Remember Fred Elliot in Coronation Street? If your memory’s failing you, he was the enormous butcher who talked like Foghorn Leghorn and stole every scene he appeared in. Well, I can’t look at recent Big Brother recruit David without thinking of that long lost soap character. Like Fred, he’s blessed with a booming voice, a northern accent, a weird-shaped head and a barrel-chested gait. The only real difference is one of age. And one of highlights. And one of gaudy, luminous latex clothing. But what Fred Elliot did in his spare time was his business.
Anyhow – this brings us to a new slice of Big Brother Blather – a word for word transcription this time of a conversation between Iranian Siavash and the aformentioned man-mountain, David. Think Brian Blessed without the beard.
This time, we’ll hear how David has come to accept the ethnic majority in his neck-of-the-woods and has gained a cultural insight into their ways and belief systems.
David: I live next door to a Muslim family. And erm, I went up shop… And I seen this card and I thought ’should I get her one’ for ‘er family? So… I bought her this card. And I give ‘er this card. Oh! She bought me everything round. And I said to ‘er ‘look, I didn’t do that for that‘ I says. I said ‘it because it’s yer Christmas’. I mean I live in a – do you know what a cul-de-sac is?
Siavash: Mmmm.
David: And I’m probably the only English pers… guy what…well, there’s a couple next door but – three or four. But they’re amazing! They really, really are…
Siavash: Yeah. You know…
David: Really thoughtful like – y’know samosas and things. And their beautiful food innit. Some people wouldn’t even bother to get ‘em a card. And I just think it’s just a 69 pence card. And it’s just a thoughtful thing to do innit? To know that you’re sending them a card, wishing them a happy Ramadan card. Cos’ I think Ramadan is an amazing thing for someone to do.
Siavash: Mmmm.
There we have it! Bridges built. Religious intolerance vanquished. Several thousand braincells in ol’ Swineshead’s mind pummelled by the mangled verbiage of a transient housemate.
Have a nice afternoon!
32 Comments
*cringe*
Ramadam? ‘their’ ‘christmas’?
Bless!
Is this the one that replaced the one that no one liked, but now do cos he climbed over the wall and runned away?
Here – where’s the NPA warning?
What about my amazing lookey likey I suggested weeks ago (and now everyone says it):
http://i694.photobucket.com/albums/vv307/Clarry_2009
Samosas are bloody good but they aren’t exactly expensive to make. But if I’d have invested in a 69p card I’d want at least 2 of the large ones or 5 of the minis. And lamb, none of that veggie muck.
Or maybe try this:
Oh.
WOn’t work… stupid thing!
Swines, it was that good one I sent you a few weeks ago. Can you post it?
Look at his big stupid mug.
Not sure what you wanted me to do there Clarry – but you upped the comment count so I’m grateful for that!
Bit dead today, isn’t it?
I say, it’s a bit dead in here today, isn’t it?
What.
SH – Having trouble uploading that funny lookeylikey I emailed you the other week – the one of Halfwit looking extremely like Ed Norton in American History X. Can you post it?
Oh… Sorry, should’ve posted at the time…
Gmail won’t load it!
Weird.
I’m the most important musician Britain’s ever produced, and my number one hit single ‘Spaceman’ was just the tip of a very large, very talented iceberg. Of music. A musical iceberg.
And no, I will NOT be signing autographs, thanks very much.
I always wanted you to go into space, man.
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man.
Swineshead – Those are my lyrics, not yours. When my next single gets to number one (and that’s a foregone conclusion, you mark my words), I’m going to use the money I make to give up my job cold-calling for Allied Carpets and sue you for copyright infringement.
Listen, Jasper – I didn’t profit from the use of those lyrics, so you can take your writ and shove it up your anus.
I’m not shoving nothing up my anus, thanks very much. YOU shove it up YOUR anus, not the Jas Mann’s.
Anyway, this is by the by. I came on here to tell these people how brilliant I am, not to get into a fight with somebody who’s never even had a hit single like wot I have had with ‘Spaceman’.
Shut your mouth, Jas Mann. Spaceman only got to number one after it was remixed by Arthur Baker and thrown onto a Levis advert. My unremixed version of Brimful of Asha reached the dizzying heights of number 60 before that prick from the Housemartins got his greasey hands all over it.
And you still owe me that 50p I borrowed you for a Twix in 1997.
You’re a lying bastard, Singh. You gave me that money fair and square. There was never any mention of paying you back.
Anyway, I shouldn’t need to pay back anything to anybody. You should be grateful I gave the world my hit single ‘Spaceman’ and pay me for your continued enjoyment via a monthly direct debit.
Nobody remembers your stupid Brimful of Asha rubbish, Singh. It wasn’t even good enough to be used on a jeans advert like wot my single was. You arsehole.
Shouldn’t erstwhile popstars be having these discussions over on Downtuned.net? That way the musically savvy readers there can download their great tunes to their iPhones n that, and see them firmly back at the top of the hit parade where they belong!
*downloads Shakin Stevens back catalogue*
I said hey, hey, hey, hey….erm….hey, hey, hey…um…I said hey, what’s bloody going on here between you two twats from past it times?
I’m the great artists. It’s easy to write a number one bloody hit and I write twelve every night in my sleep. It’s like Paul McCartney writing Yesterday but twelve times!
And a Twix cost 32p in 1997, you twat of a thief.
Cornershop are good.
The sky is blue, the grass is green and Babylon Zoo showed their arse as the useless cunts they are with that dire 1996 release “Animal fucking Army”.
Leopards dancing in my paradise indeed. What fucking paradise? Wolverhampton? Twats….
Anyone else want to state the blooming obvious?
Oh, and I have a new LP that’s come out! Judy Sucks A Lemon For Breakfast. Where’s your album, Jas? Up your arse that’s where.
JOHN LEE HOOKER!
Who the hell remembers Four Non fucking Blondes? You keep your trap shut, Linda Perry. You’re even more obscure than that preposterous Avtar Singh character.
And anyway, that song of yours was shit. It was nowhere near as good as my 1995 smash hit ‘Spaceman’. Were you wearing silver clothes in your video? NO! No you fucking weren’t! So balls to you and your forgotten band, you nobend.
Can I just point out that my band (who had a number one hit with ‘Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm’ that was better than any of your shitty records, you twits) is still going … I think.
*checks Wikipedia*
Yes, yes we are. So FUCK YOU.
Good to see Britain’s doing its bit …
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/8171728.stm
I just hope those cheeses make it back.
They should have sent a jar of Branston’s up to keep the cheese company.
This was uncomfortable to read, I can’t even imagine how painful it must’ve been to watch!
One Trackback
[...] 8 – If you’ve been watching David on Big Brother and thinking “But where do I know him from?”, here’s your answer. You’ll thank us for this – Watchwithmothers [...]