Firstly, an apology. For a variety of unavoidable reasons – all beyond our control – the WWM Podcast won’t be available this week. But we’ll get it to you on Monday, and it’ll be like nothing ever went wrong in WWM world. And what’s more, it’ll be a belter. In the meantime, please welcome new writer Emsbabee to WWM…
The best bit in Masterchef, aside from the restaurant test where everybody gets reduced to laying in the foetal position by a head chef, is most definitely the final verdict. The exhausted contestant, temporarily calmed after having a brief weep behind their cooking station, presents the judges with a pan fried fillet of koi carp that they pulled fresh from their own ornamental pond earlier that day and have seared with tangy, frantic sweat. Their first-born dish is then mercilessly pulled apart with a fork and rolled around those cruel pallets, before John Torrode and Greg Wallace inevitably deliver the shattering verdict: ‘Hmm. Bit dry’.
Funny, because that’s how I feel about the line-up in this year’s celebrity version of the show. Thing from Corrie? Wotsit from Casualty? These people aren’t celebrities! They’re extras who got lucky! They can quite happily spend a Sunday in Homebase without having to worry about parking the helicopter. Or getting papped. They only end up in the pages of Heat as this week’s ‘crap spot’.
So in lieu of any real, proper famous people taking part – you know, them what live in castles, spend all summer diving off yachts and circle the globe searching for Third World orphans to make off with – I’ve devised my own ‘Fantasy Celebrity Masterchef’ list. These are the stars I’d really love to see trying to spot the difference between an artichoke and a butternut squash and struggling to produce lump free custard.
- Paris Hilton – I’ve seen her on the Simple Life, this girl can’t tell one end of a cow from another. Plus, nobody that thin can ever actually eat. What the hell would she cook? Imagine her presenting John and Greg with an oxygen starter, a shot of multi-vitamins and 6 raisins for desert. Go on. Imagine it.
- Boris Johnson – for the sheer unadulterated joy of watching him burn his food, his hands, his fellow contestants. Bet they’d put him through to the next round anyway, just to see what happens.
- Tom Cruise – I doubt very much whether this man has done anything involving a stove (apart from maybe bounce around atop it to demonstrate his crazy love for Katie Holmes) since Days of Thunder. Mega tantrum will doubtless ensue when he is informed that his fillet of beef ‘needs more work’.
- Kylie Minogue – let’s see you try and look sexy and provocative in a greasy white apron with flour in your hair, shall we?
- Liam Gallagher – would make beans on toast. And nut anybody who dared to point out that you can’t get haute cuisine from a tin.
- Geri Halliwell – her twin roles as girl power pioneer and earth single mother are bound to get confused when she enters the kitchen. How much screen time will she require to explain herself and her decision to appear on the show? A. Lot. She won’t have time to cook. She’ll be booted off first. Ha!
*end of football comment*
40 Comments
Frankie from The Saturdays in a transparent apron, please.
I’d only be prepared to watch this offal if the contestants were replaced by bchimps hurling excrement at the two judges.
Paul Dannan – he needs the work Mutha Fuckers!
Did you hear something? A faint sort-of yelping?
*listens*
Hmm. Must have been mice.
Katie Price – so she can recreate the hilarious Mrs Doubtfire scene in which Mrs Doubtfire’s fake boobs go on fire after she leans over the stove! Jordan’s boobs are made of plastic aren’t they?
There’s a funny smell now too. Has someone left the gas on?
I can’t smell anything. Like that dog in that joke about a dog with no nose that smells awful? Y’know? The one where she went of her own accord? In spooktacles?
Up his sleevies?
Paul Dannan wants putting in prison.
‘4. Kylie Minogue – let’s see you try and look sexy and provocative in a greasy white apron with flour in your hair, shall we?’
Ummmmm…..
I’ve just been to the opticians
In addition to be told one of my eyeballs in now the same shape as a chicken egg and my eyesight is getting worse, Optical Express have just taken £300 off me to have my current bins re-lensed and a spare pair ‘for free’
Fuckers
Ho ho!
*doesn’t spend £300*
300 quid??
Three hundred notes? Shitting christ. I need some new bins at some stage too. Bah.
Fourstar – Piqued wears those overpriced, rectangular, ‘designer’ glasses arseholes in London wear. The ones made from plastic in the same factory in China where they make the NHS ones, but with an ‘Armani’ sticker on the side so everyone knows how fabulously wealthy you are.
It’s not as if they’re a bloody accessory either.
Thing is, and FS will know this, you can spend £200 less and not have prescription sunglasses (which makes no sense if you’re half blind) and/or get frames that make you look like Frank Butcher. These things are on your face for your waking life and I’m keen not to give the world the impression I fancy school children.
NC, those frames were £80 WITH lenses two years ago. It’s because I want just new lenses in them I’m getting stiffed. All of the extras, free eye test, UV coatings, anti-scratch gubbins, I’m having to pay for
If I’d gone for more expensive frames I’d have been paying less.
…and there is a girl in this office whose fucking orange
But why the rectangular look? They look hideous and poncificated on everyone who wears them. What was wrong with round glasses? Like off of the olden days? At least they didn’t make you look like a twatty BBC researcher who spends half their life sucking Danny Wallace off.
Lenses – Well you shouldn’t be so bloody blind then, should you? It’s your own fault, you stunted, four-eyed moleman.
*looks at stuff far away for free*
I had a pair of round glasses for 8 years. They fucking hurt, you get dents in your nose from the rests. The reason the Woody Allen ones are popular is because they’re very comfortable, simple as that
Yeah, well at least I can correct my vision. Your tide-going-out forehead will see you as bald as a lolly in a few years
PONCE!
Nappers – I have these, if you fancy slagging me off for a bit.
piqued – Yes, that’s what I need, prescription sunnies for the summer en France. have you tried those Reactolite-style ones that change or are they hopeless?
Up yours, Knopfler
*sneaks link into previous post*
http://www.metsuki.co.uk/gant-battery-brown.html
“Yeah, well at least I can correct my vision. Your tide-going-out forehead will see you as bald as a lolly in a few years.”
A wig’ll set me back less than your never-ending and expensive quest to correct your failing eyesight, you squint-eyed Wallace-fluffer. In fact, I may go for an Elton John-style transplant with all the money I’ve saved not having to buy poncified London glasses.
And anyway, all glasses-wearers are paedos. We established that as a FACT last year.
Fourstar – Four-eyed PONCE!
Fucking hopeless FS. My dad had a pair in the summer, by the time they took time to change to the required shade of dark in was winter
You’ll just have to deal with the pain of carrying two pairs around, as I do
UNITED IN BLINDNESS
(pardon? oh, the other way)
*turns round*
UNITED IN BLINDNESS
You want to look like Elton John.
I think I’ve won surely?
I don’t want to look like Elton John. You don’t have to have Elton John’s hairstyle, you pillock. You can have anybody’s hair – I’d plump for a Wogan … or perhaps this fella:
http://tinyurl.com/l2eebw
piqued – Ah, feared as much. The chap in the optician was trying to tell me they had improved a lot in recent times but I’m not convinced.
Fourstar – My other half’s father has those glasses that turn dark in the sun. His work fine.
Mind you, he probably spent an arm and a leg on ‘em.
It’s them working back to clear when you enter a tunnel at speed FS, killed a few motorists that has
*sings Rocketman*
Yes, that would be slightly sub-optimal. Hmmmm.
It’s the worst time of the year to buy bins FS. I’m summoned every 2 years cos my granddad had Glaucoma
Yeah, my prescription doesn’t change much. That metsuki site is pretty reasonable if you don’t need a test as well.
My presciption has been pretty steady for a decade but now it seems to have taken a dip. blast.
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/2435811/The-Sun-visits-clinic-where-they-castrate-paedophiles.html
This is a very serious bit of unsensational journalism.
Blind as the proverbial and a tight arse.
I get cheap contact lenses delivered from the good old US of the A.
Mrs Nick bought my glasses for me, well she has to look at me!
I’d go for that lazer stuff if I had the dosh. Just waiting to get the cataracts. Nowadays they replace your crappy old lens with a spiffy nes plastic one and then, Hey Presto, 20/20 vision.
*Waits for invite to cataract part*
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