It was Lorraine who took the thirty-minute-warning call from Amstrad Incorporated last night at the top of the show, and I don’t think a more unflattering shot’s been employed in Apprentice History ™. Lorraine wobbled away from the phone like a crumpled crone, while all around her prepared for the day. Kim partially flopped her sugar puffs out for the camera, Kate removed a lobe of her brain, James done a line in the bogs and Ben flexed the muscles of his four foot frame in front of the hallway mirror, naked, with a puny erection.
Before they’d even set off, Phillip moaned about having to go to the boardroom, despite not yet knowing who’d be going to the boardroom, while Ben employed another of his pleasant allegories – ‘whoever I’m up against, their arseholes’ll be twitching like rabbit’s noses’.
What a gloriously overconfident turd he’s turning out to be.
In the ‘world famous’ Lea Valley Athletics Centre (don’t ask me – I thought Lea Valley was a brand of double cream) the teams were mixed for the first time. Kim and Kate went over to join Empire, siding with Howard, James, Majid, Kate, Ben and Cream Puff Kim. Over on the Ignite side, Noorul and Phil crossed over, joining Debra, Lorraine, Paula and Mona.
Got that? Then we’ll begin.
Debra put her foot down so hard she trampled part of Lorraine’s face when implanting herself as Team Leader for Ignite, whilst James was met by blank expressions and the odd unenthusiastic ‘ok then’ when he put himself forward. So – Debra vs James. The brutal brunette versus the jittery jumper. Bring it on.
Empire kicked off with a brainstorm. Ben took the bull by the horns and started talking about some kind of spring mounted system for having sex on. In the background, James grasped for the reins but couldn’t take control as Ben prattled on about his boingy-bonk machine, wasting valuable time. Eventually they settled on a multi-gym knock off which went from being called the Bingo Wing Buster to the Home MultiSomethingorOther. When it was returned from the designers to Empire’s specifications it resembled a knackered, practice guitar amp, looked like it smelled of ashtray and underwhelmed all concerned.
Ignite’s brainstorm seemed to consist solely of Phillip swivelling around on his buns, gyrating his hips and bending his knees. A decision was made, based on the fluid movement of the Estate Agent’s ball and socket kinesis, to create a Bum Ball. The name got changed somewhere along the way.
A strange incident in the car later, when Debra took a call from Yasmina regarding who would model their Bum Ball Hip Swivel when the time came. Yasmina preferred Phillip to Noorul because she feels he’s better looking. But then she mixes her signals by adding that it would be better to have one white model and one from an ethnic minority – so Phillip and Mona would be a better shot.
Now, quite apart from the clumsy juxtaposition of her points and despite the fact she insultingly discussed someone’s physical appearance on speakerphone, I don’t think Yasmina meant any harm here. There’s a marketing term – multi-ethnicity – referring to the mix of colour in a promotional shot, and I think that’s all she was driving at. Debra reacted badly, however, and kicked off a short, sharp argument in which it became quite clear that she was trying to place herself as a non-racist, overstating it to the point where you had to question her motives. As a result, it’s hard to see her as anything other than a card-carrying member of the BNP. Reverse psychology, see?
When their Swiv-hip 2000 arrived in the post, Mona demonstrated it by straddling it missionary-style and pulling a sex face. The product looked pretty good in neutral green and white, and clearly to the mind of Mona that was too much to bear and she began to require its services sexually. Admittedly, in comparison with Ben’s monstrosity, theirs was some hot-sexy product design, so you can’t blame Mona for her perversions. When she took her place for the photoshoot she literally spent the entire shoot with her legs spread, as the male element in the room gazed around the room for somewhere right and proper to look. On the other team, Ben flexed his little muscles, the self-appointed best looking member of the group turned hopeless creative force and, by now, squat model. It’s hard to tell if Ben’s appearance is all a cleverly constructed joke on the viewer.
And so to the pitches – traditionally a barrel of laughs but a little short this time. Still, we had some memorable fluffs, like Phillip declaring his Swivelhip 2000 was the new iPod and Ben slapping his own arse-mid presentation – but my favourite was either Mona’s foot-shooting ‘It doesn’t work on my bottom – so it’s brilliant’ or Lorraine explaining that ‘Nana’ could use the multi-gym – which put the unwelcome image of Nana Swineshead doing squat thrusts to my tired mind. Debra’s assessment of whipping girl Lorraine’s pitch style was a shocker – ’she comes across as either hearing impaired or slightly stupid’ she said, and you can’t help but wonder how many complaints that drew from people watching with subtitles.
Incidentally, I’m sure one of the retailers being pitched to was one of the Last Millionaires. And the fact I recognised him reveals that I watch far, far, FAR too much of this kind of television.
To the boardroom!
Sugar was on form last night for the first time this series, mainly because he’s better when reacting to bullshit, shooting down his prey than he is reading from a script. I particularly enjoyed his pointed explanation to Debra that anyone who gives 110% is a mug, because ‘they’ve been done for 10%’.
James’s Empire received 500 orders, remarkably. On the other team, Debra’s Ignite received 10,180 and won by a country mile. Yasmina was criticised by Sugar for throwing the figure of 20,000 for six months exclusivity into the pitch, but it seems entirely possible the 10,000 from John Lewis came as a reaction to her not buttoning up her over-quote. She should be championed if you ask me – good old unbiased Swineshead. Anyway, it’s by the by – they won and got to watch a blonde woman destroy some Leonard Cohen.
Off to the Bridge Cafe, an establishment that must be pig sick of failed Recruitment Consultants and Property Sales Sods mooching about their floor, bickering like children and letting their tea go cold. If I were the proprieter I’d put a sign on the door – ‘No more than two pinstripes at a time’.
James took Majid and Ben back into the boardroom. Personally, I was crossing my fingers on Ben being a surprise firing, what with him seizing the task, wrestling it from James and sending it down to hell in a knackered lift.
Whilst the viewer second-guessed whether it’d be multiple loser James who got the chop or snarky little berk, Ben, Sugar had other ideas and gave Majid the boot. Affable, friendly Majid – the lovely fellow with that beardy talking point.
Truly, nice guys come last.
* * * * *
Preview
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Last series.
106 Comments
” … looked like it smelled of ashtray …”
Superb line.
Thankyou Mr Cockaparte. And good morning!
Just watched it…Philip is getting better.
I think there should be more shots of the girls getting dressed in the morning. I also liked Debra and Yasmina holding hands. Not quite a full on “Phwoaarrr” but more a “hmmmm like it”.
1-3.
A new rule – if you want to talk football, go to yesterday’s post… sound fair?
Good.
DINLT, you appear to have eaten aphrodisiac for breakfast. Cold shower.
just need to get the bottle blond involved and this would be good TV.
**goes off for cold shower**
2 x ‘at the end of the day’ 2 x 100+%. But one was from Surallen, so I’m not sure if it counts.
I’m going to make a graph.
At least we didn’t cringe in embarrassment while watching this one like we did during the last one. Mostly we went “Isn’t she a horrible bitch?” when Debra was on screen, and “What a cock” when Ben was on screen.
Incidentally, how exactly did Debra end up as team leader? It looked like Lorraine had said she’d do it, everyone had gone “ok then, whatever” and then Debra said “Ok, so everyone’s happy for ME to do it, right?” Weird.
Also, did I hear right? Kate puts fake tan on her face every night before she goes to bed? Is that normal?
Also also, did I see on some cover of something like Heat that two Apprentice contestants had been shagging but now aren’t? Which were they? I think I saw Phillip but I didn’t see which girl. I could probably go to the Daily Mail website or somesuch and find out, but: no.
morning all.
i got drunked last night, ate a filthy burger in the back of a £35 cab ride home, sucked some water, monged solpadeine and have woken up fresh as a spring lamb this morning. wahey!
thanks for the apprentice round up, again, sh. it’s brill that i don’t have to bother watching this show but can appropriate all your clever one liners when discussing said programme with people here at work.
tops.
@DINLT: the other half also liked the hot girl-on-girl action. There were two of them curled around each other on the sofa at the end too (I think it was Paula and Debra). Wronge.
Also also also, I can’t mourn Majid’s passing, because the only other thing I remember about him was when he said “I’m not being sexist, but” and then said something sexist.
Yep noticed that too offensive_mango. All girl on girl action should include Yasmina.
What’s this about an affair?
**starts googlin**
I have a horrible feeling that Phillip may go far in this year’s series. Possibly at the expense of my tip, Debra – there’s usually only one bullying twat in the last 3.
Just skimmed it on the iplayer.
A wooden box is not a good looking product unless the product is a wooden box.
Interesting shot at the end when the two survivors returned. The one that looks like Grace (from Will & Grace) lying across another womens lap. Not suggesting any kind of Carry On … antics but aliances being made eh?
I saw Rock The Boat last night in our brand new cinema courtesy of Orange Wednesday. Tres fancy…
Favourite line of the evening came from Lorraine during her practice pitch: “It gives stable… er… stability!”
And did you notice that Philip sprung manfully to Lorraine’s defence when Debra criticised her pitch in the boardroom? He’s not all bad after all.
.
Ben, on the other hand, is a rodent-faced cockflute. Despite being told to keep it simple, he comes up with a design that looked like something Doctor Mengele used regularly on his patients, yet he still failed to see that his design was the reason they failed the task.
It was a bit BSDM, that box.
http://www.unrealitytv.co.uk/the-apprentice/the-apprentice-2009-kate-walsh-denies-affair-with-phillip-taylor/
Oh and a quick pedant’s point. I may be wrong, but was it not 20,000 units on offer, rather than £20,000 for 6 months? I don’t think money was involved in this task – only number of orders.
God, I’m pathetic…
Typo. Massive apologies!
If that Kate is having and affair with Phil, he must be a happy man. Sorry to be crude, but she looks like she can fit both his old fella and his right testicle in her mouth at the same time.
Nap..are you really sorry to be crude?
I liked the liberal use of the word ‘dynamic’ in last night’s episode. I’ve met a fair few business types in my life, and they all love that word. Ask them what it means, however, and you may as well be asking ‘em how much Jupiter weighs.
DINLT – I am. I know a few ladies read this, and I think it’s only fair to apologise before offending their delicate sensibilities. No doubt most of ‘em swooned after reading that dockside comment of mine.
Nice one! Thanks for that – I’m living in Morocco so can’t bloody get it over here and have to rely on commentary such as yours and erm, Heatworld.
You can’t use the word ‘dynamic’ any more in recruitment. It’s disciminatory against the elderly and the differently abled. No joke.
on the contrary, nappers, i found it to be quite exciting, particularly in my ghosty-slightly-hungover-but-not-actually-unwell state.
Yer welcome, Caroline.
Caroline – google UKNova – it’s just what you need… designed for ex-pats I believe.
Breeks – You didn’t swoon? Well I’ll be. All these years, Gone With The Wind’s been lying to me.
Whereabouts in Morocco are you Caroline?
Mornin’
I am grumpy today, because i missed the show, but stupidly managed to flick through BBC2 and saw who was on yer fiyered. I will still watch it on catch up, but wish i hadn’t seen that brief glimpse of the loser.
I went to primary school with a bloke called Philip Taylor. The only thing that i remember about him was that we used to sing a song (to the tune of London Bridge is Falling Down) that went “Taylor looks like Johnny Briggs, Johnny Briggs” etc. This was because he looked like the little boy that played Johnny Briggs in the eponymously titled children’s series.
All that aside, i still reckon this philip taylor will win.
I am liking the WWM lust in that seems to be the theme for today.
That should be lust-in. Like the bed-in, only not for peace.
gone with the wind is an absolute piece of shit-filled codswallop and there are no redeeming features identifiable in respect of any part of scarlett or rhett’s personalities.
or ashley’s, that weak-livered sop.
anyway, i don’t like it, really.
hello mel. cheer up! holiday tomorrow!
oh.
hmmm.
Hi Breeks. Apart from having the suspense of the Apprentice ruined for me, I am feeling fairly chipper today, thanks.
I will miss you all tomorrow, and may actually have to do work
*swoons*
I felt rather sorry for Lorraine last night. Not cos of the way she bumbled though her speech but cos she is slowly but surely turning into Roy Hattersley, poor sod.
And just who’s lovely bottom was on show in the girlies bedroom? Quite gave me a turn I tell you…
That was Mona’s arse, Sid.
I think.
Debra’s assessment of whipping girl Lorraine’s pitch style was a shocker – ’she comes across as either hearing impaired or slightly stupid’ she said, and you can’t help but wonder how many complaints that drew from people watching with subtitles.
Didn’t she say that she comes across as talking to people who are hearing impaired or stupid?
It was a pity Ignite won, I thought, I was looking forward to a shouting match between Debra and Lorraine.
I enjoyed Rock the Boat, thanks.
I’m off to Portsmouth for a business meeting with people who think I can actually make a living from writing songs.
The very thought!!
what would you call your team, given the chance?
i’m plumping for skulldrivers or knobends.
Wahey nick. good luck!
I also think it is a pity ignite won, i think that awful flat faced bully should be in the board room as often as possible.
Also, kudos to sue de nymph for giving me my new favourite swears – rat-faced cockflute – that is inspired.
Breeks – I’d call my team ‘The Buxom WHORES’.
Hmm, that is a good question, Breeks. I think i would suggest ‘Thrust’ because it is symbolic of the drive needed to succeed and to be the apprentice. It is also what one should do if one is equipped with a penis (between consenting adults, of course)
Coclkflutes may be a more honest name
Ruudboy – possibly. She’s still a member of the BNP.
Obv I’d call my team THE WINNERS.
It was Yasmina’s arse at the beginning – I just checked.
In slow motion.
Several times.
I love you, Virgin Media.
Oh. I thought Sid meant Mona’s giant backside lowering itself in the stately manner of an ocean liner manoeuvering slowly into port on to their arse-hardening contraption. Curse this new widescreen technology!
Why is that James thing still there? The man is simply disgusting.
(I have a hangover of note)
Nancy Banks Smith’s review’s good today -
This week’s task was to design and market a piece of home exercise equipment as Sir Alan, in the fashionable mood of financial stringency, had decided that no one wanted to pay for “those fancy gyms”. Something cheap and cheerful that wouldn’t end up in the attic. A dog, for instance.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2009/apr/09/last-nights-tv-apprentice
Nappers – he meant Yasmina in the background through an ajar door in white bra and thong – all blurry and hardly distinguishable.
*rewinds again*
Going back to the nub of the matter and the sacking of Majid. I don’t think he deserved to go. OK the reason was he was a passenger. I disagree, he did all that was asked of him, the toga business etc, and whilst not at the forefront he nonetheless contributed. This task was not a natural one for Majid, and either of the other 2 should have gone. Basically sugar was saying he’ s not good TV, and by that I mean he’s not up himself like the others. He should have been made project manager next week to prove himself.
hello piqued.
snap.
*eats more solpadeine*
actually i am quite well, having restricted my intake to bourbon, in large quantities, but yet of singular brandage.
DINLT: I think that Maj should have been sacked, but he was sacked for the wrong reasons. After they’d agreed to keep it simple, he kept adding bits to it, which I thought was why they ended up with a horrible underdesigned thing.
Just rewatched the bit about multi-ethnicity…
Debra: If I had a child and someone said they can’t be in an ad cos they’re black
(erm…)
Debra: No! We’re not in bloody Vietnam!
(???)
Ruud you are right. I had forgotten that he had tinkered with it.
Good episode last night and good review of it SH.
Two other things I noticed were Ben’s multi coloured socks, that nicely complemented his pinstripe and braces ensemble.
Also, in the boardroom, Ben’s claim to have ‘provided all the ideas and the science behind the pitch’. Science?
P.S On You’re Fired, they mentioned the lady who ’spoke out of the side of her mouth when on the phone’. I believe one heard that here first. Do you reckon Chiles studies your reviews for witty analysis of the contestants SH? GO WWM!
I didn’t get that Vietnam line neither. I know there was some sort of war over there, but I didn’t realise they had a problem with racist advertising strategies.
Swineshead, like me I take it you’re in love with Yasmina?
Any chance we can get her arse up on youtube?
If I were the proprieter I’d put a sign on the door – ‘No more than two pinstripes at a time’.
Cracking line
Clarry, we live in a post Chilesean society* and if he wants inspiration from us lowly bloggers, he can have it.
*(c) Stewart Lee – apparently not as funny as the advertising meerkat
Exactly Nappers – it came out of nowhere.
Sid – Out of the girls I’d say Yasmina and Mona come top of the pops, with Yas edging it to first place. As for her arse on Youtube, I sadly lack the tech.
SirT – Thankyou sir. Everyone’s being jolly nice today!
We’ll see their true colours during the Friday Question on a Thursday, eh Napoleon?
It will give your children stable…stability! I’m assuming this is Debra’s proposed child that ‘couldn’t be on TV because you’re black’ they were talking about.
SH – Re: above – I think it’s ace. You’re sort of famous by proxy.
Stewart Lee, definitely funnier than stupid Meercat advert. Simpulz.
*cringe*
I wonder if Dave’s weekly Apprentice look-a-like is going to be King Leonidis from the homoerotic, fascist death-fest ‘300′. If it is, how bloody obvious can you get?
why does the meerkat have that strange accent, anyway? they are african. he should sound african.
Swineshead – Indeed.
*waits with finger poised on last digit of 999*
Clarry – To be honest, not sure it was me that mentioned Kate’s mouth, it came up in the comments…
Agree Breeks, there is no need for him to sound like Tony Drago at all.
I know it did SH. I meant WWM is sort of famous.
*weeps with exhaustion*
I’m just being humble, like.
Right, I’m almost at the end of rewatching this, the saddo I am, and I am forced to agree that Phillips is nowhere near as bad as I thought he was. Defence of Lorraine was tactical, but valiant.
SH if you’re watching it back can you capture a still of Ben’s crime against socks. I want to admore them again.
admire
I lack the technology, Clarry… Looking at getting that sort of business soon though. When I do, Yasmina’s arse and Ben’s socks will be first and second on my list. In that order.
A sock poking out of her arse would be pretty amazing. Technology eh?
WHERE IS THE FRIDAY QUESTION ON A THURSDAY?
i is bored of apprentices.
As you wish – I’ll stick it up. At 1pm.
I’d like to take this opportunity to declare that James is my favourite Apprentice. Whenever he’s under fire in the boardroom his face develops an expression that can only be described as “6 year old boy upset because someone poked his kitten with a stick, broke his Nintendo DS, wiped the save file from his Pokemon Diamond and then called him longface smellypants.”
.
I still think the blonde girl will win it, but James is just so entertaining to watch – I hope he stays in for a while yet.
thanks SH. i’m off to eat egg sandwiches with my friend. see you in a bit.
I like James too, Sue. If you slo-mo his facial expressions it’s like looking into a vortex.
God I feel ill, egg sandwiches
Huurrrrrrrrrrrr
I’m eating egg sandwiches, Piqued. Again.
Hurrrrr
*remeners what was wrong with Happers*
HURRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAACHHHHHHQ
Check that bunch of typos out, I can’t see
Why is your head so poorly Piiqued? Were you celebrating last night? was it football related?
Does it look like Maj’s head, which i think looks like someone off of guess who? I think i may not be the first person to have made this observation.
Like Sue, i think he should have gone, because has made a few rubbish sexist jokes.
I had the delightful Roti Roll for lunch. Surinamese junk food, with peanut sauce. Mmm mmm.
I just shat an egg sandwich out of my ruptured arsehole, ate it, puked it up again, then watched Les Dennis on the telly pooing eggs out his arse.
I had a thing on with work -free wine. Red
Free wine always tastes the best, even when it is rubbish wine. which it usually is at these dos.
I’ve just let out a fart wot smells of medicine.
It was virtually undrinkable, Mel. One would’ve though more of the hosts frankly
However, where there’s a will and all that
SH – Don’t you just pause it, press print screen and paste it into photobucket, then post link? I would do it but can’t seem to access iplayer on my computer since it was cured of the sickness.
‘I’ve just let out a fart wot smells of medicine.’
so it’s you that’s been drinking the hand cleanser in hospitals (any good?)
well, i hope your boss is grateful that you took one for the team Piqued.
My fucking boss didn’t come cos his back was fucked leaving me to do all the bloody nodding, loose.
I could do that, Clarry, but I can’t be arsed.
I meant taking a proper screenshot from the V+ box.
You’re right on my case today.
*tells on Clarry to teacher*
There was a shitbag in hospital wot didn’t wash his hands after going to the toilet. Instead, he used that alcohol hand-rub stuff you get at the end of each bed. So there was him, wiping his shit all over the flusher, the light switch, the door and handle, but at least he was looking after number one when he got back to his own pit. And they wonder why our hospitals are groaning under the weight of super-bugs.
‘at least he was looking after number one when he got back to his own pit.’
but not number 2’s eh? ahahahrragghhhhuurrrr
*puts apple on teacher’s desk*
Who is the teacher?
I am one of those “people who watched with subtitles” and yes I was complaining, albiet to myself and my lounge furniture.
What an appalling comment to make! after she got on the ‘you racist’ bandwagon as well!
She was out of order, whatever way she meant it – whether she meant Lorraine or the people Lorraine was presenting to, she equated being hearing impaired with being ’stupid’, which is bad, bad, bad.
I mean – we’re not in Vietnam.
Taxi!
not forgetting stupid people also and Alan Carr
Yes.
I am not proud.
And I can’t post pictures in here either, so you’ll have to have a link:
http://www.grabup.com/uploads/e8ee7d108929c57858d8e680b38a9f34.png
. . . wow!
Jings! Great work Ruudboy! Best post of the day, without a doubt.
Definitely Yasmina’s arse.
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