This week Jonathan Ross’s megastar guest is world-famous Cheryl Cole – the extraordinarily untalented Girls Aloud singer and charm-free co-sneerer on The Fucking X Factor.
By Christ – looking at some of the quotes it looks like Cheryl’s coming out with some really incisive stuff – we’re talking content that has never even been considered by a human mind before - let’s take a look. And please, if this just seems like gobbledegook, please don’t feel inadequate. We are looking at some pretty dangerous material here in terms of cutting edge topical observation.
“There’s no such thing as a private life in this industry. I spoke openly about my marriage in the past and it’s come back to hit me in the face… I learnt from the past that you shouldn’t do that.”
“There’s something about celebrities having a perfect life. People need to relax and realise we’re human, too.”
“All the tabloids have to fill their pages [even] when we’re not doing anything, it just rolls on.”
How very stoic. It’s amazing she can cope with all the publicity she gets when she and her money-grabbing bumfaced husband do absolutely nothing to court it.
I can tell you this: I’ll be tuning in, along with the rest of the nation, eager to focus on the complex nuggets of wisdom this intellectual powerhouse spouts from her stunning face whilst Jonathan Arse looks on wistfully, considering how much of our license fee he’d pay to have a go on her.
87 Comments
Perhaps she’ll have some bonkers “orbs” theories to share?
‘Bonkers’?
How dare you – Cheryl’s not a cosmic mentalist. She’s an ideas merchant – she deals in inspiration. And anyone who says she is a charmless annoyance is incorrect.
I enjoyed the segment earlier on where she had to reject (again) some no hoper that did’t make the grade on the show that bought her to fame(?)
“I can’t do this” she blubbed.
Talentless twat.
She may provide her cructh for the needy so I’ll say no more….
Cructch?
Of course I meant snatch…..
Someone’s a bitter gooner!
I assure you, this has nothing to do with my beloved Arsenal. Honest.
I could understand if it was, I still get that knot in the pit of my stomach when I see Andy Kirk running around in a Yeovil shirt.
Pires was interviewed on Sky Sports just before the Man U k/o last night.
Good old Pires. Forever in his debt (let’s brush over the dive at Portsmouth for the sake of nostalgia).
And brush over this, too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMJr3xo8-AU
To be fair to Girls Aloud, they did write the best anal sex themed pop song.
What’s the song?
And did they write it? I’d be surprised if they could write their own names.
The best anal sex themed song is below (apologies for rubbish video)
http://www.last.fm/music/Frank+Zappa/+videos/+1-PPVZhSJr4bM
Is there a second best?
‘Is there a second best?’
Yes: Cliff Richard, any hole’s a goal.
I love Cheryl. Love her – I have such a huge lady crush on her, she is just stunning.
Her husband, on the other hand, is a complete and utter cunt.
Cheryl’s a pooface. Sorry to crush your dreams, but she’s a hard-faced bastard.
Sorry, the song is ‘something kind of oooh’.
Ah – I know the tune. It sucks balls.
We all know she’s in the band because she has a face you want to rub your gibbins on. There isn’t a debate beyond that.
‘Gibbins’
That’s disgusting.
Now I’ve got that fucking tune going round my mind.
Something kind of OOOH
Sticking out my POOP CHUTE
You’re not against the license fee are you, SH?
Much like Wenchy, I really like Cheryl. And hate her whiny cunt of a husband.
What’s Ashley done that’s so bad?
The contract moaning in his autobiography was disgraceful, Ugeine.
I’m all for the licence fee, Nick.
Cheryl – what’s to like? She is literally just a pretty face.
I agree with this explanation…
http://gunnerblog.com/?p=393
Ashley:
Played for both Arsenal and Chelsea. Which makes him scum x2.
He cheated on Cheryl who, let’s face it, is fit as fuck. Scum x3
He’s a nasty dirty little player with a habit of throwing temper tantrums. Scum x4
I think what Wenchy and Joanne are saying is that they would like to see Wayne Bridge given a run in the first team in the left back position. I would agree, but consider the idea that Scolari is developing the Brazilian style of overlapping fullbacks and perhaps Cole might be the better choice. However on the other flank the new signing Boswinga seems to be mastering the style required for this style of play, and we may be seeing the best and most exciting right back the Premiership has seen to date. If Cole can develop his play to this level on the left, then his best years may be in front of him.
Sagna is the best right back in the prem, Mikey – that’s obvious.
I think what Mikey is trying to say is that just because we’re girls we know nothing about football. An assumption in which he is sadly mistaken. Well, on my part anyway.
No need to be defensive, I’m sure he just wanted to share a bit of his insight – he knows his onions after all.
Wayne Bridge is shit, mind you.
Who do you support then, Joanne?
I know nothing about fooball nor do I want to..
I thought Eboue looked very good in the position, but Wenger seems to have moved him to midfield in recent times.
Eboue’s a squad player through and through. I’ve not known an Arsenal player before Eboue who so many fans actively dislike. He does dive and get fighty far too often.
United are better than Arsenal.
Marisa Tomei is better looking than Gillian Anderson.
Bitch.
Aaah, the autobiography. That explains why there’s a lot of aminosity towards him. I wondered if it purely because of the Chelsea move and the cheating thing (which are hardly exclusive in football).
Oh, and United are due for their three years of medicority now.
Whilst the gooners were having their harrowing divorce with Cashley, don’t forget that at Stamford Bridge we were having difficulties with our beloved William. When the divorce settlement came through I think the gooners did better. But Ashley’s with us, Williams with you and we must progress!
Even if United go mediocre again (which isn’t due by any logic other than a Gooners) Manchester will still be winning the league via City. So, either way. Manchester is the centre of the footballing world. Deal with it.
don’t forget FC United too Dave.
Perhaps in fifteen years, Mikey. Seen them play a couple of times and they’re shaping up well.
Dave–Until a team from London wins the Champions league, I am afraid you maybe right. Hopefully this campaign a London team will bring the trophy to the Olympic City!
Oh dear….
I’m off to Lighten Up Winchester!
http://www.winchester.gov.uk/Documents/Event/Open_Up_leaflet.pdf
Amazing what I’ll do for money
Dave – you are talking shit.
Man City have cash but they also have Mark Hughes as Manager. They won’t win the premiership with him in charge. Good Manager, but not a title winner.
I agree with you, SH. But Hughes will be out on his arse next summer – no matter how much compensation they’ll have to dish out.
Man City are big financial players in the Premiership. They will buy and be ruthless. Where this leaves Mark Hughes we will see. He will get his money whatever happens though.
Anyway should we not be talking about television?
Hmm..Let’s see…
Hey did anyone watch the football last night?
being a gooner, i still cannot sympathize with sagna’s choice (?) of hairdo. a bit too creative for a defender/defensive midfielder. i am looking forward though to see how vela will do this year. last night’s game in kiev turned out to be a little too exciting for my taste. i would have preferred to see the semi-russians been given the “blackburn” treatment
I watched the football, as it happens Mikey…
Everyone’s obsessed with finance. You can’t score with a wad of cash. A successful football team is about talent management. Not just talent.
Indy – I didn’t realise you were a Swedish Gooner. Lovely stuff.
Was it Freddie that brought you to the fold? Or maybe Anders Limpar’s mighty mullet?
yes sir, swedish gooner. that’s me. i guess it was the combination of living close to highbury (finsbury park, close to the arsenal mechandise shop) and freddiemania. limpar’s mullet didn’t impress me much, even though it was mightier than sagna’s hairdo.
Apparently the term “gooner” may have come from Arsenal’s Swedish/Scandanavian fans because they couldn’t pronounce the word “Gunners” properly.
sh: but what were they thinking when they sold off flamster and hleb? and why did wenger insist on bringing in silvestre from man utd? i predict a rocky season and hope that we’ll make it to the top four.
add a moustache to woss fist-friendly face and he’ll look like the barman in dr quinn…
Something Kinda Ooooh isn’t the anal sex song, it’s The Show.
Flamini and Hleb had to go – the former wanted to go badly and the latter was a tit.
We’ll be alright. Someone like Song or Wilshere is going to be a sudden genius discovery, it’s the way things go with Arsene.
I quite like Sagna’s ‘Venus Williams circa 1998′ beads.
Bring back Perry Groves!
Moving on – I’ve got The Family and Celeb Come Dine With Me to put myself through tonight. Any good?
I watched that Jim Davidson thing last night. What an upstanding man he is.
I’ve got that recorded as well… more than likely be deleted without viewing…
Quiet today, eh?
*whistles ruefully*
‘We were starting to get on with the black until they let them be traffic wardens…boo hoo I’m an alcoholic….I hate women…I am a misunderstood soul…I beat my wife…I don’t hate anybody…I’m the best comedia ever’
He’s a cunt of the highest order, so’s John Vergo by proxy.
I used to really fancy her when girls aloud first started.
She’s hideous on the X factor now though – all skinny and styled. thank god she makes up for it with her wit and musical genius.
I have to content myself with imagining Daniiiiii minogue hasnt changed her knickers for three days after a porn shoot.
Thankfully, that does the trick.
xtra! read all about it!
http://charliemingles.wordpress.com/2008/09/18/slapstick-wtf/
Sorry, Wenchy, that’s the one. I was going off the top of my head. GA Songs aren’t really my forte.
cant speak french is pretty catchy though.
*Puts down paper, cleans glasses on cardigan, taps foot along*
Didn’t Cheryl Cole assualt a black girl in a pub loo and use racist wordage? Or was that Jim Davidson
I don’t know, Piqued, but that new Metallica stuff is awful Eh?
daveselectricblanket.wordpress.com
It’s not as bad as St. Anger. Few good tracks. I prefer the older stuff
“Moving on – I’ve got The Family and Celeb Come Dine With Me to put myself through tonight. Any good?”
Phew, massive work load cleared! Now to the important stuff….
I watched celeb ‘Come Dine With Me’ last night and it was an absolutely cracking episode. What a quartet they scored there! Lee from Blue (thick as pig shit, no really), Michelle Heaton (alcoholic with no knickers and saggy tits – touch of class, eh lads?), Linda Barking-mad (actually quite nice and normal) and Peter Stringyhair (dirty old man who’s shit at cooking).
Things to watch for include:
a) Lee’s pronunciation of the word ‘thyme’
b) Peter’s daughter, sorry fiance, and the catty comments LB and MH make
c) Linda trying pass off her ‘vintage champagne’ from Sainsbury’s to Peter
d) Michelle’s classy wardrobe
e) Peter’s kitchen breaking
f) Peter’s lustrous hair in dinner
I wasn’t allowed to watch The Family, but I did catch about 10 minutes of it. Watch out for the world’s most moody teenager.
That’s quite an endorsement there, Clarry. I’m looking forward to it now…
you should be reviewing that on WWM properly Clarry. we need a classy chic on this channel.
It’s like a locker room in here these days with all that football and heavy metal talk.
‘It’s like a locker room in here these days with all that football and heavy metal talk.’
Duuuuuuuuuude!
*towel whips charlie*
A pleasure to be of service chaps!
CCDWM is well worth a watch.
Don’t think I can be bothered to watch The Family on repeat – it’s like Big Brother, but with a hormonal teenager called Emily who would actually give Chalie Uchea from BB8 a run for her money.
Chalie, Carry?
(c wot i dun ther)
Ha ha – I also realise it’s Charley not Charlie. How can I be trusted to write a review if I can’t even get a simple name right? How?
youre right. I take it back – youre an idiot.
It’s ‘you’re’ right, ‘you’re’ an idiot
Touche
Piqued old boy – I didn’t realise we were now picking each other up on spelling mistakes in these comments section.
And you need a full stop after that last sentence.
See how annoying it is?
To think I used to like you …
* cancels bunch of flowers*
And he needed to capitalise the quote, the sod.
How is ‘The Show’ about anal sex?
I’ll accept a written description, or pictures.
Not sure. It sounds like a standard love song but then theres:
If it’s not you oh no I won’t do that
You’ll have to wait for me and that is that
I won’t (ooh), unless you want me to
I want (you), get in the queue
[Repeat]
That special something, that they are hunting
They’re always wanting, more and more
And something kind of ooh goes:
Cant dance – no pain, no gain, no show
Jump to the beat all night dont roll
If you wanna handle me
You got to keep up
Something kinda ooh,
Jumping on my toot-toot
Something ’side of me,
Wants some part of you oo-ooh.
But then, think that Adele was just a dumb girl who didn’t realise that pavements were stationery? Think again: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chasing+pavements .
So they both could, or could not, be about anal sex. But whatever the case, that Adele is one dirty bitch.
Dancing (With TearsIn My Eyes) is about anal sex. I’ve just decided this very now. Fuck the cold war.
I’m both impressed and disturbed ugeine that you typed up the lyrics to a Girls Aloud song.
Thanks for reducing the testosterone levels back down to normal.
You should check that you haven’t grown breasts yet though.
I’ve been going a bit strange lately Charlie, for instance I’d rather sit through the entire girls aloud discography then the latest libertinesalike.
As Ive confessed here before – I quite like Girls Aloud. And Im heterosexual.
Youre a girl though arent you goerge? Its allowed (aloud) See what i did there?
Goerge: You need to put some cream on that before it spreads to your Iggy Pop collection and ruins everything.
Dr Charles Mingles
(first consultation free)
Jusr remembered Girl I’m Gonna Make You Sweat by some eighties reggae outfit. Filthy.
Look you in the big brown eye eye – ah ah ah ah
and of course theres Brown-eyed Girl by Van Morrison
RE: Swineshead’s question from hours ago. I’m a Manchester United fan.
I can’t see how either of those songs are about anal sex?
sh: “Jusr (sic) remembered Girl I’m Gonna Make You Sweat by some eighties reggae outfit. Filthy.
Look you in the big brown eye eye – ah ah ah ah”
yup. inner circle was their name. huge on the ferrys to finland. the genre is know as deutsche reggae. selected (awful) genre tracks: “raising my family” and “one more reggae for the road”.
further inner circle lyrics:
“and if you cry – i’m gonna push – push-shit push-shit – it some more”
gross.