There’s a new show over on BBC4, along the lines of Room 101, wherein celebrities admit to never having partaken of four or five cultural experiences.
I’ve never seen any of the Godfather trilogy, read a Dan Brown novel or listened to the music of The Grateful Dead. The idea is – were I one of those famous celebs – that they would invite me on and I would try these things out – then rate them out of ten.
Much laughter would ring through the studio as I expressed my bafflement at the popularity of my experiences or raved about my newfound discovery.
We haven’t got the time or patience to have you try out the things you’ve never done, and we certainly can’t hang about whilst you bang on about whether you enjoyed yourself or not.
Probably best then just to own up to some popular pastime or entertainment you’ve never had the pleasure of enjoying so that we can all point and laugh at you – or tell you not to bother trying it, whatever it is.
So – what cultural phenomenon have you never, ever experienced?
*end of football comment*
330 Comments
I’ve never seen ‘Withnail and I’ and have no intention of ever doing so. Whether it’s a good film or not, it’s been spoiled for me by wankers doing the voices and the quotes.
Hmm, first thoughts. I have never:
Seen a James Bond Film
Read a Harry Potter Book
Been skiing
Kissed a girl
Tried Crack or heroin
There will be more, I am sure
@Mel: “Kissed a girl”
I kissed a girl, and I liked it.
More power to your elbow, fourstar
fourstar: really?
Swines, Have you never seen the Godfather trilogy?
I have never:
Been skiing
Gone to a ‘proper’ football match (Non league doesn’t really count)
Watched The Sopranos
Will probably think of more later.
Matt – though you’ve heard it said before, do try and watch it, alone, away from others. Quotes or otherwise, it’s a great film.
Mel – I’ve only seen one Bond movie (all the way through), never read or seen Potter, never been skiing, I have kissed a girl and I’m not discussing the last bit.
There’ll be tons more, logically. You can’t experience everything….
The wire is also one that has currently passed me by
i have never (TV-related):
watched dexter
watched californication
watched a complete episode of lost (proudly)
I’m rewatching The Wire. Even better second time round.
I’ve never seen The Larry Sanders show.
I’ve never seen an episode of Inspector Morse.
I want to watch the wire, but so far have not had the time/DVD box set.
DINLT – Nope – never seen The Godfather. Not that arsed, to be honest.
I haven’t seen The Sopranos, now I think on it…
Mostly films with me. Never seen any of the following:
The Sound of Music
Gone with the Wind
Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid
Dances With Wolves
Schindler’s List
I remember a few years ago Danny Baker had someone on his radio show who had never tasted coca cola (they obviously had him taste it live on air); I thought that was pretty impressive.
You’ve never seen the fucking Godfather?
*writes a list*
The Godfather trilogy is highly recommended. 1 and 2 are fantastic, and 3 whilst not of the quality of the preceeding films does wrap it all up nicely.
You have to see them!
I watched about 20 minutes when I was nine or ten and couldn’t see the fucking point. Goodfellas – now there’s a gangster film.
My list would be endless and would invoke, scorn, pity and downright incredulity.
Goodfellas isnt a patch on the Godfather and borrows from it heavily.
Alright, I’ll give them a go DINLT – but Ugeine’s list that I’m on is bin-lining.
Now – Ugeine, what have you never done?
Loads, I imagine.
Thumper:
The Sound of Music – seen half then bailed out.
Gone with the Wind – never seen.
Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid – seen.
Dances With Wolves – never seen.
Schindler’s List – I’d say this is essential viewing, Mr Plowman. Shame on you.
I WANT TO SEE DINLT’S AND UGEINE’S LIST.
if you’ve seen the original star wars triology you won’t need to see neither the lord of rings nor the god father triology. all three follows the formula of “mission begins – origins of “the force”/ring/maffia – crappy ending”
a bit drastic i guess but true.
I’m rewatching the wire too! Great minds… (unless it comes to the Godfather)
Good point, Indy – I’ve never seen any of the LOTR trilogy.
It’s weird when you’ve already seen it, eh Ugeine?
I missed so much the first time. Bubbles interception of the Barksdale crew using red hats confused me the first time round. And I missed all the stuff about Prez.
Hmmmm…. I’ve never seen Star Wars, enjoyed James Bond film, Casablanca, Citizen Kane, Slumdog millionaire… (more to follow)
I begin The Wire on Monday, I am a week behind.
Technically 5 hours behind Mikey – you realise it’s on every night?
Ugeine – have you seriously never seen Star Wars? I’m of the generation where that’s not actually possible. I must have seen it in the cinema three times, and I don’t even like it, let alone the amount of times I’ve seen it on TV.
SH: that’s true, yeah. When they put this much detail in it makes me think it was made for watching two or three times.
Never seen all of the Star wars films, never seen Lord of the Rings, only read a bit of it, then bailed.
One thought that occurred to me, Ug, was that when the actors got the script it’d probably need reading through at least three times.
If we’re doing films, I have never seen:
Mary Poppins
The Wizard Of Oz
Bedknobs & Broomsticks
The Sound Of Music
I don’t think I was ever actually a child.
Have we all seen all of the Monty Python films?
The Wizard of Oz is ace. The others don’t matter so much, fourstar.
Fair point on Schindler’s List, SH
Citizen Kane is well worth watching, Ugeine it really hasn’t dated like other films from that period.
I’ve never seen Mary Poppins or Oliver, but I know most of the songs.
I watched 20 minutes of Phantom Menace and walked out (having seen the Matrix before, if I remember) and I watched about 10 minutes of the Empire one, and got bored. Never seen the fuss.
This weeks Wire is recorded and I will start watching Episodes 1 – 5 on Monday.
I’ve never seen Mary Poppins. I’ll give Citizen Cane a look. Seen all The Monty Python films, and tv show.
I’ve never watched a real, brown paper bag/dirty mac brigade/under the counter porn film. Not that I’m a prude, I’ve just been too busy.
*waits to be put on yet another list*
Never read On Chesil Beach, never seen Rothko originals (and don’t like the prints i have seen)
Ugeine – series 5 of Python is borderline unwatchable so congrats on that.
Who – You’ve never seen a grot film? Cripes!
Thumper – Oliver’s one of my favourite films. It’s got Oliver Reed in it which is enough to make it a must-see.
@Who: To be honest, seen one, seen them all.
Actually that’s not quite true; 70s/80s grot is fantastic, but the modern stuff is just formulaic.
The Godfather is one of the few films that is better than the book.
I’ve never seen more then five minutes of newsnight.
SH: First 2 seasons are good, third and fourth just repeat themselves, not worth it at all really…
Unless I should count Carry On films, Fourstar. I’ve seen plenty of them…
No, Who, not really the same. Unless there’s a Carry On where Barbara Windsor gets taken up the chuff by a pair of sweaty Spaniards on a pool lounger.
As a child of the internet, I’ve never seen a ‘proper’ blue movie either. Never seen 2 girls 1 cup either…
OM – Let The Right One In is better than the book, in my humble onion.
Who – I don’t think Carry On counts as grot. We are talking hardcore, right?
As for variation. Fourstar – of course there’s variation! Pregnant, elderly, Milfy, teenie, midget, ebony, asian, vanilla, anal, DP, BJ, A2M, interracial, MMF. FFM…
*skulks off to toilet*
Most of the lists so far are not exactly a suprise. The premis of the show are things not sean that are part of popular culture.
I’ve never seen E.T.
Taken cocaine or walked on the moon……
Sorry… but you’ve never taken cocaine ?
E.T. is ace.
Thanks to Nick T for putting some order into this discussion.
Celebrity come dancing or whatever it is called.
Pop Idol
X factor.
You avoid ITV then, Mikey.
You’re in Spain aren’t you?
No I am in London.
Never seen E.T? That makes SH’s non Godfather watching look respectable…
Oh.
I’ve never been to me.
This is shameful:
I’ve never listened to I’m Sorry But I Haven’t A Clue
*bites fist*
It’s the folk that have taken cocaine that have put me off.
They look like twats, I have enough to deal with.
Never seen Withnail either, looks shit.
And i hate the Clash…
(the crownd gasps)
I hate The Clash too.
I can see why you’d be put off Withnail but it really is fantastic. You’ll see why people rave, same as The Wire.
Coke really does turn you into an arsehole externally but internally it’s interesting. Not that I’d ever indulge ever again.
I don’t even like the Rolling fucking Stones. Apart from two or three tunes.
Good grief Nick…The Clash????? Cannot be true…West London’s finest.
morning all.
this is a tough and potentially embarrassing and proud-making question. good friday question. kudos, etc.
that bit over, i have never:-
watched emmerdale, coronation st, or that other one
never watched a british hospital-based drama
taken any drug requiring foil or needles or heating up with a spoon
am with others on the godfather trilogy – never have
hang on. this is like that drinking game, i have never.
all those who’ve never sexed a giraffe – drink.
etc.
anyway, on with the show:-
why don’t they do stuff like ‘i’ve never been married’, ‘i’ve never had gayer sex’, ‘i’ve never done a trisha lie detector test about my use of toilet porn’ – give the celebrities something real to suck on.
oh no. they’ve turned my local in havanna into a castro pub
Russell Brand did that, Breeks – with his excellent show, most of which are on Youtube. He tossed off a gay bloke, took in a homeless and hung out with neo-Nazis as if they were his mates. Some of the best telly ever, if you can stand his face.
Indy – arf.
I’ve never
skateboarded
smoked (well normal cigs anyway)
had sex with a member of the opposite gender
watched “X Factor” (or anything with Simon Cowell)
used eBay (tho’ I did set up an account)
sh – that i did not know. hmmm.
can you change the parameters of the friday question to include things you might’ve done but didn’t like?
I’m selling something on ebay as we speak…..
From Twitter:
liquid_city@Swineshead I’ve never killed a man, but have killed at least three women.
jezheywood@Swineshead I’ve never eaten a Big Mac…
Did anyone else watch the Woolworths/Wellworths doc last night? In my weird claim to fame, I used to work there. It was weird.
OT. Sorry
I have never watched Emmerdale.
You don’t like The Rolling Stones? What’s wrong with you?
sh: re:branded has been crippled on youtube. i youtubed it a couple of weeks ago and it seemed to have been eliminated. shitty boxset alert? i did somehow manage to see the racist one and bits of some other episodes.
sh: sorry about that “joke”… i meant to spread a TGIF spirit. not to offend.
i’ve never
skateboarded (well normal skateboards anyway)
I’m sorry, but i really have to share this. This question just reminds me of the song “Never Loved Elvis” by the Wonderstuff.
*hums*
I’ve never sniffed glue or aerosols either
Indy – I liked it.
Re:Branded Re:moved?
Bah!
I just don’t like the Stones much, Ug. I find them boring.
I like ‘Inertia’ off that album, Mel.
Russell Brand is very good on the twatter.
You should entice him on here Sh….
Use your “whiles”
i’ve never
sniffed glue (well normal glue anyway)
I’ve never liked U2.
Fair doos, SH.
i downloaded rebrand off of isohunt, very good series.
this is not safe for work and i am sorry but i happened across it and I MUST SHARE.
NO – THIS IS SERIOUSLY NSFW!
http://www.bmezine.com/news/people/A10101/split/index.html
I have never attempted the Times crossword
I have never split my, or anyone else’s cock. Eurgh.
i’ve never
attempted the times crossword (well normal crosswords anyway)
I only saw Clockwork Orange a few weeks ago.
Students watching Bugsy Malone here, what a movie!
*puts breeks on a list…..of ONE*
I have never starred in Annie, although i desperately wanted to when i was 5
(ok. point made. the “”"normal”"” wink-wink-nudge-nudge routine, in the words of shania twain, doesn’t impress me much)
mel – omg me too! me too! those high notes of ‘tomorrow’ used to kill.
daddy warbucks, in retrospect – bit creepy.
bedknobs and broomsticks was aces. i can still sing ‘portobello road’ very nicely, thank you.
“i have never
been drunk”
hahahaha. how do i think i’m fooling?!? everyone round here knows that i am big fat party monster. should’ve seen me and me mates last saturday… hahahaha. we were so pissed. hahahaha. never been drunk. hilarious…
Breeks, thank god for this place. I am beginning to feel ‘normal’
Daddy Warbucks wouldn’t be allowed to adopt in this day and age would he? Not babies from america anyway. I guess, like Madonna, he could pay for an African one.
I wish I’d never been drunk. I’d be Prime Minister by now, or a media magnate. So many wasted years…
*sigh*
*splits cock*
Breeks, Piqued is a big Modblog fan – did he ever send you the man who removed his nose? The weirdo.
mel/breeks: a girl in my class (when aged 14) somehow forced the teaching staff in our school to let her sing “tomorrow” at the summer holiday ceremony. how weird on your weirdometer is that?
“summer holiday ceremony” ???
sh – he did not. he has failed me. i am still somewhat agog at the desire to make one’s cock smaller when all my life i’ve been led to understand that for men it’s all about One Giant Cock.
indy – not so weird.
nick t: very hastily made up word. sorry.
in sweden we have a ceremony in a church (now this has probably been changed by local pc mad persons) where the headmaster reads a poem and wishes everyone a happy summer holiday (schools are closed between early june and late august). the lower middle class children go to spain or italy and the middle class children go to catalonia or tuscany and the working class children go sniffs glue and get lost in swamps etc.
Deeply unpleasant:
http://news.bmezine.com/2008/04/01/got-your-nose-in-bmenews-publishers-ring/
I’ve never, ever, been South of the border.
Indy your venacular is very Swenglish today. Is it a backlash from having been in blighty?
vernacular
Ug – What border?
I’ve never been out of Europe.
Erm, equator. Not border. That would really give the wrong impression…
sh: very disturbing. “against nature”
Ug, do you mean Towcester?
Never been to a festival. Actually, in terms of gigs over the size of a small club room, I’ve probably not seen more then 6 different bands.
I have never eaten Kangaroo Testicles
mel: vernacular? what?
has my english gone even worse after going to england? i cannot believe it after all this interaction with the natives.
Hello
This programme used to be on bloody Radio 4 (has some said that? I’ve not had a chance to read all the comments)
Anyhoo
I’ve never watched Corination Street, seen Gone With the Wind, eaten a KFC, pulled a pint or had sex
SH: Yes, there is variation in porn but my point was more about style/exposition/plot, of which there is basically none these days – get sofa, put variety of people on sofa, shag, end.
Bring back Seka, Desiree Cousteau and Marilyn Chambers (preferably together on the kitchen table, after some kind of hilarious grocery delivery misunderstanding).
i have never
adopted a child from malawi.
Indy, i am certainly not criticising. I find it endearing, my BF nealso does this when he has been home.
I have never eaten sourstromming either
Who: haha, that’s the one. I count Kettering as foreign.
I have never re read posts before posting, to correct spelling. *Must try harder*
i’ve never been to scunthorpe.
I’ve never eaten veal, fois gras or a goose egg
I have never done a sex tape. This seems to be a trend amongst the famous these days. And the kids
I wont even acknowledge Kettering on road signs anymore, Ug. Gives me the fear.
I do like this ‘ere new name SH has given you, it suits you.
I’ve never had sex with a tape.
mel: “This seems to be a trend amongst the famous these days. And the kids”
is it technically a sex tape if it is recorded on mobile phone?
I’ve never travelled first class or business class.
Yes Indy…
*downloads “in our time podcast” from bbc radio 4 site*
Who: It makes me sound like a caveman, like Stig of the Dump. I love it. I might start typing like a cave man.
Ug not like apprentice boy, ug smash boy with club!
I’ve not found this out, but I’m pretty sure the end of the world is just past Junction 19 of the M1.
I’m nearing 1000 downloads..
(polishes nails on sleeve*
I’m as south as one can get. Best you northern types stay where you are ….
Seka, eh Indy. Now there’s a name from the past
*pops to loo*
I have never read Orwell, Austen or any of the Brontes
I’ve read Down and out in London and Paris. You must Mel, it’s gloriously wonderful.
and 1984 Mel.
I am interested in reading orwell, and will some day. I have seen 1984, the film.
I am not especially interested in reading about the others
piqued: seka?
Mel, the down and out one , you ….you must. It’s only a thin one…
Oh, hello @piqued – don’t forget your SofaF1.com predictions for Malaysia. I am happy to confirm that you are currently bottom, with 0 points. However, given the FIA’s fucking about with the results, you may well be top with 73 by Sunday *shrugs*
Or reading them either.
You don’t need to read Nineteen Eighty Four, Mel, JUST LOOK AT THE STATE OF BRITAIN.
*outrages*
@indy: I think ‘Seka’ was aimed at me. Which is an enduring mental image
Seka? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtv_HXuQB2E
Looks like a fella….
Sorry Indy, I thought you said ‘Seka’
My eyesight isn’t as good as it was because of Seka
Seka? http://www.seka.org.uk/cmps_index.php?cc=welcome
i’m off out for lunch, yeah, cause i don’t work fridays.*
byeeee.
* that’s no work whatsover. none.
I will be off here a bit early today as I have to move offices and the internets won’t be turned on till next week
Mel – that’s a bit shocking. You should try Orwell, he rocks.
@NickT: That’s the one. Phwoar. Look at the kite flaps on that, etc and so on.
sh: i used to be a fan of orwell ’til the stupid brigade found out about him and started to yell his name everytime someone mentions oyster cards, tesco cards and tv licence.
There is still an unanswered question on my cake blog.
ITZ LIKE 1985 ROUND HERES
I wish it was, I was earning a fortune…
YEZ BOG MOTHER IS WATCHING US AHAHAHAHASHSHIA
By the way – where are Clarry and Wenchy these days?
WERZ MI BITCHS AT?
Indy: I still like the book (but prefer animal farm) because none of those idiots seem to actually understand it. If you got shot in the back of the head, while in bed, in the dead of night, for going past a speed camera at 45 I’d understand.
I thin they’re looking after naps at the bottom hospital SH
I think they’re looking after naps at the bottom hospital SH
has anyone round here read “we the living” by objectivist bitch and bore ayn rand?
…it’s kind of related to big brother.
So far on my most shocking list:
1). Swines and The Godfather
2). Nick T and the Clash
3). Mel and Orwell
I’m alive! (the man with the second face) <pop trivia quiz for the kidz
I have never:
Done a poo at someone else’s house
Tasted red bull
Had a one night stand
Watched Newsnight (and listened)
Eaten mini cheddars
Read/seen anything to do with Harry Potter
Gone swimming in the sea
Trumped in front of anyone ever
Had a filling
Worn a hat (with one exception when I was ill and didn’t care)
Listened to country and western music
Watched Gladiator
End.
P.S I watched that Sex Education prog last night and when asked about which pron related things were illegal they recounted a tale of someone egging on another teen to strip off and masturbate on a webcam. Shockingly this seemed to be quite normal to them, and they all seemed to know a few people who had done it.
*continues to be amazed*
‘Shockingly this seemed to be quite normal to them, and they all seemed to know a few people who had done it.’
I wouldn’t say normal, but not uncommon…
‘Done a poo at someone else’s house’
*chuckles*
I have 2 on Clarry’s list.
Takes me back to Millennium Eve and an ill advised bout of popular drinking slash sex story game “I’ve Never”. My contribution (bear in mind we were only 18 & many of the things I would now enquire about were just a sadistic glint in my first proper boyfriend’s eye) was ‘I’ve never slept with a member of my own family’. Little did I know that the previous summer an acquaintance of mine had shagged her first cousin in a tent at Roskilde. Seemingly the only people unaware of this until that moment were me and her fiancé. They are married with a new baby now. Still debating what I’ll write in the Christening card.
I’ve never read or seen performed Hamlet despite a degree in English Literature. I don’t even know the story and it’s now become a point of honour.
I was going to blog on the SE blog, i thought somebody else would have taken it by now..
Masturbation on a webcam? To an audience? As a teenager? That’s dreadful, and they will be mortified in the future when they realise how stupid they’ve been.
U – Never done a poo at someone else’s house = TRUE FAX
*is not ashamed*
what about doing a poo at an enemy’s house? or a friend of friend’s place?
Only one of Carry’s I haven’t done is newsnight.
‘Masturbation on a webcam? To an audience? As a teenager?’
Terribly sorry, I just thought you meant recording said thing not broadcasting via webcam.
That makes me sound like a bit of a nonce…
ruthychev – I’m also an English graduate and there are tons of books I’ve not yet read that I probably should’ve. Hamlet’s not one of them, but there are many tomes I consider ‘books of shame’.
Clarry – you’ve never swam/swum in the sea??
*genuine shock*
I – I have never done a poo outside the walls of my own home. In a toilet obv.
U – It’s CLARRY not Carry, Clarys, Carly… THAT’S NOT MY NAME YEAH?
Plus U they were just for starters. I gots milliunz more.
Maybe we should explore the avenue of popular things I should like but don’t. Or things I should hate but secretly love?
Clarrry: It’s nothing to be ashamed about! just made me chuckle the way you put it.
‘Masturbation on a webcam? To an audience? As a teenager?’
Bingo
Where can I see this teenage webcam wanking?
*goes outside for a poo*
*splits cock*
Explore what you like, Claraadsjfjfgjgdufuserutudnbsmnsnmay! It gets well barren round here on lunch hour, it’d be nice to have a bit of conversation.
U -Yeah U, shame on you. You bacon! (priz slang)
SH – I have an irrational fear of water. Particularly open, salty, cold waters. Plus sea water makes me come out in all lumps.
I’ve done all on the list of Clarry except watched Gladiator
http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/2009/apr/02/mathew-horne-collapses
Careful what you wish for…
That’s the last time I invite any of you poo-doers to my howse again…
*shakes head in digust*
In someone else’s house? Really?
*sicks a little*
Maybe those should be questions for other weeks?
I am shocked that people are shocked that I have never read Orwell. I am a scientists, and have enough trouble reading all the stuff i am supposed to, with all the commenting i do here, let alone read fiction. I rarely read fiction in any case. I realise that Orwell is essential reading, and have it on my long list of thngs to do before i die.
I have never been to Saddlers Wells
I have never been rick rolled
*awaits e-mail*
Clarry – clearly you’ve never experienced the alcoholics pub-toilet session. Shitting in a bog with no toilet paper, no lock on the bloody door and people at the urinals as your arse squeaks evil rust into a waterless hole is more fun than you could ever imagine.
*wedges cubicle door shut with outstretched leg*
‘In someone else’s house? Really?
*sicks a little*’
Where do you think I’m going, on the kitchen floor?
I don’t make a habit of it, but if I *need* to then I will.
Same goes with pun, nightclub and shopping centre toilets.
I went to Sadlers Wells theatre to watch some ballet. Watched five minutes of ballet, slept for a good two hours.
this webcam masturbation thing… is it done in dark with some kind of uv-camera? (trying to trace source)
It will all end in tears Indy – yours and the person that is doing the webcam act. That is one easily found skeleton in the closet for potential employers/ tabs etc.
Or with a split cock.
Never happened to me, thank Christ.
i’m watching newswipe (episode 1 – recession) on youtube and i find charlie’s sidekick a bit annoying, sexist or true?
The ‘Moneygeddon’ one? She’s been in a few of his, she annoys me too, like the SE woman.
yup. she’s the one.
I’ve never:
Seen the Lion King
Seen Titanic (and no intention to either)
Used a Mac
Eaten Oysters
Been to a football match
Read The Northern Lights
Been to Scotland
Those are off the top of my head.
I’ve never sung the blues
U – I know you’re doing it in the bog you weirdo. It’s just that I have so many rituals regarding ‘doings’ (that relate to my OCD and germ phobia) I just can’t relax enough to ‘go’ anywhere else. I can’t even sit on the seat of a public loo to wee, so how could I lay cable in that position exactly? Mind you having said that I have witnessed a few festival bogs, which could only have got into that state by someone standing on the seat and trying aim below… Plus I have to hold my breath the whole time i’m in a toilet or a start retching, so I would probably expire during the length of time required to do a 2.
So as you can see, from a germ phobic’s perspective, I find the idea of you doing a poo in my toilet deeply repellent.
I’ve never twittered
TIAL – I’ve never seen Titanic all the way through either. There is no point.
I’ve been to a fair few football matches though. They’re good.
I never managed to get into this girl Wendy’s knickers when I was fourteen. I’ve bitterly regretted this fact ever since.
Hello there! I’ve escaped! They’re going to shove a camera down my throat as part of a fantastic outpatients package they’re putting together for me (so I was up bricking it until four this morning for no reason at all – next time I’ll listen to the doctor when he’s talking to me). I’m also having an ultrasound, so who knows? I may well be preggars.
Loaded up with pills and stuff to shove up my arsehole, they’ve booted me out and informed me I’m a medical fucking miracle. My lungs are clear as a whistle, my liver functions are normal and – this is extraordinary – the chronic medical condition I’ve suffered from since I was a nipper (and that usually leads to cancer, surgery and a slow ‘n’ painful death) has burnt itself out! Though I’m finding it difficult to get me ‘ead round the concept, I apparently no longer have any symptoms of it at all. Indeed, the pain I’ve been suffering from recently points towards nothing more than that skiver’s favourite – Irritable Bowel Syndrome + taking medication I no longer need. Huzzah!
This is the best day of my fucking life, is this.
I’m turning over a new leaf. I’m going to be the new Jesus.
Nappers, you are the new Lazarus, as you have come back from the dead.
Nice to have you, did you get my flowers?
I have never asked a man out (or a woman)
Did you get the card?
Piqued wasted his fucking money it seems. I told him only to send it if it seemed like you were going to pop your clogs.
I’ve never asked or been asked out ‘officially’ either. It’s always just sort of happened without the official words bit.
I’ve never asked or been asked out ‘officially’ either. It’s always just sort of happened without the official words bit.
Welcome home Nappers. We’ve missed you.
I got those flowers, thanks. They brightened up my day no end. I’ve been sat on a bloody Gastroenterology ward all week, listening to old men burping, shitting and farting all day and all night, so anything that distracts is welcome.
/\ EH? What happened there?
Fair enough Clarry, it’s just a bit hard to understand for someone who gives any food he drops on the floor a good wipe before eating it!
I didn’t get the card. Maybe the farting wreck they were wheeling towards my bed when I left will get it. It might cheer him up a bit, like.
I’ve missed you too, Clarry. And I’ve been for a shit in everyone’s house I’ve ever been to. If I was in your house, I’d shit in it.
TIAL..do you have any allegiance to any football team?
I sent the cunt first class on wednesday…
Oh well, glad you’re feeling better NC
Good to have you back, sir
Thanks, Piqued. I’m not feeling much better downstairs, but in my head I’m a-dancing on the ceiling like that fella off of the ’80s.
Nappers: Good to see these dirty foreign diseases couldn’t harm your proud British immune system.
That’s the best bit of all, really. It would seem you’re, well, cured
So I guess you just have to wait for the system to *ahem* clear and that’s it?
To be honest, as I said to SH this morning, I was a bit worried, I’m glad my pessimism isn’t always greeted with cold resignation.
Oh, finished Quartered Safe, bloody thing brought a tear to my eye so it did. Fantastic.
Swineshead – Cheers, chief. Now then … I’ve never been to St. Michael’s Mount.
Oh dear U, you and I wouldn’t get along very well at all. Mr Clarry was almost ex-communicated after spilling a drink on the table of the train and slurping it up. I wouldn’t kiss him for the rest of the day until he washed his face and brushed his teeth.
I went bloody mental.
St. Michael’s Mount’s lovely. When I’m rich I’m holidaying in Penzance every year.
*dreams of those kinds of riches*
P.S Naps – My old ma and my bezzy both have the IBS and they find it best if they don’t eat gluten, particularly bread.
Mmmm, delicious tinned bread for you old boy…
Funnily enough am planning a trip to St Michael’s Mount.
I’ve been to Oliver’s Mount, doubtless you have too NC
never laughed at bill hicks…
Is that you Dave?
Interceptor is an official friend of WWM. And he’s right about Bill bloody Hicks.
No it bloody isn’t, Piqued. I own Bill Hicks on DVD and even purchased his book containing the same material as the DVD. He’s like George Carlin just not quite as good.
I’ve never laughed at Bill Hicks.
Laughed with him many a time, though….
I have never watched anything with Jimmy Nesbitt in on principal. Annoyingly though, I want to watch that thing he’s in ‘Five Minutes of Heaven’, which is supposed to be aces.
I don’t want to eat tinned bread.
You’re planning on holidaying regularly in Penzance if you come into riches, eh? Will you be eating Ferrero Rocher on these holidays? Loads of ‘em, whenever you want?
SH, I know you’re not a fan but you’ve never laughed at Bill Hicks?
I have never snorted cocaine off the chest of an Indonesian prostitute whilst playing a ukulele to the theme from Captain Pugwash.
Just saw the bit where McNulty realises what a genius Lester is…
(heart warming that bit)
Oh yes, Napoleon. Ferrero Rocher, DVD boxsets of Bergerac and a cool, sweet glass of Lambrini…
It’ll have deep shag carpeting n’all. And patio furniture for when the weather’s nice.
Piqued – one gag: ‘we got a reader here’. But that’s because it’s a good joke.
Clarry – He’s in ‘Hear My Song’, which is well worth a watch.
DINLT – P.S What were your two off my list?
I dream of the day I can eat as many Ferrero Rocher as I want.
Almost bought The Wire the other day but decided to get Lost instead. In factm, the only bit of the wire I’ve seen had that annoying kid from Kids playing the exact same annoying kid but in the body of a 30+ hoodlum.
SH: Aaaah, that bit with the boxing thing. I’m on third episode at the moment, it’s great seeing Lester for the first time, crouched over his dolls house miniatures like a house cat…
Hmmm, maybe Naps, i’ll just take it one step at a time and work my way through his magnum opus.
SH – Did a strange snorting sound when I read your bit about Bergerac boxsets. You really do know how to live the high life, eh?
Napoleon: One day we’ll get rich if these internets and we can have ferrero rocher parties and buy white suits and get 80s prostitutes round.
Dave: He’s good at acting – thus he is good at being annoying. He’s a very minor character.
Lost!
Pffft.
Grow up.
Ug – No, I mean the bit where he’s been off on his own for days and then out of nowhere pulls out D’Angelo’s pager number. Episode 4…
Clarry – You bet I do, Early Nettles is the business. He’s lost it with this Midsommer nonsense.
I assume white shoes would be worn with these white suits?
Psst Clarry…Red Bull and Harry P.
I hope you lot are planning a career in diplomacy because only Ambassadors have the privilege of owning unlimited Ferrero Rochers – and even then there’s a twelve year waiting list. And that goes for Birdseye Fish Fingers too. A man was caught preparing a platter of them with lemon wedges back in 1995 and was duly hung from a pylon by his balls.
Of course. And we’ll have moustaches.
It’s weird that fish fingers have such princely status when any old Tom, Dick or Harry can buy a kiev.
Pssst DINLT – Red Bull smells too awful to even contemplate drinking. Mixed fruit flavouring is the worst.
*shudders even thinking of it*
I watched some of that Wire thing in hospital. It was alright. It reminded me of Murder One. Murder One was better, mind, as was NYPD Blue, The Bill, the Cannon & Ball film ‘The Boys In Blue’ and Spender.
Paedophiles use them as bate.
Ere…has anyone tried these salmon fish fingers?
There new ain’t they?
Moustaches as well, eh? Well I’m sold. It’ll be like being in a hairier Miami Vice. I’m going to listen to Phil Collins’s ‘Face Value’ whilst eating unlimited Rocherers in my white suit and shoes in Penzance. Bring on the money.
I watched a bit of the first one, got confused by the red hats and fell asleep. It looked like all those CSI type progs that i’ve also never watched. I thought the Wire looked dead gritty and good in the trailers. Should I be making more effort?
I ARE SORY SWINZ I TRYDED!!!!1
Clarry – It’s no different from any American police show I’ve seen, ‘cept they say ‘motherfucker’ every two minutes and there’s lots of hats. Spender was much better. Indeed, The Wire would be improved by introducing Spender into it and getting rid of that English bloke off of the Nazi propaganda film ‘300′.
DINLT – Why is Matt Dawson the new face of Young’s fish? And why did I pick up a gardenining catalogue the other day only to find it filled with pictures of Christoper Biggins drinking piña colada on deck chairs?
Rugby players eat lots of fish, Dave. It’s something to do in between dipping their dicks into strangers’ pints, drinking each others’ semen, and fisting each other in the showers.
Can anyone explain to me why a 22 year old Polish dude appears to have the entire back catalogue of Andy Bell blaring out of my studio?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7980747.stm
oo-er
I wished it was 2 hours ago then I could go for lunch in 5 mins
I like Shooting Stars. Shame they’re not bringing Will Self back, like. I thought he was good in it.
McNulty is a loveable little rogue. I love seeing him smash up his own car twice.
It took me a fair while to get into the wire.
I watched the first episode and didn’t understand it. it was too hard to remember all the characters, the plot was too complex and slow, I didn’t understand the police and the jargon was impenetrable.
I found the whole thing boring until the Omar shoot out, and since then I was hooked.
It’s my favourite programme apart from the sopranos, which is a really different crime show.
NC, I think if I were to tell you they’re bringing back Diptheria at the moment you’d be happy
What was so hard to understand about the first episode? It wasn’t complicated. You’ve clearly not seen enough police shows, Ugeine.
Piqued – I probably would be. I’m in an exceptionally good mood, me. I’m even thinking of doing some charity work or something.
I can almost feel the Holy glow off of your posts NC.
Thanks, Clarry. I’m wondering whether I should try to heal the sick or something? Or maybe the animals?
So, you going to have the weekend you didn’t manage last time round?
You’ve the Grand National to sit in front of in your pants this week
I managed that last Saturday, Piqued. It was Sunday everything went tits up. Missed Last of the Summer Wine, Antiques Roadshow and Songs of Praise. And I’ve not seen ‘Stenders, Holby, or The Apprentice, neither.
Napoleon: I’m a simpleton who enjoys things aimed at children, remember.
*flicks pogs*
So what actually happened?
(there is a labrador puppy in the office, marvellous he is)
I can’t wait for this new The Prisoner series to come out. It’ll be multi-layered and have pathos and allegory and political undertones and all of that and hot chick with tits and those big floaty balls and a penny farthing and hopefully Portmerion.
I hear Dave Gorman’s doing voiceover work on radio ads for Homebase. You keep on sticking it to THE MAN, Dave.
What actually happened? When? Saturday or Sunday?
On sunday, when you crossed the line from ‘mm, I’m feeling jolly ropey’ to ‘no, it’s no good, AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE’
Agonising arse spasms, Piqued.
Something for the casual readers there …
I have never had an endoscopy.
I have had several CAT scans in the last year though. NOt for serious stuff, i just keep concussing myself.
Why did you have a CAT scan, Mel? Were you FELINE unwell?
I do know that feeling by the way, not with AAS but the part when you realise that something is so awful you’ve concluded that you will most certainly not be wasting the NHS’ valuable time and you need assistance.
That’s the point that it really starts to hurt, the time you’ve accepted that, yes, I need fucking help, now.
Dave: you are a bladdy shambles. I can’t work with what you have on offer, and your sense of humur is clearly lacking. Dave, Yer fiyered.
It was the missus that came to that conclusion when I was reeling around on the floor, screeching and kicking my legs out like a wounded horse. The buggers had me pumped up to the gills on morphine in no time though, which was fun. The camera up my innards wasn’t. I never knew I had that amount of innards.
About 9m worth Nappers.
Sweet, sweet Morphine
You know what I mean about the pain getting worse when you’re on your way…
I had fingers in mine, I have to say I rather liked it
Naughty Morphine
Fingers would have been preferable to that bastard camera worming its way about my particulars. Quite the worst thing I’ve ever watched on TV. Indeed, I might even write a review of it for WWM after I’ve finished this piece about why The Wire’s not as good as Spender.
NC, the worst thing i have ever seen on medical TV was when certain parts of my innards were being cauterised. This is something that only ladies will know about, so i won’t go into detail. That was bloody awful, i tell ya.
Oh, and i didn’t get morphine, just rubbish local anaesthetic. *sulks*
Ew, total gross out…
I must say that I wasn’t expecting to see pictures (taken from the inside of my body cavity – a sort of bird’s eye view of my organs) to fall out of my medical file at my follow up appointment after my operation in January. Not one bit.
My insides are very pink and healthy looking. Apart from the blue bits from where all the dye was leaking out.
Morphine’s dead ace, Mel. I had all loads of it.
Oh dear. that sounds bad clarry. Hohpe you, like Nappers are all better now.
Yes, i know. I used to get morphine when i fell off horses.
Oh, that means i *have* injected heroin. Sorry for lying to you all ^^up there.
Oh I’m ok, thanks Mel. My tummy now has a clean bill of health but my problem remains a mystery.
Tummy is a funny word.
TUM-MY!
I’m just reading through some of Prince Phillip’s famous gaffs. My favourite so far was said to a Scotch driving instructor:
“I’m surprised you can keep the natives off the booze long enough for them to pass the driving test.”
Oh and i have remembered something else that i have never done (until this week) and that is got an article published on WWM – thanks SH!
Mel, I’ve got my own weekly section from now on. Swineshead is Woopi Goldbherg in Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit and I’m one of the no good street kids she’s given a project to.
That can’t be how you spell Whippy Goldburger.
oooooookaaaaaaay Dave. Er, congratulations, but i’m not really sure why you are telling me specifically….
Dave – I noticed with horror your new weekly section of poorly photoshopped Apprentice pictures. Standards are dropping on this site now that Mingles, Piqued and Quincy have stopped writing because they’re all lazy arseholes. We’re just left with dross like you now. It’s a damned shame.
Because you’re the only person in the comments section named mel, talking about getting something published on WWM.
Do people picture how other people on WWM look in their brains?
BPPerry – The quality of Photoshopping in that image is incredibly high, thank you very much. I’ve only used the bastard three times and can already rival ‘professionals’ like yourself.
no, Ug, but i do picture how they might look IRL.
How do i look?
*flicks hair*
He’s just making an excuse to talk to you Mel.
Dave loves Mel!!!!!!!!!!!
I imagine Mel to look like Mel from Mel & Sue and Ugeine to look like a grunge fan.
Dave – I’m reporting you to Adobe. I’m fairly certain an unemployable wretch who lives with his mother after being proved a worthless failure cannot afford the outrageous price we ‘professionals’ have to pay for our software. Let’s see how well you do badly splicing one picture into another from a prison cell, shall we?
Mel: Very tall with brown hair, for some reason.
Not like I’ve got anything to go on. Dave’s a square headed ginger, Napoleon has a round face, stubble, receding hair line.
I know what SH and Piqued look like, and I picture Clarry as skinny with glasses.
Can anybody tell I’m a tall Trinidadian body builder?
I’ll Photoshop a certificate using my level 5 Photoshop skills. What level are you, 4?
Dave – the only thing that would improve this site for me is an ignore button.
I DO NOT LOOK LIKE MEL GIEDROYC.
Pah, although i suppose one with your imagination would imagine me to look like Mel off of Mel and Kim if this were the 80s.
I’ve a piece due on here shortly NC, did one on monday all about eating cocks
Ugeiune, i much prefer your version. I do have brown hair, but, compared to my fellow townspeople, I am not at all tall.
Fucking Mel Giedroyc. *boils piss*
I could have said Sideshow Mel from The Simpsons or even MELvin Bragg.
I thought “horse” was heroin?
I look like a young Big Crosby without the childcare issues.
*is leaving in 5 minutes*
It’s lookig quite hot out there, may have to put on the aircon on the way home (via bloody Newbury)
Wot people on WWM look like:
Ugeine – An ugly runt with a mousey bowl haircut.
Swineshead – A toucan crossed with a hamster with clown’s hair. Also very shifty.
Piqued – Crippled old man in teenager’s clothes.
Me – Balding, big-nosed, big-eared lout with bad teeth.
Dave – Wet sack of shit.
WWM women – All sexy-nude with big tits that DO NOT like those flappy atrocities they had on that Sex Education vs Pornography show they had on the other night. Having sexy lesbian sex, not jackboot and braces, Greenham Common, feminist lesbian sex with rectangular glasses and short cropped hair. And a bad attitude.
you just have no imagination Dave.
Nappers, that is mostly accurate, except i do have a bad attitude.
Not too far off the mark there, Dave.
Napoleon’s right though.
Good to see I was half way there Mel!
Mel – And you’re all wearing SS uniforms with exposed tits, suspenders, stockings and no knickers.
*wanks*
This comp is shit. I can’t get twitter, facebook or watch crap telly!
SH, any joy on getting R Brand to contribute yet?
You all look like this:
http://bpperryillustration.blogspot.com/2008/02/nazi-pin-up.html
Apologies for my level four Photoshopping skills.
Careful they don’t put a camera up your winkie Naps!!!
*fucks off*
I didn’t splice anything on that fucking image. I used layers and other things I can’t remember now. Complex level 5 PSing anyway. Any tool can make a giant arse floating in space.
Nappers – what are knickers?
Dave – A monkey could have come up with that Apprentice image. A MONKEY. Face it, you couldn’t create complex things such as badly-rendered giant space arses on your stolen software because you’re mentally handicapped and monstrously untalented. They may as well have thrown you on the scrap heap the day you were born.
What do you mean, ‘What are knickers’? Knickers is what knickers is. KNICKERS.
I’m going to fucking use the bastard emboss tool on my next image. Raise the stakes a little.
Dave – I was using the emboss tool since before you were born. AND you steal women’s underwear off of washing lines, bathe in your own faeces, masturbate over images of children’s cartoon characters, excrete sweat that smells of fish guts and fart into your cupped hands so you can ‘drink’ your own ordure. You disgust the entire planet, you flabby waste of space.
I can draw a penis in paint.
Right, I’m off for drugging and drinking in the sunshine. Happy weekend all x
‘Crippled old man in teenager’s clothes.’
Yes, I suppose that’s about right. I know my foibles. I take it like an (old) man so I do
Bye Mel, drop a dot for Piqued
These continental types, they’re all no good, I tells ya.
*downs battery acid*
U – Yes I do all the time. Last time I asked for photographic evidence they posted all rubbish pictures that blatantly weren’t of them. I still want to know what everyone looks like – I hope peolpe will be brave enough to reveal themselves one day (for all I know I may have sat next to one of you on a bus).
U – Not bad on the guess front. I am skinny, and have only recently started wearing glasses (but they is only for the computer, okay?). I am not a geek though. RIGHT?
I know what SH, Nap, Nick and Piqued look like but that’s all. Oh yeah and Dave.
Nap – The pic at the top of your link (the housewife with all ovens, Hoovers and fridges stuck to her) is EXACTLY like my dreams. In my dreams I walk through a room and everything I walk past sticks to me. By the end of my dream i’m trying to drag my sorry carcass along with millions of stuff weighing me down. I wake up exhausted.
Glasses only make men look geeky, I think.
Good idea about the pictures! Here’s mine, to start the ball rolling:
http://tinyurl.com/db8vp9
U!! That isn’t you… Is there a secret repository where we can all upload an image of our *real* selves?
Nick is the only one who should really fear this as there are nudey shots of him in books…. In the name of art I might add!
My glasses are ok aktcherly. Still feel a bit conscious of them as they are relatively new to me. Are a facebook chum of WWM U?
I meant are YOU a facebook chum of WWM U.
Glasses are the mark of a nonce. A NONCE! My missus got some glasses last Saturday, and now I reckon she’s diddling kiddies. I reckon it’s disgusting. With their sweets and their puppies and their what-have-yous.
yes i am clarry, you can find me there.
Fuck, I was right about Napoleon! Apart from the stubble. And I didn’t guess the swastika tattoo on his face, which was a bit of a no brainer now I think of it.
Ug – I could find you on there if I knew what your name was… So you will have to give me a secret clue.