Some regular television faces fall from grace spectacularly – such as psychosexual risk-taking John Leslie. We all know why he’s no longer on the box. Frank Bough (lovable breakfast sex-slave that he was) also found the TV work was slipping away all those years ago when his gimp mask was uncovered, whilst the likes of Theakston and Deayton somehow survived getting caught with their cocks out.
But what about those we drew into our hearts only to have them disappear, never to return? Napoleon tells me he misses John Stapleton and his hideous wife, Lynne Folds-Wood. Personally I miss Maggie Philbin who, depressed at the loss of the brilliant Keith Chegwin to alcoholic shamanism, vanished in a puff of obscurity all those years ago.
Who do you miss then? Who do you find yourself asking of the heavens:
Where are they now?
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As well as John Stapleton and his hideous wife Lynee Folds-Wood, I wonder where Noel Edmonds prodigy Mike Smith disappeared off to. Local radio? Satellite telly? WHERE THE FUCK’S MIKE SMITH?
AND JUDITH HAN?
Lynne, not Lynee. Pah!
John Stapleton is on GMTV quite a lot, should your missing of him need to be sated.
I want to know what happened to that BASTARD, Wincey Willis.
The only time I ever see Wincey Willis is on repeats of An Audience With Billy Connolly on UKTV Gold. Actually, those Audience With … shows are a bloody gold mine for ’stars’ who have disappeared into obscurity – a bit like the Band Aid video where half of the biggest stars of the 1980s are now completely unrecognizable.
Wenchy – Is he? Well I’ll be. Does he still look likes he’s got terminal cancer? And where’s his awful Scotch wife?
Is Lynne Folding Woods now Gillian McKeith? Is that how it works?
I don’t think so. Now there’s a woman who I wish was a ‘where are they now?’ candidate. Bloody awful harridan.
The very definition of ‘harridan’. Pseudo-science spouting hypocrite, she is. If I saw her in the street and she’d fallen over and got her leg jammed in a manhole, I’d probably wee on her.
The singing vicar that presented Fortean TV was a twinkling star in the C4 line-up.
Maggie’s now advertising baths for the elderly. Which is the career path for everyone who used to be on telly. Good God, Parky’s in TV Quick advertising financial products for the nearly dead every week….
Oh, I remember him. He was weird. Nigel something or other? One in a long line of eclesiastical TV presenters that included Sister Wendy and Canon Roger Royal.
Edna – Those over 50+ pay for your funeral ads have trapped Parky now.
I’m pissed off that America has stolen the Scotch Craig Ferguson. He’s one thousand times the presenter Woss is. A witty, warm presenter we shouldn’t have bloody exported.
Oh Christ – Sister Wendy… why did you have to mention her?
I’m covered in mucus now.
I would of, even with them teeth.
And that old Yorkshire woman who became briefly popular in the early 90s. Hannah something – lived on the moors and had no electricity or gas or toilet. Whatever happened to her, eh?
Dead, that’s what.
Maureen off Driving School – what about her. She was weird-looking and ( get this… ) she couldn’t drive!
Genius. Wonder where she is?
Another one I never expected to disappear was Derek Griffith (s). Is he dead? Or in prison?
Griffith (s) was in that terrible Fish Called Wanda sequel, I believe.
She did that horrible Five reality show ‘The Mansion’, or something like that. She was treated like reality TV royalty. Which reminds me, some woman I’d never heard of before who was the first reality TV star in the 70s died, I think. Is that interesting?
Fred Dibnah’s become a lazy bastard recently.
I thought it was a canny move on behalf of one of those Simon Cowell types to release a single of Maureen singing ‘Driving In My Car’. They must have been rolling in it when the song rocketed up the charts to fiftieth place.
Indeed, so confident were record producers that reality TV stars were the way forward for the music industry, they rushed to sign up Handy Andy Crane and his sensitive raggae version of ‘If I ‘Ad An ‘Ammer’ – raking in the cash when the single failed to chart.
Fierce Creatures? The very definition of the phrase ‘lightning doesn’t strike in the same place twice’. I wasted money going to see that at the cinema, and the realisation soon dawned that my childhood hero John Cleese was officially not funny any more.
A Fish Called Wanda’s one of my all time favourites, and the second one was crap, and I went to see it at the cinemas as a kid.
And I made the mistake of getting a rubbish Monty Python boxset that has ‘exclusive new Cleese material’. Not only does he look like he’s about to suffer a stroke, his shtick involves sitting next to a pool and moaning about the weather.
Which box set was this? The telly shows?
I’d like to know what happened to that Gary Glitter bloke from the 70’s
Maggie Philbin. Sad eyes. Didn’t Cheggars beat her up when he was all pissed without his clothes on?
The best of, where each member has their own DVD. I should have seen it coming really.
sharon osbourne
Osbourne? She’s more ‘thank God she’s gone’ than ‘where is she now’.
Good riddance to the patronising cow.
Monty Python’s Personal Best? They saw you coming. Five old men banging on about how England’s too stuffy and old fashioned, as if this is still 1965. And the shows aren’t holding up too well any more neither. Thankfully it’s a different story for the films.
She’s gone over to Simon Cowell’s America’s Got Talent after her much publicised spat with Simon Cowell that caused her to leave Simon Cowell’s X-Factor.
I don’t know why i did it. There’s an invention called YouTube that allows you to watch that stuff for free.
The films are far better.
Who is this Simon Cowell of who you speak?
michael palin… probably tibet, the chicken itza or another place that is exotic yet familiar.
All the Broomcupboard lot (except Ani Peters), the folk off Motormouth and Saturday morning telly… Anneka Rice and the other one that took over from her… Ummm… Timmy Mallet…
sh: Who is this Simon Cowell of who you speak?
see my last reply on blogpost about the dog with tits.
It’s the reason why you can justify stealing stuff off the internet, in my opinion. Python releases exactly the same material they’ve released umpteen times before on vinyl, 8-track, CD, tape, VHS, Beta, Laser Disc, Mini-Disc and DVD, and then tires to justify it by adding ‘new bonus material’ that amounts to five old men waffling about Harold Macmillan and a society that still wore bowler hats to work. I reckon I’ve paid enough money for Python now, so I’ll watch these new bits off a torrent or on YouTube.
Jonathan King, Chris Langham, where r they nows????????????
They did a new Challenge Anneka recently, didn’t they? I do wonder what happened to Andy Crane, now you mention it, Badger. Dead? Homeless? Sex Offenders Register?
piqued: doing research?
Piqued’s game today is …
Mentioning paedophiles! Who next? Him off the Bay City Rollers?
Hmmm, I love the net. Andy Crane is a newsreader for Manchester now:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Andy_Crane
Are you sure that’s not been added by Andy Crane? It is the notoriously unreliable Wikipedia, after all.
Unreliable? Pish.
I built my car from SCRATCH using information gleaned from wikipedia and haven’t had a single bit of trouble.
*crashes car into schoolchildren*
Surely if it were a lie they’d say he’d be doing sommit better than a tiny channel in Mancs?
http://www.aidan.co.uk/data_sheetPplAndyCrane7216.jpg.htm
http://www.channelm.co.uk/programmes/index/0/3/channel_m_news.html
And you doubted me, Napoleon!
When you’re Andy Crane, anything’s better than northing. People are less likely to question these claims if they’re small-fry.
And I still reckon John Leslie’s a rapist despite being found not guilty twice. There, I’ve said it.
That means nothing to me, Badger. I don’t trust the internet. I need hard copy evidence, and until I get it he’s a tramp.
Channel M is a brilliant channel, I thank you. They broadcast from the mighty URBIS building, and do loads to help Manchester culture. Frank Sidebottom even has a show there. Frank Sidebottom!
How rude you outsiders can be.
Never got Frank Sidebottom. Pointless man with an awful voice wearing a stupid helmet. Not funny now, not funny in the 90s.
Aaaaand, cue Swineshead …
I am a Frank Sidebottom fan. The man’s a bewildering genius.
Exciting news time, we are publishing in less than an hour.
*jiggles leg*
1944 owes much to Sidebottom, you hypocritical WAZZOCK.
No it doesn’t, Dave. I have very little memory of Frank Sidebottom other than his idot voice, his stupid mask and groaning at him and not finding him funny when I was 16. Believe it or not, people are capable of coming up with their own fucking stuff without first referencing someone else, Dave.
I wouldn’t go that far, Dave. It may sound similar at points but it doesn’t ‘owe’ anything to it. You’re making out Sidebottom’s an influential artist as opposed to a little heard of but amusing man in a papier mache hat.
There you go. I only knew him because of Swineshead and his brother, and his occasional appearances on stuff like The Word.
All I’m saying is Perry STOLE from a great Manchester artist and is trying to pass it off as his own work. His supposed hatred of the man only supports my claim. The more denies it the more obvious his plagiaristic approach to his blog becomes.
I still miss Christopher Price all these years later – only he could have made Eurovision bearable again. I still smile at his comment about Liz Hurley saying she spoke like she always had plums in her mouth.
Oh, and my sister works as a child looky after person in a playgroup – one the kids there is… Andy Crane’s. So he definitely still exists.
Up yours!
mtv vj ray cokes, anyone? the guy that used to be one inch from the camera lense.
The kid may be his, but that doesn’t mean he’s not in the gutter. He could have visiting rights or something.
John Leslie – No smoke without fire.
No smoke without fire?
Tell that to poor old professional stalker Barry George.
All people who used to be on the telly are sitting around, doing drugs, googling themselves, updating their wikipedias, going down their local pubs hoping someone will ask for their autographs and waiting for “Celebrity(insert occupation)” to call. It’s a sad life but one they deserve for daring to try and entertain people.
I still harbour suspicions about Barry George. No smoke without fire.
Barry George is a creepy stalker who has past convictions for attempted rape (what kind of loser can’t even rape someone, no wonder he’s such a sad loner). So regardless of whether he shot her or not he should still be locked away for our protection.
attempted rape = attention seeker?
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to rape anyone, Tombstone.
You would be able to, you wouldn’t want to. None of us here would ever try to rape anyone, but the fact that he tried to and failed is what makes him a loser.
I’d have given it a go if I’d been a Viking, I reckon. I recall raping was one of the three great pillars of a Viking’s mandate along with looting and pillaging. I like to think I would have been gracious enough to learn the lady’s name before I set about her, mind. Just because you’re an invading barbarian, that’s no excuse to be uncivilised about these sort of things.
Yeah it was the done thing for the Vikings. They did it properly as well, none of this slipping stuff into the drink and screwing her lifeless body until you come and cry. They did all the proper staring into her tearful eyes business. Of course no place for that sort thing in today’s society.
no slander of my proud norse ancestors, thank you very much.
Surely not all of ‘em were up to that sort of business though? There must have been some liberal, Guardian-reading Vikings who saw looting, raping and pillaging as the sort of old-fashioned thing Bernard Manning and Jim Davidson advocated in the 70s (the 870s)?
we have gotten a better (”weaker”), i must admit. nowadays we always bring white wine, shrimps and condoms to the places we pillage. the original stay-at-home-viking is icelandic snorre sturlason, who stayed home writing the edda when all his homies went berserk (literally)
23 minutes now…
Like that bloke in the Monty Python type thing about the Vikings?
Erik The Viking I think it was, load of tosh the comic’s well better.
23? Blimey.
Indy – All the Scandinavians I’ve met have been thoroughly nice folk who wouldn’t rape, pillage or loot a thing. Mind you, I wouldn’t fancy Britain’s chances if any of ‘em ever sobered up. More pissed than the Poles, your Scandinavians – and that’s saying something.
The comic? It was a childrens’ book, Tombstone.
Mark Speight. I used to watch Smart now and again because I loved that man. I know it’s only been a few months, but I still miss him bad.
My sister and a friend are going on holiday to Finland, they were going to slum it in hostels but then I showed her Hostel 1 & 2 so they’re going to be spending more on accommodation (how the fuck do you spell that?) now.
I have a friend from Finland. He’s never raped or looted anything of note.
But there was sex and swearing in it weren’t there?
What’s the difference between a tramp and Mark Speight? One hangs around train stations and stinks and the other is a tramp.
I thought the hostel of Hostel 1 & 2 were in Slovakia? The only thing they need to worry about in Finalnd is the entire contents of their bank accounts disappearing when they order half a lager.
Yes but now my sister is scared of all hostels, and the whole of Europe, and everything and everyone.
She shouldn’t be scared of Europe. Well … not most of Europe anyway. I’d probably give Georgia a miss for a start.
My brother was going to get on a plane until I showed him ‘Snakes on a plane.’ He said to me, ‘Stuart, that’s the fucking stupidest film I’ve ever seen in my life.’
I wouldn’t say it’s the stupidest film ever made, though. There’s one I vaguely recall from the 70s (?) about a fridge that ate people. And it could have been Swineshead or one of his siblings that showed me a bizarre film about a rug wot killed people.
See? There’s always something stupider.
I don’t think they’d be old enough to buy lager in Finland, the being alive and fit to travel. Just a children’s portion of Finlandia, I fear.
Another piece of writing for the ages from literary colossus Dave there.
I’m several generation ahead of my time, unlike you that copies from old shit and pass it off as your own. Your children’s, children’s, children will get and, and build monuments to me. Monuments.
Yeah Snakes on a Plane really sucked, and not even in a ‘this is supposed to kind of suck so it’s funny way’ it just plane (geddit) sucked. I’ve never flown and hopefully never will. My sister is very easily freaked out and of a very nervous disposition. I did advise that the Hostels probably weren’t the films for her.
Anyone see The Nostril Picker, or Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy, now they were some stupid ass films. Both awesome though.
A fridge that ate people? Isn’t that Reqium for a dream?
(boom boom)
Ho ho! No, I think it was called ‘The Fridge’ or ‘The Refrigerator’ or something. Another stupid one I remember from the video nasty era was Microwave Massacre – that was a barrel of fucking laffs.
came back from finland on sunday actually. have been to laponia. language exercise: “megapussi” means big bag in finnish.
Anything with Massacre in the title is bound to be good. Slumber Party Massacre, Drive In Massacre etc.
I’m not sure about that, Tombstone. If asked to describe Microwave Massacre, ‘good’ wouldn’t be a word that would instantly spring to mind. That said, I was only about eight when I was forced to watch it by my uncle, so I could be wrong.
Thinking about it, if you forced an eight year old to watch a film like Microwave Massacre now, it’d be considered child abuse. In my day it was just my uncle making me watch an ‘orrible video nasty against my will on pain of monkey scrubs and chinese burns. Never did me any ‘arm, etc.
That’s nothing my Dad used to show me videos of him shagging my mum. “One day son, that will be you.” He’d say with a tear in his eye.
Tromeo and Juliet, or anything by Troma is where I seek weirdness.
Builds character in a boy. That’s what my father used to say to me as he was belting seven bells out of me for some minor childhood misdemeanour.
I love Troma films, Cannibal The Musical! is my favourite film of all time.
Troma make formulaic rubbish, Dave. I say that as a horror film buff.
I Bought A Vampire Motorbike (or cycle, can’t remember which) was fantastic and starred Neil Morrissey, if memory serves – Dave’s favourite.
Define ‘minor’, you may have had it coming.
I reckon you could offer me a fair list of decent horrors, SH. I’m not well ventured when it comes to film.
What was formulaic about Terror Firmer?
Anything by Troma, anything with Massacre in the title and anything with Koreans or Belgians or the French = good times.
Or the French? Not seen the Asterix movies then?
The French, indeed!
I mean French horrors like Satan and all that. Never saw the live action Asterix, but the cartoons rocked my little socks. It taught me that I could do anything with performance enhancing drugs.
Oh, fair enough. I’d avoid the live action Asterix films like the bloody plague if I were you.
The only French movies I’ve seen are about people on bikes shouting ‘papa’ and kissing each other to fragmented sounds of women screaming.
And you can’t beat them Dave.