it came to my agreeing with you about Friends or Cheers or all those other shitty shows we mentioned the other week, were you?
Ever show should have slap bass in between each scene. Imagine how much more fun Eastenders or those documentaries about brain tumours would be.
Frasier rules, pretensious farce, what’s not to love.
And of course fashion in a show is going to look bad, in 10 years people will be sitting in their silver jumpsuits (which is what they were saying we would be wearing now about 20 years ago) thinking ‘what they heck were we wearing back then.
Piqued, I believe we follow a much more stringent journalistic code here than at the Guardian.
And of course that should be every at the start and fashion in an old show. And I couldn’t be bothered to look up how to spell pretentious/pretenshush?
The Seinfeld episode which is most pertinent to my life is the one about The Kiss Hello. I hate it when people try to kiss me ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’.
I know Europeans don’t know any better, so I can forgive them, but when English people try and air kiss me I feel like lamping them and telling them to grow up.
Piqued – Why are you getting so worked up about it? It’s not your fanny under the knife, is it? If these girls want to chop up their cloppers, that’s their business. You want to butt out, chum. Keep your nose out of other people’s fannies, yes? They’re not yours.
Interesting that the only comments on here (whether about JQW’s dad or the programme) are from blokes…
I missed the show but agree 100% with piqued’s comment above.
NC – Please be sensitive – Piqued had his winky swapped for a fanny back in the 80s when he was 32.
Badger Madge – was that a criticism? If so, I blame the ladies for not chucking an opinion in.
Swineshead – I had some bloody media type try doing that to me once. I immediately flew backwards into a table full of drunks and landed flat on my arse. Air kissing, indeed. Who do these people think we are? The French?
But Muslim women becoming virgins again isn’t their choice, it’s their husbands’. And we all know about the raw deal women get in that faith.
best seinfeld episode: the comeback (”the ocean called – they’ve run out of shrimps” vs “the jerkstore called – they’ve run out of you” etc)
Swines – not at all! Just very interesting. Especially as the other day we were debating: pussy versus minge and the girls were well in there (as it were).
Badger – Sorry about that. I forget Piqued is the ultimate New Man – squirming on the knife point of political correctness gawn mad. Butcher ‘em, I say. Chop ‘em up and make ‘em all the same – Nazi-style. Makes no bloody difference to me if a woman’s so bloody insecure she decides to let a sawbones at her unmentionable. Whatever floats your boat in this day ‘n’ age, etc. etc.
That is a quality episode indy. Pussy versus minge eh? I’ll take pussy because minge sounds awful.
Perhaps if they re-scheduled it as Britain’s Worst Labia, I might have tuned in.
‘Cruft’ is the only acceptable word for a lady’s genitals.
By the way, we’ve already ascertained that the hymen surgery doesn’t involve any butchery – it’s the simple case of inserting a jam-filled corned-beef gumshield behind the fanny-smilers – it can be performed without anaesthetic.
And have any of them bothered to ask if men like their downstairs area? How many guys have actually been with a woman and been dissatisfied with what she had going on down there?
the one where geoge pretends to be a marine biologist. perfect.
Honestly, my favourite sitcom at the moment is Still Game. The writers understand the traditions of classic sitcom and give it a sharp edge, whilst keeping it lighthearted and uplifiting. Perfectly balanced.
None of the embarrassing University Graduate crap like Labrats. I’ve broken four TVs, stumbling into that one.
The Tombstone, I said that already did I not?
NC, I’m not a new man, I’m just partial to a bit of (attached) flap is all as opposed to the palm of my hand yeah
*saunters off*
*saunters back in*
I forgot my fags
*saunters off again*
SH: that film is already 10% downloaded. I love this modern world. my brother tells me they already have the capacity to give us 50 megabite a second broadband. Id never leave the house. I dont much as it is now.
Most new sitcoms suck, I like The Big Bang Theory though. Last good British one was Extras.
The Tombstone “Seinfeld was funny because it was about everyday things that you don’t think are funny until it’s pointed out to you. Like Peter Kay.”
is peter kay just like seinfeld point funny everyday things out or is he one of the thing you don’t think are funny until it’s pointed out to you (even though i’m still not convinced that he is funny)
piqued, you probably did. Sorry I’m new to this. I’m just dipping in and out while pretending to work.
Charlie, I heard all this mega bandwith downloading malarkey is going to collapse the internet one day, is that true?
Indy, have you a head injury?
Piqued – You are a new man, as is witnessed by the fact you’ve got into a tizz over fanny surgery (and over-analyzed it with all that patriach/religion/blah blah blah bollocks, like you usually do). Me, I don’t care. In fact, I’ve seen some vaginas that would welcome a bit of tidying up, and I don’t care who knows it. So in answer to Tombstone’s question – yes, I have ‘got down there’ and been dissatisfied with what I’ve found.
Don’t like it, do you? Eh?
Up yours!
Lee Mack writes well for ‘Not Going Out’, or whatever. Because it’s a format we’re told is dead, yet it’s actually quite funny.
Tombstone, new to reading and understanding words or this blog?
Forgive Indy’s grammar – he is a Swede.
Mingles – I’ve actually run out of decent films to ‘find’ online. Any recommendations?
when it comes to brit sit coms i prefer “the thick of it” and “peep show”. much better than “extras”.
I find Peter Kay and Seinfeld funny. Although I’m the kind of guy who laughs at pretty much anything. If you like actual jokes that you haven’t already thought of yourself then probably best to give Peter Kay a miss though.
Swineshead’s corned beef thing’s the only thing on here today that’s made the remotest bit of sense to me.
no women on the site badger? why, youd almost think the internet was just filled with men talking about womens fannies and the speed of their broadband connection. the very idea.
NC ‘I’ve seen some vaginas that would welcome a bit of tidying up’
Just hit the fast forward button
Sh – Watch The Perfet Friday.
‘The Perfet Friday’
Is it about cats?
Peep Show is the best sitcom ever I think. I was using Extras as the example because Peep Show has been around longer. Extras to me is the last good new British Sitcom. I tried to watch The Thick Of It, was kind of waiting for the jokes.
Or maybe I’m just thick.
yeah but my broadband connection’s bigger than yours. or something.
*shuffles off after piqued*
Peter Kay just rambles on about shit from the 70s. “Video recorders! What were they all about, eh? Eh? Video recorders?” Ha ha ha ha ha, etc. He’s like that Ross Noble goon with his A-Team anecdotes and banging on about Wham bars not being as big as they used to be. Rubbish.
Piqued- That would be Purrfect. Perfet is a numerical device using bounty hunters.
The Thick Of It was good. A bit of a pisser that what’s his name turned out to like ‘em young – I doubt they’ll be repeating that, or that psychiatrist show.
I actually quite like Ross Noble. There must be something me and Napoleon agree on, how do you feel about peodophiles Nap?
At least Ross Noble improvises a lot of it. Peter Kay’s just famously slow to notice tedious shit.
sergeant bilko boxed set tv series SH? most films are shite, as you know. im sure youve got all the good ones. im a big fan of the old hammer horror stuff though – curse of the crimson altar, twins of evil etc.
Yeah I love the whole ‘doing research for a film/book/play argument’. Has anyone actually seen one of these films/books/plays about kiddie fiddlin’?
yup. shame about langham. unfortunately i’ve heard rumours about an film based on the thick of it. bad news…
Favourite stand up? Any Jack Dee fans? Or a bit of Izzard?
How do I feel about paedophiles, Tombstone? Castrate the bastards! String ‘em up! ‘Ang ‘em! With piano wire! By the balls! Etc!
The best stand up I’ve ever seen live was Sean Lock. I nearly pissed m’self watching him … mainly because I was busting for a piss when I went into the theatre. He was very funny, mind.
If there’s thing that unites the world it’s peodophiles. I reckon Brown should try that when he’s getting his ass handed to him in commons by Cameron.
“But how do you feel about peodophiles, Dave?”
I’ve only ever seen Dylan Moran live in the flesh. Hilarious but about 30% of it was from his last tour that I had the DVD of.
I can’t see Cameron adding his support to the paedophile cause, Tombstone.
And to he who likes Bilko. My old man bought me the Hancock’s Halfhour boxset for Christmas and it’s the best damned sitcom I’ve seen. Would I enjoy Bilko, is it similar? Is it far removed from what Steve Martin did?
I’m still hedging my bets that Timmy Mallet’s a paedophile. It’s the glasses. All paedophiles wear glasses.
Bilko’s crap, Dave. Stick to the mighty Hancock, that’s my advice. And Steptoe and Son, which is a work of fucking genius.
I wear glasses, how old is Phil Mitchell’s son. Is it okay to fancy him yet?
very very far removed dave. comedy is very personal though. give it a shot if you get the chance, very good.
See? The glasses are the first clue. That cunt that was on the news yesterday who’d been caught with 200,000+ images on his machine? Glasses. Gary Glitter? Glasses. Jonathan King? Glasses. Chris Langham? Reading glasses, probably. Yes?
The glasses are what to look out for. That’s science, is that.
hjaving said that dave, I havent watched it for 15 years, it might be shite.
Ah ha, got one. Ian Huntley, never went to Specsavers but liked them young he did.
Dave – Ignore Charlie, it’s shit.
Ian Huntley wore contact lenses, Tombstone. The paedo’s underhanded new trick ton avoid detection. They might be wee, but they’re glasses all the same.
I just tried to watch ‘The Perfect Vagina’ online and I couldn’t get past the bit where she has the anaesthetic injected and screams in pain, then he pokes her a bit and she screams a bit more. My own vagina receded inside of me a little bit then.
Seriously, I could have the wobbliest fouf in the world and I wouldn’t subject it to that.
(I don’t, as it happens…have a wobbly one)
A woman! Hurrah! smarten up lads.
I bet she’s not wearing glasses, neither. Not so sure I like the sound of the receding vagina.
I have glasses but I don’t always wear them. Does that make me a sort of part-time paedo?
Joanne, I don’t have a mimsy but I ‘receded’ by proxy.
I’m am in contact with my feminine side you see.
Joanne – Don’t worry, love, you don’t wear glasses because you’re a woman. Your lack of glasses means you can’t be a paedo.
Maybe. Or maybe that’s what the paedos want you to think. All the while the friendly young ladies without glasses are fiddling with your children.
I’m definitely in touch with myself from time to time. I think I know what you’re all on about.
Ross Noble’s just an unfunny, pseudo-surrealist twit, isn’t he? ‘Improvised’? My arse does he improvise that shit. And if he does he should try writing, he might come up with some jokes.
I wear glasses and would love to blow Napoleon’s bastard theory out the water. I can’t think of a sing Paedo that doesn’t wear glasses thought.
I thought of that fat, simpleheaded bloke from the 80s but he was found to innocent a couple of years back.
*burns eyes out with Zippo*
I dont believe michael jackson wears glasses.
i haven’t seen him without sunglasses for years.
….Bubbles?
http://www.popmusicology.com/images/michael-jackson-waving-wearing-glasses.jpg
SH, I agree, Noble is shite
I wear glasses too, yeah
apologies swineshead. I didnt realise you had such a readily-available meticulously-catalogued jackson archive. im obviously messin with the wromg man
I don’t have that, Mingles, but I do have a google which is handy for these sorts of things…
I still see nothing to blow my all paedos wear glasses theory.
*wins*
That one that caused a big fuss when he was deported back to the UK from Australia:
http://www.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,,5946169,00.jpg
No glasses.
so the hundreds of shoe boxes under the bed with photos of jackson in them are just for research?
Roman Polanski doesn’t wear glasses. Or, at least, he didn’t when he got dem urges.
That’s a punch in the gut of your theory.
Joanne – Contact lenses – the paedo’s friend.
Dave – Contact lenses.
See?
What about Joseph from the bible?
Hang on. I wear glasses. Should I be worried?
As it happens I was having the paedo-glasses debate the other day.
I reckon it’s so they can have a more accurate leer at the kids.
Dave – Contact lenses.
Badger – As I said to Joanne, you don’t wear glasses. Wrong sex, see?
I use a monocle for certain tasks. Am I going on the list?
Mikey also wears a monocle – I’ve seen it in his profile picture.
Who – No you don’t.
Look, this is very simple. All glasses wearers are male, and all paedos wear glasses, yes? Therefore, anyone who wears glasses is a paedophile. I can’t make it any clearer than that, can I?
Swineshead – I rest my case.
Reading back over the comments: Seinfeld is awesome purely because without it, there would be no Curb Your Enthusiasm.
So… If I wear glasses then that makes me a bloke and therefore a paedo???
I’m still struggling with this. Let’s just say all men are paedos, regardless of whether or not they wear glasses = ALL MEN GO ON THE LIST
What about the Romans? They buggered boys for breakfast.
And when my dog had puppies the Jack Rusell fucked on in the face. No glasses, lenses or laser eye surgery anywhere.
Curb Your Enthusiasm is awesome. I can’t believe I went for lunch and then did some work and came back to find we’re still on sitcoms and paedos with glasses.
In response to piqued earlier I am new to blog commenting, before today I was a blog comment virgin. When I get married I will have to get my blog commenting hymen put back the way it was.
And we’ve established that Ian Huntley wore nothing to correct his vision and still enjoyed the company of children, well not enough not to kill them but you know what I mean.
Whoa, laser eye surgery, probably viewed images but did not download. Still a paedo, but different list.
How about laws against laser eye surgery for paedos, or does that infringe their human rights?
I played Ian Huntley in a play once. True story.
I know a mexican paedophile – got his glasses at Spicksavers.
I’m here all week …
Tell us more Joanne, drama/comedy? Did you get kids to play the kids, or midgets (or whatever they like to be called now)?
That was pretty good, you should warm the crowd up for Peter Kay.
thanks. I will.
*turns on flamethrower*
You’re on fire today aren’t you?
I’m no longer top of the list. YEEAAAHHHH!!!!11!!
*Mingles edges way assuredly up the Most Racist list*
List?
Dave – I assure you you’re still sitting not-so-pretty at the summit.
Oh I see. What do you win for being the most racist?
The shame of being at the top of the list is all you win, and Dave looks to be set to claim gold.
I’m not top of the list.
Readers of WWM! Save Dog With Tits!
So can you pretty much review anything on telly you like and send it in and if it’s good enough you guys post it yeah?
To be fair if you want to bandy around a picture of dogs with tits you should use your own dog.
That’s how it works – but it better be good and you’d best not be sensitive if we poo poo it. Because we literally poo poo things. With all shit and poo and shit.
Tombstone – Read the submissions page – right hand margin on front page.
Mingles’ comment wasn’t racist, it was xenophobic. Unless Spaniards and the ancestors of Spaniards are now a different race from us … which they’re not.
No one’s answered. Assuming I’m a paedo. Off to local primary school now…
I’ll bear that it mind, any required article length (minimum or maximum words) or deadline from show being on telly to article being posted.
Ignore that last comment I’ll read the thing.
Badger – I’ve already told you you don’t wear glasses. Why does nobody listen to me?
Save Dog With Tits!
Napoleon, did you just say ‘Spaniards’?
*pushes Napoleon further up the list*
(It’s ok for me to have just said it as it’s in inverted commas)
Hispanics, aren’t they?
Make it as recent as possible tombstone – and either do a two paragraph (or so) One Minute Review or the same sort of length as those that’re already up.
You can’t win at this game. Not when Swineshead keeps changing the fucking rules.
Id love to help napoleon, but my campaign to save the local endangered cock-ring foxes, takes up most of my valuable work in the voluntary sector.
Please save these beautiful noble creatures …
Aha Napoleon – coming from the king of ever-changing rules, that’s a good laugh.
Right I now know everything I need to know about submitting an article.
Oh except for how do I submit it, where do you send it?
Do I get a nifty link to my Myspace music page if I get enough article published?
Charlie – And have your damned cock foxes been threatened with extinction by a miserable git who wants to protect the integrity of a fucking holiday snap? Have they arse, I’ll wager. My Dog With Tits faces the axe unless I can get him out there to run free among the burrows and hedgrows of the Information Superhighway. Imagine it – a world run by Nazis where dogs with tits are put down to preserve the sanctity of supposedly copyrighted images! Pah! It doesn’t bear bloody thinking about.
Save that fucking Dog With Tits!
Great! My bloody comment’s awaiting moderation because I stuck links in it. This site stinks.
STINKS!
Napoleon, if I don’t wear glasses then what the feck are these plastic wanker-media glasses-shaped things on the front of me face, eh? Will only save Dog With Tits if you clear this up for me…
(I occasionally wear contacts).
I’m writing a review for George Clunes: A Man and His Dog.
If it doesn’t get posted there’ll be hell to pay because the only thing I love more than dogs is George Clunes wtalking about dogs on ITV.
Badger – For the sake of Dog With Tits, I’ll concede they’re wanky media glasses (rectangular, black-framed, yes? gah!) on your face. This fucks my theory right up its own arse. You understand this, woman?
Martin Clunes. I was getting him mixed up with the guy from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
Dave – Have these dogs got tits?
I love him in Doc martin, grumpy grumpy fun.
Martin Clunes talking about dogs. That’s what Britain’s first independent channel has become.
I’m going to write a review but change my name to Tombstone so it slips in.
Random inbred village dweller : Doc can I have a word
Doc Martin : No
For about 6 serieses, ha ha awesome.
Does this mean you want me to be the face of your racist reviews?
“The holocaust, what a chuckle” by Da_ The Tombstone.
Anyone remember One Foot In The Grave? “I don’t belieeeeeeeeve it!” he used to shout when something went wrong! Ho ho! They don’t make them like that any more.
Is it time for my bath yet?
No, I’ll just carry along your prejudices against the innocent, unfortunate children who are the fruits of incest.
You needed one on saturday
One Foot In The Grave was awesome.
“Bloody kids running around like they own the bloody shop!”
Cue exasperated look from his exasperated wife.
They should have called it Daily Mail – the sitcom.
(my last comment was for NC but Dave rudely interrupted, as usual)
Piqued – That was Right Guard Sport, as well you fucking know. Anyway, you ended up with a shitty pizza and a two hour wait for a taxi, so I’ve already won this particular round.
You arse-headed ponce.
Sorry, shall we all take ticket numbers, you grumpy bugger?
So does everyone here like know each other in real life and stuff?
God I’ve been watching The Hills too much.
Ignore him, Dave, he’s nothing. A half-dead monkey man with only his lies for company. You say what you like … until you fuck it all up by having a go at the foreigns.
Tombstone – No. I’ve never met any of these people except some of them. We’re all strangers apart from the ones that aren’t.
Yes, that sounds about right.
yes. im the handsome scottish one. SH is the cute little cheeky northern one who might be gay. dave is …im not sure what dave is. And napleon is the fat gay manager who’s trying to shag us.
So what’s tommorow’s article going to be about then? I missed Dragon’s Den is anyone writing about that?
I don’t know what the hell I am to these people. Or why I comment.
It’s a compulsive tendency I’ve long stopped finding pleasurable.
Take this comment. Useless. Contains nothing of any interest to anybody but yet their it is in the WWM comments section.
I’d ban me.
NC, Right Guard Sport = Taking A Bath.
Eh?
Taking A Bath means hot water, soap and bloody good scrub. I think that’s where you’ve been going wrong…
If I’m wrong I’m sorry
I didn’t need a bath, you fat shithouse. I assumed you meant there was a smell off of me on Saturday, even though there fucking-well wasn’t, you cheeky bastard. Hence my Right Guard Sport comment – see? Idiot. Fat idiot. Fat bald old idiot.
Baths suck, showers are where it’s at.
thats right – dave writes the lyrics.
See how I don’t rise to the fat/bald nonsense, not being either
See how you rise to B.O. See how you do, see, watch it, look
Look
:-0
I got that Lynx with that guy with the weird eyes, it really works. It’s 4 o’clock and I don’t smell like shit. Just Lynx, wank and despair.
I use Imperial Leather body spray. Doesn’t smell of shit like Lynx, smells of soap, and keeps a man fresh all day.
Lynx is for kids, Imperial for pensioners. I’ll go with the wisdom age gifts society.
You’re a bloody liar, mind. That’s been conclusively proved over at your second rate site. Ha ha!
Lynx does appeal to children. That’s why I wear it, did I mention I wear glasses?
Dave – You want to get a can of Right Guard Sport. Obviously using it in your case would be fraud, but I’m sure you could live with that for the 24 hour protection it’ll give those flabby armpits of yours.
It’s hasn’t, it bloody hasn’t. You weren’t there, man, you weren’t in ‘Nam
Are they paying you every time you mention Right Guard Sport or something?
Other all day protection body sprays are available.
Actually, my arms are surrounded by no fat at all. I have the physique of a snowman.
Sure and Right Guard are great brands but it’s Imperial Leather that smells of soap. Soap is the smell I associate with a clean pit.
If I wanted to smell of chocolate I’d tape a Twix to my pit. If I wanted to smell of Africa…Best not go there…
So Edna and Clair’s claims that you came third in your quiz are lies, are they? Your friends are liars – is that what you’re saying? With that attitude, I’m surprised you have any left.
Face it, you’ve claimed to be cleverer than you are, and you’ve been caught out. You’re a shammer, Piqued. A carpetbagger.
Dave – Right Guard Sport gives off the whiff of achievement. It makes a man smell like he’s worked at his physique – not got there by cheating (see: Piqued, off of the internet).
By the sounds of the things you’ve been saying it’s definitely best you don’t to Africa. I hear there’s 1,000,000,000,000 Zimbabwe dollars (12p) on your head.
I forgot to say you’re a fat, sweaty failure, Dave.
Woo hoo half an hour left at ‘work’ then it’s off home to watch Michaela’s Zoo Babies and Hollyoakes.
Thingy’s on tonight.
Don’t forget that.
That wasn’t fair, Napoleon. But it was accurate.
The Devil and Daniel Johnson on More 4 tonight, make sure you all tune in
I thought it was reasonably fair, Dave.
There is nothing on on Tuesdays now Doc Martin’s finished and the F Word, I love that. Is Dragon’s Den repeated tonight?
Piqued – I reckon I’ll give that a miss. You’ve proved yourself an untrustworthy character today, and I for one am not prepared to watch anything on the recommendation of a proven deceiver.
I don’t think it’s fair to mock a man for his failure at life. I’m on anti-depressants have considered suicided twelve time today and cut my little toe with novelty drawing pins because it’s the only way I can feel anything, ANYTHING at all, my soul’s become so numb. I’m on the edge and yet you mock me.
I reckon that’s unfair.
Visit my blog at-
goodbyetoalldave.wordpress.com
What is The Devil and Daniel Johnson anyway, and why is it must see TV? Will you be reviewing it?
Tombstone – You could always switch off your television set and go out and do something less boring instead?
Either that or wank?
The Devil and Daniel Johnson on More 4 tonight, make sure you all tune in
You’re trying to pick up some kudos by association there, Piqued. I can see right through you and your pub quiz cheatery claims.
The Devil and Daniel Johnson is a documentary about the bloke in the title (who isn’t the Devil, the other one) and it’s old so if you were interested you’d have seen it ages ago.
I think what Piqued meant to say was ‘I’m a fan of once-obscure schizophrenic genius, Daniel Johnson. Please love me’.
Alright Nap I do have a life and do other stuff, I was just under the impression that this was a television discussion site you cunt. You don’t get “don’t you have a life other than ponies” on the My Little Pony discussion board. I’m just lamenting the loss of two of my favourite shows Doc Martin and The F Word and enquiring whether Dragon’s Den was on today as I was out yesterday, bitch.
Dave – I feel your pain. I’ve eaten nothing but butter for the last twenty years, and now I need the unswerving admiration of other butter addicts to get me off the butter and reclaim my life. Indeed, I write about this in my latest post – I’ve Started Shitting Butter Now – on my ponderous weight loss site, cheersandthanksforalltheflabber.cobblers.
Please, don’t leave negative comments on my site as I’m a butter-fuelled Nazi who does not tolerate dissent.
It’ll pain him to know I’ve already watched it. All he does is cry and scream in trendy NY bars, almost beats his suffering girlfriend, talks about how, when his mother had cancer, all he could do was moan to her about his failing career, and calling other artists shit.
It’s funny when he pays an actor to pretend to have painted some of his work though. A critic takes one look at the art the goes, ‘can I recommend you a 1980s artist called Danile Johnson’. Shows critics aren’t as stupid as we’d like to think.
It’s good.
The F Word’s intolerable shit, Tombstone.
Tombstone – Clearly you’re not old enough to remember the opening monologue of popular 70s & 80s kid’s TV show, ‘Why Don’t You?’? If so, you’d know my comment …
“You could always switch off your television set and go out and do something less boring instead?”
… was meant to be *FUN!*
You miserable fucking cunt.
You’ve lost me there, Dave.
It’s awesome, I love his voiceover when he’s cooking. CHOP! BERRIES! WHISK! and he was hunting puffins, little bastards.
SH – The Devil and Daniel Johnson.
I was born in 1985, I do vaguely remember Why Don’t You but not as well as you. I apologise for the misunderstanding, I’m very defensive, cunt.
Tombstone – Apology accepted.
*pretends to accept apology*
*writes Tombstone’s name down*
Napoleon, sorry for the long reply, yes they’re square)ish) and very dark brown on’t bottom and see thru purple on’t top.
Ergo, I’m a man, ergo a peado.
So I can’t stick yer titty dog on my blog – too busy scouting for girls. And boys.
Oooooh Why don’t you! I remember that! Excellent show, why did they stop making it?
I’m gonna start a blog called ‘three pound review’ which’ll have nothing but reviews of movies can can get for, you guessed it, three pounds.
I’ll be watching ‘Clash of the Titans’ tonight, and I watched ‘Planet of the Apes’ last week. That’s six pounds of cinema magic, for six pounds!
How old are you, BM? Are you fertile? If you’re fertile it doesn’t count.
Badger – Then you’re a fat, old twat. No offence, like, but I’m calling anyone who refuses to help me in my campaign to save Dog with Tits a fat, old twat. Even the girls. You fat, old twat.
Dave – That’s a rubbish idea. £4 gets you a much better class of film. For £4, you can get Die Hard With A Vengeance – far superior fodder than Clash of the Titans or that shit-stain, Planet of the Apes.
Clash of the Titans is one of the best films ever made – it’s worth more than £3. Are you sure you didn’t shoplift it, Dave? You ruddy thief.
I’m not going to rise to that bullshit remark, Perry.
And they’re making three more Die Hard films, all signed for. Says a lot about the type that want to part an extra pound for an inferior movie if there’s still an audience for a bald, old bastard flopping about on coach roofs.
HMV, Swineshead. Which is why my blog’ll be a service to gentleman like you and not cunts like Perry who want to watch the star of moonlighting acting like a racist in a hip, American ‘ironic’ fashion.
SH what the fuck is the frida? been bothering me for weeks that.
Swineshead – Clash of the Titans is a big pile of shit.
Dave – Fuck you, you spotty little bag of wet plaster. There’s fuck all wrong with Die Hard movies, fuck all. The only thing that’s wrong with them is the second one’s shit and the fourth one slips from your memory the instant it’s finished. Apart from that, there’s fuck all wrong with Die Hard movies, fuck all. Except the first one’s looking a bit ropey now, and Jeremy Irons is laughable in the third one. That aside, there’s fuck all wrong with these films, fuck all. FUCK ALL.
I for one will be boycotting this new site of yours for the two weeks it’s in existence. AND you haven’t a rat’s chance in hell of getting a girlfriend.
And before I go, praise to Charliemingles because this was a fantastic review.
Farewell.
Twit.
You fucking bastard, cocksucking heap of old-timer bastard, dribbling, Crayola eating, scribbler bastard fuck.
They say racism’s a cancer, and looking at Jade Goodie they’re right (copright Dave).
Dave – Twit.
Dave – Heard that cancer one already today (NOT copyright the monumentally untalented Dave – one of life’s also-rans).
And you’re a pace-setter in what field, Perry? You Poptart eating spectre of shit.
Sorry – The Frida is an aborted Friday Question…
I think, Dave, that when we come come to the end of our lives and they look at our respective achievements, I will attain a higher position on life’s little scoreboard than you. Unless you get extra marks for wanking in the dark, collecting Battlestar Galactica DVD box sets, being a racist, watching endless repeats of Doctor Who and being hideous to behold, o’course. If that’s the case, I bow down to your superiority in the field of human achievement.
(You can’t win this, I won’t let you.)
You’re confusing being comparatively good compared to me (a feit 90 percent of the world can share) with being in anyway a mark on ‘life’s little scoreboard. I guess you’re also a pretty good illustrator in comparison to a wilting cabbage, a better writer than a frozen pea with Aspergers.
Pat yourself on the back for those achievements, little champ.
And you’re a homophobic.
You asked me this:
“And you’re a pace-setter in what field, Perry? You Poptart eating spectre of shit.”
In response to this:
“Dave – one of life’s also-rans.”
Doesn’t that suggest you’re inviting comparison?
Alright, I know it’s ridiculous to compare a man such as myself – the champ, as you say – to a ghastly little Ronald McDonald impersonator such as you, but what can I do when I took that to be the purpose of your question? Perhaps you should make it clearer in your next piece of ranting gobbledygook how you would like me to answer in the future?
You twit.
Oh, and I’m not a homophobic. I happen to have met hundreds of gay people (probably), and I’ve no doubt treated them with the same level of disrespect I’ve treated their heterosexual brothers ‘n’ sisters. I’m an equal opportunities offender, and I’m happy to rub anyone up the wrong way be they gay, straight or one of them bit of both people.
Twit.
And that’s why I like sparring with you. I’ll never win, but it entertains the shit out of me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kN8iIfpt0k0&feature=related
That links for SH, cos I’ve come back from an event and I’m drunk.
Is it okay if I write an article about the Tonightly show? And how do I submit it when I do?
‘Ere, we should get Perry and Dave together with some strong alcohol. I’d watch.
Submit it? My way of doing it is to email Napoleon and then get no reply for ages.
There’s that submissions page – link on the front page.
That might help.
And the email address on the front page might help too.
DUH.
I may be REALLY thick but all I can see is a submissions guidlines page and I see no email address.
Oh is it that wwmcontact one?
That’s the bunny, Mr Tombstone.
Righty ho, I’ll send it in after work. Feel free to tell me it’s shit and to fuck off and kill myself. I’ve never done TV review article writing types things before, normally do fiction and stuff.
JQW – I have a feeling there is no alcohol that’d be strong enough to get Ben ‘together with’ Dave.
I’d murder the bugger.
Rohypnol and a Cherry Brandy would though.
Who’s this Ben chap?
Rohypnol and Cherry Brandy, reminds me of my father.
Incest in the morning…
I’ve got the perfect vagina but you can only see it on the occasional fridays
well ilike the site and keep up the good work