Over to BBC Three land, where dunces are served hand-pumped goblets of drivel. Snog Marry Avoid? is a confused show which lacks a brain, in addition to all those missing commas.
The format is as follows:
- We’re introduced to a supposedly tragic individual – underdressed, over-accessorised, half-naked, exhibitionist.
- They’re interviewed by a sarcastic machine called ‘Pod’ who mocks their dress sense.
- ‘Pod’ shows them footage of men who, having seen a photograph, have decided whether they’d snog, marry or avoid the contestant – generally revealing more about themselves than the person they’re judging (i.e. I would marry someone on the strength of a photograph).
- The contestants are made to remove all their make-up – and all of them react as though this will kill them.
- They are ‘made-under’ – and dressed like the clones in Grazia magazine.
- The ’snog, marry, avoid’ process is repeated.
- They like it.
- The end.
The major issue with the show is that the prey are all teenagers. Teenagers who are meant to look stupid. We appear to have reached a point where teen girls are expected to dress like graceful secretaries from Mad Men, but when I was 17 all the young ladies I knew dressed like military goths or slutty Polly Pockets. The boys in Snog Marry Avoid end up looking like utter arseholes from GAP adverts, but surely the teenage boy should be a greasy, shabby mess of hatred and resentment?
And the other thing that makes this show borderline unprocessable is that it moves along at such a zippy rate and is so inhumanly chirpy that it feels like you’ve danced through time and are watching ceebeebies in the early morning.
Maybe it’s meant for children.
Avoid. Like the plague.
122 Comments
I’m glad this drivel’s on as it’s given Harry Hill some cracking jokes. Wouldn’t watch it, obviously, but it’s nice to know it’s there to be ridiculed.
It’s good, cheap telly that serves a social need for BBC Threes demographic of youngsters. All power to it.
You seem to have become cheap TV’s champion, Dave. Is this your new thing this week?
At last a show I have seen.
I love it like I love Trish, Kyle et al and it can be quite sweet.
These poor girls who at first believe that they will find a nice lad by dressing like a cross between Barberella and a car crash who then realise that they look much nicer after “”POD”" has dressed them down.
Yes, they are tragic, yes they are misguided but, as you say SH, teenagers are meant to look stupid.
The problem is that if you dress stupid then you will attract stupid.
I find it sweet because I have one daughter of 22 and one of nearly 13 and am at the age where I regard teens as being like ten year olds ie naive and cute.
It strikes me as a similar format to “10 years younger” for kids…..
NC – To have high culture one must also have low culture.
Dave – How’s that work then? If you got rid of BBC Three and all the other drivel, you wouldn’t suddenly lose opera and fine art as well, would you? What an idiotic argument. You twat.
Yes, Nick – and Ten years Younger is a terrible, vain programme.
There’s nowt wrong with dressing like an idiot when you’re a young, South Park viewin’ kiddie. You’re meant to get your wardrobe totally wrong.
This is FASCIST programming – no wonder Dave champions it.
I’ve just had my right ear syringed. They can’t do the left one till friday as it’s too dense in there. Yes – dense.
I can hear things now, at least.
Does BBC4 feed off BBC3 Dave?
I dressed like a bloody moron when I was a teenager. Hair down to me arse, fourteen hole Doc Martins worn over black army trousers, two unbuttoned shirts over a t-shirt, fingerless gloves, skull and crossbones and cannabis leaf necklaces, studded leather bracelet things and an enormous black trench coat I didn’t even take off in the height of summer time. No wonder other kids always wanted to beat me up.
AND I stunk of that oil you got from the sort of shops that sold Furry Freak Brothers comics.
You did, now I think about it. You looked a right twat.
Patcholi…oh dear….
Avoid
Yeah, and you looked like Dean fucking Martin, didn’t you?
I was like an adonis!
Listen – I may have looked terrible but the Sleaford chicks dug me, yeah? They’re a different class of chick, yes?
It wasn’t hard to get the Sleaford chicks to dig you, in all honesty.
morning all.
i watched the last 2 mins of SMA last night. it had a dude on it. a dude with beads in his hair. they’d clearly not managed to convince him to wash or cut his hair to his ‘make under’ consisted of a purplish undershirt and a beanie. to be hair, without the badly applied eyeliner he looked a lot better.
anyway SMA is by far not the worst of what’s out there. by faaaar.
sleaford always sounded to me like there was a ‘z’ missing from the name.
can anyone tell me what exciting things i might be able to expect my hamster to do other that (i) hide, (ii) race a wheel for about 2hrs every night from 8pm-10pm, and (iii) not eat the treats with which i am trying to buy her love?
thanks.
jaysus.
‘SO his makeover’ and ‘to be FAIR’.
soz.
‘To be hair’?
It’s not that bad, this show. Its only real problem is that it’s for kids.
A talking computer, for heaven’s sake.
i wish my computer talked to me. in the voices. your voices. like, so when you just made your comment, yeah, i’d hear it. in your voice.
omg.
*ping*
You could bash it with a mallet?
If you like, you could pay us to come round and talk about television with you.
i could. i wouldn’t, but i could.
for free? are you insane?
i’ve been into extreme makeover and queer eye recently, having spent yesterday and it looks like most of today at home, ie: not at work. actually if i want the sitting room i need to get down now (am still in bed, natch) before The Housemate steals it. fucking shiftworker.
You’ve not got rid of this housemate of yours yet then?
no, i’m actually in the middle of being Extremely Nice At All Times to him. it’s the guilt, you see.
Sounds like car crash television. Why isn’t this on MTV? It’s their kind of completely horrific youth programming.
http://www.newroadmender.com/gigGuide.php
Any of these shits any good?
That doesn’t sound like the best plan if you want to get rid of him. Still, each to their own.
Last fucking time I hand out my shitting under the bed advice … mutter … mutter …
Anyone see the front page of The Sun today?
Looks like Jade’s left her boys with the vultures still circling.
naps – your advice was great were i leaving the house. i am not. when i do, however, i shall be in touch (at piqued’s, yes, you’ll be there, i should follow the fart-coloured trail?) and re-learn all your great teachings.
poor jade, etc.
What the hell does Phil Vickery push into his chocolate fondue when that kid asks him if he’s seen her chocolate bunny? It sure ain’t chocolate he tamps down with a spoon. Is it a donut? It’s certainly donut coloured, whatever it is.
Is it the same talking computer from that 1980s channel 4 show that interviewed the pop stars of the day?
I’ve seen Imperial Leisure three times, Ugeine. They are an entertaining live ska / hip hop set up and very good for drinking to.
Star Test! Sue – that was a brilliant show! Remember the Stephen Fry one?
Jen dumped over chat mania? when will she learn?
SH- Yeah, because Kubrick’s seminal work 2001: A Space Odyssey is for kids because it has HAL-9000 in it? Hmm?
Breeks – Fair enough. You can reach me at my new flat (Piqued’s) from April onwards.
Swineshead – Well what a surprise, eh? Who’d have thunk such a thing could happen? I’ll be damned, etc.
Hamsters stuff their little cheeks with food.
Have got it one of those seethrough balls to play in. It’s like zorbing for rodents!
Star Test was boring shite.
6 quid is alright, considering you get free entry to the club night as well, what the hell.
It depended who was on Star Test, Napoleon. The Stephen Fry one was good.
I can’t be arsed to do any work.
i need the hamster-zorb. it’ll at the very least be more entertaining for me.
i wanted a puppy, you know.
*mutters*
I preferred Wogan to Star Test.
sh – obviously. it’s not sunday.
Sunday’s my non-funday.
I still prefer Wogan to anything that’s come since. Apart from Last of the Summer Wine.
Who are these teenage boys to be so judgemental? When I was a teenager I’d have banged anything that would let me on, frankly.
You’re just a man with a one-track mind – so much to do and so little time.
Like Brain May.
Yes – ‘Brain’ May.
Sundays are boring. All I ever do on Sunday is stare into space, waiting for Monday to happen.
Sundays my shit load of films day.
Brain May’s blog is good for a laugh. He rants about people who don’t ‘get’ his shit musical We Will Rock You, and bangs on about astronomy.
I am keen on any weekend day, eat that
I watched Voyage Of The Damned this Sunday. I think that must be the seventieth time I’ve seen that film. Faye Dunaway had lovely skin.
Brain has the same hair as his wife Angie….
Piqued – That’s because you’re pleased with simple, repetitive things:
Eat poncey offal, get drunk, wake up late, eat poncey offal, get drunk, get up late, eat poncey offal, get drunk, go to work.
You’ve described exactly the same ‘delightful’ weekend on your blog for the last three years.
replace offal with kebab meat and chips and that’s basically my life as a student.
It’s only been a year to be hair, Napoleon. He wrote about going to Sainsburys before that.
Call me ’sick in the mind’ all you like, but I enjoy his blog. I do wanks over it.
Somebody stomped on my foot in a mosh pit two months ago and my big toe makes a weird clicking noise and hurts.
I enjoy Piqued’s blog too. It’s comfortably familiar – like Last of the Summer Wine or Ballykissangel. Or custard.
It’s blog custard.
You can use that as a quote, Piqued.
piqued’s blog is reliable. there’ll be booze, some well-described food slash cooking, and any references to people known (ie: Cunt) or unknown (everyone else) will be filled with adjective-heavy vitriol.
tops.
There you go, see? Just like custard. Good old ‘reliable’ custard.
Dave’s blog, on the other hand, is an abomination.
It’s like a car crash involving only toddlers.
I’m going to delete it and start another one. It’s not turned out the way I’d hoped at all.
‘Blog custard’ I rather like that actually
It’s better than ‘blog shit’ anyway
Breeks – i had a hamster as a young un. If yours is anything like mine you can expect it to:
- Stick its arse out the cage and piss down the wall.
- Keep you up all night on it’s torture wheel. Apparently, some think running on this wheel is similar to animals pacing back and forth when kept confined.
- Damn near take your finger off should you ever try to do anything with it in the daytime.
- Die like the inconsiderate bastard it is on christmas day.
Dave – Another one bites the dust, eh? You’re a waste of space.
NC – I know I am. Writing about adverts and pasting Lily Allen’s face onto an Alien film poster is pathetic. But I tried.
excelsior:-
- i bought her one of those over-priced ’silent’ wheels so problem solved, and she actually cultivates a relationship with the wheel. it’s love,
- my grandad already died on xmas day (2007) so no hamster will beat that,
- hasn’t yet bitten despite me trying to force treats upon her,
- pisses only in one corner of her two story castle.
and is still not at all like having a puppy.
Dave, you actually coment on my blog so I will never join in on this deformation of your character. Same goes for Naps for the same reason plus I have a favour to ask him.
I too had a Hamsster, it hanged itself by climbing to the top of the cage and poking his little head through the spring door.
My sister’s Hamster actually shat itself to death, she fed it some chocolate and the next morning the back end of it was open like a fucking lilly with his internal organs blasted over the cage and over the bbok shelf on which the cage rested… Ace
and that, kiddies, is what happens when you eat too much chocolate.
your sister is, btw piqued, a MURDERER.
Nick T – I’m not an intellect, I’m not a scholar – all I can do is try my best and if that’s not good enough then that’s fine, I already know my place in thes lousy two-bit world.
That was ‘book’ shelf of course, I came across as Ronnie Barker in Open All Hours just then…
‘…I already know my place in thes lousy two-bit world.’
Are we in The Great Depression era in that America, Dave?
No, we;re not
You’re right Breeks, a lousy two-bit Murderer
They do always piss in one place, mine picked the corner next to a wall, the devious little shit.
You should have got a ferret. Better then small dogs, cos small dogs arent proper dogs, but you can take them for walks and theyre well affectionate.
Piqued – that exploding hamsters arse story will haunt me for the rest of my life. Till i forget, sometime this afternoon.
Nick – Dave also comments on my blog, but that’s never stopped me treating him with the contempt he deserves.
Anyway … what’s this favour?
i appear to have ended up with a hamster who likes nothing that hamsters are supposed to like and with which you can buy their love. nothing. peanut butter? no. celery? no. crackers? no. cookies? no.
little bitch.
Piqued – My obvious reference to forties America don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy …
I’ll email you Naps. It’s no biggie.
It’s a hard know life Dave
I’ll email you Naps. It’s no biggie.
It’s a hard knock life Dave
NC – Well I’m a massive fan of your blog. You have a great wit and your illustrations are brilliant.
Right you are, Nick. You’ve got the right address, yes?
Dave – I can’t abide compliments because I’m British. Leave me alone.
feeding animals chocolate. truly classic. i always keep a mars bar with me just to feed other people’s dogs.
Which is why it’s such a brilliant way of returning your poisonous remarks. For every reason I’m a cunt there’s a reason why you’re a remarkably talented young writer/illustrator. Be warned.
Chocolate’s poisonous to dogs, Indy. You’re a bad egg.
Dave – Piss right off, you flabby little dreg.
I need a bit of cheese and pickle.
Again, Swineshead? Blimey.
I’m having roast beef and mustard sandwiches for my lunch. AND a bag of Wotsits.
i’ve not breakfasted yet tho’ i have just left the comfort of my bed to ablute.
i have a salad (with foreign cheese, naps, you’d love it – all rabbit food and goaty cheese and pickled foreign cucumbers and mustardy dressings) downstairs packed for the work i didn’t go to today.
I’m needing lunch too. I think I’ll have a creamy egg served in a silver cup topped with Petrossian caviar for starters and Goma tofu with Macha tea powder stuffed with Uni and topped with fresh wasabi and gold flakes for main. Or a Pot Noodle
Haven’t eaten a Pot Noodle in yonks.
Does anyone say ‘yonks’ any more?
ive not said yonks in yonks
Napoleon and I are level-pegging, heading up the lunch leaderboard…
Piqued’s in third place (but miles behind) with his pot noodle affair and Bree’s not even got off the starting line.
they do if you were born in Tudor England.
I do Nappers
The only decent PN is Chicken and Mushroom I had one a few weeks ago, it was a bit shit
As a student I lived on them garnished with Bacon Wheat Crunchies
You think they were saying ‘yonks’ in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries, Ugeine? Were they also saying ‘bonking’?
Piqued – I always liked the curry one the best. Mind you, the last time I had one they’d new and improved all of the flavour out of it. I hate the way companies do this, the bastards.
They pronounced it Ye Olde bonking
My extensive research on the period* shows that usage of the term ‘bonking’ is inconclusive.
*watching Heston’s Tudor Feast
SH, I’m still on the fence as I’ve talked myself out of the P Noodle.
I may go for one of those Ugo chicken cheese ‘panini’s’ that you zap in the microwave.
No word of a lie, I’d never used a microwave in my life until a few months ago when I bought one as a last resort (sandwich delivery hadn’t occurred) and not realising it had to be cooked in a ‘wave.
They’re fucking lovely
*runs off*
Previous to the Great English Prefix Shift, that happened in the olden days, every noun and many verbs were preceded by “Ye Olde”.
“Shall we have one of those Ye Olde wars your majesty?”
I failed to read any part of that review after you mentioned the graceful Mad Men secretaries. I’m now off in a little fantasy world where I’m Don Draper’s secretary.
DAY 1: In heaven and already Jade Goody is up for eviction
Jade’s not in heaven according to the ancient teachings of my appalling new religion, Piqued. To find out what’s happening to her at the hands of Wrathnock the Bear-Headed Spider Diety, please send a cheque for £200 made out to B P Perry & Sons Paving Solutions Ltd. to:
Napoleon’s Monstrous New Religion
Wellington House
150 Waterloo Street
Copenhagen
Thanks.
Mmm, sounds like the sort of thing I could go for NC
Hail Wrathnock
*writes out cheque*
Well that’s another convert. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how L. Ron Hubbard got going.
*looks at yacht catalogue*
How are you going to deal with naysayers, Napoleon?
That’s Scientologies real strength.
I think your new religion’s a load of piffle, by the way.
I was interested to read about this upcoming new ancient god, but i noted that you had failed to include any kind of carrot in the afterlife – all suffer in equal torment.
Surely those that lead a righteous life should be rewarded in the hearafter, maybe by fewer agonising injections of terrible spider bear venom. Also the virtuous could find themselves postioned higher up in the web, thereby receiving less of the feculants that will no doubt trickle down, as the terrified souls give up their bowls.
Just a thought like. Dont burn me or nuffin.
Swineshead – I was planning on using private detectives to uncover your sort’s most intimate and damaging secrets. Any dissent, and the high priests of Wrathnockism© are going to the papers.
Excelsior – I see your point. Indeed, consulting the ancient Wrathnockian religious tablets I have here, I note those who pay a monthly subscription of £1000 don’t spend the rest of eternity being injected with agonising bear / spider venom. They get to spend the afterlife in a silken web of lovliness surrounded by sex-pots, booze and drugs.
What do you put in the sex-pots?
Do you have sex-jars?
Hold on …
*consults tablets*
Says ‘love juice’ here …
Hot Diggity!
Im sold!
*eats almonds*
*fills little cheeks *
*opens Twitter acount*
*makes millions*
I’ve had Marmite on toast, two chocolate biscuits and half a pint of home brew lager today.
Found this…..
Dear Mrs. Murray,
Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use
of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is
considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 3′ in housewares….. and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.
10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible’ theme.
11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the ‘Madonna look’ using different size funnels.
12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ‘PICK ME!’ ‘PICK ME!’
13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again.’
And; last, but not least:
14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, ‘There is no toilet paper in here.’
Oh dear, Nick
Bit wordy init. Looked smaller when I read it.
Anyway, on to the BAFTAS eh?
‘Wordy’ wasn’t quite what I had in mind to be honest…
Yes, the BAFTA’s Dot Cotton will get one apparently
Nick old chap…
http://www.crap.fi/?i=4953
What can I say, I’m a gulliball.
There was a website called the Jokepost back in the ancient history of the internets and that list was on there. In real time we’re talking like ten years ago.
http://www.crap.fi/?i=2205