Welcome to Booze Britain!
That’s right! From the cradle to the grave, we Brits are drinking ourselves stupid in an orgy of boozy indulgence not seen since the heady days of the 18th century. Indeed, we’re so drunk, television has had little choice over the last few years but to document our inexorable slide into alcohol-induced insanity with a series of programmes such as Drinking With The Girls, Booze Britain, Street Crime UK and Brits Abroad. And they’re all ace because they hold a window up to our souls, and show us who we really are – pissed-up dregs hockling mashed-up kebab into a gutter with our trousers round our ankles.
Huzzah!
So to celebrate the coming together of this country’s two favourite pastimes of drinking far too much and television, we here at your rather woozy Watch With Mothers invite YOU to share your most interesting boozed-up experience.
Did you go out on the lash and end up married to a small family car? Were you astounded to wake up the next day with your head stuffed up your own anus? Or did you simply eat lots and lots of dog dirts, resulting in blindness and paralysis?
Let’s have no morbid stories, please, we’ve all got plenty of those. Instead, let’s stagger into a wall, pull down our flies, think we’ve flopped the old fella out when we haven’t, and piss boozy anecdotes all down the trouser leg of Friday.
WWMers: Mine’s a pint!
*end of football comment*
112 Comments
tv-related booze memory: helen mirren in prime suspect is waiting for a man to come and visit her. she has done this fancy dinner and everything and that bastard is late. so what does she do? she starts drinking of course and by the time her “date” comes home she is a mess.
Passing out in the toilets at The Borderline, then repeatedly sicking down my front in the taxi home…..
Oh I told a blonde stranger (my younger brothers friend) that I loved her. All on the same night.
Back in the 80’s (cos it was legal then?) drinking copious amounts at a bar in the Seven Dials at lunchtime, then unable to find my car for 30 mins (it was a black taxi, yes one of those) then driving home to Heathrow.
I have better stoner stories….
The Borderline Nick…that brings back memories.
dude!
Asking a chav with a skinhead if he was gay, just to wind him up, and getting a little headbutt in return. That was last satuday.
ugeine: medal of honor!
*puts medal on ugeine’s chest*
*wookie roars*
It was well worth it.
sharing a minicab back to west london with a dude i didn’t know and giving him a free pash as we passed marble arch.
having relations with richard attenborough’s grandson.
am slurry.
mostly i get more annoying than i am already, which is quite.
i went home to my halls with a girl at university, don’t really remember getting home, but woke up about 4 in the morning stark naked in a black bin liner on the floor and the young lady nowhere to be seen – it is still a mystery…
Ugeine – I was headbutted by a skinhead when he discovered I supported a different football team to him. It was my fault – what I should have done was go back in time and tell my younger self to support Notts. County. Then me and the skinhead would have been friends. We could have even gone to Nazi rallies together.
Passing out in toilets and sicking down self is something that happens quite a lot, on the sauce. If you’re a commited drinker.
I think my best booze epic occurred one afternoon, evening, night, early hours of the morning, morning and afternoon of a summertime in Sheffield. I will try to break it down.
First Afternoon:
- Drinking beer in a West Street pub with female pal.
- Female pal chats up barman and begins talking about prons.
- Barman gives her a video of him having sex with and being peed on by a P3 girl.
- Swines agrees with girl that he will copy the vid for profit.
First Evening
– Goes home and starts drinking homemade vodka directly from a demi-john and tries in vain to copy video.
- Goes to pals house and is fed K and shrooms, falls off bike on way home as drugs kick in, scratches face up.
Early hours
- Returns home to home-made vodka and continues trying to copy video depite the fact he is in another dimension and seriously injured.
- Succeeds in copying video at 3am
- Calls The Sport and tries to flog video to them despite fact P3 Girl is one of their own. Blackmail, essentially.
Morning
- With no success, and now seeing things that aren’t there, proceeds to hoover front garden with broken vacuum cleaner.
- Girl who got video off barman’s boyfriend hears what Swines is up to, gets angry for some reason and comes to his house to punch his soft face.
- Flatmates protect Swines as he hides under a duvet by a sofa.
Afternoon
- Swines escapes to a friends house and sleeps in the cupboard.
- Swines is woken up by his brother who has travelled from London for his planned 21st celebration.
Next Evening
- Swines goes out and gets drunk again.
laws – I love the black bin liner element. Superb!
your hard, swines. hard.
OMG sorry apostrophe error. unforgiveable.
I drank a pint of beer once. It was horrid.
Breeks -
I was a moron, now I am an angel – a booze-free moronic angel!
Sue – that’s not the spirit.
“what I should have done was go back in time and tell my younger self to ……….” Nap.
The number of times I should have done that!
i admire your booze free-edness. i actually do.
i have done a million stupid and potentially life-killing things whilst on it. thank god i got a bit old and tired.
listen – i’m watching ‘my life as an animal – horses’ and i gotta say nutkins? not so much…
“what I should have done was go back in time and tell my younger self to ……….”
sending back a bloodied and drunk version of yourself would only make it worse. if i was headbutted by a skinhead i would most probably go back in time to convince my younger self to bring a knife to the club. just to get interrupted as we speak by a slighty younger version of my self with a knife in his head to mumble like a zombie about bringing a gun.
I recorded that horses show. Why did I record that?
DINLT / Nick – Your younger self would tell you to get lost and display the same surly attitude I showed Nappers when we saw each other in a Sheffield nightclub having not seen each other for 5 years.
I’m sure i must have some happy-go-lucky booze tales but they’re lost in the alcoholic haze of time. These days i just get morose and go home early.
you recorded it swinesy, because horses are key.
Indy – You’d probably then have a younger version of yourself staggering in riddled with bullets, muttering something about nuclear weapons.
“I recorded that horses show. Why did I record that?”
Because you’ve gone mad? It’s a pile of shit of a programme, and the presenter needs the words ‘POSH BITCH’ branded on her forehead, the posh bitch.
He sounded like a reasonable gentleman, Napoleon.
np: i would probably have jean-claude van damme kicking my ass for messing with history.
Indy – You’ve reminded me of fcuking brilliant indie-horror-time travel-thriller TimeCrimes – one of the best films I’ve seen this century.
‘my life as an animal – stud’
höhö
swineshead:
friend?! friend? friend?!
*two thumbs up*
I told bonhead from Hollyoaks he was a sick fuck in a nightclub toilet in leeds. In my drunken state, was having trouble telling the difference between television and reality, and in Hollyoaks he had his dead mum hidden upstairs.
“DINLT / Nick – Your younger self would tell you to get lost and display the same surly attitude I showed Nappers when we saw each other in a Sheffield nightclub having not seen each other for 5 years.”
The only time in my life when I’ve been genuinely crestfallen, I’ll have you know. I was jollied-up on booze, having a great time, and here was my old chum Swineshead. I was actually delighted to see him, believe it or not, and how did he act? Like a spoilt fucking kid who’d just been told he couldn’t go out until he’d tidied his room. That surly little bastard.
I feel my drink-fueled confession of shitting myself during my graduation ceremony has been well documented on these pages previously …
“He sounded like a reasonable gentleman, Napoleon.”
For resorting to violence over my failure to support Notts. County? Well if that’s the sort of monkey you think’s reasonable, good luck to you.
when drunk i turned down the offer of a shag from an ex-big brother contestant.
clearly i would’ve accepted had i been sober.
naps – presenter of ‘my life as…’ isn’t posh. ‘horse people’s’ alexandra tolstoy is posh. yeah. learn your poshes.
posher than bryan ferry?
Oh, I thought you meant the posh horse woman. My apologies.
I have never lost control of my bladder/guts whilst sozzled, but many of my male friends have. Is this a particularly male affliction? Any WWM girls have a piss scented skeleton in the closet?
*reads back question*
hmm, asking girls if they’ve pissed themselves. Im a charmer i am.
‘For resorting to violence over my failure to support Notts. County? Well if that’s the sort of monkey you think’s reasonable, good luck to you.’
What else was he supposed to do? Peacefully respect your difference and go about his day like the millions and millions of non violent football fans that populate this country? That’s literally unthinkable, that is.
The other day I met a Hereford fan who had the bad manners to tell me he was a Hereford fan as well. The bastard! Things coyuld have got pretty ugly, but thankfully I blew off his kneecaps with a shotgun.
Well I suppose when you put it like that …
I like the way complete strangers occasionally decide to despise me because I support Arsenal. Those Spurs fans are strange creatures.
I once mistakenly misjudged, what I thought, was an offer of a Carry on….type threesome.
Desperate (and drunkenly!) trying to repair the damage, I wandered back to the party (mine and my flatmates) naked in front of the assembled guests only to be slapped in the face by my then girlfriend, Then, collapsing against a wall with blood running down my cheek.
My guests, used to this kind of drunken nakedness, completely ignored me…..
Nick – that’s reprehensible behaviour. You’re an honest (and foolish) man.
I’ve been loathed by a fair few Arsenal fans in my time. A gaggle of ‘em chanting ‘JEW-BOY! JEW-BOY! JEW-BOY’ at me was a particular favourite.
What they didn’t realise was … ho ho .. I’m C of E!*
*In the British sense, that is.
Breeks – an ex-Big Brother contestant? Spill the beans; who was it? Cameron? Jonty? John Tickle? Spiral?
i actually can’t remember which, there’ve been so many.
a bloke. definitely a bloke. in a boozer in shepherds bush.
By the way, I was woken to the sweet sounds of Carly Simon’s ‘Nobody Does It Better’ coming from my clock radio this morning. “Yes, Carly,” I muttered, half-asleep. “Nobody does it better than you, my darling.”
So that’s me in the doghouse for the weekend.
Sue – Must’ve been Jonty.
Napoleon – Possibly the sweetest wake up call in the history of radio. I was woken up by someone shouting abuse at someone else in the street.
She’s got the voice of an angel. Nobody does it better than lovely, lovely Carly Simon.
Shame her record company’s fallen out with YouTube and they’ve pulled all her records. I’m reduced to watching Cat Stevens do his thing when I’m hammered nowadays.
I can’t actually recall anything that embarassing I’ve done when pissed, which is rather the point of drinking, surely. You act with impunity and then throw up.
Itried to get the members of punk band The Dropkick Murphy’s to sign my nipple after a gig once. They didn’t. the pseudo Irish wankers.
I omited a few details for the sake of the children but I was not entirely to blame….
Well my heart’s bleeding …
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8015303.stm
but I was not entirely to blame….Nick.
Wise words Nick.
ugeine: the dropkick murphy’s – what’s the point? why did you want them to sign your nipple to start with?
Hear Hear, NP.
For the same reason I thought it’d be a good idea to go down some stairs in a shopping trolley last month. Alcohol.
not jonty.
no. darker of skin. less irish.
breeks: Eh?
Actually, I do recall screaming ‘bring me the head of PC Blakelock’ at the police who were responding to a fatal road accident on the A3 near Tolworth about 20 years ago.
I felt bad right after I did it, especially when an avuncular copper looked at me and said softly, ‘come on son..’
Oh, I was sick on my mums head from my bedroom window
…and her lap
I rang my mother up at two in the morning and pretended to be Cornish. My God but I didn’t enjoy waiting for the inevitable phone call the next day. It was like waiting to be executed.
Piqued: I’ve done that as well! When I was drunk, I was sick on your mum’s head.
I rang my mother at 3 in the morning to ask her why Edward Woodward has so many ‘d’ s in his name.
She didn’t find it funny.
According to wiki Mr Ewar Woowar has most recently appeared on Eastenders
When I was younger I was out drinking and a friend came back to my house once the pubs had closed. My mum was ill at the time so I told him to be careful not to wake her up when he had to go the toilet. The next day I discovered that he had gone out and thrown up in my neighbour’s garden rather than risk waking her up. That’s true friendship for you. We’re still friends.
Message to a younger DINLT of recent times.
“If you are going to be “taken by the rhythm of salsa”,it would help if you had a basic grasp of the steps”.
Ginger – He died last night (the character, not Mr. Woodward). It wasn’t as interesting a death as those you can see in Universal Soldier.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=em1sYyg5JyU
anyone see this?
I remember when you called my house at 2am and repeatedly told me you were at Grantham hospital with a broken nose.
I threw my friends fingerless gloves out of the window out of spite, then clambered onto the windowsill and pissed on them from a height.
Piqued – He’s pissed off the Scotch, apparently. Ah well.
He’s like a journo version of Elton John
I enjoyed it when Dimbleby told him to shut up. The fruity old goose looked right uppity.
Hey! At Club Tropicana, drinks are FREE!
He needed to tell the pompus little shitwind to shut up
From Popbitch
Word of the week: Daggering. Hospitals in Jamaica report a big increase in men breaking their penises, from the craze for “daggering”, or ultra-rough sex.
Good Lord
daggering? wtf?
i cannot figure out what daggering involves. and i’m swedish.
Indy – “Ultra-rough sex” – there’s your clue.
btw, has any of you terrors ever sniffed glue?
My ex once snapped a chaps banjo string. Apparently she, and I quote, ‘unrolled him to his balls in a lake of blood.’ He had to go to A & E and have stiches.
Me and a few friends used to inhale lighter gas when we were at school. Russian roulette, that was.
I never did gas NC, see anything good?
Also off Popbitch, this is quite awful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=II1BkpX03-M
Thanks for that mental picture P.
I haven’t but a friend used to. He said it felt like he was in a cartoon.
Popbitch links? Bah.
I did the lighter fluid thing – awful.
See anything good? Not especially. You get these three light dots arranged into a triangle shape pounding backwards and forwards towards your vision, and your hearing start going ‘WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW’ in rythm to it. I’m not sure, but I think that may be the first sign that you’re having a brain hemmorage.
Think overdosing on gas ‘n’ air, but more violent.
i still don’t get the daggering stuff. ultra rough…
is daggering when trying to make a new body opening in your partner using your penis to penetrate his/her skin?
Oh, and your voice sounds gloopy.
Sorry SH, the dog thing has to be seen to be beleived
*waits for NC*
I did glue twice, I threw up the second time. It felt like someone had put my brain in a washing machine and pulled my spine off. The cartoon analogy Nick mentioned is spot on
Gloopy like Droopy?
I thought daggering was a dance.
Solvents don’t contain any hallucinogens so you’re not likely to see anything, are you?
It just, in the words of my schoolmate Dave Baxter (an awful turd), ‘makes you feel like there’s a small version of you inside your body and he’s a wanker’
Sort of weirdly deep and odd. It’s like you’ve got an invisible object in your mouth you’re trying to talk past.
As Swineshead says, it’s awful. And extremely dangerous, kids, don’t forget that.
I’d give ether a bash instead, if you can get it. That stuff’s fucking ace.
Ether? How the hell did you get hold of that?
Ketamine is similar to solvents but with the vaguely hallucinogenic aspect, and minus the banging headache, spots and sore nose.
You don’t get hallucinations, no. Just your brain going tits-up and you witnessing it. Really, it’s just a vision and hearing fucker. FUN!
‘makes you feel like there’s a small version of you inside your body’ that’s very good though, despite your mate being a wanker
What NC says about something in your mouth, it’s like your heart is stuck in your throat and your neck has grown tits.
“Ether? How the hell did you get hold of that?”
There was a chap we used to know at school who went on to be a chemist when we all grew up, and he used his new career to steal stuff and make his own drugs. Mixed it with ethanol and inhaled it, and it was like getting pissed-up without going to the bother of drinking.
I’m going to shatter all this drug talk in a minute with visions of a singer-songwriter with a Napoleon complex.
Drug talk’s boring. I’d do the shattering now, if I were you.
Gas = nice
‘Drug talk’s boring’
Didn’t stop though did it, eh EH
the cool kids in my school (when i was about 14 years old) used to strangle themselves or do this crazy hyperventilation thing.
Same here Indy. Something to do with fainting.
I remember people doing that too. Did it have a similar effect to spinning round and round with a broom in your hands, looking up at the broom?
“spinning round and round with a broom in your hands”
in sweden we call that one “the desperate housewife”
We regularly stole chloroform from the chemistry lab at school and inhaled it – but thats also been well documented previously.
*has no more amusing anecdotes*
*falls on sword*
*hopes splashy suicide attempt will fail, thus ensuring at least one amusing anecdote left*
I’ve had too many, usually involving projectile vomit all over strangers or work colleagues, but I remember getting out of it on pink champagne and falling asleep on the bog at the train station. I’d reached my destination and stupidly nipped in for a pee before starting the long shuffle home. I lost a couple of hours at least in/on there.
When I was a youf worker, kids used to inhale petrol from their scooters.
This resulted in a dark ring around their little gobs and passing out.
Ahhh, thems was the dayz
Bless the magic of youth.
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