“Hey, have you seen The Sopranos?”
“Yes, yes I have.”
“What do you think of it?”
“It’s … great?”
“Ha ha! It sure is! Who’s your favourite character?”
“Erm … Burt Soprano?”
Have YOU ever lied about a global TV phenomenon?
Perhaps you didn’t want to feel left out when your work colleagues discussed last night’s The West Wing? Maybe the hype and the fact everyone who was everyone watched The Wire left you feeling like a bit of an ignorant twat, and therefore you pretended you’d seen this monumentally complex show when you’d done no such thing? Or perhaps, like me, you not only said you watched Ally McBeal, but also lied that you enjoyed Ally Mc-fucking-Beal to gain access to the inner sanctum of an Ally McBeal-obsessed young lady?
If you have lied about seeing a TV show you hadn’t, what were the consequences? Were you caught out? Did you lose friends as a result? Or did you, through hours of painstaking print media and Internet research (an activity that took up more of your time than actually watching the show would have done), piece together a show’s labyrinthine plot and cast of thousands to maintain your web of lies throughout its entire seven year run?
We here at your Evil State-Funded Socialist Health Care Watch With Mothers want to hear your lies, WWMers. We want to know your motives for lying, what you lied about, what you did to keep that lie going and what (if any) was the fallout from your lies.
And best of all, thanks to advances in scientific technology incomprehensible to the ordinary human mind, you can now tell us about those lies in comments bristling with italics, bold type and hyper-links, though not necessarily with bullet points, numbered lists or underlining. Ahem.
OVER TO YOU, YOU FUCKING LIARS!
*end of football comment*
239 Comments
I told everyone in the playground that I’d seen that last episode of Quantum Leap – the leap hooooome.
But I never saw it and don’t know if it exists.
I told everyone I’d been watching the Wire when really I’d been hanging around outside dealing drugs.
Swines – i don’t think it does, does it? I thought the show got cancelled before the leap home? I may be entirely incorrect about that though.
I don’t recall having lied about a programme, but I probabbly have done at some point.
I am intrigued about the Ally McBeal lie though – was it successful?
My Ally McBeal lie was exposed for the bunkum it was when, having gained access to the lady’s living room, I blurted out “Hey! That’s him off of Ghostbusters II!” when she put a video of that SHIT on.
Mel – That’s MY Ally McBeal lie.
MINE.
I have never lied about watching a TV program. Indeed, I ENJOY telling people of all the programs I have NOT watched.
I lied about watching the remake of Reggie Perrin, when really I was busy drowning Martin Clunes but making it look like suicide.
I am planning to lie about watching the X Factor results show every Sunday, when really I will be at church, praying for all the world’s sinners.
There are several episodes of Quantum Leap where he leaps hooooooooome I think. The last episode is well trippy though, and involves him being in a bar peopled by all the people he has leapt into over the years.
I would like the Quantum Leap boxset.
I have never watched a full episode of Quantum Leap.
Ooh, that sounds good. From now on i shall lie about having seen it. I knew he had gone ‘home at some points, but not permanently, like.
Nor X factor, celebrity come dancing, pop idol, basically anything on mainstream TV on a Saturday night unless it was football.
Part of the benefit of WWM is that I can read excellent summaries of, for example, Big Brother and then pretend that I’ve been watching it. Now all I have to do is to meet some people who’d be impressed by such a thing. Or meet any people, really.
I’m with DINLT; saying “Nah, I hardly ever watch telly” is much more fun. People wonder what on earth you get up to. Enigmatic and mysterious. OK, not so much.
I think i will lie about seeing This Life return in middle age.
It was so rubbish, I will lie to myself in order to try and erase it from memory.
A liar’s guide to Quantum Leap would be good.
Um, there’s an episode of Fr**nds where Rachel pretends to have read Wuthering Heights for a book group and, hilariously, Phoebe has told her it has killer robots in it. If only they’d said Pride and Prejudice and zombies.
FM – I don’t think he ever gets home permanently. There was an episode where he leaped back home, and made sweeet lurrrrve to his wife but then he had to leap off again cos Al had got himself into a pickle.
I can’t remember what happens at the end of the last episode, it all seemed like a bit of a rush-job (see also the last episode of The Prisoner which was written in about four minutes apparently).
I thought there wasn’t a last episode of the Prisoner?
There’s no last episode of Robinson Crusoe, if thathelps. No, that doesn’t help.
Bullet points
Are so
13 August
I have never seen the prisoner. It was all a bit trippy for me.
A very famous lie that people tell is that they saw the Sex Pistols at that seminal gig in Hammersmith (maybe?). Thousands of people claim to have seen that, and the venue is tiny.
I have never claimed to have seen it, because I was a toddler at the time.
The last episode of The Prisoner is really good though! And it’s got All You Need is Love in it. First time I ever heard that song.
Despite reviewing it (or at least talking about it on here) I’ve never seen a whole episode of BGT.
pilchard – there is a last episode of the Prisoner but it was written very quickly by Patrick McGoohan cos they cut the episode number from 18 to 12 (or summat) at very short notice so he had to cobble it together. Its a very odd piece of 60s hippy-trippy-craziness.
FM – also the Stone Roses at Spike Island.
SH – it directly contradicts two earlier episodes of the Prisoner where a) he is taken away from an island in a helicopter and has to fly for hours and hours to escape and b) where he builds a raft and has to sail for weeks and weeks to escape. In the last episode he walks through a tunnel for 20 minutes and ends up in Trafalgar Square.
I don’t think that really matters, but some Prisoner fans do. They get quite angry about it.
If i said to you that I had seen the moon landings on telly, would you believe me?
It’s not like anything about The Prisoner really makes much sense anyway…
Having said that, I used to watch it when I was seven years old, so I probably just liked the big bubblegum bubble on the beach.
Same thing with Woodstock, Mel. Personally, I like to lie that I was at the Soviet Union’s equivalent to Woodstock – Vyodstok. I’ll pretend I saw Joseph Kockefski sing ‘Together, The Workers Of The World Will Smash The Borgeouise Stranglehold Over Tractor Production’ and Vladimir Hendrickovich’s ‘Potassium Production Must Increase Threefold In The Years 1970 – 1974′.
I got so high on potatoes, man.
The Prisoner was SHIT!
My kitten was successfully spayed. #welovethevet
I thought you were getting a Westie, swines?
My kitten was successfully spayed. #welovethevet
Jesus.
It was satire, Napoleon. SATIRE
Going on about gigs attended is a guy thing isn’t it? Some music fans are even more tragic than rabid football fans.
There’s a thing on Facebook called 50 Gigs I Can remember or something. Basically a boast-opportunity. Here’re some of mine:
That’s about it, now I think on it.
That was satire? My apologies.
*under breath*
Satire, my arse …
We’ve had it all today – satire, Sartre and Ally McBeal.
SH – I’ve been tagged in that a few times and its very boring when people just list them.
1. Lemonheads, Astoria, 1994
2. Blur, Cardiff International Arena, 1996
Read Sarah Bee’s though, its dead good. You can tell she was a music journo.
I don’t like to boast, but I saw Chas ‘n’ Dave live at Mablethorpe’s Dunes Family Entertainment Centre.
AND I used to own this album.
Has anyone got nice weekend plans? I have been cancelled on by TWO women. TWO.
TWO!
Beeee-atches.
These days I prefer seeing bands in pubs.
Seeing name bands in big venues these days seems a sterile experience. no drinking, no smoking, you just sit there.
I have been to loads of gigs and that, but none of them were ’seminal’. I had tickets to see Nirvana, but thenhe blew his head off, making going to see them a bit redundant.
Do blokes lie about being at important matches too, do you think?
I don’t really go to gigs these days, I am too old and grumpy. But I do have tickets to see the Pixies in October. Woohoooooooo! That will be good.
I did see Chas and Dave too, Nappers. They played the Big Chill in 2006.
I threw stuff at Dylan when he went elektrikal.
FM – did you have fun at the Big Chill last week by the way? I forgotted to ask.
*nonchalantly blows on fingertips*
Shakin’ Stevens – Pontins, Prestatyn
*wins*
*jealous*
I have seen them a couple of times live. As you might expect, they RAWK!
Roszsz – get used to it, all women are bitches, yeah?
More gigs I have seen:
Mel…in the football world not attending your teams games makes you an armchair supporter, which is not a good thing. Nonetheless, these days I will happily explain why I do not attend matches as I used to.
I did see Chas and Dave too, Nappers. They played the Big Chill in 2006.
That doesn’t count, Mel. You didn’t specifically buy tickets to see Chas ‘n’ Dave, did you? I went out of my way to see Chas ‘n’ Dave and Chas ‘n’ Dave ALONE.
Ace of Base… Butlins…. Minehead…
“ELLO WESTON SUPER MARAY!”
Rockin.
Roszs – yes the event itself was acers. I have missed drum and bass. All we get over here is Eurotrance.
*awaits abuse*
SH – did you REALLY see the Proclaimers at Greenbelt Christian Festival? Cos I actually did. So I hope you did too otherwise I have revealed a horrible thing about my past.
A friend of mine went to see something advertised as ‘An evening of drum and bass’ in Prague. It turned out to be just that – a man on drums and a woman on a double bass.
I did actually see Nirvana live @ Newcastle Mayfair and they were amazing. An astonishing aural assault with all the energy and passion they could muster, the audience left utterly destroyed by sheer sonic brilliance.
However, The Charlatans at the same venue was like listening to their CDs in order at a reasonable volume, while your uncle pottered in his shed.
Roszszz – yes I did. That is weird.
SH: I played at the Axe & Cleaver once too…
Fourstar – I have to say, I am not all that surprised at that information about the Charlatans.
Does. What. It. Syas. On. The. Tin.
SH – that is very weird.
I’ve seen Chas and Dave too.
4* – I bet Nirvana weren’t as good as the Proclaimers at Greenbelt Christian Festival.
To be honest, I’m more impressed with what Swineshead’s seen. These ordinary bands (Nirvana et al) pale into insignificance when compared to his seeing The Smurfs at Boston’s Regal Centre.
Oh, and did I mention I’d seen The Carradoes & Henry The Dog at the Embassy, Skegness?
*ahem*
says
*drinks more tea*
When i was really little, I used to go and see the sooty show live at the Rose’s Theatre in Tewksbury.
This FQ is turning away from lies and more about variety shows.
Telling people which gigs you went to, is only really of great interest to those who were also at the gig. It’s a bit like the friend you had at school, who has heard a great song that you have not heard and they are singing it to you…”and then it goes like this etc”.
DINLT – You say that before you hear me describe The Smurfs at Bostons Regal Centre.
They threw sweets – SWEETS – into the crowd.
DINLT – I agree. Unless the gig in question is the one where Englebert Humperdinck had a minor heart attack on stage at the Blackpool Astoria during a performance of ‘Please Release Me’, causing him to ramble wildly about how he wanted to put out a contract on Tom Jones.
Or if you did see the sex pistols at that famous gig (was it the Astoria?)
I would have liked to have been at that Amy Winehouse gig where she went all mental and called Michael Parkinson a c*nt.
They threw sweets?
Bet they wouldn’t be allowed to do that now. Mothers would be worried that the sweets were contaminated with germs. And they’d probably also be concerned that the Smurfs were trying to groom the children into their nonce ring using sweets as bait.
Oh, can I have one that everyone thought I had lied about?
I don’t sleep all that much, and am often to be found watchng telly late at night. Back in the day (when all of this was fields) when they still turned off the BBC at night, the continuity announcer was leading up to the National Anthem when he slipped up and did some kind of spoonerism, resulting in him saying the word ‘cock’ he started to apologise, but then said ‘ah never mind, no-one is actually watching this anyway’.
This really happened.
Mel – That reminds me of the time the weather map broke on the Channel Four News, and Krishna ‘Guru’ McMurphy advised folk to look out of the window if they were that bothered.
The problem with the Smurfs is that I felt that they were a manufactured band.
Fi – there are two versions of the Sex Pistols boast: the southern version I usually hear is the Screen on the Green (yes, it’s a cinema, but apparently they played there) and the northern one is Manchester Free Trade Hall (?). Well, somewhere in bloody Manchester. The way people tell it, the entire population of Manchester was at that gig, and then they all went home in a fever and built Tony Wilson out of body parts robbed from a graveyard.
Nappers – that is good, I didn’t see it though.
My question about the smurfs is Was Father Abraham there too?
Did anyone see the episode of Ready Steady Cook where Fern Britten forgot to put the top on the food processor and got sprayed with gunk?
In reality, weren’t there about eight people at that Manchester gig? And wasn’t one of ‘em Mick Hucknall, making it seven people, technically?
DINLT – if it wasn’t uncool to say something like LOL here, I’d say LOL at this point.
Obviously I can’t say LOL here, as people would think I was being satirical.
I saw The Smurfs once. They blue me away.
*waits*
Aha Pilch, thanks for clearing that up for me.
I see what you did there, Fourstar.
I have the smurfs and father abraham album, somewhere in my parent’s loft.
Girls!
Let me see if I’ve got this right:
£6.99 steak dinner = tits
£7.99 steak dinner = tits + ass
£8.99 steak dinner = naked tits + ass
£9.99 steak dinner = naked tits + naked ass + naked particulars
£10.99 steak dinner = full naked + ‘O’
£11.99 steak dinner = full naked + ‘O’ + ‘V’
£12.99 steak dinner = full naked + ‘O’ + ‘V’ + ‘A’
£12.99 steak dinner + £8.99 bottle of house wine = full naked + ‘O’ + ‘V’ + ‘A’ + your best friend / sister / mother
Is that right?
NC – I only eat organic meat, so for those prices you would be lucky to see a hint of bra strap.
Mel - There’s no such thing as organic meat, so it doesn’t matter. I’ll just ask the waiter to tell you it’s organic meat, and you’ll believe him in the same way you’ve swallowed the lie in your day-to-day shopping habits.
Now, have I got my fucking list right?
He would have to go a lot further than sayirng yes to me, to prove that the meat in question is organic.
I think this proposed fumble of yours is doomed from the start.
However, you may get a bit further with a ‘certain’ kind of lady if you start considering buying puddings too.
Mind you when i was at school, there was a guy (must have been 14/15), who went to see the band of the hour at the time at the Marquee..(i think it was the marquee i will check). On the pic sleeve of their Live EP from the gig, he is pictured. That I thought was quite impressive. He gained a lot of Kudos from that.
Mel – There’s no such thing as organic (unless the animal grazed on pastures on a different planet, I suppose).
Anyway … pudding? On top of a £12.99 steak dinner + £8.99 bottle of wine? You greedy bitch.
DINLT – that is impressive. Unless it was the live abum for the Tweets or something. Or that school chior that sang “grandma we love you”
Nap..I have been saying the same thing albeit differently. All food is organic.
Ahem “certain kind of lady”
I am neither certain, nor a lady, so I am clearly not referring to me.
DINLT – I fail to see how food manufacturers growing stuff on a planet that has been subject to not only years of surface nuclear testing, but also mass overuse of pesticides can claim their overpriced produce is ‘organic’. Unless I missed the bit where the world was subjected to a deep-clean, the concept of organic food is a preposterous lie touted by charlatans in the same way bunkum tinctures were sold as miracle cures to idiots in the American mid-west 150 years ago.
Mel – Greedy bitch.
I failed to see Joy Division play live, because they were on the bill with the Buzzcocks, who I’d seen a couple of months previously. I was 14 and stupid.
Organic means..relating or belonging to the class of chemical compounds having a carbon basis;
The back to nature bit that the word’s meaning seems to have taken on is new.
Carbon! It’s everywhere these days.
Pilchard – Lucky for you somebody had the foresight to record their songs on an LP, eh?
Stop showing off with your casual use of bold, underline, italics and bullet points!
I’m SO jealous.
P.S Bea from BB is un-Bea-lievable!
DINLT – It’s the back-to-nature bit people have swallowed as if its gospel I have a problem with.
I enjoyed that report by science that proved organic food has no more nutritional benefit than normal food. The BBC cut to an organic veg shop, and the customers refusing to believe the report put me in mind of Christians denying the earth goes round the sun. Why would you believe years of painstaking research, after all?
Wallies.
Clarry – I’ll ask AGAIN! Are you using IE 8?
Personally, CLARRY, I think
the new functionality is
aces.
Mind you Nap that report was a bit silly. It failed to take into account by it’s own admission and remit the effect of chemicals. It was only based on the nutritional value, which not surprisingly found that a 2 tomatos grown in different environments had just about the same nutrients. If you choose to buy food that has not had chemicals sprayed on it that is fine…but it is just “organic” as the one that is sprayed daily.
Nap: I’m not sure. How can I tell? I am a dib at computers.
Bloody thing threw away my bullets!
Personally, I think the new functionality is crap.
but it is just as “organic” as the one that is sprayed daily.
Morning.
I’m trying to work AND sort out the myriad of things required to move home. Who says men can’t mutitask, eh?
*pats head AND rubs tummy*
You like that?
Fucking A
non “organic” food would suggest it has not grown, has no form of life whatsoever and is basically completely artificial.
Can you do red writing?
I really want to do red writing sometimes.
Clarry – Do you have a button that looks like a piece of paper ripped in half next to your refresh button? If so, press that, and you should get this fancy new comments box.
NC – the last two girls who let me feel ‘em up bought ME dinner.
*fonz*
DINLT – what about salt? In important foodstuff, but comes out of inorganic chemistry.
*runs away*
Piqued – That multi-tasking thing’s a crock of shit. Rambo can control a horse with one hand whilst killing Afghans with the other. AND HE’S A MAN.
Roszs – Bof! Metaphorically and literally!
Roszs – That proves my point. How much did they spend on the steak dinner?
*prepares to write this down*
BOF!
*shrugs gallicly*
Hell there. One of my tv lies is about Live Aid. I never saw it on TV because I was on holiday that day. But my brother videod a lot of it, so when young people today ask me if I remember it, I can wing it. Instead of saying Sorry, I was on a canal barge just outside of Wigan.
The sea is inorganic chemistry Mel?
(Early civilisations did not eat fish?).
Thumper – the second one was probably cooler!
It doesn’t prove your point cos they were both a lot prettier than me so therefore I should have had to buy THEM loads of stuff to get a feel. Thank god for my winning smile.
Nap – No I don’t have an icon that looks like a piece of paper that’s been ripped in half. Are there any other options?
DINLT I was referring to the fact that table salt (sodium chloride) is inorganic, by your chemistry definition, but we still have to eat some of that. It was a passing comment, and really does not deserve scrutiny.
It is not just me being a bit obtuse today is it?
Clarry - Have you tried using Google Chrome or Firefox?
Mel, cooler than Adam & the Ants and Status Quo on the same bill? And Phil Collins was on twice.
*Feels hollow*
Clarry – I ain’t got that button either. Or these crazy new-fangled formatting options.
Hmmmmmm.
Roszs – But I assume you’re ‘the woman’ in these sinful relationships you insist on having, aren’t you? Therefore, you get the steak dinner and they get a fumble.
Che bello! This new italics functionailty means I can comment in Italian now and show off in front of the girls.
Thumper – if you include the bit where they all sang feed the world, surely Phil Collins was on 3 times ?
Oh and we are both forgetting Sir Bob getting all sweary.
*rethinks*
I got caught in the middle of a heated exchange about Lost down the pub once. I just kept repeating the fact that there was some demon in episode 1 that knocked down a plane engine and that Lost was all about limbo but was rubbish compared to The Prisoner anyway.
Not only have I never watched Lost but I’ve only seen two episodes of The Prisoner on ITV4.
Live Aid’s easy to wing it, Thumps. Just bang on about how good Queen were. Anyone says ‘But what about Bowie?’, you just stare ‘em down and snap ‘Queen!’. They’ll leave it at that.
Sorry Mel…Steak dinner? You can have a starter too!
roszsszzss & Clarry – which browser(s) are you using?
At the risk of getting a slap, click on Help > About (unless you’re on Safari or Chrome, but it works on those anyway)
DINLT – sticky toffee pudding is where it’s at, you know.
A starter??
I’ve got Live AIDS on DVD and haven’t watched it once. I blame Christmas for it all, the Africans don’t know the half of it.
And my commenting function is going weird again…
I keep meaning to scan for Charles my Melody Maker of the event.
Live Aid was amazing. I did not go but nonetheless it was incredible. Mind you Bob Dylan made a bit of an arse himself. Wembley way better than Philadelphia.
NC – I think I am probably the boy cos I have short hair and wear trousers and drink pints and can mend a bike. Lezbot women are just stupid I think.
Right, I’m back. What’re you lot babbling about?
I forgot to mention, by the way, that when my Ally McBeal lies were exposed, the lady mentioned above kicked me out of her house. This was a betrayal of the unwritten contract between a man and a woman when he’s forked out over £8.99 for a steak dinner, a sfar as I’m concerned. AND she had the nerve to take offence when I asked to be reimbursed the price of the meal!
SH: Italics, steak dinners, Live Aid(s), organic food, bullet points and lezbots
you?
A starter??
Hmm it’s a tricky one Nap. It depends on whether the salad bar is included in the dinner. If you’ve got the run of the salad bar, then forget the starter. If not..you could show your sensitive side by suggesting a prawn cocktail. Only a suggestion mind.
I was just eating a ham and cheese sandwich in a cafe, and being bothered by a bee.
Christ! I’m only on version 6. Am I a total square?
4*/Nap – Are there any other options for me? This is my work comp so I can’t really go meddling with the settings or ask the tech guy how to change it, so that I can comment with more pizzaz on a blog site I spend to much time visiting when I should be working.
* pizazz
** too much
Swineshead – you must live the life of a king. Do you have one of those netbooks as well? I was in a brewery the other day and some bloke got out his netbook like a proud dad.
Clarry – You’re FUCKED.
I think those netbooks are silly.
The other time you had to lie about TV was at school the day after they had shown a cool film on TV and you had missed it
Did ye see Apocalypse Now last night?
Eh? Oh aye, eh, sure ..
Did ye see the bit when they killed the coo?
Er, aye, brilliant …
Plowman - I remember 999 beign the coolest show in the world when I was in reception class at primary school. And The Crystal Maze, some time later on.
I couldn’t watch either of these shows so I lied about them, God damn it. I lied.
When there was all that drug stuff on Grange Hill, I know a couple of people that were caught in a lie about having seen the episode where Zammo died.
DINLT – netbooks are ace, I have a Lenovo S10e for the sofa and an Asus Eee901 which lives in the shed.
Clarry – IE6?? Fuck me. Don’t tell me you’re running Windows 2000 as well?
DINLT – I don’t see why a man who’s already having to shell out the best part of a tenner on a steak dinner (more, depending on how far you’re hoping to get) has to fork out even more on a mini meal before the main event. If, by some miracle, a woman can handle a full steak dinner and she’s still hungry, she should eat those weeds they traditionally put on the plate so the management can save money by not giving you more chips
A starter’s greed, plain and simple.
Nap..do you suggest to your ladyfriends how they might like their steak cooked?
Is Dave mark II the same as the other Dave? Or is it a different Dave? Have I missed something? So much happens on this site, it’s difficult to keep up
At my local pizzeria if you have something like Parma Ham & Melon or Antipasto Italiano as a starter it can cost more than the actual pizza. That just doesn’t seem right.
Thumper – most of the Daves are that Dave, as are anything called MOOS, my opinion on stuff, chalk and cheese, most of the “pop stars” that turn up on here from time to time (I think) and the occasional lady.
I don’t have a netbook, no. I sat and read the paper, and avoided a bee. That is literally all the information you need to formulate an accurate image of my trip to the cafe, Dave.
Cafe + paper + bee.
Oh… + ham and cheese sandwich (w. mustard)
SH – +sandwich.
Did you have a beverage as well?
Which paper?
DINLT – They can have it cooked any way they want. I’m more interested in what I can expect to get for my money.
Seating arrangement at cafe? Did you sit alone with 3 spare places around you? Maybe they have a counter and stool? Waiting service, or go up and order? Other clientele?
I do not have an accurate picture in my mind.
SH – wot cafe? I bet the paper was the guardian you bleeding heart LIBERAL.
Paper = The Times & Guardian
+ apple juice.
I’m touched you all care so much.
“The occasional lady”?
I hope he’s not that HotSusie1981 who’s been following me on Twitter
Roszs – that one with a garden on Chatsworth Road (hence bee)
To those batchelors out there who are yet to enjoy the unique experience that is living with a lady, this is what it’s like:
“Shall we move house?”
“Yes.”
“House, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house …”
“We’ve found a house.”
“Great! We need this for the new house … and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this …”
“Well here we are.”
“I don’t like this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this …”
“What about this?”
“No! Why did YOU ever let me suggest we move away from our lovely home? This is your fault! As is this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this …”
“Well we could always move again …?”
“Yes! House, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house, house …”
Sounds a posh cafe. My local cafe you are lucky to get a greasy copy of the Mirror or The Sun.
Some cunt in a lorry has just knocked my Black Bitch over… more to follow
Oh dear, i sense violence.
Just take his numberplate and call the police, piqued.
It’s only a motorbike – no real harm done.
*laughs at the idea of Piqued + violence*
That’s not fucking funny NC
It is to me, Piqued. It’s an inanimate object, not a person. The lorry company’ll have insurance, I presume?
‘Black Bitch’, indeed.
It happened off a public road, no insurance
And it’s not an ‘inanimate’ object, for a start it moves and secondly… well, you wouldn’t undertand so I won’t even bother
Thanks for the support though
NC is correct. We moved from a poky 2 bed flat to a 4 bed house with a garden and I am still getting grief about whether we now need to extend the kitchen/build a garage/knock the lounge through. I really don’t know how they find the time to buy the crap with which to fill up the house, I really don’t. I could live my entire life out of a medium sized duffel bag, give or take the odd laptop or three.
Sorry, where were we?
Piqued, that sounds like the driver is not going to take responsibility – is it a company van? I would hope he will take responsibility, but you can always cal them.
Jacket potato and cottage cheese, by the way.
Mel, he’s taking responsibility. Not just my bike, he hit a colleagues too. Making some calls
Clarry, are you seriously running IE6?
Piqued – I do understand, as it ‘appens. I understand the bullshit biker mentality perfectly. Your ‘we are different and what we drive is more visceral and truer to the spirit of the road’ view of yourselves isn’t exactly hard to understand – another way of saying it is ‘we are pompous twats who think a lot of ourselves and our silly way of getting around’ .
You patronising arse.
Well, that is something, Piqued. Still a bugger though.
Also, how can you manage to fail to see TWO motorbikes?
Oooof bad luck Piqued. I feel your pain (4 bikes and a front wheel nicked in the past year, I know its not the same but ner ner ner Napoleon, its horrible when something happens to your primary mode of transport).
Maybe he was doing it on purpose? I’d seriously consider mowing down a couple of bikes if I was driving a lorry.
Roszs – It’s hardly the end of the world, is it? Or don’t they have buses down your way?
Roszs – two d locks is the solution. one for the frame and back wheel and one for the front wheel. It saves a fortune in the long run.
I think it must have been fun when one could use a horse as a primary mode of transport. Ride off to the local inn…beer and wenches. Ride back.
I guess the paths and roads must have just filled up with too much manure and so we turned to mechanical transportation. It would be nice to ride home on your horse.
No you see, you don’t get it, NC
It has fuck all to do with that. I’m not some sort of pseudo fucking Hells Angel/Road warrior for Chrissakes.
I’ve been riding bikes since I was 8, it’s a passion, like music.
My guess is the lorry was reversing.
Hey..you can get a diploma in riding busses these days!
NC – I don’t think I said it was the end of the world. Its just expensive and annoying. Much like buses, compared to a bike.
FM – yes, I should stop tethering them with butterflies and hope..!
‘A passion’
HA HA!
DINLT – when I lived on a farm in the Yorkshire Dales we used to go to the pub on a horse and cart. It was the bestest thing ever.
Fanatastic roszsszzss. Can you still do it?
NC – why can’t you be passionate about motorbikes? People are passionate about weirder stuff than that.
*goes back to listening to two-album wonders Elastica for the twenty zillionth time*
Roszs – Couldn’t you save up the money you’d spend on future wheels and use it to buy a car? It’s harder to steal the wheels off of a car.
By the way, I’ve been wanking since I was eight years old. It is my passion.
*lorry reverses over dick*
MY PASSION!
DINLT – not in London unfortunately. Ain’t got a shed big enough to keep the horse in.
No in the Yorkshire Dales roszsszzss?
Duh!
I currently own a 9-year-old Renault Scenic. I will be spending tomorrow looking at a 4-year-old Renault Scenic to replace it. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you don’t have kids *sigh*
NC – I prefer swooshing past the mile long traffic jams on me wheelz than sitting in one in a car. Plus I never got round to learning to drive. SHould do that at some point probably. Then I could be a bus driver and kill many birds with one stone.
A horse costs loads of cash to look after unless you live in Bradford.
NC – there’s loads of horses in Bradford aren’t there! Tis odd… I once saw one walking unaccompanied through the city centre.
DINLT – yes! Yes you can.
I first tasted Arctic Roll when I was a small boy. You wouldn’t, of course, understand, but Arctic Roll has been my passion ever since.
(I could say ‘I like Arctic Roll LOADS’, but that wouldn’t be half as wanky as saying it is ‘my passion’)
Cars are not cheap to look after either Nap.
NC – you’ve been wanking since you were EIGHT? Isn’t that terribly young?
*knows nothing about boys*
I might get an arcticulated roll to drive to work on.
Roszs – The buggers are everywhere. Isn’t there some sort of ancient by-law meaning Bradfordians have the right from birth to be a rag ‘n’ bone men?
Is that monk character still alive?
DINLT – That’s what jobs are for.
NC – he is. I saw him about a month ago when I went up there for a visit. He lives in Baildon.
And the man with invisible guns who shoots at the traffic at Foxes Corner.
I sort of miss Bradford.
Roszs – My grandad used to live in Baildon. The monk fella must be ancient. He was knocking around the Royal Infirmary area when I was a boy.
Mind you they would be probably trying to make us ride donkeys these days. A good thoroughbred would be considered environmentally unsound.
My old bosses mum (and my boss is 53) remembers him from when she was young. He must be about two hundred years old. I once saw him buying new sandals in Clarks on Briggate.
How many horses would fit in a parking space?
Or a carpark? I think i am on to something.
NC – http://bradfordmonk.blogspot.com/
DINLT – it would depend on the size of the carpark. If it was a multi-storey number i reckon you could get at least five and a half in.
Roszs – Well bugger me. I was sure he must be dead by now.
DINLT – Surely stables would be a better idea? And bringing back smoking in pubs? And red phone boxes? And bobbies on the beat? And you could leave your door open in them days …
*remembers all fields*
How do you get to Wales in a mini.
Oh…
Napkin – I think you are cruel and mean. You are also a RUBBISH speller. ‘Batchelor’, indeedy.
Hello CM wot is ace at grammar and syntax whatever abuse NC is about to throw your way.
Yes of course stables Nap. I am intending to convert car parks into stables. But when you are out shoppping, you gotta tie the horse up, so parking spaces. And those with meters you could tie the horse too.
Tie the horse to the meter and lamp posts too!
You’d need to d-lock it or its legs might get stolen.
What’s so funny to have a passion about motorcycles? About anything for that matter?
Clarry’s Mam – I don’t need to take spelling advice from a haggard old ignoramous with a drink problem and empty nest syndrome. So I won’t, thanks.
DINLT – You could have those posts they used to have outside saloons in the Old West?
Piqued – sorry to hear about your upset.
NEW POST ALERTS
Nappers – you’re a right charmer today, eh? YOU BASTARD
Nap it would be brilliant. Moseying up to the saloon, tieing up the horse and then watching the football on ESPN.
Shit, the missus!
*closes down several browser windows full of ‘passion’*
(It’s the wanky way you say it, Piqued. Not enough to just say you like something a lot, eh? No, it has to be ‘a passion’. How typical of you, you pretentious PONCE!)
Swineshead – Up yours! And anyway, where have you been skulking?
DINLT – I think you’d have to extend erecting the posts to outside businesses other than just saloons. Not everyone drinks all the time (unless they’re Piqued or Clarry’s Mam).
Right..the call of the open, i want to become a cowboy.
NAp..the carparks and car parking spaces. As we have decided you could get 5 horses into a single car parking sppace.
I’ve been working out how to make multi-page posts. Which I’m sure is fascinating for all of you.
DINLT – Five sounds ambitious. I suppose if you widened the bay and had ‘em tied up side-by-side along the length of the bay it’d work …
*tries maths*
Swineshead – Multi-page posts, eh?
*wanks*
Rozsz:
“FM – yes, I should stop tethering them with butterflies and hope..!”
That made me do a funny whimper noise out of my nose.
Also:
“NC – you’ve been wanking since you were EIGHT? Isn’t that terribly young?”
*knows nothing about boys*
I ALWAYS wonder about that? Whenever I ask Mr Clarry how old he was when he first, you know what, he changes the subject and says I’m weird for asking.
4* – Yes, seriously I am running IE6. Will I die?
Clarry – I lied about that. I was actually seven.
Clarry – Clarry’s Mam is worried now, wot be IE6?
*Frets terribly*
Napkin – I don’t mind when other pepples do rubbish spelling! I don’t mind when you do, acksherly, but I find you angry, squeaking rages, and baseless insults, funny beyond compare!
Mam – they’re all next door.
IE6 = Internet Explorer 6. I terribly behind the times apparently.
* I’m