There were tears, there were tantrums, there was an unearthly primal scream of sheer horror. I turned my television on, still uninformed as to who’d been fired this week (having not yet watched the show), and the You’re Fired programme was showing Kimberly’s best bits. With a little bit of psychological detective work (carried out against my will by my blasted brain, I ought to add) I found I’d given away the ending of the show to myself. Thus, carnage ruled my living room as I tore every piece of furniture from its casters in a fit of unbridled fury.
Happily, as it turns out, it really doesn’t make that big a difference if you know which suit got the boot. We all know the fun is in the chase, so having early knowledge when it comes to the artifice of the firing at the end (how can you fire someone who’s not yet been hired anyway?) doesn’t spoil things too much.
Incidentally, apologies if you read the first paragraph of this review without seeing the show first and I spoiled it for you.
Right. Moving on: Last night’s opening ceremony saw Debra answer the phone to the unlikely 30 minute warning. Somehow, in the midst of all this, someone had time to boil a couple of eggs.
Now – if those are soft-boilers, they’ll require just short of four minutes, with additional time for toast-buttering and tea-making to consider in the process (these are essential, non-negotiable elements). Alternatively, if they’re hard-boilers, they’ll need at least nine minutes in the pan. In addition, even a man needs at least twenty minutes to get ready, plus about five minutes for bowel evacuation and front-watering – so whoever plunged those eggy-weggs was either flippantly dicing with their own death or is extremely self-assured and brilliantly adept when multi-tasking. Whoever boiled those eggs should be The Apprentice.
A soft boiled egg takes a good while to eat, after all. A hard-boiler can be slipped in the pocket and saved for later. Perhaps this was the methodology selected by the canny egg-preparer who, in my opinion, should go on to win this thing.
Off to the IMAX, where Alan Sugar’s face filled the big screen. A dream realised for Sir Alan, a nightmare made actuality for the rest of us. The task this week turned out to be the same as last year’s tissue advertising challenge, this time with cereal instead of nose-wipes. They were asked to brand the breakfast – essentially rice crispies with dried fruit, unappetisingly – and then pitch it back to the ad agency with a TV ad and a well-designed box. And a good cartoon character. Forward-thinking viewers will have noticed at this point that we were all set for some costume wearing at some point in the show. Exciting!
Empire were shadowed by Margaret and led by Kate who insightfully warned Ben, her underling this week, that there were to be no ’sex sells’ brainstorms. The rest of her crew, James, Yasmina and Debra, agreed, using silence as their weapon.
On Ignite’s team, Nick followed Kimberly as she tried to lead one of the most uncomfortable looking clans in the history of the show. To me, it looked like Phillip felt he’d been landed with the B Team and couldn’t see how it had happened. All the star players were over on Empire whilst he was stuck with the geek squad, and it caused him to erupt into character – a power-hungry, pants-obsessed loon.
The man was a monster in the team’s brainstorm. When Lorraine tried to blurt out her hopeless ideas, she was confronted with Phillip screaming in what can only be described as an aggressively passive aggressive style. His first idea for the character – the Cereal Killer – would never get past the censors. He then took an idea he’d had, pants-based, as it was, and asked if he could ‘flipside’ those pants. The others, ground down by his relentlessly awful conversational style – bark, growl, huff – went with the underwear idea, including his mind-boggling ‘dance in your pants’ song. The idea being that when you wake up, you’re so bleary eyed that you put your pants over your trousers. Wake Up Call cereal will apparently cure this common household occurence that never happens.
Phil walked all over the colour scheme for the ‘Pantsman’, then sulked when he was defied and the edit cut to a lovely shot of him sulking whilst colouring in. Typically, Phil wrestled back the lead on the jingle-writing side of the project. Working with an assigned songwriter who looked confused and incredulous throughout, Phil’s Dance In Your Pants song was largely indecipherable. ‘He thinks he’s Bono’, muttered the man on the keys.
Empire’s brainstorm was a far better example of how these things should go, with a natural progression of ideas which ends with a pretty marketable idea. Kate’s management style appeared to be anything goes, so long as Ben wasn’t allowed to do anything. She kept the rasping short-arse tied up with the stupid stuff – putting on pirate parrot costumes and moaning in the background – while all around her flourished on the Captain Squawk and the Treasure Flakes concept.
Over on Team Disaster, Kim made the fatal error of asking the designers to create the back and sides of her cereal box without any input from her people. Little surprise then that the narked off graphics whizz returned a box which, apart from the back panel, was a block of solid green. He probably did this to spite her as leaving a Designer without a brief is like leaving a child-minder with a deceased infant.
Their film shoot for the ad was directed by Kim and looked appalling, but it turned out later that their Editors pulled off a miracle and made it look amusing rather than freakish, given how terrified the children were while the cameras rolled. On the other team, with Ben confined to the hollow interior of a plastic parrot, things went off well despite their star performer’s nut allergy.
During the parrot-pitch, Debra turned in a strong performance and Kate handled one particularly cantankerous Marketing type well. Pants-pitch went a little differently with Mona in charge. Kim may not have been present when, during episode one, Mona steamrollered the manager of a hummer-hire firm. If she had, she wouldn’t have let her answer questions, let alone present their product. Her pitch was like watching a collision of juggernauts which somehow left no memory trace.
When they were all done, it was off to the boardroom for a right kicking from the bearded one.Ignite bizarrely but unanimously backed Kim apart from the dissenting voice of Lorraine who got told off for her ’snap, crackling and popping’ stance, even though she was justified, as things turned out.
Empire championed their leader Kate, with even Ben backing the blonde. This blew Alan’s mind and he took time out to have a pop at the ‘hoarse Ian Paisley’ soundalike – making it clear the unshaven idiot’s card is marked and that Ben’s teeth will be bitten out in the boardroom at some point soon.
Ignite were given the inevitable news that they’d failed. ‘Not funny! Stupid!’ screamed Alan, in his trademark succinct style. Empire, meanwhile, were sent off to do some laughing yoga with a guru in a tracksuit. It didn’t look much fun.
The loss lit Phillip’s touchpaper and, having hoarded all the toys for himself, he proceeded to chuck them from his pram with gay abandon. ‘We tried too hard’, he claimed before embarking on the tacit ‘Let’s Get Lorraine!’ mission that seemed to have been arranged. Kim’s histrionics and jazz hands did her no favours and, when Phillip finally flip-flopped from his anti-Lorraine agenda and cornered her, Kim was given the extended finger. Alan seemed to enjoy the process of firing an American, using therapy and psychoanalysis references to mock her ability to explain herself without resorting to cliche.
In his closing gambit, Alan said that Kimberly’s personality is like the final scene of the Wizard of Oz – where ‘behind the curtain nothing was there’. This is a badly rendered comparison, as behind the curtain was the eponymous wizard, who was little more than a frail old man.
I think The Apprentice final is more like The Wizard of Oz as once the glitzy procedure is over, the curtain is drawn back and all you can see is a bearded, wizened little tit pulling the strings.
In Brentford.
NEXT WEEK:
The contestants take part in Dickinson’s Real Deal in an exclusive shared-rights deal with ITV. Don’t miss it!
Preview
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Last series.
*end of football comment*
264 Comments
I thought the final scene of The Wizard of Oz was her back home in Kansas? I understand why he didn’t use this as his analogy, mind, as it wouldn’t have made any sense:
“You’ve defeated the witch, the Tin Man’s got his heart, the Scarecrow’s got his brain, the Cowardly Lion’s got his courage, you’ve discovered the wizard’s secret and you’ve used the ruby slippers to find your way back home to the farm … Kimberley, YOU’RE FIRED!”
Cocks?
Two highlights for me:
1. James at the recording studio, talking to a professional singer: “I ent tryin’ ta tell ya ahh ta do yer own job, luv, but can ya sing it vis way?” Yasmina: “Yeah, more cartoony – like this!” and proceeds to sing it really badly.
2. Team Crap arguing during Mona’s practice pitch; as they attempt to bite each other’s teeth out, the camera slowly pans down to their dreadful cereal box displaying the words “Wake Up Call”
Philip dodged the bullet last night, the big baby.
i think the most important point made by SH is the fact you can’t fire someone you’ve not employed.
plot hole.
morning all.
I havent watched any of this new series. Isnt it just the same old shite?
charliemingles – i never watch any of ‘em. that’s the beauty of wwm innit.
Great review, one of your most scathing! Quite apart from the ‘30 minute’ calls, there seems to be a lot of playing fast-and-loose with time in this series. The implication was that Pitch Day was the day following Design Day, but it’s hard to believe that those Pirate Parrot and Pantsman cozzies could have been run up overnight.
Mingles – It is the same old shite, yes. But with different people in it. Except Sugar, Nick and Marge.
I particularly liked Philip’s “How DARE you bring me into the boardroom!??!?!” stance towards the end.
How about a bowl of Chinnios?
Brian – I was in awe of the sound edit last night (yes, I am that sad) – they’re literally playing with time, vision and sound. One past vocal will be relayed over a future image creating a completely new scene. Big Brother’s got nothing on this.
Sue – James: I feel like Ringo Starr!
Napoleon – I think he meant ‘climactic’ rather than ‘final’. The final scene’s Dorothy farting on a toilet, isn’t it?
*checks DVD collection under bed*
CM & Breeks – Yes, it’s flawed and a tissue of lies, but it’s thoroughly good fun.
Moolthacker – Only if it’s served by Magnus Pyke.
im with mr collins on this one: its lost its appeal post credit crunch.
also, Im currently working alongside project managers on a proper project ( please direct your schoolboy retorts my way) and twats like the ones in this show wouldnt last five minutes. theyre usually very down to earth practical people.
Was that the both the best and the worst performances ever in a task on the same show? Not a single argument on one side, everyone smoothly working together and a great outcome. A constant screaming and sulking match on the other, and a disaster.
Kimberly was useless and had to go, but Philip should have been sacked too. Especially for his weaselly “If they don’t use my idea and we lose” cutaways, followed by his refusal to accept any responsibility when they used all his ideas and they were total pants. Noorul must have been relieved he managed to sneak under the radar on this one after his card was marked last week..
I’d forgotten the bit where Dorothy’s farting into a toilet.
Loved that Ringo line. I’ve warmed to James simply off of the back of that.
CM – as am i. or as do i. or both. and yes, you’re entirely right. the tasks blatantly invite ridiculous responses made by over-ego’d wannabes who can’t quite get where they want to be without resorting to cheap tv.
cheapish tv, then.
I’d better start watching shite TV again if Im to start writing for this rag again … assuming swinesy will take me back?
“Big Brother’s got nothing on this.”
Watching the bit with Mona and Kimberly arguing in the pitch preparation felt like watching Big Brother to me.
Mingles/Breeks – I think both you and Collins should take it as pure entertainment. It’s less ‘reality’ than Big Chef, Little Chef. LIGHTEN UP!
Napoleon – James makes me laugh a lot. He’s like the lost school geek.
Ruud – Noorul is a sinister spectre, always lurking in the background. He even managed to hide in the shadows dressed as pantsman.
sh – ok.
i can’t watch it at the moment, tho. i’ve been busy with antm and last night a rather touching iplayer replay of the 33 stone teenager. who’d've thunk it?
Sh – Yes, the bit of Noorul wanting to get involved with production while in the costume, being sent away and then sulking in the garage was excellent.
He couldn’t have made me laugh more if he’d roared, “I feel like Chris De Burgh!”
Also, none of us are giving Ignite the credit they deserve for the fact that their box was – get this – green!
Highlights for me were not watching the programme and going to see Elvis Costello instead.
Breeks – about to embark on the new ‘cycle’ of ANTM – Pleeeeeease no spoilers or I’ll give em away to the missus and end up castrated. Serious plea there.
Napoleon – I always feel like a bit of De Burgh.
ruudboy – Green box: make your own STD gag here ‘……………..’
Mings – We’ll have other blogs for you to write for soon. And you might even get paid (peanuts),
Elvis Costello? That pointless old scrote-bag? I’d rather watch The Apprentice, personally.
He’s not for everyone Naps.
One of my heroes though.
I’d also rather watch The Apprentice than an Elvis Costello gig. Unless you watched him in the early 80s when he made his vibrant punk-pop?
SH: just trying to create a bit of cut n thrust.
Where would this tinpot site be if, god help us, we all agreed with each other all the time? youd have to rename it ‘wherediditallgoright v2.0′
you miserable little toerag.
ah, its great to be back …
Great to have you back, you doddering old tit.
Nick – One of your heroes? What for? Has he relieved some seige I don’t know about? Did he save someone from drowning?
So who is our least favourite contestant then?
being a chimp, peanuts is my chosen method of payment anyway.
lots an lots of peanuts – but peanuts all the same …
fed to me by enormously titted blonde women off of russ meyer movies … whilst flying my own WWM helicopter.
that’ll do for starters … speak to my people about the details ….
Agree about the teams; I feared for my man Phil having to work with the thickies. Still, true to form he yelled at them a lot and then covered his ass for coming up with that godawful idea. FFS, Pantsman; there are no words.
What is ANTM? Apart from an unusual sexual practice from gay porn?
Least favourite’s easy – Ben. That little bastard.
I was rather surprised they went for the parrot. He looked too much like Hister for a kick off and the Pantsman was a far better concept
Hister?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8G57DHffac
Histor, I mean
no spoilers, agreed, SH, although cycle 12 is already up to episode 10 on youtube – why the delay? c’mon, c’mon….
elvis costello is ok on a few occasions. just a few. mostly to do with good spectacles. i always thought it was him singing ‘come on eileen’. for years. still do, a bit.*
*knows it isn’t him.
what other blogs? which? if i were any good at wordzz i’d have a bash at writing stuff but it’d be about ‘bridezillas’ and ‘little people big world’ and other giants of the sky+ back-end channels.
today i have No Meetings and subsequently am free (apart from giant list of things to do) to plop around endlessly online. get on with it!
I’ll go with Ben The Rodent-Faced Cockflute as my most disliked character…
Histor was a pirate crow, not a pirate parrot you bird-brain!
Yeah, well they look the same
(St. Georges aspect was a nice touch I thought)
Seeing as Debra was a remarkably restrained hatchet-beaked harridan this week, I think Mona gets ‘least favourite’ for her incessant bleating. For God’s sake woman, pull yourself together.
so ….
whats everyone been up to in the past 6 months?
Any marriages, divorces, deaths … Suicides I should know about? ( dave?)
whats napoleon having on his lunchtime sandwiches these days?
is nick still doing those appaling acoustic songs?
does clarry still type her comments from inside a sterile plastic bubble?
Any news I need to be informed of?
I’m already psyching myself up for a Ben and Phillip final, along the lines of:
Sugz – “right, youse two. You make me blahdy sick, the pair of ya. So the final task is a proper man fight, with sticks, knives, swords and guns. The first bloke what lives gets the job. The dead one loses and gets naffin”.
Something like that.
Mingles – I’m having some of that Brunswick ham stuff. German, I know, but we’re all friends now … so they tell me.
Piqued – I said the same thing to my missus about Histor – thought it a little obscure for the review though. People might deck me for it. Ho ho! ‘Deck’ like a ship’s deck!
4star – Mona’s lovely. Leave off her. All Safricans talk like that.
Breeks – Other blogs’ll be music and film for starters.
Oh – and Breeks – I’m slow to catch up on ANTM as I like to watch them in three hour chunks with loads to smoke, as does my better ‘alf. And we shout at Banks throughout for being a pretentious, brainless arsehole.
TYRA-MAIL!
Luuuuuurve… TYRA!
WOOOO!
*high five*
*falls off high heel into swimming pool*
sh – nice. mine eyes doth looketh forward to it.
An embrassing illness mentioned on The Wright Stuff just made me flashback to the worst migraine I ever experienced, hunched over a copy of Mayfair in the bog aged 14.
SH – perhaps the Histor link explains the eggs – like a bird’s egg – shot at the beginning?
sh – FIERCE!
tyra’s facial gurnings and modelling ‘examples’ get better (ie: worse) each season. it’s top.
i watched a marathon of episodes 1-9 last week. NINE EPISODES. i was well happy and model-drunk by the end. have sky-plussed britain’s next top model but it’s as usual bound to be a sadly cheapened and brassy version of the original. lisa snowden VS tyra banks = no contest.
heidi klum does the german version which is well weird. watched that once, too. is most odd.
Napoleon – fuck sake, youve made peace with the germans?
youll be telling me youve got a french girlfriend next. understandable of course – they are very dirty in bed.
Who – I went to your site yesterday for the first time in 6 months – and it was closed. turns out it was closed down on the day I turned up. should I take this personally?
Shit. Has BNTM started? Has it? SHIT.
It’s not as good, no.
Tyra’s examples:
‘Sister, don’t be pullin’ no face like this’
*pulls blank face*
‘You need to be throwin’ me THIs kinda look’
*pulls exactly the same blank face*
Ruudboy – I suspect you’ve nailed the egg reference.
don’t forget to ’smile with your eyes’.
’see this?’
*dead eyes*
‘and this?’
*deader eyes*
smile, dammit.
Coming up after the break on Trisha is a man with a lesbian parrot.
SH – My sister in law is a Saffer and she doesn’t. She talks at you as if you’ve crawled out from under a rock, not like she’s about to burst into tears if the sun goes behind a cloud.
Mingles – Made up with the Germans? Are you fucking mad? I’m still on my guard, ever-vigilant for when the Fourth Reich kicks off (which it will, you mark my words), don’t you worry about that.
And the missus isn’t French, thanks very much. She’s half German, half Scotch – keep your friends close and your enemies closer, etc.
which bit of her is german and which is scotch, nappers, and how can you tell?
I’m surprised that no-one mentioned Histor, SH, it was almost identical. Surely one of those advertising types would’ve seen This Morning With Richard Not Judy?
Having said that someone mentioned Bananaman with any ref to the TV show…
St. George is the patron saint of Germany btw
St George was a palestinian, as mentioned on The Wright Stuff several times each week.
Tom Hodgkinson was on The Wright Stuff, btw Piqued.
Breeks – The Nazi uniform, intolerance of jokes and a desire to invade Poland are definitely German traits, whereas her alcoholism, love of fried food and unwillingness to put her hand in her purse come from the Scotch side of the family. ‘McHitler’, I call ‘er, running away.
that’s a great name, naps.
what does she call you?
St. George? Palestinian? He’s English! Born in Milton Keynes, if memory serves. Dad was a builder.
Was he? I saw his brother last night weirdly too
What was Tom on about, Idle something or other?
Breeks – She doesn’t really call me anything. She just barks orders at me whilst necking a bottle of Buckfast at eight in the morning.
St. George was a Turk according to the BBC
*starts to love mchitler*
Piqued – He certainly wasn’t on about the slovenly way his wretched magazine deals with contributers. I sent in an e-mail damning him and that prat wot bangs on about clouds, but they didn’t read it out. The pair of ‘em need birching.
NC, possibly a good idea to keep these comments private old son
“St. George is the patron saint of Germany btw”
And Portugal, IIRC.
We’ll have no censorship here.
Well, maybe a bit.
Loads of them fourstar, have a look on youknowwhat
who here has played csi:dark motives on ds lite, eh?
i need a hand.
I can’t work out if Ben’s actually a massive cock with a sulky face and mouth or he’s just playing up for the cameras.
“This is the future”
“Nailed in one take”
“I can’t believe you’ve had the nerve to bring me back in here, you should go for that”
Bree – gamefaqs.com
I had to laugh at Monna’s practise presentation (I’m writing Monna as Mona is pronounced Moan-a)
“The box is a distinctive colour – it’s green”. Yes thankyou Monna, I can see that because luckily for me, I’m not a useless moron. Also, because you didn’t do a proper job, it’s a green box with a few unrelated graphics stuck on the front.
Phillip – “If they don’t use my idea and we lose…” Get over yourself. Your idea was useless.
Lorraine – “How about Bananaman?”. Yeah, maybe we can call him Eric and have him eat bananas to become powerful. That’s never been done before.
All of that team should have been fired. They are all (excuse the pun), pants.
Piqued – Fuck that. I wouldn’t do any more work for that shower of unprofessional shithouses if they offered me a million quid. And even if I did, I wouldn ‘t actually get the million quid.
Keep those comments private, my arse.
ta. i found a walkthrough on gameboomers.
If memory serves NC you offered your services
I did indeed. And I did the work they asked for, got it to ‘em on time, and then had to jump through a series of fucking hoops for months to get the money they owed me out of ‘em. Talk about blood from a stone. It took so long, I began to suspect they weren’t used to actually paying people for services rendered. An unprofessional waste of fucking space, the lot of ‘em.
My wonderful acoustic compositions are more popular than ever Migles.
The PRS have just paid me £100 for just playing them!!
I now have so many strings to my bow, more bows have to be bought…
St George Patron Saint of Catalunya too. (Barca have the St George’s cross on their badge).
Seriously NC, I would’ve thought that you of all people would know that getting monies for services rendered in the publishing world is par for the course, as it were.
see this show? i love this show. midgets.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_People_Big_World
shhh Breeks, NC’s thinking
is he? it sounded like he was spewing thoughts recklessly to me.
Piqued – Yes, it’s usually very easy. You send in your invoice, forty five days later you get it paid into your bank. It’s that easy. Unless the company you’re trying to get your money from is The Idler. Then the procedure’s a little different.
Of course, you wouldn’t know this, would you?
Look – we all like The Idler but if Nappers has had a hard time with them and wants to burn a bridge or two, who are we to stop him?
Nice round up there, Mark M – Mona’s pitch completely passed me by it was so blank. I like her though.
Matt – You’ve got Ben and Phil mixed up. An easy thing to do, they’re both arseholes.
‘Yes, it’s usually very easy’
Usually being the operative word. And you’re used to dealing with magazines on an entirely different budget structure to a small bi annual mag that makes virtually nothing outside of revenue accrued through sales, not advertising
As for your last dig, oh yes I do
I believe the idler is populated primarily by chaps with private income – hence the slacker philosophy.
it may be inconceivable to them that people need the money from the work they do to payfor, like, you know man, bills n stuff.
correct me if i wrong, but that appears to be the case.
CM, you’re wrong.
Piqued – So what? If you haven’t got the money, don’t ask people to do the work. It’s simple. What’s the difference between me complaining about this and how you’re paid? Would you be so indulgent of your company if you went to your bank account at the end of this month and found they hadn’t paid you? And when you asked why, you were told they were a small independent company that relied on revenue accrued through sales, not advertising? I doubt it, frankly. Like most people, I suspect you’d be fucking furious.
im wrong apparantly.
fair enough.
having spent ten years as a freelance – I agree with napoleon cuntaparte on this one.
if youre on a regular monthly salary you’d never tolerate that for a minute.
Yings! I was right after all!
*high fives self*
*does back in*
i pay an agency about £3/hour of my hourly rate to ensure i get paid weekly cause the large (govt based) organisation who hired me to consult/work for them are SHIT about paying.
Anyway, Philip is an attack dog and will stay on as he makes good TV. He’s not a businessman, his ideas are shit, he complains too much of his team mates and is overbearing. If he gets to the last two there is something wrong with the program, business culture in general and the country. He is a an estate agent.
Anyway, Philip is an attack dog and will stay on as he makes good TV. He’s not a businessman, his ideas are shit, he complains too much of his team mates and is overbearing. If he gets to the last two there is something wrong with the program, business culture in general and the country. He is an estate agent.
Piqued – Why stoke the fire then complain about getting burneded?
NC has a point, and you’re offering him a tea-chest to stand on.
*thinks of other metaphors*
Unlike the view that Mingles, and I suspect others may have, The Idler hardly breaks even. I know this for a fact due to things I can’t discuss here.
I’m sorry to had to chase payment NC, you did get paid in the end so let’s leave it shall we?
SH, I’m not complaining, I’m trying to explain
Yes, Piqued but Idler founders handily have book deal sidelines which provide them with handsome royalties… so they can afford to run a breaking-even (now annual) publication to keep their reputation at large.
I like The Idler and the people from The Idler, but Nappers’ point stands, like it or not.
Piqued, with the best will in the world, and bearing in mind I think they’re lovely chaps and The Idler is a great read, you’re missing the point that a deal is a deal.
It’s not our place to criticise someone who’s unhappy with a broken contract, verbal or otherwise.
If Nap got it wrong in any sense, that’s his funeral, I’d keep my fingers out if I were you so we can go back to talking about Yasmina’s fragrant bumcheeks.
i must agree with mr mchitler on this one. don’t commission work if you can’t pay for it.
yes?
ah, bitter bitter history.
Piqued – if the idler hardly ever breaks even, then surely thats more evidence for my original assertion that its run by poshos – loveable, occassionally amusing poshos, but poshos none the less.
no one else but bertie wooster and his crew could afford to live off thin air.
DINLT – I agree with both your points.
I can’t decide about Yasmina. She took umbrage at being told her singer was wrong, but it was obvious it should be a bloke’s voice being a pirate, no? She reminds me of Duckface from Four Weddings. Nice arse though.
CM – They write books and the books pay their way. Whether they’re posh or not is nowt to do with it really…
To be clear, I did eventually get my money. I wouldn’t want anyone left with the impression that The Idler doesn’t pay people. They just went about it in such a draggin’ ass, round-the-houses way as to leave any reasonable person foaming at the mouth.
Unfortunately, it’s the freelancer’s lot. People who are used to money being there at the end of the month have no idea how devastating to your finances even the smallest amount of money owed and not paid to you can be (’specially for those who only get the occasional job). It’s only getting worse thanks to this economy bubbins wot’s going on. I’m now a creditor with several companies and individuals, with virtually no chance of recouping my money.
SO THAT’S WHY I’M DRAWING RICH MEN’S DOGS!
4star – I remember when ‘Duckface’ said ‘fuckface’ on Richard & Judy. Brilliant – a true TV gold moment for the young Swines throwing a sickie.
I thought Yasmina sung quite nicely. This week however we were treated to her waking up first thing in the morning. Facepack and a sleep eye mask!
I prefered last weeks shots of her in her knickers.
SH, re. Book deals, they do now (or rather did) and they certianly didn’t a few years ago or I wouldn’t have been there.
Anyway, as said, I’m sorry NC had to go to so much trouble to get paid.
CH, SH made a point re book deals. They’re not a bunch of Trustafarians.
Somebody done a swear on Radio 2 the other day, but I’ve forgotten what it was now. Anyway, it was funny, whatever it was.
Not much of an anecdote, that.
Nappers – they were trying to make it 14 days for payment, weren’t they? Bet they dropped that the moment the credit crunched.
My first invoice went out last month with 14 days on it and I received riotous laughter in response.
Fourteen days? Ha ha ha ha! Hold on …
*is bent double with guffawing*
… four … no, no I can’t type a response …
…Anyway, the one I despise the most in this series, even worse than Ben, is James
BASTARD!
Do me my FQ, or I’ll ban you. Impudent scallywag.
What’s wrong with James? He feels like Ringo Starr!
My fav quote last night came from one of the ad man, when they were pitching – “we sell stuff. It’s what we do”. Like the terminators of sales, these men cannot be bargined with, nor reasoned with. They. Just. Sell.
Arse.
reads like family guy, this – Fourteen days? Ha ha ha ha! Hold on …
*is bent double with guffawing*
… four … no, no I can’t type a response …
Swineshead – We’ll have less of that! Else I’ll delete the picture I’m actually drawing for the FQ with my bare ‘ands from scratch. You want that? Is that what you want?
*hovers over ‘delete’*
I had a discussion with somebody who can well afford to pay their bills, who is holding back payment to all services received to see if the companies he deals with go under. I told him in no uncertain terms that this was reprehensible behaviour.
Napoleon – No. Sorry.
DINLT – Arseholes like that will only prolong the problem. We’re being encouraged to SPEND for fcuk’s sake.
Bree – talking of parrots.
Ex – I used to work in Marketing. Watch it.
Ho ho!
It’s a lovely sunny day today, by the way. Is it lovely and sunny where you’re stuck indoors?
I’m off to watch You’re Fired with a cheese sarnie. Back in half an hour.
SH – did you sell? was that what you did?
Nothing wrong with Marketing, i need it to tell me what tat to buy, it was the just the over the top, self important way he said it.
“I preferred last weeks shots of her in her knickers.”
Bollocks, I missed last week.
*goes to the internets*
I have to say the present economic crisis was entirely predictable.We basically borrowed our way through the on paper downturn of 2001-2. This downturn was not fully realised because of the new lending patterns. That was in fact the economic stimulus.
So in 2008, we find ourselves in the wake of a recession that we did not allow to happen in 2002-3, with no correction that this would have entailed, and find ourselves in an exponential recession. You cannot invent money.
A wise old saying is that it does not matter how much you are theoretically worth on paper, it is what you have got in your pocket that counts.
‘You cannot invent money.’
Money is an invention
They invented the Euro.
No, they discovered the euro, in moonrocks.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8014126.stm
This is good news
In that sense piqued you are correct. Let us say money is the recompense for services,products etc.
Money can be gold, silver or bits of paper. The intrinsic value cannot be invented.
Well, it can yes
You’re talking crap
Let’s say money is carrots. Piqued I charge you 3 carrots for services rendered.
The bank make estimates on the amount of carrots I am worth with my services. I borrow this amount, but the projected carrots do not grow. My carrots were invented.
I thought paper was just the promise of money? Isn’t the real money the gold we flogged off at rock-bottom prices a few years back?
Or is that dead old-fashioned?
‘The intrinsic value cannot be invented.’
‘My carrots were invented.’
You’ve just contradicted yourself for fucks sake
*simultaneously confused and disinterested*
Back to The Apprentice briefly – does anyone know the date of the final show?
The intrinsic value is whatever you say it is. What piqued said.
Ex – I sort of sold jobs to high earning people. Sort of still do.
Christ Piqued, you’re a bit testy today, eh?
NC, the gold standard was replaced by ‘Fiat Money, ‘ that was invented too
I’m in a foul mood
Fiat money? So Fiat controls all our money? I don’t want the fucking Italians controlling my money. They can barely tie their own shoelaces, the pack of sexually-assaultin’, lovely food-eatin’, nice architecturin’ LUCKY BASTARDS.
I’m surprised my cash hasn’t broken down …
Haha, ..I do not think you understand my premise. The invented carrots are an example of inventing a projected worth. carrots = currency.
Look…take a look at the value of the FTSE100 in 2002-2003, it was down to 2800,and stabilised at 3200. We are in the range of 3800-4000 at the moment.
Does that tell you something?
its nice to back chipping in on subjects I know virtually nothing about again. and causing controversy.
just like old times.
I fought it waz da jewz wot made al ta monee
Mingles – Can you stop basking in the warm glow of WWM? It’s getting right up my fucking nose.
sh – when are we getting ‘who’s gonna win’ – we need to move on from italian carrot currency.
So – who invented carrots ?
Excelsior – No. It’s OK magazine. They’ve now got all the money on earth, thanks to the lucky break they got from a dimwitted racist’s untimely death from fanny cancer.
Breeks – You can bet your arse the Italian’s carrot currency tastes nicer than anyone else’s does. Bastards. Those people don’t realise how fortunate they are.
Except them earthquake ones, obviously.
napoleon: ah, just like old times.
Carrots do not grow on trees!
About half two / three o clock, Breeks. I’ve got telly to watch.
Soz!
I actually watched this last night. I’d forgotten how addictive it can be when you’re watching it.
apologies napoleon. merely youthful high spirits. I’ll stop now.
*sigh*
in two weeks i’ll b able to snack on italian carrots and spend italian carrot currency whilst overlooking italian lakes.
yayolio.
I believe the Afgans invented carrots SH.
Of course nowadays all they grow is smack. Lots and lots of smack.
‘in two weeks i’ll b able to snack on italian carrots and spend italian carrot currency whilst overlooking italian lakes.’
Me in 3 weeks
Carrots were invented by the English in WWII to help us see in the dark against the Germans. Everyone knows that.
Carrots are purple naturally, it was not until the 17th Century that they turned orange, when patriotic Dutch growers favoured the colour as used on the national flag.
The Guardianistas are off to Italy. Tuscany?
Those bastards…
lake garda, orto and como in may and elba and northern tuscany in september, akshually.
and a little road trip around south-west ireland in july.
*blinks*
‘The Guardianistas are off to Italy. Tuscany?’
What’s that supposed to mean?
The dutch are bastards, not Italy goers or Guardianistas.
People might have thought I was making a sweeping generalisation about a group of people then! Luckily, I was just insulting the dutch.
I thought carrots were naturally white?
Take a tip from me. Benidorm. You can get English beer, English food, burgers chips and they got a Mcdonalds too, everybody speaks English, they got premiership football and it is fun in the sun.
Would that be Dingle you are going to Breeks?
“‘The Guardianistas are off to Italy. Tuscany?’
What’s that supposed to mean?”
You, Piqued, he means YOU.
Guardianista – is that some kind of spanish policeman?
I’m not going to Tuscany; I’m off to see my better half’s mum
And I only get The Guardian on Saturday for the fucking Guide
DINLK – no. it was fully booked – we’ve been forced into boutique hotellas on lake-as in italia.
Piqued – you can get a better fucking guide in The News of the World, it’s got dogging sites and everything.
South West Ireland Breeks…Dingle?
I get that on Sunday, Ex
Piqued I bet you read it online everyday.
oh. well. clearly i’ve not exactly figured out which towns we’ll be rocking through.
yes? dingle. yes. *
*maybe
Seldom DINLT, and if I do it’s for G2 which has been getting progressively shittier
Breeks, I recommend it..it is a really wonderful place.
DINLT – He’s too busy wanking to read The Guardian online. Wanking over fat women handing out sweets in his office. I think it’s disgusting.
..famous for its brown berries, Breeks
thanks – why so wonderful?
Rich brown Dingleberries. Maqnifique
(magnifique)
Rugged and wild with great things to discover.
Have you been reading Dave’s dating profile DINLT?
ah. like orkney.
orkney’s GREAT.
It’s St. George’s Day today … and that’s racist, apparently!
YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT, ETC.
1). Coffee is good in Italy. Note that yer Itie will only drink Cappuchino in the morning and a cortada in the afternoon. To do otherwise is to be a philistine. Drinking ridiculous concoctions a la starbuck would not happen.
2). Pasta is eaten during the day. (Not in the evening).
Take heart Napps the most popular saint – St Patrick – was a northerner from Blighty. We win by default.
cortado…
DINLT – do you mean i can’t get my skinny grande latte triple shot wet and hot in italy? shite.
mr breeks is half italian (well, his dad is fully italian, whether that makes mr breeks italian i’m not sure) and speaks it and is conversant with social graces. i can flounder antipodean-ly and feel safe.
‘Note that yer Itie will only drink Cappuchino in the morning and a cortada in the afternoon’
Can you watch it with the ‘Itie’ shit DINLT
Just watch it on the iplayer.
Northern pants man should have gone the big moody twat.
WWM – as featured in ‘The fucking Guide’ a week or two ago!
READ IT!
Who Will Win article in five mins.
Isn’t it a latte first thing in the morning, then an espresso at about 11 and no more coffee after lunchtime? At least in the north-east, cortado sounds more spanish
Cripes, Piqued – what’s got into you today?
Piqued – Anyone who sided with Hitler is fair game when it comes to derogatory terms. Eytie’s only the same as Frog or Kraut. Alright, the French didn’t fight with Adolf, but the may as fucking well of done. Get over it, Limey.
Never came across a latte in Italy. Or a panini for that matter …
‘Itie’ isn’t on, SH
Told you earlier, I’m in a vile fucking mood. I’ve lost almost as much money as I’ve earned this month
SH: Did you say WWM was featured in ‘the fucking guide’? as in ‘The guardian fucking guide’?
we’re famous!
*puts up feet, lights cigar, waits for money to come flooding in*
… of course, I cant take all the credit.
Yes Pelle it is ….(Spanish). I think it is used in Italy as a generic term for a small coffee…espresso etc.
oh, they drink them in Trieste, but that might be a special case as it’s almost yugoslavia
NC, it’s the same as Paki
Piqued – No it’s not, old son. That’s a racist term of abuse. Eytie’s xenophobic, yes, but it ain’t racist. Idiot.
It’s alright piqued, they have derogatory terms for us too. (Not that I think the term I used is derogatory, but more an old fashioned jokey term).
mr breeks, being all italian-ish and everything, has just confirmed his italian (ventian) grandparents held fast to the rule about pasta for lunch but never for dinner….
It all amounts to the same thing
No it doesn’t, Piqued. And anyway, you’re just getting offended on someone else’s behalf because you happen to go out with an Italian. All very noble of you, but fuck off. It’s a European’s God-given right to come up with derogatory terms of abuse for one another, you four-eyed Limey bastard.
Breeks – can he confirm if he would view being called an “eytie” the same as being called a “paki” (were he to be of west asian extraction)
he says it’s dismissive rather than derogatory but wouldn’t recommend its use either way.
he prefers ‘wop’.
Limey refers to the English eating Limes to stave off scurvy on long sea voyages, Christ, how appalling!
Itie, like Chink, Paki et al, is derogatory, mocking. And for reasons you’ve mentioned I don’t like it. Now fuck off.
Breeks, now ask him how he’d feel if that word was directed at whichever parent is Italian?
‘Limey’ is mocking!
I knew a yankie doodle dandy once, she kept calling me a freakin’ limey and it gave me the hump. I got all hump all over me.
There, our scientific sample of one (breeks off the internetzz half italian boyfriend) has proved that it’s not the same as paki, but it’s not very nice all the same.
Thus, we can now set in stone, the rule that maybe you shouldn’t, because it might not be very nice.
Piqued – Mocking of what? Are you sure you don’t mean ‘wop’? Twit.
Anyone else you want to get offended for by proxy? How’s about getting pissed off on behalf of my Kraut missus? Or any Frogs who may be reading and are now in floods of tears because that’s like calling ‘em a paki? Even though it isn’t?
mr breeks says depends on levels of aggression, etc.
aggrieved but not actually angry, really.
more sorrowful for cuntish nature of the person calling the name.
If somebody (Breeks boyfriend off of the internet) is upset by my use of the word then I apologise and will ask for forgiveness, based on the fact that i did not intentionally mean to cause offence.
Yankee is interesting too, coz the term is used for all Americans, rather than it ’s actual meaning of those who fought for the Northern Union in the civil war.
‘Eyetie’ is just a shortening of ‘Italian’. It’s the same as ‘Jap’ for ‘Japanese’, or ‘Yank’ for ‘Yankee’.
Nap – It’s not much of a shortening though is it? Only one letter the way you spell it.
yank -> yankee is not the same as jap -> japanese or similar.
at all.
DINLT – I know, but I never know how you’re meant to spell it. I always spell it phonetically, so the likes of Piqued know exactly what I’m on about when he’s on the hunt to get offended on behalf of someone else.
I’m a “cracker” and a “kaffa” as well as a “honky” “le roast beef” “pom” and “soft sothern git”.
My people (as I like to call ‘em) haven’t been discriminated against or oppressed since Roman times.
Bloody Romans!!
The thing is, the THING IS, when speaking to someone first person, you would probably modulate your voice, facial expression etc to indicate you meant it as a term of fun, not offence. Yet on this damned internet contraption, that’s missing, sos you have to be careful lest you inadvertantly come across all wrong.
It’s like Mel, wot sez she uses that sarcastic font.
Breeks – Yes -> it is + Burma Death Railway = couldn’t really give two shits
Napoleon – I wouldn’t say it’s being offended on someone else’s behalf, it’s sensitivity (or over-sensitivity) when it comes to being among people who outsiders might mistake for being racist or xenephobic titboys.
I’m ginger and welsh and don’t stand a bloody chance
fair dos napoleon, you clearly have a good grasp on mathematical symbols.
i must admit to using ’saffa’, mostly in a derogatory sense.
‘Eyetie’ is just a shortening of ‘Italian’. It’s the same as ‘Jap’ for ‘Japanese’, or ‘Yank’ for ‘Yankee’.
Or, indeed ‘Paki’ for ‘Pakistani’. So that’s alright then, isn’t it?
Swineshead – Then that’s their fault. We can’t all be held to account because of others’ ignorance of some basic linguistical facts. Breeks has just fallen into the same trap with her ‘Jap’ claptrap. As anyone who bothers to spend a couple of minutes researching will tell you, the word is a sortening of ‘Japanese’. The racist slur is ‘Nip’. But, hey, let’s not let a simple thing such as facts get in the way, shall we?
ah napoleon, you missed my point entirely. i was rather making the point that the term yankee was in itself offensive.
loser.
Ruud – No, it’s not alright. Because they don’t call ‘em ‘pakis’ on the Indian subcontinent, see? No doubt over there the Indians, the Bangaldeshis and the Pakistanis will have a wealth of both slang and derogatory terms for each other. It’s white folk who say ‘paki’, hence making it a racist term of abuse, regardless of its origin. You’re just trying to fit two different things together.
Breeks – To whom? Americans? I think they’ve got bigger things to worry about. Do you get offended when somebody calls you an ‘Aussie’?
Loser y’self. And moron.
there is a baseball team called the New York Yankees.
yankees and confederates, you idiot.
yankee now a globally (and wikipedia, therefore FACT) recognised derogatory term for americans.
aussie = australia like jap = japanese yada yada.
some logic’d be nice, please, naps, if you’re gonna engage in pointless comment warfare.
*sigh*
Bit offensive, that. You want to watch y’self, DINLT. The offense police are out and about.
youve mellowed napoleon. 6 months ago you’d have been shouting abuse by now.
I never thought id see the day.
its like that old lion I saw at the safari park when I was 6. he had bald mangy patches on his fur and dead glassy eyes.
youve changed.
I blame the blacks.
apparently i have learnt that ‘wog’ in the uk means black whereas in australia it is a relatively fond (having initially been ‘paki’ in its offensiveness) term for italians and greeks.
Perhaps, Breeks, you should have made it clearer in your original comment? Y’see, this:
yank -> yankee is not the same as jap -> japanese or similar.
at all.
Can be read either way. That’s why it’s best to construct sentences when formulating an argument, see?
And as for the use of logic? Giove me a break, love. I’ve seen no evidence of you using logic since you pitched up here.
prob too sophisticated for you naps.
*hugz*
Napps – if everyone changes sides and agrees with you, will you:
a) change tack and round on everyone for being a hateful bunch of racist monsters.
OR
b) gloat the rest of the day.
Mingles – I know. I also stink of old now. I’m surprised I haven’t been put down.
Breeks – i THINK that “wog” used to be an old colonial term for anyone who wasnt an alabaster melanoma magnet.
Excelesior – Your second option looks tempting.
Breeks – Sophisticated? You? Ho ho!
yes naps. sad but true, i am extremely sophisticated.
i live in west london, y’know.
Sophisticated didn’t originally mean what it has become to mean today.
Perhaps it is a good example of how words change meanings. In it’s original meaning, you would not wish to be considered “sophisticated”.
Australia, home of the affectionatly named “Coon” cheese
that’s true, nick.
and we have brown lollies called ‘chocos’.
Gay didn’t use t……………………………
You live in West London? Bit … erm … ‘unsophisticated’, wouldn’t you say? I’d have thought onboard a yacht moored off Capri, perhaps? Or in a penthouse overlooking Manhattan? Monte Carlo, no?
West London just seems so …
Can I smell shit in ‘ere?
And Promite…oh hang on…
no shit in here.
none.
Impressed at this degenerated from a wholesome chat about reality TV to … well… I’m not sure what.
It usually does … and Breeks is entirely to blame.
With her cooking and her sophisticated lifestyle …
i can’t expect you to understand, naps, it wouldn’t be fair.
I understand EVERYTHING, d’ye hear? Even science, which I don’t understand in the slightest.
‘teva, yeah.
‘teva?
Is that an Australianism?
no. i learnt it off a man wot is english.