Chaps – When you were young (and your heart was an open book), did your school playground echo with the whispers of what TV programme that evening might contain knockers?
Ladies – I can’t pretend to understand how the complex machinations of your minds work, but there must have been an equivalent? Have a think about the TV programmes that inspired lust in your hearts…
For my part, The Camomile Lawn was a guarantee of wobbling lady flesh on terrestial TV and was essential viewing for many young men of my generation. That woman who was in Pride & Prejudice acting all demure – well – she can’t fool me. I know she’s saucy.
Tipping The Velvet arrived later and by that time I think I’d moved on a little, not really requiring television to act as smut-provider though I’m sure the 14 year old me would’ve gladly tuned in for the promise of actual lesbian bumcheeks.
Did you watch Eurotrash in the hope of seeing a couple of French fancies every Friday? What TV programmes would you tune into as a youngster to guarantee you got yourself a glimpse of hardcore nudity?
What dirty television was must-see?
144 Comments
sweden. it’s all about blondes, suicides and free sex, isn’t it. swedish television used to focus on the second one from stone age to the late 80ies, when lumber mill tychoon jan stenbeck (founder of metro, who ate himself to death, fact!, in a se7en style orgy stuffing his face with mashed potatoes, a special recipe which contained large amounts of butter, cream and caviar) launched tv3. when the two public broadcasting company owned channels kanal1 and tv2 showed bergman movies, norén dramas and czechoslovakian puppeteers with crypto-bolshevik messages tv3 gave us this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6pVPrh3p7c
it was led by bruno wintzell, former opera star who previously, to quote bono, “had come here to play jesus” in jesus christ superstar but by the time was hopelessly out of fashion and out of work. domenica, the hostess, later joined the overcampy eurotrash “band” army of lovers.
my parents were, least to say, not very fond of tv3 and it’s lack of moral, bergman movies, norén dramas etc. but i had a friend who’s dad chose to buy an parabol antenna “just to see what the fuss was about”. my friend used to brag about watching tutti frutti every monday. and that’s it. i never got to see it but still i got these vague memories of it, thanks to my friend who was so generous to share his stories about tits.
sorry about spelling and grammar. i hope you get the message anyway.
Indy – we Brits were led to believe that every single piece of film or TV that came out of Sweden contained rampant nudity. Is this true?
(Your spelling and grammar was better than most on here)
Hammer Horror films Vampire Lovers, The Music Lovers, Blue Peter….
Eurotrash you’ve named. I remember Antoine giving an interview and saying that it wouldn’t work in French as it was a very British sense of humour. We’re a bunch of repressed perverts.
Eurotrash was a bit shit though.
yes, there were lots of nudity but it was always “tragic nude” and never “sexy nude” or even “funny nude”. personally i find it almost (!)impossible to set up a wank moment from memories of watching 1) sobbing rape victims, 2) long angst-ridden post-coital smoking scenes and 3) sweden, being stuck in the 70ies til mid 90ies, lots of pubic hair. i have one type 3 memory when a beautiful blonde actress who played this lovely girl-next-door part suddenly flashed a what looked like a g’n'r guitarist where i had expected to get a glimpse of genitalia. very distressing.
Eurotrash gave me my youngster wanks. When mother came to tell me off for watching telly me I had to flick quickly to Newsnight. She must have thought me awful sophisticated for a 12-year-old. Little did she know.
I remember when I first sighted a wanny close-up in one of my brother’s grot mags – like your first taste of lager, you’re not sure if everything’s as it should be. It requires cross-referencing.
*ahem*
Hmmm – sobbing rape victims is definitely a minus point.
anyone who has seen the playboy version of candid camera? soft porn hell. lots of tits but very disappointing. not to mention british porn.
It’s that urge to have a teenage tommy tank crossed with the danger of ma or pa disturbing the show that informs our later psychology, I conclude.
‘Danger wanks’, I believe they’re called. Quite.
British pron is among the worst in the world. No matter how plush the set up, English accents make the whole affair seem like a badly made soap opera.
Just ahead of Germany in the rankings though – what with the Germans being obsessed with piddling on their lady-folk post-coitus.
sh: yup. it got a very croydon feel over it. and the light and settings are often quite bad. plus the rules for what can be shown and not. my experience from brit-porn is that it always ends with a shot of two (or more) shadows rocking back and forth on a white wall. hollywood it isn’t.
That was the thing about Eurotrash. When there was nudity, it was followed by some skinny pervy bloke doing something odd.
i got to admit, before anyone else does, that complaining about:
“the light and settings are often quite bad.”
is like complaining about the lack of car chases in a jane austen film.
I always think of the Family Guy episode when it comes to Brit Porn. ‘There we are! Jolly good’ etc.
Ben Dover.
Have you ever seen the work of this man?
Nasty. Ben. Nasty….
Morning everyone. My latest review ( more of an homage to the great Hugh Laurie really) is here:
http://charliemingles.wordpress.com/2008/09/26/red-laurie-yellow-laurie-other-laurie/
Don’t worry, hes not dead. Just very talented
A friend of mine’s ( no really, it was a friend of mine’s) used to share a flat with a girl her really fancied. He didnt want her to know he watched porn (pauses, as everyone in the room laughs uproariously) and the only DVD player was in the sitting room.
Whenever she was out, He used to stand, half-way across the room, his trousers at half-mast, his ear cocked for the front door, dick in one hand, remote control in the other watching porn.
One day, she came back unexpectedly and he quickly pulled up his jeans and flicked onto BBC2. It was gardener’s world and he thought how much more embarassing it would be to be found wanking to Monty Don than some blonde american chic.
Monty Don would make any man wilt, regardless of sexuality.
Didn’t he have a stroke?
Speaking of wilting, did anyone watch the repeat of Louis Theroux on Porn last night. Bloody hell… Why do people do it to themselves? I thought it was interesting when Louis was talking to the man about ‘gay for pay’ performers going mad and killing themselves or somebody else and that this was quite common in the biz.
I recall that one. The one in the brothel was an eyeopener too. Messed up.
I hate louis theroux’s faux-naivete. then he shafts the fuck out of them in the editing room. snide little fuckwit.
I saw that first time around. Classic Theroux, eh what?
This is good. A tough read, mind.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2001/mar/17/society.martinamis1
Mingles…how would one edit a documentary without biased? Since it’s an impossible task let’s use the editing suite to bash them for our humour. Unless you’re Jimmy Saville and defy editing with Jedi-like abilities.
Eurotrash was ace, but was an Onanist’s minefield.
You never knew when bouncing fun backs would suddenly cut to an 80yr old Belgian male nudist on a bike.
Dennis Potter stuff always had some fanny action in them.
I once taped something which was 90 minutes long called nude yoga, which was exactly that…nude women, doing yoga. It was like pron but without er sex. I kept it for years.
* fun bags. Backs aren’t that fun.
janet ellis started on Jigsaw, a show for the under-5’s.
Needless to say, once word got round that she presented it in a t-shirt without a bra, the age-demographic increased dramatically.
The two wonky faced short necked naked gimps on Eurotrash used to give me the fear.
Matt – black eyes by dennis potter has gina whatshername from coupling sitting naked astride an old man ( potters representative obviously) calling him a filthy bastard and spitting on him.
I have the clip framed in my mind for eternity.
* fun bags. Backs aren’t that fun.
You’ve clearly not seen any of the Baby Got Back series of adult pictures.
Theroux is brilliant – you can’t really argue that he treats people well, even in the edit suite.
I used to do a lot of babysitting and furiously knocked one out to a dennis potter play one night when exceeding bored, I can’t really remember which one it was, but she had dark hair.
Didn’t the lives and loves of a she-devil have a high muff count too?
I don’t agree CM – the naivety (faux or otherwise) is the key tool of getting these people to talk, people who are very often at the margins of society who are shunned on a daily basis and who have a general distrust of most outsiders. If he went in all tough-guy he wouldn’t get a foot through the door. And as for the shafting in the editing suite, I think Louis gives them the rope and they hang themselves.
I did think it was very funny when he was with the born again christian family and played Faith by George Michael to them on the guitar…
Jet from Gladiators was the Games Mistress on Gamesmaster. I knocked one off to both pseudonyms with no issues at all either way.
God boys are weird…
Clarry – I agree with you completely that when his targets are legitimate, hes the perfect man for the job.
But he ran out of good subjects a while ago and now often just takes the piss out of gullible harmless people. I cant quite make my mind up about him, sometimes I like him sometimes I dont.
Youd never find me taking the piss out of people merely to get viewers and make people laugh.
*embarassed cough*
god boys and non-god boys clarry. were all fucking weird.
but thats why you chics wuv us
Don’t judge all boys on the strength of Dave wanking over Jet from Gladiators (in the dark).
Theroux hasn’t run out of subjects. The recent prison one was one of his best.
His greatest ever, I feel, is Gangsta rap.
Worth reading his book, if you haven’t. Much more analysis of how he really felt.
i might be wrong but isn’t p theroux a poor man’s jon ronson. or at least he started as one. i haven’t seen his latest shows though.
The best one he did was Max Clifford, I reckon. And why would I wank in the light – that seems worse to me. Or whilst looking after minors and watching highbrow plays…
Dave – I got left behind on the dark / light thing.
Why is wanking in the dark better? Surely you need to be able to see the material you’re using?
There’s less guilt if you imagine the contents of the Bettaware catalogue. I usually lie there naked, crying for a while afterwards…dwelling in my own filth.
*tumbleweed*
SH – I watched all of Theroux’s offering when they first aired and then read the books recently. That’s why i’ve been watching the re-runs, the insights from the book give them a new slant.
Definitely Clarry. Especially the Pimp guy from the gangsta rap one… interesting character…
Blimey – one mention on the urban MILF’s website and my stats are up 100%.
*lights cigar with £100 note*
On the subject of Tipping The Velvet, may I just say I would happily sell everyone I know into slavery if it meant I ended up married to Keeley Hawes (in her 20s, obviously). I’ve been banging on about this woman for years now – lovely to look at, posh but not annoyingly posh voice and, up until recently, guaranteed to get the lot out in anything she appeared in. PHWOOOOOAAARR!
It’s not about boobs, but I happened to have the misfortune of listening (I was working so I didn’t see it) to the late-night repeat of Charlie Boorman’s new travel show. I hope I’m not alone in thinking the fat, spoilt, naiive, fuckwitted bastard should be keelhauled at the soonest opportunity.
By the way Clarrry – I had a whole tube of Pringles yesterday and then set fire to my arse – as you predicted, lots of green gunk came out.
Thanks for the tip. let me know if you want me to send you the photos.
Napoleon – theres a great review of that boorman show here:
http://charliemingles.wordpress.com/2008/09/17/charley-boorman-ireland-to-sydney-by-any-means/
Some other charlie mingles character obviously.
PS: I also love the Hawes since her costume drama days. shes lost it a bit though recently, looked a bit ropey in that shite life on mars v2.0
She doesn’t look too bad in Mutual Friends (which is surprisingly good, as it ‘appens). I think she looked ropey in Ashes to Ashes because of that monstrous perm.
wasnt she pregnant or something in that? You cant beat her as Zoe in spooks though. posh, hauty, that wee short haircut and packing heat!
yowza!
I thought that Mr Boorman – though clearly a lovely chap – had one of the weirdiest bodies I’ve ever seen, with the torso of Charles Atlas and the legs of a polio victim. How did that happen?
I watched the first mutual friends and didnt really like it, seemed like typical yuppie drama.
but my hero AA gill likes it, so maybe its not so bad.
its the fanny on his face edna thats the problem not the legs. I only watched one episode for review purposes. Its quit telling that I knew it was going to be shite, and therfore worth reviewing from trailers.
its interesting that these trailers often let you know which shows not to watch, which I would guess is probably not their primary fucntion.
‘the fanny on his face?’
Don’t you like facial hair CM?
dont mind facial hair at all Piqued. I had a beard myself for a while.
its just boorman’s. He has this little sort of king charles tidy beard that looks disturbingly like my ex-girlfriends fanny.
Worth watching the show just to see the beard. though for no other reason whatsoever.
On your blog you said you’ve grown a moustache Piqued – is that true?
I quite approve of facial hair providing it’s not overly manicured. How do men manage to cut those weird lines (which are about 1 hair thick) that connect their sideburns and goatees along the jawline Those lines disturb me.
*hopes no WWM readers have these face lines*
*stops drawing hair on face with a blue Biro*
Oh, so those are bad? Oh no.
Clarry – the tidy beard is evil. only people like noel edmonds and charlie boorman have one. Its shows a man who spends far too much time worrying about his own appearance when he should be giving his girlfriend a right good seeing to.
I think the more portly gentleman crafts those to create the illusion of a defined jawline. Or it’s the sort of person who has lines cut into their hair and eyebrows.
A bit like Adi Ferreira:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/f/f4/Adi_EE_2.jpg/200px-Adi_EE_2.jpg
or this berk:
http://www.faniq.com/images/blog/Greivis%20Vasquez.jpg
DOn’t think my last comment will get through, put too many picture links on to stupid beards.
Just put Greivis (Vasquez) into Google images or find Adi Ferreira’s from Eastenders profile on Wiki. Ha ha ha.
I think the more portly gentleman crafts them to create the illusion of a defined jawline. Or it’s the sort of person who has lines cut into their hair and eyebrows.
I’ve always wanted a proper mustache that you can twist at the ends. If somebody asked me a question, I could stroke it while thinking.
Vasquesz’s looks a little like boorman’s. though boormans fanny has slghtly longer more style hair.
the other one also looks like a twat. I remember him from eastenders, That was probably the last time I watched it.
That was years ago, when that really dull asian family were in it. The script editors ( andrew collins, if youre listening) were obviously too scared to give them anything interesting to do, in case it was see as racist.
so they were all just jolly kind and nice and dull. I think the biggest controversy involved some illegal DJing.
Have you seen the Herring video on YouTube in which he takes down a drunken heckler. Damn, that guy’s good.
CM – Did you look at the second pic that comes up? Surely Charlie Boorman doesn’t have a beard that is cut to look like little waves?
The asian family you describe, Mingles – I remember fancying the girl.
Facial hair’s alright by me, by the way. I sometimes sport enormous sideburns, though they’re quite trim at the moment.
Rubbish tattoo, mind you.
http://www.poojashah.com/web%20articles/pooja.jpeg
She obviously likes it enough to buy a top to show it off especially.
Good lord. I just searched for her with safe search off. It’s amazing what the interweb can do.
That tat is pure council estate.
Sorry, been in the chod bin
Yes CM, I’m now sporting one of those Nick Cave jobs
Shes a bit too clean looking for me SH. I prefer my women a little dirtier and rougher round the edges.
Christina Aguilera in a bad mood and pair of dirty knickers, is more my style.
Clarry – didnt see that one. maybe SH could post the links though, the lazy bastard.
I can’t grow a proper beard. It just hangs under my chin like moss off Thunderbird 2.
the moustache is a tricky one Piqued. it looked dashing on timothy dalton and dick dastardly. but gay as fuck on tom selleck.
tom selleck – magnum PI
It is a tricky one CM, it is
It resembles this
http://pub.tv2.no/multimedia/na/archive/00231/Nick_Cave_231151m.jpg
How does a man choose which style to go for. Do they do as louche and practice with pen ones first?
Is your hair like that as well Piqued?
How does a man choose which style to go for. Do they do as louche and practice with pen ones first?
P – That’s quite impressive. I think we need photographic evidence of this.
Hey?
Even with a baldy head and a stupid beard, nick cave looks cool. most folk would look like a cuban drug dealer. If thats the look youre going for, keep going.
does your laydeee like it, thats all that matters. fuck what we all say. Im covered in hair from head to foot as you can see.
Although I do often shave my face and my paws, up to the cuff – for funerals.
Clarry – most young men seem to grow a beard like their heroes, or some male filmstar they have a bit of a crush on.
as a teenage boy, there were few thrills more thrilling than getting my first proper stubble. I thought I looked sooo damn cool.
It was almost as good as the day I had the bright idea in primary school to start parting my hair on either side of my ears, so it looked like I had thick sideburns. Oh, the girls loved that look.
and the schoolbully.
Nick Cave has a diamond mustache.
I think Piqued’s got a bit-part in the next Wes Anderson film.
My hair isn’t like that, despite what NC says, I’m not remotely bald
Better half suggested the tash. She likes it, I do too, that’s all that counts
Before I met Piqued, I thought he’d look like Kris Kristofferson.
BOY WAS I RONG.
Peter Wyngarde off of Department S, ackcherloi.
has anyone heard peter wynegard’s rape song? terrifying.
Aaah, but Edna, you’ve yet to see the new ‘Mexican bandit’ me, Homes
Peter Wyngarde? Ho ho ho! More like a cancerous Richard III wearing a wig.
To make a Piqued:
Richard III + media spectacles + wig (20 year old style) + bent back + skin & bones + awful attitude + appalling teeth = Piqued.
Eh, hombre..
*flashes nonexistent boobs whilst dressed as a fourth-rate Jane Russell*
‘media spectacles?’
Don’t be so silly, I wear glasses. Not my fault you BIGOT
Napoleon, how would you make a Swineshead? Or a Mr Chips?
Armani, if I recall. And how do I know? Because you made damn sure I knew who made ‘em by advertising the manufacturer on the arms, you ponce. Bilboard, bespectacled, media ponce.
WITH A BROKEN BACK!
is that one of them there little fanny beards youve got there in your photo Napoleon?
My photo? The picture of George V, you mean? You’ll have to ask him, Mingles.
Unlike Piqued (who spends two hours trimming his moustache each morning to get that Freddie Mercury perfection), I don’t have any face fungus. When I do grow a beard, I let it become unruly and cascade down my neck like a hair waterfall. I have no truck with these poncified London beards.
Oh the irony. The Armani part is the only thing I don’t like about them, I got them in the sale. They are comfortable and light -that’s what counts
As for your beard? If your hair is anything to go by you may have a point. You look like Bill Bailey after he’s been dragged through a hedge, you scruffy Herbert.
As for me, I look like a tramp what’s pissed himself and I’m not bothered about it
something for the weekend …
http://charliemingles.wordpress.com/2008/09/26/something-for-the-weekend/
Scruffy, he says. At least I don’t need to make an effort to look scruffy. By the looks of you, you pay a lot of money for your casual scruffiness. Even the wig looks trendily ruffled. You’re a disgrace.
AND YOU CAN’T WALK! Next time we all get together for the podcast, we’ll no doubt have to take turns pushing you about in a bath chair.
Back in secondary school all the fuss was about Sex in the City. I watched it expecting some soft core porn and found old ladies talking about oral sex. That brown haired one was and still is a fine looking woman though.
SH, at least you’re clean unlike certian folk on ‘ere (NC -I could actually hear his underwear coughing)
Talking about beards…I wonder how Samantha’s HRT’s going.
*meow*
‘Back in secondary school all the fuss was about Sex in the City’
Really? In mine it was more about Hancock’s Half Hour
I’m in one of my mad posting moods, Piqued, so forgive me but I had the joyless experience of watching the Australian series of HH this week. An insult to the BBC, yes, but he needn’t have killed himself over it. I’ve been watching that Paul Merton ripoff too and it’s not half bad. Far too young the first time round.
Never heard of it. Really showing my age (or lack of it) today, eh? Anyone want to play conkers or make fart noises?
*farts*
‘old ladies talking about oral sex’
Tombstone, you really are showing your age.
take a tip from an old bastard: women are at their best either aged 17 or when theyre 38-45. anything inbetween is just a pain in the arse.
*retrieves ‘most sexist’ list from dusty vault*
Charles, you’re treading a fine line here…
Up yours, Piqued. At least I smell of musky man odours, not Deep Heat and Anusol.
And I didn’t want to bring this up, but when you were terrorising those women, you laughed and your wig slipped forward. You thought we hadn’t noticed, but we had. In future, I suggest you get a stronger adhesive … advice that could also be extended to those slippery dentures of yours.
http://www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com
I found it amusing when she was on J Ross and he started doing his old ‘I’m a man in my early 40s routine’, completelly forgetting that SJP is a good year old than he. The arseface.
am I allowed to say it was all in ironic italics SH?
Failing that, I’l just say I was doing a Dave impersonation ( sorry dave)
*pops gonads on chopping block*
GO ONE THEN. TAKE THEM YOU BASTARD.
No it’s fine, so long as you were impersonating Dave.
I’ve forgiven Hitler for the same reason.
… and no one’s called me charles since my mother held me as a newborn in her tender arms and cried, ‘Aaaaaagh! Its a fucking monkey!’
Yes NC, but as I don’t wear a wig your anecdote doesn’t entirely work
It was sweet of you though
I’m impersonable thanks very much….erm, yeah…
AND I’M SEEING HORRIFIC COCK ROCK BAND DRAGONFORCE IN A SHORT WHILE!!!!!
Not really ‘cock rock’ more ’shit-rock’
Most wig-wearers deny they wear wigs. As that was clearly a wig on your head, I can only assume you’re in denial when it comes to your wig-wearing activities.
I’ll give you this though: it looked expensive. Is it Armani?
They’re absolutely awful and as far removed from music as possible. That’s how I roll.
You roll off to see a band that’s absolutely awful? Last of the free spirits …
(Actually, shame about them, waste of accomplished musicians, they had the potential to take the Dimmu Borgir route but they took the wrong turn)
Got free tickets because my moneybags sister went to watch Turisas with me a year back and we had a good laugh…they were supporting Lordi at the time and will be singing about Rasputin tonight.
(I’d like to point out that DB look crap… you may feel the same about the music I hasten to add)
NC you genuinely have hair like Cronos from Venom, but less of it
Lordi?
Fucking hell, that’s a personal insult to those that like a spot of the metal
I see. A Gwar fanboy are we?
Christ, no
Ive never heard of any of these people
*dies of shame and old age*
Hey NC, did you watch traffic cops yesterday. I was left opened mouthed after one bit where they approached two Swedish birds walking down the M6. When they tried to move them they went mental and tried to run across a busy motorway with cars going full pelt. The first one (in a green tracksuit) ran across and was hit by a lorry (you could see her green tracksuit getting thrown about under the wheels), which prompted the other one (in a red tracksuit) to whizz across as well and she was hit by a car really fucking hard. The visibly socked coppers ran to help them and both of them were fighting and spitting and cursing them despite having their legs snapped in half. Both were off their tits and double hard, so much so that the one in the red tracksuit jumped up, took out a female cop and legged it over the central reservation and over the other side of the motorway. It took six people to restrain her. I think they had been eating cake, you know the drug that makes you think you’ve got an hour to cross the road.
Of course I meant that the cops were ‘visibly shocked’ rather than wearing half-mast trousers.
Piqued mailed me the clip of those mental twins – did we find out what amazing drugs they’d taken? Mental clip.
Mental.
*mops brow*
Mental.
can you send me that clip SH, I havent seen that.
(nothing funny to see there, just a simple request for information. Its not always top drawer material, you know.)
It’s on the BBC website somewhere – just use your searchy skills old timer…
in fact ’swedish twins motorway’ should do it as the world and his wife is watching it this afternoon…
Is it sad that I’m as excited about the first presidential debate as I would be a Rocky Hatton fight?
It’s on, baby! F*king on!
blimey charlie! that swedish chic is mental.
I can only imagine that she’s trying to get to the other side of the road to complete a porn movie – and that both the plumber and the shirehorse are on time and a half.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWXmM4z-EpM
I looked for a clip of it but that’s been edited – they don’t show the bits where they got hit. It was awful…
I imagine it’s part Danny Trejo and part Antonio Margarito (the boxer, not film directory).
director…ah feck it.