Brought to you by Tales from an Empty Room
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To the outsider, teenage American girls appear to be split into two camps. Half of them are starring in Spring Break and videos getting gang-banged by drunk teenage boys. The other half are members of various Christian purity movements. Luckily, we have girls like Sarah Palin’s teenage daughters to bridge the gap. She’s a fundamentalist Christian, but her daughters are apparently forever getting knocked up by gas station attendants and bag-boys. And they say Palin isn’t a unifying candidiate.
This documentary followed various fathers and daughters in Colorado Springs as the daughters prepared to make their pledges to stay virginal and pure, promising not to even kiss or hold hands with a boy until their wedding day. They do this as part of the annual Purity Ball and they start as young as five.
Now, most guys I know who have daughters know what horny little bastards teenage boys are. And most of them can see the merit in trying to make sure your daughter feels loved enough at home not to go off and date the town ’bad boy’ just to piss off daddy. As US comedian Chris Rock says - your only job as a father is to keep your daughter off the pole. But there is surely a better way of doing this that doesn’t involve emotionally blackmailing a five-year old.
The main character we met was the ball’s organiser, alpha-male fuckwit Randy Wilson. As Randy and the other fathers in this movement sat hovering over their daughters as they spouted their rehearsed purity speeches to please daddy, my skin began to crawl. Randy has seven children and he and his wife have had five miscarriages. His wife, by the way, was a weeping basket-case. Bearing in mind the poor woman’s been pregnant 11 times, she was obviously physically and emotionally worn-out and she probably doesn’t have five minutes peace where the aptly-named Randy isn’t showing her some of his good ol’, Christian lovin’.
As part of a weekly household ceremony, the children line up and Randy tells them one-by-one what they mean to him. To me, this just looked like an overly-dominant man asserting his patriarchal role in an ugly display of power. But I guess Mrs Randy must have been glad of the rutting break.
I’d be interested to know how much Randy makes from these purity balls and how much of it he gives back to the church. Having said that, the New Life Church which hosts these things, was conveniently founded by Randy himself. So who knows if he can tell the difference between the two.
‘Why! The church needs a brand-new red Camaro. Hallelujah!’
We also met Khrystian Wilson (these Americans with their whacky misspellings!) who had once been Miss Teenage Colorado and had taken one of these purity covenants herself. Being a very nice-looking girl and Miss Colorado an all, she’d obviously attracted the attention of the boys. And having had virtually no sex education, she soon found herself pregnant. She was all set to marry the boy in question until she lost the baby and they separated. Thankfully, she’s now living with a nice guy. But her mother still treats her like a fallen woman and refuses to have anything to do with her partner. Christian love and forgiveness in action.
I understand parents wanting to protect their children - particularly young daughters - from the worst excesses of our morally bankrupt and demoralised culture. But anyone knows that if you want to make something seem more appealing to teenagers – just ban it. Just ask every stripper who went to convent school. Everyone knows little girls will do anything to please their daddy. But fathers taking advantage of this fact, simply because they can’t handle the idea of their daughters growing up into sexually mature women, is pretty depressing.
Disclaimer: Having said all of that, I should confess I have previous in this area myself. With a long trail of broken relationships behind me, I’ve disillusioned so many women that a group of my ex-girlfriends have now got together and started their own nunnery. I’m thinking about opening up my own monastery nearby. This might just be the perfect relationship – I just need to convince them all to take the Mingles Pledge at my annual Monastery Ball. I’ll keep you informed of my progress.
149 Comments
Creepy. I love those tags, ha ha piss play.
A five-year old has zero understanding of the concept of virginity. They might know what it means, but in practical terms it’s a completely pointless process, this ceremony.
Like CM says, you ban something, you make it come into public focus.
See also: drugs.
I bet Tony in Walford tuned into this show, by the way.
I learned about sex in sex education in year 4. I learned how to do it from soft core porn. I did it for the first time when I was 16
Number of sexual infections : 0
Number of girls pregnant : 0
Number of sexual infections : 0
Number of girls pregnant : 0
Was that a league match or a cup match?
You missed off…
Number of girls penetrated by the Tombstone: 0
“Back in secondary school all the fuss was about Sex in the City.” all i know about sex i’ve learnt from tv. not that much from sex in the city though.
You reckon more penetration up front is needed eh Swines? Bit like the gooners on Saturday!
It was a cup match Mikey, I won the replay at their gaffe though.
I was expecting something like Swineshead, still funny though.
Indy you should get that quote printed on a T-Shirt.
Mikey – get fucked.
(I’m off to the game tonight at Ashburton G)
Indy – I just started Let The Right One In. It’s alright.
Yeah what was up with Van Persie? It was like he forgot how to play football or something.
when was this on?
There’ll be Hull to play, Mikey…I mean hell to play, of course.
sh: i wonder what they are gone rename the “pron” version to?
…and no mentions of h*ll thanks. worst. match. ever?
pay*
Morning.
Please forget my last comment. It was the 25th I know now.
I needed to record it but thought I’d missed it but I’d recorded it anyway.
Carry on your fooball banter…….
Yeah Arsenal just seemed to have problems breaching their hull.
*Crickets*
Isn’t the whole point of Christianity to be fruitful and multiply anyway? Why would they want to teach them sexual education? I thought they wanted as many bawling toddlers in the world as possible.
i think however that last season started exactly the same for the gunners but that they still made it to the top spot of the table til christmas. then was the turning point after, was it after the game birmingham, when they lost both the game and eduardo. the picture of his foot injury still gives me night mares.
———-*———-
My team nearly knocked out Sunderland. We were literally ten minutes away from knocking out our second premiership team of the Carling Cup.
I think that’s Catholism Goerge. And they do want lots of kids…but after they are married. It’s all the fooling around before marriage they frown upon.
You can’t blame one injury for Arsenal’s constant underacheivement. The blame lies with Arsene Wengers obsession with turning £5 million pound players into £20 million pound players.
Not just Catholicism, it’s a certain breed of Christianity, Pentecostals are at it like rabbits as well.
And why did I put £ signs and the word pound? That’s mighty stupid.
Control. I think it’s all about control . Fuck all to do with god per say.
It’s all about marital sex isn’t it. Don’t parents have a right to raise their children by their faith or does that cease when it comes to Guardian readers and the Bible belt? You bloody hypocrites, all of you on here. Every single one.
Religions are basically about control and maintaining the status quo, yes. Mostly about men trying to maintain their dominance over women I find. It wouldn’t suprise me if half the men trying to keep their daughters away from sex are shagging someone behind their wives’ back.
I think we should reserve the football banter, personally… tends to bore people who couldn’t care less. But I’ll leave it at this – Hull played very, very well.
Now – VIRGINS!
Surely a 16 year old girl walking around with a purity band makes herself a target simply by wearing the trinket?
No parents shouldn’t have the right to make their children do things they don’t understand or want to do. Children should have a fair and balanced education and be given the chance to make their own choices. Both creationism and evolution should be taught in school, then let the children make their mind up what they think happened. Teach them sex education and tell them not to have sex before they are 16 and to protect themselves.
Yeah I reckon it would make them more of a target. Guys like a challenge.
You can’t blame one injury for Arsenal’s constant underacheivement. The blame lies with Arsene Wengers obsession with turning £5 million pound players into £20 million pound players.
Are you kidding? Are you mental?
I thought that was the sign of a sharp business mind rather than a pointless obsession.
Personally I take more joy from watching a player like Fabregas become world class in the space of a season that I would watching the whole team lift the tinpot carling cup. Seriously. And it’s more profitable, in the long run.
Dave: Does that only count for Hick Christians, or am I allowed to raise my children in a Klingon upbringing, making them take the pledge of nasrandi when they’re fifteen? As I have the ability to randomly shoot my genetics into whatever and possibly get it pregnant does that mean the result has to endure whatever hair brained, ill thought out ideology I decide to drag it through?
Arsenal faced Chelsea in the Champs League a while back in fielded an entire team that cost less then Shevchenko. I think that’s worth respecting.
I respect Arsenal for their investment in youth and the tremendous job they’ve done while spending less than their competitors. However I believe Arsene’s reluctance to spend big money is why they won’t win the title against big spenders. Man Utd know they’ll never get their money back from Berbatov but if he scores the goals that wins them the title isn’t that what it’s all about.
I like the investing in the future policy but when is this future? When Fabregas leaves because a team offers more money than Arsesnal can under Arsenal’s stingy wage system what will have been the point, as they start again with another youngster who becomes a star and leaves. Sometimes you’ve got to spend big, even if it’s just on one or two players to help the kids along.
Well put, Goerge. Stringer Bell would be proud of the profit margin.
“making them take the pledge of nasrandi when they’re fifteen?”
This made me laugh louder than one should in the work place, people were looking.
George – Some oppression is celebrated by the left as sacred and some stoned because it isn’t engrained by century old tradition. That’s a fact.
David religion is a tricky business, it’s hard enough trying to keep the peace with 6 billioon people on this world. The fact that half the world disagrees with the other half and is adamant that they are correct and won’t change their stance just makes it even harder.
When Fabregas leaves because a team offers more money than Arsesnal can under Arsenal’s stingy wage system what will have been the point, as they start again with another youngster who becomes a star and leaves. Sometimes you’ve got to spend big, even if it’s just on one or two players to help the kids along.
*is lured back into the football talk by an incredibly well behaved Tombstone*
Hopefully Fabregas will stay the distance, as Henry and – to a lesser extent – Vieira did. In fact, most of the Invincibles stayed till they were knackered or of little worth to Wenger any more. It’s only the past couple of seasons when we’ve had players running off for wages a la Flamini and Hleb.
Wenger’s business model is the best in the business in terms of ethics and economics. Some of us are happier with that (and a few titles along the way) than with megas-spending, dodgy owners and a crass approach to the market.
The worst thing about football is that, eventually, Arsenal will have to succumb to the latest trend – billionaire owners – and I’ll just have to grin and bear it. But as it stands, I’m quite proud that Arsenal are doing what they can to stay as straight up as possible.
the tombstone:
“Children should have a fair and balanced education and be given the chance to make their own choices. Both creationism and evolution should be taught in school, then let the children make their mind up what they think happened.”
…and if they find creationism their choice then it’s the door to the right, crucifiction. “fair and balanced” may be a great soundbite but when it’s a choice between a scientifically proved logical theory and some made up nonsense then fair and balanced isn’t the way to go for a progressive society.
Incredibly well behaved? Do I get a gold star with that or would that be too patronising for me?
I’m proud of Arsenal too and I would love to see them win the title. We are agreed on that. I think we also agree that they probably won’t win it without a billionaire or going massively into debt. Personally I don’t think football clubs should be able to have massive deficits in their profit and loss account or balance sheet anyway. Chelsea and Man Utd have both won titles while running at a loss or in heavy debt, yet teams in the third division are being run out of business by massive point deductions that cause them to be relegated to non league. Deductions that are in place because they had no money in the first bloody place.
being the devil’s advocate:
“Wenger’s business model is the best in the business in terms of ethics and economics”
…even though sometimes it’s pretty close to child labour.
Indy I don’t care if people think the world was created by a big bang, God or a giant peacock called Stanley as long as they are good people and don’t fuck up their children’s lives.
I wonder how many forums are currently discussing the creation of the world AND Arsene Wenger’s business model.
Dave: Bully for the left. Bloody Guardian readers you couldn’t make it up etc etc. Still, let’s try giving children some basic sex education, yeah? I know this might sound silly, but parents should have the responsibility to bring their children up in a responsible fashion rather then making them succumb to whatever ideology they happen to believe in while excusing the consequences as diversity.
Sorry to go back to the Arsenal debate, but I think they are just missing two players. Viera and Campbell. When these players replacements have been found, the final ingredient will be there. Funnily enough I do not think the loss of Henry has been a bad thing, indeed it has encouraged more players to take responsibility for the goals. But every team needs a couple of hard men and that is what the Arsenal are missing, in my opinion.
My God doesn’t judge people and how they raise their children. Particularly if they are raised to be pure.
That is all.
They could have done with Touré’s brother. He would have been key for them.
Dave, even God probably thinks you’re a pillock.
Dave: That’s why your God’s the director and not in middle management.
And comments like that are the reason you’re going to hell, Mr Tombstone with the macabre name and nodoubt strange interest in horror films.
I love horror films, nothing strange about that. Have you ever seen Basket Case, if you had you’d love them too.
This post isn’t about religion – it’s about a lunatic niche of one religion. The majority of Christians – moderate ones – would be as horrified as the rest of us at the stupidity of all this gubbins.
The real worry is that it’s becoming mainstream, what with the likes of that arsehole Jordin Sparks and the Jonas Brothers gabbing on about their spotless hymens and their chastity nob-lockers.
Is that by Peter Jackson? Rubbish.
Basket Case is an all time classic. His new one, Bad Biology, is so far out there it made me poop in the cinema.
You do have to remember that this programme was highlighting the very extreme as well. Normal Christians who go to church and love their neighbours (and their home and away) don’t make such good telly.
I can’t wait until a few years from now when the Jonas Brothers are exposed as frauds who were shagging everything that moved.
Dave – Basket Case, despite being an exploitation flick made for about $30 in the 80s, is better than anything you like.
And no, it’s not by Peter Jackson.
Ooh I’ll have to look out for that. Maybe I can catch it in hell.
Peter Jackson’s blockbusters are rubbish Dave, his low budget horror flicks are masterpieces.
SH – did you get round to watching this series?
Sod off, I like things on videos. Have you heard of Repo! The Genetic Opera?
I agree with SH. one of my oldest friends is a christian and hes one of the nicest, funniest and most honourable men ive ever met. theyre not all gun totin’, right-wing fundamentalist lunatics.
I have, it looks pretty good. Although it’s got Paris Hilton in it hasn’t it? Hopefully Bill Mosely will make up for that.
Is it Mosely or Moseley? Probably Moseley.
Everyone I know who is Christian is nice, down to Earth and enjoys taking the piss out of extremists as well. I’m agnostic and we all agree to disagree.
Every Christian I know is a holy rollin’, tongue talkin’, born again, rifle toatin’ gay hatin’, screaming son of a Baptist.
*grabs protest placards*
*boards Bus to abortion clinic*
I didn’t see it Mingles, got to download it at some point.
I’m preparing for the sadly inevitable loss of The Wire (am on Season 5, Ep. 2) by downloading Pennies From Heaven and The Singing Detective to watch again, following the tit-telly Friday question comments.
The Singing Detective – the one about the bloke in a coma, SH? They made a film of it did they?
“Originally, Darren Bousman refused to hold an audition for Paris Hilton. Once he gave in to the idea, she showed up and “rocked” the soundbooth audition.”
Well if she was good enough for him maybe she will be okay.
I’ve never seen The Wire, is it as good as everyone says? Cops and robbers type stuff is it?
SH: I got to that stage. I thought I’d watch the first episode of the first series to see how it all began, and found myself sucked straight back in. It all makes a lot more sense second time round.
Cops and robbers type stuff is it?
Sort of.
I bet it does. Power of hindsight.
Subtitles help too, but I feel like I’m cheating.
TS: It’s the television series of the film point break.
I probably wouldn’t like it then.
Yeah, you do lose some of the suspense and the ‘what the fuck is happening’ factor but there are advantages. In the first series I wasn’t familiar with the lingo and little differences like knowing what hoppers are makes a bit of difference.
That’s right, SH. Don’t talk to me about the singing detective even though the original looks brilliant and I’m desperate to know if my memory of reading a review for a remake was correct.
“The opening theme is “Way Down in the Hole”, a gospel- and blues-inspired song originally written by Tom Waits for his 1987 album Franks Wild Years.”
You cant watch the wire with subtitles SH. thats sacrilage.
Having watched all 5 series unaided I feel totally confident that, despite being a white scottish guy, I now speak the lingo like a native and could easily walk amongst da homies un-noticed.
In fact, my other website gulliblemiddleclasswhitepeople.com is currently running trips to Baltimore for an authentic Wire Weekend: mugging, drive-by shooting and a night in the cells. All for a mere £5000.
So they have ghetto to english subtitles, that sounds awesome.
“You trippin’ homes.”
“I disagree strongly.”
The Singing Detective was fun if you liked tits, eczema and old songs from the olden days. It’s got Val Kilmer’s ex-wife in it, dressed as a nurse lathering up Michael Gambon’s old fella. Nearly exploded when I saw that in the 80s.
ok. film version of the singing detective… we are not amused.
over here (sweden) tv pundits made a “greatest tv production ever” list and posh twattery, recently re-made for sinister fashion purposes, “brideshead revisited” came out on the number one spot. i think it was three years ago, when critics had not yet decided that the wire was the best thing since sliced bread. something for the friday list, eh?
The Wire, The Wire, The fucking Wire. The amount you lot and everyone else bangs on about this overrated show is getting fucking tiresome. It’s not that great.
Swineshead Revisited I’d pay to watch. None of this fountain homoerotica though…
Does your game start tomorrow Napoleon? Can I play?
My game does indeed start tomorrow, Tombstone. By all means join in, but remember you can be DISQUALIFIED at the drop of a hat in my games.
You’ll also have to bring your own horse.
What do I have to do?
Ho ho! You’ve clearly never played one of my games before. ‘What do I have to do,’ he says!
i really liked the harbour plot (season 2 and) and the season about the crack house (season 3?). then i got scared away by the ggulliblemiddleclasswhitepeople.com crowd. too bad. i miss it.
Clearly, I can’t see myself lasting very long. I assume I’ll just turn up on a pink pony and have you shout “disqualified” at me.
Harbour plot? What is this the Famous Five?
t0tali blyton.
Not necessarily. A chap called Wankslipper ended up coming third in my last game. He was amazed, as I usually disqualify him within seconds of him joining in. You never know, Tombstone, play you cards right and you could soon be walking on Mars.
That’s right – Mars!
Will you be drinking moonshine while you moderate this ‘game’?
Drinking? No! I’ll be too busy making sure shitbags like you don’t cheat.
Can I mention The Wire at this point?
I heard it’s underrated.
do we win a date with your sista?
Charlie beat me to it.
SH: I think Napoleon said he was going to do a game about the wire, because he loves it so much.
Swineshead – The Wire’s a television show, that’s all. Deadwood was better as it had Lovejoy in it with a moustache. In fact, Lovejoy was even better than The Wire or Deadwood as it also had Lovejoy in it doing Lovejoy stuff.
Mingles – Afraid not. You either win the chance to be the first man on Mars, or a brand new 1975 four door family saloon.
The Perry household are a good stock, judging from that picture. If I had my way I’d breed you like cattle for my own purposes.
I’m aggoraphobic and I don’t drive, can I have a date with your sister instead?
Lovejoy beats anything else on the TV, so argument accepted.
Deadwood was a hell of a TV show. Although they always swore, and in those days you’d probably go to prison for saying the word ‘mimbles’.
I’ve taken that picture down as you lot can’t focus.
Where are you going on your travels Charlie?
It’s still there.
dudley sutton in lovejoy looked very much like an elderly paedophile mick hucknall:
http://www.geofftech.co.uk/50pence/photos/dudleysutton.jpg
though Im sure hes a lovely man. possibly.
secret government business tombstone.
*packs sniper rifle*
swearengen for president. but i’ve heard that the swearing is historically correct.
I bring my daughter up to distrust christians. It’s my right.
The gun is her choice….
I’ve just had a bacon sandwich, and now I’m tucking into a bag of Seabrook’s crisps. After that, I’m having a bottle of Lucozade.
I never thought life would be this exciting when I was a lad …
I’ve just had a medium BigMac meal with a Coke, now I’m chewing gum. Exciting times.
Sod you all. I’ve just had two cox’s apples and a Laughing Cow and tomato sandwich – all washed down with semi-skimmed milk and two half-inched sports mixture sweets.
MacDonalds, eh?
Muck.
I has fusilli (sp) with oven cooked veg in a creamt sauce with a cheesy breadcrumb(s) topping. It could have done without the breadcrumb(s)
Dave’s meal is simultaneously cheaper and healthier.
We have a winner.
Indeed it was. Won’t stop me eating there again tomorrow though.
Two apples, insanity.
Do you get extra points if you ate a slice of Battenberg?
*Hopes for Battenberg bonus*
I had a salad from a cafe. It was overpriced.
And some crisps.
And a Milky Bar.
Could’ve done without the Milky Bar.
Battenberg = minus points.
DEDUCTION.
Who’d have thought this would turn into some kind of game. Is this what it will be like tomorrow Nap?
I think we all know who had the most rubbish lunch *beams proudly*
Sort of, Tombstone. Only more frustrating.
How come I’ve not won the lunch game? A bacon sandwich beats a bloody apple hands down.
I think it was a who had the healthiest/cheapest lunch.
I’ve not evaluated your points yet, NC.
What kind of bacon was it? Walls or some independent or…supermarket’s own?
And the spread – utterly butterly was it?
Nick T was disqualified for eating student food, by the way.
Smoked back bacon from my local butcher’s. The bread was a Co-Op batch roll, and the spread was Clover. And I had brown sauce on it (HP).
The Co Op batch roll sadly sees you fall short. You could’ve won if you’d not mentioned that – Co-Op’s a shithole.
Dave – Winner
NC – 2nd place
Tombstone – Loser
Nick T – Disqualified
Swine – Exempt
Cooked by students only avaulable for staff *beams*
£3
Yay I’m third! Bronze!
Them rolls are nice. I’m not happy about being beaten by Dave and his shitty meal. I’ll be DISQUALIFYING the bastard for that.
New series this sunday, History of the Guitar BBC1 22.20.
*salivates*
*late count and hasty re-evaluation*
It turns out Co Ops improved its standards and NC beats Dave to the top spot.
Well done, NC.
*wonders how the complete stranger, Mr Tits will fare tomorrow*
You monsters.
That’s more like it! I shall still DISQUALIFY Dave, but you’ll be amazed how far that sort of fawning will get the mysterious Mr. Tits.
I eat shit covered in sugar for £100 pound a portion.
BPPerry doesn’t even have a proper job so he doesn’t count in all this, surely?
He works in his pants.
I believe the only rules were who had the healthiest/cheapest lunch.
Interesting… not that I’m remotely interested in Tits’s progress.
Weird – the above Mr. Tits has the same ISP number as Dave.
Conclusion – Dave’s a dirty racist twat.
And that’s a bad thing, Dave? You’d kill to not have a proper job, let’s face it. Enjoying that call-centre job, are you? Answering the phone for rubbish money, are we? You skint drone.
*draws cartoon in pants*
There are rules?
Don’t churn that old chesnut up again, Swineshead. You’re the one that was typing about Mohammed and tits yesterday, not I.
Besides, my meal was economical and healthy for the tum tum.
Fuck off , NC. You know that jealousy was well implied in my comment.
I miss KFC.
I loved that guy…..
You just advertised KFC, you’re working for them!
*buys a tombstone*