Very sad to wake up this morning, with the radio reporting that Keith Floyd had died of a heart attack, hours after a show devoted to him on Channel 4 was aired.
Keith Allen’s documentary last night was, as far as these kinds of celebrity catch-ups tend to go, pretty damned respectful. It was clear that Allen had profound respect for the man, not only as a fellow hell-raiser but also as the kind of genuinely refreshing character who can light up a television screen through the sheer force of their personality. The opening montage of clips and tributes fittingly came thick and fast, at a relentless pace that seemed apt, given the frantic archive footage of Floyd cooking that accompanied them. ‘Frantic’ was his style entirely. Throwing wine into his face as cooked in the most chaotic situations, Floyd deserved all the praise in the show’s opening because he had always seemed undervalued when he was around.
There was sadness in the last half hour of the show, especially towards the end when a noticeably tired and emotional Floyd became the worse for wear whilst taking lunch with Allen and his estranged daughter. Despite Floyd asserting that he was impressed by how sensitively Allen was covering the whole mess, it couldn’t help but feel it was slightly intrustive simply because of the circumstances – which had only come about because of Floyd’s messy diary.
It was no fault of Allen’s, but the sight of Floyd becoming confused, sentimental and upset over the presence of his daughter was quite hard to watch. So we’ll skip talking about that and jump to the real meat on the bones – Floyd’s perceptive, unforgiving take on the industry that came about in the first half, as a few loose words accompanied a few glasses.
Sitting in the home that was due to be repossessed by his ex-wife, discussing life and everything that goes with it, let’s look at some of the choice cuts from the interview.
Warming up, as the interview began.
Allen: There’s nothing to stop us smoking in here throughout the whole show?
Floyd: Absolutely no – if you don’t smoke you can go fucking outside.
A pearl of learned wisdom.
Floyd: Celia’s huband, David, always use to say to me ‘Don’t talk to people after eleven o’ clock at night. Either you or they are too pissed.
On falling out with his Producer before filming Floyd on France.
Floyd: Pritchard and I fell out big time. We’re friends again now – which is good.
Allen: …and what happened?
Floyd: He apologised.
Allen: …for?
Floyd: Being a c*nt.
Allen: That’s pretty big of him.
Floyd: Huge! I so respect that.
Discussing his TV style.
Allen: What you did was develop this naturalness. It was so natural that… it cuts through the bullshit, and television is so full of bullshit.
Floyd: [suddenly enthusiastic] Oh! Television’s CRAP!
On his stint in the forces.
Floyd: It was decided that I and the British Army were incompatible.
On trying for a first cooking job at the Royal Hotel.
Floyd: I went to the Royal Hotel in Bristol and the Chef said to me
‘You come in here… wanting to cook – who the fuck do you think you are?’ and I just said
‘I just want to cook, please’.
He gave me, as I now realise, a last ditch chance. He said
‘What is the difference between a waiter and a bucket of shit?’
[pause]
‘Chef, I think it’s the bucket’
Despite the dolorous look in Floyd’s eyes toward the end of the show – snapping at Allen and receding into his own mind – there were plenty of great moments early on to remind you that this hilarious, sozzled, messy man was probably the best chef on TV (as opposed to TV Chef) we’ve ever had.
Sharp as a tack, never backward in coming forward and admirably frank, if I were still a drinking man, I’d get legless whilst cooking the dinner tonight as a tribute to the great man.
RIP Keith Floyd.
Cheers!
*end of football comment*
65 Comments
Keith and Patrick Swayze, what a day this is turning out to be.
And the jockey fella from Hi-De-Hi, Emsbabee. Let’s not let him be forgotten in the wave of public grief over the deaths of a drunkard and a shit American actor.
I’ve already had a minute’s silence for him.
A minute? Is that all? One stinking minute for a man of the calibre of what’s-’is-face off of Hi-De-Hi?
It’s more than Floyd or Swayze got, all I could afford them was a brief sigh.
I’m holding onto my grief until Paul Shane kicks the bucket.
Swayze dead as well!? Christ on a bike its an Al Qaeda attack!
Personally, I reckon Swayze, Floyd and the jockey from Hi-De-Hi were murdered by the M People. All three were about to record a version of Movin’ On Up and Heather Small wasn’t happy about it.
All three M People were potential murderers.
Apart from Shovels.
Hmmm …
I’m beginning to think The Lighthouse Family were invloved in their deaths as well …
*looks slantendicular at The Lighthouse Family*
Have you noticed that you never saw Swayze, Floyd and the jockey from Hi-De-Hi in the same room? And they’re all suddenly dead on the same day? Just saying, like.
Really? apart from their inane pop, what weapons could they possibly have?
aargh, now i have oceans drive in my hea…
*dies*
I’d like to see M People and the Lighthouse Family contracted to carry out the same murder – without either knowing that the other had been engaged. It’s the only way we’ll ever find out which is the deadlier outfit.
Crumbs, Nappers, we were thinking about the Lighthouse Family at the exact same time. Spoooooky.
Actually, Shovel was involved, but only in burying the bodies.
I thang hew.
Mel – M People usually use AK47’s, as favoured by their 70s mentors Pilot.
I was referring to the lighthouse family, pilch.
People are now saying that Jeff Goldblum is dead too. But that could just be a bit of mischief-making… Remember, there was all that nonsense about Michael Jackson dying recently, and he’s never looked better.
Ah, I loved Keith Floyd. And Nappers, I reckon you look like him a bit. You just need to work on the act – bumbling around in a bowtie, spilling red wine everywhere and swearing at everybody who gets in your way. Maybe not that hard, eh? Ha, ha! Eh?
Oh.
Sorry, Mel. According to my notes, no one has ever managed to prove that the Lighthouse Family have access to hand weapons. There are, however, concerns about their uranium enrichment programme.
Pilchard – Your thinking The Lighthouse Family was involved at the same time I was thinking The Lighthouse Family was involved has confirmed this conspiracy in my eyes. Coincidence?
I DON’T THINK SO.
I have killed myself because i remembered their stupid music, pilch. It is like taking the cool aid
And it wouldn’t surprise me to discover Ocean Colour Scene were the ’smoking gun’ in all this, by the bloody way.’
I wonder if it would have affected the final edit if they knew he’d died before Keith meets Keith aired? I found the last half hour very hard to watch. In fact I wished I hadn’t seen it as that will be my abiding memory of him now. Bitter and a bit mental.
Also, someone ought to ask where exactly Kula Shaker were at the time these celebrities “went down”. But they’ll have an alibi… They always ruddy do.
Clarry, maybe bitter, not necessarily mental, definitely hungover/pissed.
This’ll cheer us up!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmTC8Rh2bM4
I have a long standing theory that The Fresh Prince is behind all those Rapper’s deaths. This is why you never see Jazzy Jeff anymore. This is the core plot of my new detective show ‘Ice T Investigates’. Anyone want to help write Lil’ Kim’s dialogue with me?
That is great swines. Except the fact that the mysterious girl’s bikini top and bottom are from 2 different sets.
Phats and Small no doubt masterminded the whole thing
Oh and pilch, what on earth would Kula shaker use as their weapon of choice? My bet is with limply flailing wrists
I think you do them a disservice Mel, they’d come at you wielding razor sharp Khandas
*not convinced face*
You wouldn’t say that if you’d seen some of the things I’ve seen, Mel. You don’t want to believe all that stuff Barbara Windsor comes out with – about Crispian Mills being “just a lovely boy”.
It makes our work all the harder.
Lunch: a slice of ham and two pieces of chocolate.
Thanks for that Swines, I needed a little tonic to lift me up post loss.
That guy rubbing himself made me do a bit of sick in my mouth. I thought the fella with the big hair’s bogling was out of sight though.
Lunch: vegetable soup and two slices of toast, cup of coffee and weird Polish chocolate.
Poor show.
Ha almost got all my material for my new podcast. Quite possibly it will be the best podcast in podcast history. Also it may have the longest preamble in the history of the universe.
Yes Clarry – the afro dude was by far the COOLEST.
James, you need to learn how to edit/censor/shut up Nappers.
haha, no it was great. I can edit it if I want although I am not entirely sure that I would like to at the moment. I do have a new intro for the cubicle that I had to erm borrow. I’ll send it to you as soon as I edit it.
I’m having bacon sandwiches, me.
James – The missus has a company phone call conference thingie this afternoon. We can finish off after that as long as it doesn’t take too long.
hey Nappers, are you still getting called by the French in your new gaff?
Napoleon.
I have to head out for a bit, I am not even sure as to when I will be back home today. I have to go and gas up the van, go grocery shopping, head out to the indian reserve for smokes, do laundry, cook supper. I forgot this day is going to jam packed with stuff. I am just on for a quick second to do much of nothing, how about tomorrow? It’s basically just a goodbye that I need so we will need 20 mins
OK, James. I’ll be in touch after I’ve finished recording with that rat Swineshead.
Mel – Sadly, no. I have a new number as yet unkown to the friends and clients of the alluring Madame Ju-Ju.
We’re not recording today are we? Just prepping?
Or have you forgotten your own plan, old man?
No, Swineshead. James was on about doing something tomorrow … WHEN WE’RE FUCKING RECORDING.
*fumes*
well, that must be a relief NC. Quelle mauvais temps!
Thanks Napoleon, Im gonna email you the begining though so you have it, I’ll send it to you too SH.
I have mixed feelings, Mel. As a dyed-in-the-wool xenophobe, I’m naturally delighted to not have to speak to that pack of garlic-munching cowards. On the other hand, it was an opportunity to work on my French – a useful skill to have when our country finally loses patience and invades that nest of vipers.
I have a couple of ideas for WWMs jingles. If I record them tonight is it worth me emailing them to you for tomorrows recording or is it not?
YES! Yes, Nick. Please do.
What is it about boys and ideas. I have no ideas about anything, I have the worst imagination ever.
I have no ideas about question marks either .
I have an ultamate idea, we should all do one massive podcast recording. Nick, SH, Napoleon, Piqued, and Myself. It would be epic. Maybe we could win over Greg Hart *Fuck you Greg Hart* Oops sorry about that.
Well I am outta here for the day, see all you WWMers tomorrow.
Cheers,
I had a wonderful calzone from Alngelos in Twickenham. You know it?
Don’t do it! He traps you in a podcast that goes on forever! I was thirty four when I started recording with that man …
NOW I’M IN A NURSING HOME.
And we’re back in the room.
James interviewed me and had to put it over two podcasts! I didn’t even start talking about my autobiography….
I’d just like to point out that I, Cat Stevens, had nothing to do with the deaths of either Patrick Swayze, Pink Floyd or him off of Hi-De-Hi.
http://www.googlefight.com/index.php?lang=en_GB&word1=swineshead&word2=napoleon
http://www.googlefight.com/index.php?lang=en_GB&word1=sid+little&word2=eddie+large
Screengrab thieves!
http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/last-nights-television–design-for-life-bbc2-keith-meets-keith-channel-4-home-time-bbc2-1787310.html
My balls ache.
That is true actually Napoleon is still stuck in my computer. This Podcast is going to be awesomes. We trash Macs and everything.
*Bashes Mac into tiny pieces*
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