It’s here!
Almost.
(Edit – it actually is here now – Ep. 1 reviewed over here)
By now you’ll be well aware that the new series of The Apprentice begins on the 25th of March.
As has become the tradition, the BBC have issued some scant but tantalising details about the runners and riders. So let’s have a look at them, here and now – and make some wildly speculative judgements on their good character while we do so.
Anita Shah
Anita is inspired by James Caan, it says here, so she’ll be the one stroking her beard in a warehouse, too nervous to invest in anything. She ‘can make impactful statements’ she adds. I’m not sure if ‘impactful’ is a proper word, so she’s made an impact right from the off with this year’s first taste of language-mangling, or ‘langling’ as I like to call it, impactfully.
Ben Clarke
Viewers of HBO’s The Wire will know Ben from his role as Democrat candidate (and, latterly, Mayor of Baltimore) Tommy Carcetti. Ben states that ‘making money is better than sex’ – the sort of claim that demonstrates the speaker is a one-minute-man.
Debra Barr
Firstly – that’s not how you spell ‘Deborah’. Secondly, any woman with ‘a passion for business and a love of horses’ is instantly terrifying. Add all this to the cold eyes of a killer, and Debra’s already looking like a candidate to fear.
Howard Ebison
Howard’s an award-winning dancer, apparently – so expect a few jokes at his expense from Alan Sugar – the ultimate man’s man. A part qualified CIMA (Management) Accountant, Howard looks a little bit like Ben Mitchell off Eastenders in this promo shot, minus the hearing aid.
James McQuillan
James is a former child chess champion and a football fan. His profile doesn’t feature any incriminating quotes, so it’s possible this fellow’s a Lee McQueen type. But we won’t know until we tune in.
Kate Walsh
Kate says she has ‘the ability to sustain business relationships at all levels’ – and I haven’t the foggiest what that’s about. She’s ‘highly motivated’ and has ‘really achieved within a corporate environment across sales, marketing and a number of different aspects of business’. Yes, Kate – but what does that actually MEAN?
Kimberly Davis
Kimberly’s an American – but ‘not a typical New Yorker’, which is a stereotype she says she’s faced. I don’t know what a typical New Yorker is. A hot dog vendor? A cab driver? George Costanza? She’s an accomplished musician and dancer, so should there be a musical round, her and Howard can team up and really impress with an all-singing, all-dancing song and dance.
Lorraine Tighe
The obligatory single-mother, Sugar will no doubt be onside with Lorraine as she’s had more life experience and has ‘had a very hard time’. She sums up her attitude to business as the ability to drive a dead horse to the winning line – which is pretty much what’s expected of her here – so good luck pushing those moribund equines to disaster, Lorraine.
Majid Nagra
Majid is a Business Development Manager who got expelled from school. Sadly no details are forthcoming regarding his expulsion – do they kick kids out for ’schmoozing and bullshitting’? He runs youth charities and has his own car hire business and the papers point to the fact that he might be a source of comedy.
Mona Lewis
‘Former beauty queen’, it says here. Mona’s also not educated beyond her A Levels, and that lack of formal education will probably chime with Sugar. She says she wants to do this for her son, so expect much hand-wringing about wanting to provide her boy with the kind of opportunities she never had, etc…
Noorul Choudhury
Confusingly, Noorul has a CIM qualification – he’s a chartered marketer – but he works as a science teacher. A strange career change that, considering the CIM is bloody difficult to get. He also deals in cliches, believing himself to be ‘feisty’, ‘ambitious’ and ‘driven’. Interviewing this lot must’ve got terrible repetitive.
Paula Jones
There’s often a mental redhead – remember Jo and last year’s Jennifer? – and ’scatter-brained’ Paula looks like she might be there to fill that slot. She was born and raised in Wallsall, so we can look forward to editing that mocks her outrageous Brummie accent.
Phillip Taylor
Phillip has the generic sales-face. Notice the complete lack of character and the identikit haircut. Completely unremarkable. But it’s very early days – for all I know he’s a genius and a wit, but on the strength of this quote: “Business is the new rock ’n’ roll and I’m Elvis Presley”, chances are he’s not.
Rocky Andrews
‘Rocky’??
Seriously – ‘Rocky’??
Apparently ‘Rocky’ is on £100,000 per year already – so his only reason for appearing is good, ol’ fashioned showing off. He owns a chain of sandwich shops after leaving a promising career in football due to injury. God knows why he’s taking part.
Yasmina Siadatan
Going by this photo, Yasmina looks to be quite suitable for television. Her profile blurb hasn’t annoyed me at all, and I’m not sure if that’s because of her presentable photo. It probably is.
Go Yasmina!
* * *
And that’s your lot. All of last year’s Apprentice reviews are here. if you’re feeling nostalgic.
See you on the morning of the 26th.
239 Comments
“Business is the new rock ’n’ roll and I’m Elvis Presley”.
This worries me…I thought it was cooking!
(Perhaps a Friday question there Swines, if ……. is the new rock n’ roll which band/singer would you be?).
Should be a formality at Wembley for the Superblues. (why do they feel compelled to play the semis at Wembley?).
Looking forward to the Champions League draw.
I’d say a typical New Yorker is Judd Hirsch off of Taxi.
Now then. My money’s on Rocky to win this. If you’ve seen the films ‘Rocky’, ‘Rocky II’, ‘Rocky III’, ‘Rocky IV’, Rocky V’ and ‘Rocky Balboa’, you’ll know people with the name ‘Rocky’ always win. Except in ‘Rocky’ and ‘Rocky Balboa’, where he doesn’t win. But anyway …
Do you think his name really is Rocky?
“Should be a formality at Wembley for the Superblues. (why do they feel compelled to play the semis at Wembley?).
Looking forward to the Champions League draw.”
Instantly, 90% of WWM readers switch off.
DINLT – Yes. He looks young enough to be born after parents ceased to be sensible and became imbeciles who’ll name a child ‘Storm’, ‘Thunder’ or, indeed, ‘Rocky’.
Oh come on once they’re here football takes a nosedive.
aaah, it was the apprentice reviews that got me reading this blog, because i was missing out, and just wanted to catch up. Almost the anniversary if you will.
Oh dear though, this looks like quite a shower. I am absolutely convinced that Louise Tighe has been in something before. Quite hard to forget that nose.
Can i also say there is nothing wrong with liking horses. Especially if it could be argued that you (or in this case Debra) would fit in as well within the herd as riding it…
The Guardian (yes, the Guardian NC, i read the Guardian, suck it up!) was reporting yesterday that the Apprentice had been credit crunched this year, so we will not be able to look forward to the hilarious episode where they all go off to some foregin market and try to barter with them in pidgeon English and faux French. Shame that.
I always chuckle at the episode of The Simpsons when Homer changes his name to Max Power.
Yes – Mikey- keep off the football till at least 3pm, for God’s sake. I’m not replying to your (admittedly decent) footie queries on principle. Please talk about The Apprentice for as long as you can muster – it’s this website’s bread and butter after all.
I’m of the belief that reading only the Guardian as a daily paper will melt your mind, so I temper it with a copy of The Times. Or I just don’t read the paper.
This makes you a brain-washed leftie and me an all-rounder. Do you see?
Mel – It depends how much you like horses, doesn’t it? There’s liking horses, and then there’s really liking horses. Eh? Eh?
SH, i also read the Torygraph for balance, and then occaisionally the Hate Mail, if i have run out of manga.
i find every single one of these people’s faces hideously worrying. there’s a frightening mix of bulldog jaw, grossly uneven features, disturbing determination mixed with blanking synapses, and what the fuck is with all the sideways looks at the camera, apprentices?
also aren’t they all just a tad old to be apprentices. if they’ve not made it by now they never will.
i must admit i very rarely watch this show, but for the last year or two i’ve not needed to. thankyou WWM. thankyou.
also, i got an email on facebook from ‘cammy’. did y’all?
Nappers, this is the Apprentice, not Equus.
Did anyone else get a weird email from the WWM facebook group?
Sorry but I hold ‘prentice in the same high esteem as Big Brother.
Too many idiots doing idiotic things for too long.
Nick, you have also successfully managed to describe the WWM comments section on any given day there too.
I am not a facebook fan, so no obscure e-mails for me. Just one about my appraisal, that i am trying to ignore…
oh, and i like horses. love them, actually, in a non-sexy way.
and my aunt’s name is debra. spelt debra. it sort of sounds like a countryside affiliation, debra (department of environmental big red agriculture, for example), but it’s ok.
her name is debra (debra?), it never suited her…
I also like horses in a similar non-sexual way Breeks. I also happen to think that Debra bears a striking resemblance to a Welsh cob.
Your Debra affiliation made me do a ROFFLE.
oh, might i just add that when at the pub last night with my cool housemate, chatting about the Uncool Housemate, we were lucky enough to be sat next to Dec (without Ant), that Liz wotserface chick from atomic kitten, antony costa and a few other tall blokes i heard doing blow in the dunnies.
brilliant.
i’m well lucky, i can’t tell you.
What was the conclusion that you reached? Re the Uncool flatmate.
It must be like Stellar Street round your way. Who would have known that Chiswick would be such a magnet for the stars?
yeah, it’s brill. we saw emma someone what was a newsreader, too, recently. eating somewhere we were eating. can’t remember. and rageh omaar has been doing a bit of work on his front door this week. tops.
re: uncool flatmate – well, i looked at a couple 1-beds last night and me and cool housemate got slightly oiled up and decided to tell Uncool Housemate tonight that ‘it’s not us, it’s you, it’s just not working out’ but this morning with mild hangovers and a lack of ball-age we’re trying to yet again fix the situation by doing nothing.
failing that i might be in with the old lady’s flat i saw last night which is big, near where i live now, and is furnished with a single bed. *sigh*
I think I once upset Breeks in a pub, talking about horses. Or at least made her a bit pissed off.
I can’t remember very well as I was pumped up on highly alcoholised lager at the time…
I’ve got brain-ache.
Ooh, delightful. A single bed. That sounds ominous. There’ll be no gentlemen callers, and no visitors at all after 8pm. Hope that she doesn’t live anywhere near…
i still have a video of that night, SH, which has your mate-from-home on it too.
you’re singing ‘australia’ by the manics. not well but impassioned.
i OWN you.
I dislike horses as they are vicious vindictive bastards.
They demonstrated this behaviour during a holiday in Spain when I was 8.
I fully expect a new ITV show where 2 flatmates think of different ways of evicting their unliked male counterpart.
Hosted by Ant & Dec naturally.
nick t – brilliant. i can commission the freelance ITV to produce it, no? and get mr breeks to sort the rest as he’s in that line of work. meeja. bah.
Oi SH, someone has hacked into the WWM facebook group and is sending spam, not of the greasy kind. Cammy Stevenson is the name of the culprit.
Phil’s claim that if business is the new rock ‘n’ roll, he’s Elvis Presley doesn’t make sense. Surely, seeing as Elvis was rock ‘n’ roll’s king, that title would go to Wal-Mart owner Robson Walton? Indeed, if we delve further into Phil’s bizarre delusion, this new rock ‘n’ roll’s Buddy Holly would be Bill Gates, and its Little Richard would somebody like … erm … Warren Buffet? Even the impactfully-haired Donald Trump would only scrape in as a Big Bopper or a Richie Valence.
Moving over to our side of the pond, the likes of Sugar could only dream of being Cliff Richard, as that honour would go to steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal. Sugar, indeed, would count himself lucky to be known as the Joe Brown of this new rock ‘n’ roll.
So, bearing all that in mind, what figure from rock ‘n’ roll history is best suited to a nondescript game show entrant who’s competing with several other wallies to win a job at AMSTRAD?
The bloke who made Bill Haley’s sandwiches?
richie valence, obv.
Bastard – I can’t be bothered with dealing with that, Nick – I’ve got brain ache.
Can you report her? I don’t have the password for that account any more…
i followed ‘cammy’s’ link. it’s shit. i did it on a work computer, too.
Breeks – wasn’t the same night. That was in Pool Bar, but the horseplay occurred in Angel – that theatre bar. I’ve got quite a good memory for a man with brain ache.
Napoleon – that comment was more or less a whole Just a Thought,
What’s the matter with you SH – do you have manflu? Or a hangover from St Patrick?
I have the latter
I don’t drink, Mel – it’s a lack of sleep in addition to staying up late watching a recorded football match.
*falls unconscious*
Also Naps, is he suggesting that it is only rock n’ roll that can be included in the business world. I mean wahta bout, Blues, Reggae, Rap (as you see on Top of the Pops) et al?
God they look like a dreadful bunch. Airbrushed within an inch of their lives, yet still look all weirdz.
With regard to ridiculous cvs, I was laughing at a tender bid we put in for a v big project yesterday. Coz it was so big we had to go in with another company and because the job was in Scotchland they like to have some Scotchlanders in on the job. Well flicking through the cv section of their half of the document I came across one bloke who under the qualifications section wrote ‘Professional footballer. Played for Motherwell FC, Rangers FC and Scotchland.’ In his ACTUAL cv… that was not a joke.
*sighs*
Oh, i wish i didn’t drink too SH. But then i usually say that on the day after St Patrick’s day.
If it was recorded, why didn’t you just watch it at a more convenient hour?
DINLT – They always say something’s the new rock ‘n’ roll, don’t they? Eventually nobody’s going to have the faintest idea what that means.
Mel – There’s a solution to your problem: Stop celebrating someone else’s saint’s day.
I had to know the result, Mel – I didn’t want that cheeky hyperactive bloke on Breakfast telling me what happened as I drank my morning tea. (We won)
If i cruised up to Siralun and said look “I am the Youssou n’ Dour of the business world”, would he say. “Sorry mate that’s not rock n’ roll …you’re fired!”.
The Apprentice confuses me. All the contestants come across as moronic plebs who don’t know their arses from their elbows yet are obviously highly astute, tenacious little business-minded rascals.
The format’s confusing.
Caption that just came onscreen to introduce today’s Trisha (I had to rewind to confirm I wasn’t imaginerising it):
“I haven’t raped her”
DEFENSIVE PHIL
This is the new rock and roll.
I wrote it last night http://www.reverbnation.com/tunepak/1276972
Nappers – he is half my saint too, and it is my usual custom to celebrate this as a precursor to my actual brthday. This year, it fell on a wednesday – hence going out and celebrating at the weekend instead.
My Irish great aunt would always put 50p on dsome three legged creature in the Gold Cup for my birthday too. She would choose the horse wirth the longest odds, and then send me the ticket. They are all still running. Unlike my Great Aunt, who passed away earlier this year. I miss her, she was brilliantly eccentric.
DINLT – I don’t think he’d appreciate that at all. In fact, Sugar strikes me as not liking music at all. Like most successful businessmen, he’s far too busy to listen to or know anything about music. For evidence of how music and business don’t mix, see: Hamfatter / Jones, Peter.
I reckon if Phil told Sugar he was the Elvis of the business world, Alan would ask him who the hell he was talking about, and then start shouting that nobody makes a monkey out of him, even though he looks like a wizened old monkey in a suit.
Yes how are Hamfatter doing? I see Levi has brought some sauces out.
Yes how are Hamfatter doing? I see Levi has brought some more sauces out.
I haven’t seen the Hit Parade in a while, but I imagine Hamfatter are somewhere near the top.
Hamfatter are still supporting high school bands in Academy 3s across the land at 3pm on a third Thursday of the month, DINLT.
sh. – angel? hmmm. ah. was it r’s birthday? hmmm. so many drunk nights. so long ago.
thank god i’m an adult now.
also, couldn’t you just have fast forwarded to the end of the soccer game – fast track your way to sleep.
(i went to uni, i’m quite smart).
Is there a new series of Dragons Den scheduled?
Mel – Usually DD turns up a couple of months after The Apprentice finishes.
Cheers Nappers
Are we going to do our first live Twitter to mark the opening episode of The Apprentice?
DINLT – please, god, no….
I want that pen on Gems tv
The Times is reporting that one of the Apprentice cast has quit already.
they did quit before the promos – there were 16 twit-victims to begin with.
Yeah I saw that too Mel. It got me thinking though that in previous series’ the filming seemed to be with autumnal backdrops. So are they filming it more near the actual showing of the program, or was I merely wrong in my initial assumption?
Ah i see. Cheers Breeks i had considered opening a book. That would have been a waste of time -eh?
Tricia is riveting, must watch!!!
“did my jealous brother in law steal my overcoat”?
The brother’s claiming to be the ‘optional owner’ of the coat. I don’t understand what that means.
Maybe he has shares in the coat Nappers?
The sister has consulted the dead and the spirits have told her her brother has stolen her other brother’s coat.
Good god, where do they find these people?
i am actually despairing at this trish commentary.
*despairs*
It gets better and better
This is special though breeks, I promise
Tricia has a face like a broken vase
Mel – It’s a tangled tale is this. It boils down to whether Brother 1 swapped his cheap coat for Brother 2’s expensive coat. One coat cost £100, the other £12.50 from OXFAM. Meanwhile, the spirits are siding with Brother 2, according to their sister who’s ‘got this feeling’ after being talked at by the dead whilst driving along the motorway.
*gently weeps at the thought of her interesting anecdote being completely ignored – even DINLT and SH who supposedly like football*
Breeks – You need to lighten up, love. This Tricia business is miles better than your crappy Masterchef flaff.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/hampshire/7950303.stm
Jesus, poor sod
trisha was, once, a well respected children’s tv presenter in oz.
then she went mentalist and crazy and ended up returning to the uk where she could present ‘real’ telly.
*still despairs*
Clarry, welcome to my world….
Now Brother 2’s saying Brother 1 hasn’t brought the allegedly stolen coat to the studio. He’s brought a similar coat to deceive Brother 2. No word from the dead as yet.
*removes cloak of invisibility*
Hi Nick!
This has to be the best one yet. A ghost is telling a sister that someone may have someone elses coat, and a brother got scared by said ghost along the motorway?
Have i been in a coma for the 2 weeks following St Paddy’s day, and have now woken up on April Fools’ day?
naps – true enough. trisha is, at least, about really important stuff. stuff that keeps people alive. stuff like what food isn’t.
I can’t wait for them to come back for a lie detector. WTF is “The Truth Chair?” Is it like the naughty step?
Hey Clarry, so…this anecdote
And talking to the dead Breeks, don’t forget that one.
Do people really beleive in that nonsense?
i.e. does the sister look genuine? Or a bit speshul?
I don’t even believe in the dead Mel.
They’re just faking it…
I’ll try again…
With regard to ridiculous cvs (cleverly bringing the convo back to the Apprentice, like what we’re supposed to be talking about), I was laughing at a tender bid we put in for a v big project yesterday. Coz it was so big we had to go in with another company and because the job was in Scotchland they like to have some Scotchlanders in on the job. Well flicking through the cv section of their half of the document I came across one bloke who under the qualifications section wrote ‘Professional footballer. Played for Motherwell FC, Rangers FC and Scotchland.’ In his ACTUAL cv… that was not a joke.
And the job *wasn’t* to be a professional footballer. He was just showing off and needed to fill out the otherwise blank section.
there are entire shows dedicated to weird looking dudes who ‘hear’ the dead and ’share’ their messages.
fuck’s sake. i’m a bit angry.
Breeks – Food keeps you alive, yes, but that’s no reason to show it being cooked and eaten on television. There’s loads of stuff that keeps you alive we don’t watch on TV – shitting, for example. If we didn’t shit, our bowels would rupture and we’d die. Should that be on TV? Shitting? Because it keeps you alive?
On the other hand, watching two people arguing over a stolen coat is just the sort of thing we should see more of on our screens. Beats three morons cooking some food for two other morons to eat for the chance to win a title that means nothing.
Clarry, what a delightful tale of recruitment. Did he mention any conversations he may/may not have had with deceased persons?
I do hope that Trisha isn’t jumping the shark, like that Jerry Springer did. You couldn’t get on that programme at all unless you were violent, and and sexual predilections for midgets/horses/women that can breastfeed you.
God knows, i tried enough timmes.
Mel – Was there a time when Jerry Springer wasn’t like that? I came to the Springer party late, so didn’t know it used to be sensible.
when you put it like that, naps…
*eats food bought from iceland*
Thanks Mel.
*removes fingers from electric socket*
No, unfortunately he didn’t elaborate on any talents her may or may not have for conversing with dead people. Maybe if he had we’d have got the job…
We’ve all made up stuff on our cvs haven’t we?
Guyz?
*performs brain surgery*
Didn’t Ramsey lie about playing fooball?
Trisha’s been axed, you fools! Is this a telly blog or a creche for bored people?
anyone remember donohue?
now that was a show. i loved phil, me.
I used to do recruitment too Clarry, and it used to make me despair reading the CVs of some of the no marks. I too would probably have given them a chance if one of them had written ‘can talk to dead people’ on their CV.
NC – well it was always with unstable people that were likely to go off at one another, but it did used to be about paternity tests and such, before it becameabout all men that like to wear nappies cheating on their wife with their second cousin/ grandmother.
Nick – i have never made stuff up oion my cv, but i have made stuff up for others to make them look more impressive. Worked every time, they always got an itnerview. After that though, it was down to them.
Dave – Trisha’s not been axed, has it? Where’ve you heard this? Or is this another of your ‘hilarious’ little deceptions? Like when you pretended to be a woman and everyone found the experience sickening?
Nick – He did genuinely play professional football for club and country. It just wasn’t entirely appropriate to bring it up in a cv for a job that was a very prestigious heritage project. For example when you applied for your job as a *ahem* brain surgeon I doubt you’d have put grade 7 guitar certificate under the qualifications bit.
I aren’t in recruitment Mel.
clarry – i don’t know. on my cv still lives the fact that in 1999 i was selected as an australian youth ambassador for international development. i didn’t go to cambodia as arranged, tho. i went to work instead.
still, its on there.
http://news.google.co.uk/news?hl=en&q=trisha%20axed&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wn
And I didn’t find the experience sickening, I found it empowering.
Nick – Every CV I’ve written has been a pack of lies. According to the last CV I wrote to get a job in an arcade eleven years ago, I’m a Cambridge graduate who spent three years fighting insurgents in Angola, and my hobbies and interests include shoplifting and benefit fraud.
Mel – When I’ve watched it, it’s been twenty five minutes of beeping noises over images of a grotesquely overweight lesbian stripping down to her birthday suit and then having a fight with a cancerous-looking black man.
Breeks – Yeah but it’s fine to put something like that on your cv as you a) might be able to say that some of the skills were transferable or b) you had some ACTUAL qualifications that were relevant, and the fact that you were selected an australian youth ambassador for international development was the icing on the cake. Ja?
However, this man was being put forward as a project supervisor of a multi million pound contract – all the others had MScs in Construction management and Pg Dips in Project management. In his section he wrote professional footballer, nothing else.
Right. I’m off to dig a hole in the ground.
I’d employ him for that, Clarry. Sounds like the sort of fella you could go for a pint with after work. Mind you, him being Scotch would mean you’d be the one shelling out the money for the booze.
so. who’ll qualify as the gary glitter of the business world?
Indy – Fuck knows? Are there any famous business glam rocker / paedophiles out there?
…or the keith richards?
Dis are him:
http://www.followfollow.com/news/loadfeat.asp?cid=ED31&id=279651
The Keith Richards of the business world? Gerald Ratner? He looks like an alcoholic to me. Either that or he’s got The AIDS.
clarry – fair dos. i always hope people’ll be impressed by it but not ask me what it means as i have no fucking idea.
oh dear – http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7949077.stm
What the hell’s ‘Holistic Governance’? Hippy rule?
But half of those are just normal words. That’ll make conversation in the workplace problematic.
‘Predictors of Beaconicity’ – perhaps they could be the Gary Glitters of the business world?
Is ‘impactful’ on that list?
There is a man in this office not wearing socks. I’m disgusted
I’m wearing short trainer socks!
Racey eh?
Steady ladies
P – Agreed. That is an awful look or the sign of a single man who has no clean socks left.
Perhaps he’s allergic to socks? You’d be surprised at what folk are allergic to nowadays, the pack of attention-seeking liars.
maybe he’s feeling frisky on account of the sunshine outside.
P.S Back to Apprentice. I think that they could have thought of a reason to get the mighty Raef into this series, as an advisor or something.
piqued: what kind of office lets a sockless man in? scandal…
“Mightly?”
He, RALF, was on that Come Dine With ME “celebrity” special.
He was a twat and got one of his posh mates to do all the hard work.
nick – i actually thought he came off ok on CDWE. sorry.
None of this new lot look a patch on Raef, Clarry. There is, however, the slim chance that Rocky – with his chain of sandwich shops and £100,000 a year salary – could be this year’s Tre Azam if his CV turns out to be a pack of lies. Which it undoubtedly will be when it’s discovered he works at Subway for £1000 a month.
Really breaks?
Wow.
May be of interest.
Ratings
More people watched Antiques Roadshow than The One Show
More people watched Piers Morgan with Jordan than Fulham vs Man United
More people watched Total Wipeout than The Bill…..
I loved Raef. He was/is ace. His interests include cognac for Christ’s sake…
Sadly I missed the sleb CDWM. Worrit good? I love that prog.
Indy, it’s an outrage. He’s wearing them with those tan Moccasins like he’s about to get on a Vespa to go and meet some girls in the bar by the beach, the bar is probably called Bar Visioni, or Bar Blu or something and all the girls are laughing and drinking Spritzers one imagines.
Gracious, he’s not shaved either. I feel like hitting him in his nuts.
Oliver Reed’s interests included cognac, and it’s a matter of public record that he was an arsehole, Clarry.
In reality, Raef was a fuckwit who couldn’t tell his arse from his elbow even if you’d taped a sign saying ‘ELBOW’ to his elbow, and another to his arse saying ‘ARSE’. He also looked like the love-child of Freddie Mercury and Hugh Grant.
That said, he wasn’t as bad as that Paul creature. Was it Paul? The slimey one wot kept avoiding getting fired and who pretended to be Jewish even though he didn’t know what kosher meant? Was it Paul? WAS IT?
Calm down NC… by the way, you cleaned your teeth this morning?
Piqued – Piss off, there’s good lad.
Well there’s not need for that death breath
(’no need’ of course, I’m being distracted by male ankles)
Piqued – Up yours!
Now then. I agree with Cher. There’s not enough love and understanding. NOT ENOUGH.
NC – I know who you mean but can’t remember his name. He had a Greek sounding surname. I’m desperately trying to remember the names of my favourite CDWM people – the woman who fell asleep at the table and the man who forgot all the ingredients and complained of having a headache because people kept talking over each other. That was the best episode ever.
It was Michael Sophocles btw. What a fucking tool
Michael Sophocles!
piqued – i’d avoid his nuts if i were you. bound to be shaved, unlike his face.
!
Damn you P, I just found that and then founf you’d found it first. Can anyone find out my mystery telly people please?
Michael, that was it. He made for entertaining, if tear-your-hair-out, television.
i am currently eating pineapple.
fact.
Tommy bloody Carcetti?
So he was jsut interested in lining his own pockets after all…
Nice to see the Pope damning condoms in Africa. That would have made an excellent Comic Relief appeal.
I’ll say this for the Catholic church, they’re consistant (consistantly insane).
I support the pope’s stance. With his help, we can realisitcally help increase the spread AIDs around all of Africa by 2012.
That is what we’re trying to do, isn’t it? Increase AIDs?
yes. NGO aids, mostly…
Excelsior – That’ll sort out the African AIDS pandemic.
Ugeine – It’s ‘AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Actually, it’s ‘The AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Or ‘The AIDs’.
Cheers, Napoleon.
They will all go to heaven though….
who will? priests? I very much doubt that one Nick
A lot of publicity about this actress who banged her head in Canada. Reckon it’s more serious than they (the meeja) are making out.
Who the hell is she?
Unlike the homesexuals, unbaptised babies and suicides
She’s married to Liam Neeson, best known as ‘your dad’ in Fallout 3 or Schindler in Schindler’s List.
are homesexuals gays who only go gay when in their own homes?
Nick – She is clinically brain dead apparently, according to the popbitch.
Natasha Richardson, daughter of Vanessa Redgrave. Wife of Liam Neeson.
Nick – She’s Joely Richardson’s sister, Vanessa Redgrave’s daughter. Joely got her tits out in Lady Chatterley’s Lover, and failed to get them out in 101 Dalmations. Natasha got ‘em out in something, but I can’t remember what. Rupert Everett was in it.
Ugeine – You’re welcome.
Excelsior, they have abolished hell for unbaptised babies, and limbo and that.
they did? what if you’re an AIDs baby?
Oh so God was wrong before was He? Fickle bastard.
Breeks – leave my spelling be, i partied heartedly last night
Well excelsior, i thik Ratzinger changed god’s mind foor him.
The Catholic Church – the bastion of sense and consistency since the middle ages.
Breeks – It’s ‘AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Actually, it’s ‘The AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Or ‘The AIDs’
it’s whatever the fuck i want it to be, nappers. step away from the virus.
“who says AIDS guys can’t do tough stuff?”
Breeks – No it’s not because you’re a woman. Y’see, it’s ‘AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Actually, it’s ‘The AIDS’, not ‘AIDs’. Or ‘The AIDs’
Sure they can, Excel.
I’m not just sure, I’m HIV Positive.
I don’t think babies with AIDS go to hell. What a lovely topic of conversation, you awful people.
I’d never heard of this actress before either. How could God be so cruel? We’ve got enough on our plate pre-grieving poor old Jade, for fuck’s sake.
i am sure the braindead actress was in summat with lindsay lohan. remake of the parent trap. or whatever. yeah. dennis quaid. that one.
i’ve seen it. she wasn’t brain dead in it but i kind of was after the movie ended. do not watch it.
And Darth Vader/the Green X Code Man has had treatment for prostate cancer, and there was poor old Wendy Richard.
Ratziinger has abolished Limbo, so no babies go to hell. Actually, neither does anyone else. hell being, as it is, a fictitious place made up to keep the believers in line.
Swineshead – It’s the Catholics wot send The AIDS babies to Hell, isn’t it?
Breeks – That had Jamie Lee Curtis in it.
naps – no it didn’t. are you freaky fridaying?
http://www.imdb.com/find?s=all&q=the+parent+trap
http://www.imdb.com/find?s=all&q=freaky+friday
I can’t think about AIDS (or ‘the AIDS’) sufferers until the end of the year at the earliest – especially not non-famous ones. I’m too busy pre-grieving Jade and Liam Neeson’s wife – the one who got her tits out in a film starring Rupert Everett according to Napoleon.
I noticed that green X man in Clockwork Orange and was treated to a story about him by someone here at work who knows him.
That prostate stuff alarms me as I’m close to the age where one has to experience the greased glove…..
Jade’s tragic circumstance has done wonders for my 2009 celebrity death pool.
http://www.stiffs.com/
jade apparently was able to ‘raise her head’ yesterday to gaze over the sunkissed essex fields. which is nice.
Dave Prowse – see also: Darth Vader.
Breeks – You’re quite right, my mistake. Still, you’re wrong about everything else …
Now then, I’m off to the Post Office.
Swineshead – I’m sure she got her tits out in a film with Rupert Everett. They weren’t as good as her sister’s tits in Lady Chatterley. The downside of seeing her sister’s tits was the amount of times you also had to see Sean Bean’s arse in the same shot.
I’m off to the fucking post office.
Is it pension day already Nappers?
Nick T, you cannot simply tell us you have a story about someone and then leave it there. Spill
naps – quite right.
http://www.officialjadegoody.co.uk/
Bloody hell, the official Jade Goody website’s edited by tasteful people.
I was about to go out and get the paper but I’ve just realised my jealous brother has stolen my overcoat.
*calls ITV*
moos – less faff that i expected.
Bt it’s alright Swines, the dead AIDS babies in hell are all telling me that he has simply borrowed it while on a visit to the dog kennels where he and Nappers used to work. He will bring it back shortly.
*calls ITV for a slot*
Oh right – thanks Mel.
*wonders what Nappers is up to at the post office*
mel – are the dead babies also telling you why they had to die when other, older and more awful people continue to live? my jesus-loving father could never answer that one.
Wasn’t that great a story Mel, otherwise I would have.
Lie detector results on Kyle…..
Nick, re Prostate examination.
Be my honour, Sir
Breeks – no point asking me, they wont have me back (not that i would try anyway) the last time i set foot in a catholic church i got frog marched out by my mum, because the priest said somehting that angered me, and she didn’t want me to bring it up with him.
Swines – buying stamps?
*squeals*
last time i went to church with my parents, and after sitting through an earnest ‘band’ comprised of middle aged men with badly tuned electric guitars singing about ‘heart’s saviour’ and ‘god’s child forever’ i then was privileged to hear a sermon about being good to my neighbour and also was encouraged to release all control to jesus as he, and only he, knows the way. the way to everything.
he didn’t know the way home out of church, that’s for sure.
I’m back from the Post Office now. To answer your queries, I was posting a birthday present, card and Mother’s Day card to my mother. All in the same envelope. Is that bad form?
Swineshead – Did you get my e-mail from earlier, by the way? I used the **************.org one.
(Swineshead has several e-mail accounts because he’s shifty, readers)
When’s Mothers Day?
Oh cripes…
*runs to Post Office*
Oh, hello … my fucking gmail’s pissing about again. Anyone else experience this problem?
Or did you all run away the minute my back was turned? Eh?
*hunts internet for secret new Napoleon-free WWM*
NC, in this time of recession I think your mother will applaud your shrewd thriftiness.
If you were my boy I would.
Swineshead – Sunday. THIS Sunday.
Shit.
Nappers – I’ll just check it. I’ve got a new email address, I’ll send you the details.
I now have five email addresses. It makes me feel important.
Piqued – You think so? Mind you, she already knows I’m a skinflint, so including everything in one envelope won’t surprise her much, I don’t imagine.
‘Shit’
My thoughts exactly. Nowadays you can’t rely on Friday’s post to deliver a Mother’s Day card for Saturday, so you’ve only got today and tomorrow to make sure you avoid wrath.
I’m sure NC, might be worth guiding the lily by directly telling her what you’ve done for the economy and indeed, the environment, whilst warmly wishing her the very best for both the days.
Or you could do like i am and go and see her. Makes mothers very happy to see their offspring.
My gmail is fine.
Piqued – I think I’ll ring her.
Mel – What? Go see her? When it’s not Christmas? Are you mad?
Nick – Mine is now.
Nobody in particular – Hello there!
Not mad at all Nappers.
well, maybe a little bit.
WHen I tried to follow the link to Jade’s site I got a ‘Our thoughts go out…. etc’ message and a donate to Cancer Research link. Nothing else. Bah!
That’s a good idea NC
I’m going to over to see and smack the harridan in the teeth with my crash helmet. It’s not like she’s suffered enough lately either.
Is ITV2s FM any good?
As it hasn’t been mentioned here I assume so.
I like those placards you see that say ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here … but it helps!‘ They’re brilliant!
I meant my mum of course
Northern belter on Kyle
Nick – ITV2’s FM is an absolute disaster.
s’not mother’s day in oz, so i don’t care.
Nick – I’d look if I wasn’t listening to Genesis.
By the way, has anyone ever pointed out to you that … ho ho … if you … he he … stick a ‘k’ at the … hmph … at the front of your … ha! … of your … umph … name, and ‘ers’ at the … gaaggghh … at the … ha ha ha ha ha … end of your … wmmmm … of your name, you get … he he he … you get … grrrraaaaaaa … you get ‘knickers’?
It’s not Spring in OZ either Breeks.
The only good thing about FM is Nina Sosanya but, let’s face it, is a pretty damned good thing as good things go.
Rangers, Motherwell and Scotland eh Clarry?
Obviously not good enough for the EPL.
Give him the job though, the works team might need a player. Aleways good for PR as well.
no. it’s autumn but warmer than here.
There’s no such thing as Autumn in Australia. It goes like this:
Beach party season, Bush fire season, Barbecue season, Bumbilicus season.
what is bumbilicus?
naps – almost, but not really.
it goes like this:-
bushfire season, mullet season, tall poppy season, bbq season.
I thought you Aussies hate tall poppies?
So where do the Bumbilicuses fit in? I reckon you’re lying to try to keep the secret of The Great Australian Bumbilicus from leaking out.
zactly.
Leaking out wasn’t the politest turn of phrase there, was it?
Cannon & Ball are advertising double glazing!
Class….
Dave – Not really no. Not when talking about the Bumbilicus.
They’ve been advertising double glazing for years, Nick. FUCKING YEARS.
I’ve done some research on the bumbilicous.
http://bumbilicous.livejournal.com/
Makes my blog look readable, may I be bold enough to say.
‘me n u sophie trieu we da opposite sistas we das woo ho go da go das ily sophie u r da best hei ppls im bumby n im bored i have an exam im going to die i hate piano exams soooo much pressure help me sophie pweeese i need u women im so dead gonna fail gonna fail omg omg omg das newaiizz hmm today ive finished muh lote hw soo im all gud n e waiiz talk ta ya laterzz bye mwa xoxoxox!!!! ily sophie’
moos – i found that too. i figured (i) it’s not spelled the same as nappers’ and (ii) it was so indecipherable that i wouldn’t foist it on WWM’s finely tuned audience.
breeks – do I strike you as someone that can (i) recognise subtle differences in the spelling of words like bumblicus or (ii) preserve the intellectual integrity of this blog’s comments section?
moos – toosh.
I believe I have pinpointed the reason why Bumbilicous didn’t pass her piano examination. Judging on the strength of her English, it’s because she’s a mental retard.
Blimey Nappers, you managed to get a lot further in your comprehension of that than i did.
*is impressed*
This is on the BBC Apprentice homepage.
Mind-boggling, considering.
Caught this blog as it is on the BBC’s actual Apprentice site h/p . First time I have ever sat down and watched the Apprentice right through, quite fun actually, but its early days and I am going to try and stick it till the end.
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