Reality TV thrives on individual moments of outrage, disgust or all-out shock.
Without them, there’d be nothing to punctuate the ongoing banality of watching a load of has or never-have-beens sitting listlessly around in whatever artificial environment the producers have asked them to inhabit. Without the occasional mind-blowing moment of jaw-hanging, the format would be a dead horse, long ago flogged to death.
In fact, these days participants seem to be entirely locked into a phoney persona when they take part – mainly because they’ve sat on the outside looking in themselves, watching the kinds of shows they’re appearing on and learning the necessary ‘gameplan’. Being wise to winning techniques, they realise how mental they’ll look to the viewing public if they so much as sneeze violently – so they play it safe.
But only a few years ago, before the format saturated entire channels and before we’d all grown tired of phone votes, celebrities and no-marks were only too happy to give away a little too much of themselves for our entertainment. Either for a shot at fame or to pay the mortgage for a couple of years, they still eat bollocks, roll around in mud and don humiliating fancy dress for our pleasure – but in the olden days, they’d really go for it.
Remind yourself just how far they’d sink with out handy list:
Paul Danan Loses The Plot On Celebrity Love Island
It was a shaky concept on which to base a reality show, being as nobody had really heard of half the people involved, but still this series of Celebrity Love Island rolled along for an interminable number of weeks. One of the only highlights – if you can call it that – was the bizarre former Hollyoaks actor and suspected cocaine-casualty Paul Danan falling rapidly in and out of love with any girl who spoke to him. Here we see the wild eyed actor dedicating the worst hip hop burst in history to a bemused Emily Scott.
Kinga & The Bottle
On what I vaguely recall being her first night in the house, new arrival Kinga saw fit to steal the limelight using a glass bottle and her very private place. Whether or not she actually did the deed is subject to debate as the sight was shrouded by her frock and a discerning edit. It’s a moot point really, because even simulating it to the shock of the two people watching was, let’s face it, right royally weird. No footage remains on the interwebs, so have a look at housemate Ant’s reaction.
Rebecca Loos Wanks Off a Pig
No – not Calum Best, Dean Gaffney or even David Beckham. In yet another of Five’s ill-advised forays into the reality TV production caper, the only real talking point, besides Keith Harris having a minor breakdown, was Rebecca Loos taking a swine in hand and, implementing past experience effortlessly, giving it a tug towards oblivion. Piggy penises are really, really funny-lookin’.
Big Brother Fight Night
Big Brother takes great care to ensure the psychological wellbeing of its housemates we are ceaselessly told. Never was it better emphasised than when they took two mentally unstable and – let’s be honest here – downright thick participants and gave them a monitoring facility so they could watch what their fellow contestants were saying about them. They then, ensuring their psychological welfare, plonked them back in the house with a vendetta, an armoury of overheard weaponry and fists a-flailing. Mayhem ensued.
Again, Stalin at BB HQ has all the clips pulled from Youtube, but this montage remains.
Insania
He’s everywhere at the moment, with his little plasticated face and his brylcreemed hair tweeze – but once upon a time lil’ Peter Andre was nought but a hasbeen – a washed up relic of the early 90s, past the point of no career return. But then, in a meeting of mindless lust, he ‘connected’ with Jordan on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, wooed her with a shitty, acapella, self-composed ditty and subsequently married the she-boob and impregnated her with his semen. The rest is history. Or should be prematurely consigned to history. Filthy, shameful history.
Galloway Cat
Even as his entrance was announced, anyone who read the front page of a proper on a regular basis was asking ‘what the HELL is he thinking?’ That this ridiculous reality TV culminated in Galloway mucking about in a revealing latex body suit and licking imaginary milk under the guidance of Rula Lenska was sadly inevitable. An infuriating character, this episode only gave him more grounds for picking himself up, dusting himself down and bellowing his hastily constructed opinions as though he’s the only man in the world who’s right.
There’s Something About Miriam
How can you spice up a saucy dating show? Stick a load of celebrities on a Love Island? Have geeks get it on with beauties? Make a woman choose which of her potential suitors are gay and which aren’t? Have obese people go on dates? Or dupe a number of straight men into thinking they’re wooing a genetic female when, in fact, the Miriam of the title’s sex wasn’t quite so straightforward, what with her being male-to-female transgendered. Watch those sparks fly…
Big Brother Does Not Tolerate Bullying Or Racist Abuse.
I’m not sure if you’ve heard about this one, but… ah. Balls.
Just watch this bombastic Sky News clip and refresh yourselves.
Or is it too soon?
99 Comments
brilliant! shame about the missing clips.
Christ, I’d almost forgotten the Kinga thing. I do remember many commentators suggesting that it was the lowest point of reality TV and that the show would be canned forthwith.
That was four years ago.
Just goes to show, eh?
bloody hell, I had not heard of that Miriam thing. That is a fucking disgrace. Shame on them and on little Timmy Vincent for being involved in such ‘zoo TV’, by which I mean where it makes it OK to point and laugh at those with differences.
*piss boils*
That Kinga woman’s got her own website, it’s quite bizarre.
Didn’t she also start seeing someone from another BB series that everyone thought was gay?
I think you are a bit unfair to George Galloway. He entered the bb house because Parliament was in recess for the time of the filming and he thought it would be a good way of promoting his respect party.
George G does not drink and I think the cat bit was him taking the charade a little bit too seriously. Nonetheless, he was popular in the house and his opinions are always well worth listening to. I do not think they are “hastily constructed” but tend to be well thought out, considered and recognise inherent paradoxes in situations. Politics in the UK needs mavericks like Galloway whether you agree with his views or not.
Maverick, perhaps. Rampant egotist, definitely.
I happen to agree with a lot of his views, but I still think he’s a bellowing arsehole.
“bellowing arsehole” sounds a bit like what one gets after a night out on the sauce and a dodgy kebab on the way home.
And it sounds exactly like Mr Galloway.
Beautiful, swines.
I do not recognise the egotist bit. He is a splendid orator who defends what he perceives to be injustice. He is not shy, but an egotist, no.
He’s a boorish wazzock, DINLT. And Saddam’s mate, let’s not forget that. Never mind the cat incident; being caught on camera licking an unpleasant dictator’s arsehole is what we should remember about this pompous little toad.
morning everybodies.
i have seen most of these telly moments. imizing.
has anyone here read wetlands by that englo-germanic lady charlotte roche? i am having to read it through my closed eyelids. it’s very descriptive. and a bit wet. like the title.
DINLT – I am afraid i just cannot see that point of view. What about when he was banned from Canada? I don’t think he should have been banned for the reasons that they gave, but he did show his egotistical side when he was giving his defence. I thought he was suprememly arrogant with all that “a scotsman being barred from Canada is like being denied access to the family home” stuff. Notwithstanding the fact that this was meant as irony.
He is an excellent orator, as various spats with the Hitchens brothers and others have proved, but he is still an egotist, I think.
Yes Nap..I believe the US were Saddams mate too during the Iran Iraq war of the eighties.
DINLT – And that lets Galloway off the hook, does it? That’s as ridiculous as saying Japan was alright because Germany was slapping the world about in the ’40s as well.
No, no..i am not suggesting that Nap.
What i am suggesting is that it is interesting that somebody challenges the perceptions we have. As I said he points out the inherent paradoxes.
The inherent paradoxes of fawning over a murderous lunatic whilst pretending to give a fuck about said lunatic’s oppressed people? Right you are.
The twerp’s a twat.
*waits for people to respond to her question*
Sorry Breeks, no I haven’t read or heard of the book. On the strength of your review, I don’t suppose i shall be doing so either.
I mus admit the saddam bit does look bad for georgie boy. But nonetheless dialogue is always better than war.
it’s moist, fiona.
“But nonetheless dialogue is always better than war.”
Neville Chamberlain had similar thoughts.
breeks: Did you drop it in the sink or something? Or did it come ready-wet? I can’t see that being a selling point for the majority of the reading public.
Also breeks, doesn’t it make the ink run?
NC – I thought much the same, but was afraid of invoking Godwin.
“Your Majesty, the Spanish Armada is heading our way. We must act, or England is doomed.”
“Erm … can’t we just have a chat, like?”
“The time for chat is ended, your Highness.”
“But dialogue is always better than war, Lord Burghley.”
“Well, yes, my Queen. The problem is, the Spanish want to depose you and restore Catholicism to this country. I don’t think they give a tuppeny fuck about dialogue.”
“Couldn’t we send them a nice letter?”
“We could … if you’re happy with the south of England being overrun with Spaniards, raping and pillaging their way towards London.”
“Shit …”
4* and feef – metaphorically and also much of the adjectives used are moist in tone. the first line references haemmorhoids and goes on to discuss … well, this is a polite gathering. go read it. or, rather, go to waterstones and have a flick.
gg’s point of view is that the saddam bit was mistranslated and misrepresented. Yes Chamberlain’s policy of appeasement was wrong. Nap you are a good orator too and you make good points. The situations you refer to are very different. Britain could not fight a war at the time of the munich agreement, apeasement or not. Our reaction to the invasion of Poland was probably our proudest and most honourable moment of the 21st century.
DINLT – Which, by your own admission, makes this claptrap:
“But nonetheless dialogue is always better than war.”
CLAPTRAP.
NC, I managed to both laugh ‘n learn.
I’m feeling shit this morning.
20th century.
I would also like to add that our reaction to Hitler’s invasion of Poland was indeed our proudest and most honourable moment of the 21st Century. The fact that it happened in the 20th Century is neither here nor there – we’ve done fuck all of any merit since, so I reckon you’re right to carry it on into the next millennium.
Piqued – Is it the Pig Flu? There’s been a distinct ring of immunity amongst the WWMers, and I reckon that STINKS.
“Going to Waterstones to have a flick” is your new euphemism of the week.
Do you know what? I love it when we discuss proper stuff. We can usually manage to do it well, without resorting to too many personal gibes.
More of this kind of thing please.
ahem, not the poor euphamismary though, 4*
Make love not war!
someone sneezed on the bus today and 3 people got up and moved.
3.
insanity. or, rather, insania.
i am rediscovering the appeal of writing with lead pencil. anyone?
Breeks – Have YOU had the Pig Flu?
Has anyone on here? EH?
DINLT – BALLS!
Yes it is fun if you have a bit of hayfever too. People keep their distance.
DINLT, as a sentiment, that is a nice one. You carry on, and ignore Nappers’ balls.
NC -No pig flu here, in general really. My mate that i went to the Big Chill with was a bit worried about it though.
Everyone – It is only flu – keep calm and carry on.
After 3 days eating beans and supernoodles whilst camping (and not taking a dump because the facilities were caked in poop), I’ve got the squits.
Does that count as swine flu?
not that i know of nappers, but then again i’m australian and therefore well hard and basically don’t get sick, yeah.
*snorts*
*grunts*
I write with pencils too, Breeks. I love pencils. Thanks for saying something I can respond to.
Swineshead flu, maybe? Or Swine Poo perhaps?
I’m a big fan of the pencil too.
*wonders whether that makes euphemism of the week*
*decides not*
My mother had it and said it was ‘alright’, but apart from that, I don’t know any bugger wot’s had it. This means we’ll all kick the bucket when the second (and more hideous) wave of the illness returns in a few months time.
You’ll get NOTHING in my will.
I tend to take the Maori view of war. It’s only fun if it is fair and both sides want to take part. Which battle was it that the Maoris gave the British weapons because they (the British) had ran out of ammunition?
NC – that is a bit mean. I was at least hoping to inherit one measly bean from your collection on your blog.
DINLT – Would that be the war you’ve just made up in your head?
Mel – I’ve got a blog? I’d completely forgotten about that …
*runs off*
haha .. no it did happen.
banana bread anyone?
oh, i forgot to tell you all i’ve now got an even MORE annoying housemate. thank god i’ve only 3 weeks left with them both.
god.
LOUD TALKER and THINKS MY UMBRELLA LOOKS LIKE A VIBRATOR. annoying.
DINLT – it sounds like an interesting concept, but a quick google search would suggest it may be an urban myth. I can find a lot of references to the maori declaring that they will shoot soldiers on sight, whether or not they are armed. I would love it to be true though.
Nap..when Captain Jean Luc Picard failed to take the opportunity to destroy the borg it was because of an inherent respect for life. Yes, the federation made a mistake and we had to eventually annihilate the borg because otherwise we would have been assimilated. But we did successfully through dialogue make peace with the Klingons.
You have too lok at each situation in it’s own context.
Breeeks – beat it to death with the umbrella, and leave the body in the dustbin, thus the other annoying housemate will get the blame.
NC, I said I was ‘feeling shit’ this morning
I’ve a big lump of dog poo that I’m kneading into the shape of the new Fiat 500
DINLT – Yes you do. That’s why making blanket statements such as …
“But nonetheless dialogue is always better than war.”
… is a silly idea.
YOU CAN’T WIN THIS.
Piqued – The Fiat 500, eh? Another wimmin’s comedy car to rival those awful Mini and Beetle rip-offs. Shit’s too good for it.
feef – she goes to sleep in the sitting room EVERY AFTERNOON for about 5 hours so (i) i can’t sit at my desk and work and (ii) i can’t watch ‘how it’s made’ on channel 524. also she’s still got 2 suitcases here in the sitting room that she dresses from.
crimes.
i really like my other housemate now.
Breeks, I say you go ahead and earn a living and watch whatever you damn well like. If she has a problem she can always go and sleep in the room for which she pays rent.
If she still has a problem, send her this way, and we’ll soon sort her out.
Fiat 500 is not a bad car. The abarth is a scorcher. (Ms DINLT fancies one).
yes i should do that you’re right but i have not the constitution for confrontation.
*eats banana cake*
NC, I though shit was the perfect medium for such a dreadful little vehicle
*squashes shit flat with face*
I’m going to make a model of Alan Duncan’s wallet
DINLT – I don’t doubt it is (until it breaks down repeatedly, being Italian). It is, however, a novelty accessory and not a proper car. Cashing in on folks’ fly-by-night obsession with ‘retro’ and wimmin’s bizarre notions about a lump of metal being ‘cute’.
Piqued – I’m enjoying the Alan Duncan ’scandal’.
apparently alan duncan’s wallet is quite thin, being only full of £64k a year and all.
I don’t know how they manage on 64.
*goes for three-hour banker lunch of swan and claret*
Yes, it is always terrible to see a wealthy oil baron on his uppers.
OK Nap…I have a passion for ancient history and visiting archaeological sites. I can happily talk about sumerian culture and the collapse of the assyrian empire, not to mention Darius 1,2 and 3. I understand that the history of the world has been based on conflict and instabilty. The times of relative peace and lack of conflict are comparatively rare. Indeed we are lucky that believe it or not we are living in one of those times. Perhaps warfare is innate. I do not know. Nonetheless as a (human) race of people we should try to seek peace and attain a peaceful worthwhile existence as a goal. Dialogue is the first step.
DINLT – “But nonetheless dialogue is always better than war.”
*wins*
Also, this …
“The times of relative peace and lack of conflict are comparatively rare. Indeed we are lucky that believe it or not we are living in one of those times.”
… isn’t true.
*wins again*
I do not mind the retro designs.
BMW, VW, Jaguar, Fiat, MG, Mini all do it. If you had a design icon why not reinvent it?
Wouldn’t mind seeing a modern version of the Triumph Herald.
DILT and NC should settle this argument with a big war. Then we’d see if dialog……oh, hang on.
How many people have been slaughtered in the Congo so far? Six million was it?
Just loving all this relative peace and lack of conflict, DINLT. Lucky, lucky, lucky …
Me too, NC. The red faced tosser.
I need some red for this stool
*opens vein*
Ah ha! Perfect!
*collapses*
I’m thinking of writing to these buggers to tell them I agree that it’s all Political Correctness gone fucking mad …
http://www.littlejohnllp.com/
i’ve been to the congo. kinshasa, akshually. i was very nearly arrested and definitely slapped and spat on. by police. it was ACES.*
*wasn’t
By the way, Piqued, I mentioned yesterday that I had to go for an MRI scan. Thanks for warning me that they make you drink gallons of wallpaper paste when you get there.
I hold YOU personally responsible for my discomfort, you arse.
Breeks – Fun!
I know the congo is an awful situation. But Europe will unlikely ever see war again between nation states.
Never say never, DINLT. I am sure there was some factions that held similar views after the war to end all wars, and so on.
naps – you’d have loved it. full of foreigners.
Anyone been to Istanbul..? If so, can you recommend any decent hotels that won’t cost me a kidney
i wish it were still called constantinople.
DINLT – Narrowing it done now, eh? Your relative peace and lack of conflict only applies to Europeans? Fair enough. I suppose it wouldn’t be right to include the Congolese or the Afghans or the Iraqis or the Palestinians because it sort of fucks up your ‘ain’t we lucky?’ argument.
Piqued – I nearly went to Istanbul, if that helps?
i am reading persepolis at the moment. it’s really quite good even if the words are mostly interrupted by cartoons.
I am not really having an argument Nap. The European experience shows that dialogue works better than warring. We worked it out after devastating our continent 70 years ago. Maybe you have to have a devastating conflict to bring peace. Who knows?
I’m reading a book on the Glorious Revolution at the moment, which is even more boring than the last one I read about Edward III.
DINLT – Then maybe you should have stuck to that instead of coming out with all that rubbish you’ve written above, you butterfly?
Oh, and I’ve come to the conclusion that football’s SHIT.
Are you Scottish Nap?
Hi B – Is there any of that banana bread still going? Can I have some?
*scratches at screen*
NC, very useful thanks, I’ll run your idea by the missus
yeah there is, clarry-ton. is that why you’re itchy? cause of your name?
fnar.
sorry.
yes.
*hands over banana bread*
DINLT – No, thanks. I just wanted to rub you up the wrong way (not in a sex way).
Piqued – Happy to help. If there’s anywhere else in the world you’re planning on visiting that I’ve nearly been to, please don’t hesitate to ask for my advice on things I won’t know about.
Vote LIEbour!
Has anyone done that before?
*stands poised to ring Saatchi & Saatchi*
Probably, Nappers
http://angrymob.uponnothing.co.uk/daily-mail-dictionary
New Post Alert, my lovers.
*winks*
Make pencils, not war.
I wish it was still called Byzantium.
Buggeration …
Talking of banana cake, did anyone see that crazy woman on Dragon’s den last night peddling her “recipie sharing” website? What’s up with fucking pen and paper then?
Also, I once saw that Victor guy from BB (leader of the jungle cats) on ver tube..he was with his kid but had this look of – hey don’t you know who I am, on his face. Irritatingly smug, yet retarded. Quite a feat.