If you’re nervous about your forthcoming panel show appearance, then worry no longer! Our crack team of hardcore WWM scientists has been using science to scientifically evaluate the science behind the creation of a fantastic panel show gag.
It’s true to say that any successful panel show gag is not only a snazzy collection of carefully selected words, but is also a potent cocktail relying on varying elements including a rapier wit, a likable delivery and, as in the case of Andy Parsons, a completely absurd voice. But subtract these variables and we’re still left with one common denominator – and as any comedian or vaguely amusing semi-celeb will tell you, this base essence is: The Punchline.
Science has also shown us, following extensive trials, that if you choose a punchline so current, so ‘zeitgeisty’ or happening (as we used to call it) that it reminds the listener of something they read earlier that day, then the human brain undergoes an interesting change. If the concept within the punchline has dominated newspaper headlines for any period of time, then the mind will actually erase the feed that preceded the finale. That is to say, the lead up to the punchline is actually wiped and the simple, standalone punchline, despite this complete amnesia regarding the build, will cause outright hilarity regardless. That’s right. Any reference to a current figure or event that is known to cause world-weariness means guaranteed success for the gag-merchant.
It’s an inexplicable phenomenon.
Let’s take a look at some of the most bankable punchlines currently available to TV’s favourite jesters.
Knife Crime
It may not happen near their houses or to anyone they’ve ever met or to anyone who’s met anyone they’ve ever met, but still knife-crime is guaranteed a chuckle for today’s stand up comedian or panel show guest. Kids stab other kids, y’see?
All the time!
It’s well funny.
The Daily Mail
As an institution that has now sunk completely into the depths of self-parody, a comedian no longer has to even broach the content within the rag and can simply blurt out the words ‘The Daily Mail’ and be guaranteed a standing ovation. The Daily Mail is now THE premier go-to source for instant mockery and has dominated the top spot since President Bush left the Whitehouse.
Gordon Brown
Since the 80s, when alternative comedy was still a mewling, writhing infant, all bald and unprepared, any Prime Minister perceived to be failing has been a perfect target for jocularity. Thatcher’s propensity for class-based antics, John Major’s easy mimicking based on the strength of his comedy voice and Tony Blair’s cheesy grin and ability to hoodwink were all mercilessly satirised – and now Gordon makes it easy with his complete inability to smile. Or, in fact, act normally in front of a camera under any circumstances.
The Jeremy Kyle / Trisha Show
ITV1 has made the 9am – 11am slot their own, using it as a portal for displaying the goings on in the lives of a poverty-stricken, benefits-reliant and tracksuit-sporting underclass the kinds of people who watch panel shows find abhorrent. Conditioned on foodie and property shows, the sight of a tatty velour sweatsuit is enough to make your panel show audience hold its nose in disgust – so it’s no wonder that even the mention of it can cause death through laughter in a panel show’s viewership.
…on crack!
Lee and Herring pointed out that, in the 90s, journalists would routinely use the suffix ‘on acid’ to enhance a comparison – which resulted in an amusing sketch in which Norman Wisdom was dosed with lysergic to see if he’d act anything like Lee Evans. Times have changed, and LSD’s not as prevalent as it was, back in the day. The drug du jour is quite clearly crack cocaine – so expect your favourite panel show guest to make reference to this dangerous, life-destroying drug for comic effect at any opportunity – resulting in gales of guffaws!
So there you go! If you’ve an appointment at the Beeb or Channel 4, make sure you swot up on the above – the five key elements that make up the periodic comedy table at the end of this decade we reluctantly refer to as ‘the noughties’. I’m sure there are more, and no doubt our commenting experts will come up with a few to help refine your expertise ahead of that date with an elongated desk and a sardonic host. G’night!
58 Comments
Luckily for today’s struggling panel show comics, the Tories’ll be back in power next year. Frankie Boyle must be rubbing his hands in glee at the prospect of putting a modern spin on all those Nazi / evil / aristocrat jokes Alexei Sayle and Ben Elton did to death in the 1980s.
Crack is my comedy drug of choice, simply because it’s the only one I feel confident that I can claim to be on in a quip without some people I know being distracted by wondering if I am actually on it.
*Monty Python Life Of Brian blasphemer voice* Katona! Katona! Katona!
Katona jokes will be considered “funny” until the exact moment she tops herself and then resume funniness 36 minutes afterwards. ‘Specially those ones that point out, ha ha, she’s fat and ugly! *foams with feminist rage*
Blast – I completely forgot to mention Katona…. bloody good point JRME
This man is coming to your house.
http://therhonddarover.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/old-ahav.jpg
Found him while googling Trisha…
I don’t want that man to come to my house.
Here! This sexy lezza teacher wot’s got sent down for having a steamy lesbian affair with one of her pupils is … hold on … just popping off to the toilet …
*times passes*
Now then. If I’d been fifteen and an attractive blonde teacher wanted to give me extra tuition, I reckon I’d have been old enough to make up my mind about shagging her, and believe strongly that I wouldn’t have been manipulated into doing so. Indeed, even if I had been manipulated, I wouldn’t have minded, quite frankly.
But then your parents might mention compensation (or at least a tabloid double-spread), and that PS3 would suddenly be within grabbing distance…
Prefacing “Quite Literally” before a punchline.
So very very funny.
Morning all.
Nearly finished the Canadians podcast.
Good grief James…
My parents aren’t the sort to go for a no win no fee deal. They’d have just told me I was a dirty sod, then brushed the whole incident under the carpet.
I always watch Mock the Week but recently have sat through whole episodes without laughing once.
It seems to be getting lazy and complacent – Russell makes a joke about being a five year old, Andy rehashes old jokes he’s told before, Hugh mentions Ocean Finance to huge gales of laughter, Frankie goes a bit, ooer, close to the edge – something sweary generally about Kerry Katona’s flaps, and the other guests rarely get much of a look in.
I’ll probably keep watching in the hope it improves – there’s a lack of decent topical comedy on TV, but I feel Have I got News for you smacks it into satirical submission every time.
They should get Cannon & Ball on Mock The Week. There’s this thing he does where he twangs his braces and he says:
“Rock on, Tommy!”
He says it to his comedy partner, Tommy Cannon.
They’re on the christian circuit now Naps…
Buzzcocks hosted by Cordon! I wish someone had made it up!!
No way. Are you serious Nick?
Cannon & Ball on the Christian circuit? I hope he’s not abandoned that whole braces and Rock On Tommy thing.
http://www.bobbyball.moonfruit.com/#/about-me/4510999307
From Wikepedia
The pair are devout Christians and have published a book called Christianity for Beginners. Bobby Ball became a born-again Christian in 1986 and Tommy Cannon in 1992, their conversion having a lot to do with the re-kindling of their broken friendship. They now regularly feature in their own gospel and “an audience with…” show in churches around the country.
Rock on!
yay! i’m back. i’ve missed you guys. have you missed me? totally jetlagged now, but am gunna catch up on all the ramblings over the last two weeks in bed tonight. xxx
oh, and a very good post there, swines. most funny indeed.
i’ve noticed that wassisname scottish bloke off mock the week always has go-to punchlines and it’s starting to annoy me. plus andy parsnos’ delivery is awful. like a dalek. on crack.
Badger – Been somewhere nice?
I always got Cannon and Ball mixed up with Little and Large. Was it Little and Large who fell out before Large was in a road rage incident and also had a heart transplant. Or am I talking rubbish?
I’ve not a TV at the mo so I… hang on, I’m an uncle again, bear with
Jamie – Are you sure that wasn’t Russ Abbot and Les Dennis?
Wasn’t that Dustin Gee, not Les Dennis?
Anyway, She’s called Ellie (oh well) 7 lbs 2 oz and she’s hung like a horse
Piqued – No. Dustin Gee was Les Dennis’s comedy partner, then Gee died and Les went on to be a regular on Russ Abbot’s show.
Couldn’t care less about the baby.
No, was definitely Eddie. Found a source to back up my mad theory
http://archives.tcm.ie/breakingnews/2003/06/18/story103091.asp
I had no idea Little ‘n’ Large had fallen out.
Badger Madge – quite agree re: Parsons. He is the living embodiment of that Stewart Lee routine about comedians on Radio 4 starting at the bottom and then raising in pitch – going along in a stupid high voice – and then falling in pitch for the punchline. Also, he thinks that he should get a laugh purely for the way he walks to the mic, which he used to, and now he doesn’t, and it makes me sad to look at his face during the deafening silence.
Fact: that Stewart Lee routine is bloody hard to get across in subtitles. I had to do it for his DVD.
That’s my (new) bloody neice you couldn’t care less about… you heartless wench
Les Dennis is a funny shade of blue, I’ve noticed.
I heard a good Stewart Lee story that you’ve probably all heard before. Christian comes to his door …
Christian: The answer is ‘Jesus’, what is the question?
Stewart Lee: Erm … ‘For what role did Robert Powell win the Best Actor BAFTA in 1980?’
First person to point out Piqued has spelt niece wrongly is a heartless bastard.
That’s my (new) bloody neice you couldn’t care less about… you heartless wench
There’s literally one born every minute, Piqued. Nothing interesting about yet another sprogette the likes of muggins ‘ere has to fork out for a fucking child trust fund for. I’d have been more impressed had your sister got in the Guiness Book Of Records for letting out the world’s loudest fart.
I don’t know about the fart NC but she’s certainly in the running for the worlds biggest tits, each one is like Brian Glover’s head.
Sorry about my appalling spelling. I’m a nervous wreck.
“Heartless wench?”
Am I missing something? Or is Napoleon?
So, the cheeky fucks at Scottish Power send me this email:
“It is time for you to give us your meter reading.”
No it isn’t, it’s time for you to pay me back the £237 of mine you have had sitting in my account for the last 9 months. Cunts.
Didn’t piqued invent the suffix ‘on acid’? Or was it something else he invented.
I remember it causing an argument.
Fourstar – EDF is worstest. They sent me an estimated bill for £648. I sent them in my meter reading, and my adjusted bill came back as £230. If I’d been old, I’d have got all confused over that first bill and paid the bastards £648. And then I’d have frozen to death over the winter.
Bad luck fourstar. Here’s something to try: have another look at the email from Scottish Power, and imagine Andy Parsons reading it out to you. Does that make it any easier to deal with?
British Gas are the worst of the lot, I signed up for online billing only to have my online account cancelled a month later. I asked why, and was given no explanation. I tried to sign up again, only to be told that my email address had already been used and was associated with an account. That has been cancelled.
FawnDoo: Actually I prefer to imagine Joanna Lumley reading it. Mmmmmffwwwwgghhhh.
Get the person from the M&S Adverts: “This is not just a reminder. This is a final reminder, with red print, and a threat of legal action.”
Hats off to Sky, mind. I gave ‘em my direct debit details, they haven’t set up a direct debit and yet there’s my £17.50 payment credited to my account on my online bill. No idea where they got that from.
O2 are really good, haven’t had any issues with them since switching from Orange. Bet you’ll all sleep soundly in your beds tonight knowing that.
Rozszszszs, it was ‘polishing a turd’ at school when 14. Aaah, I even recall the reaction when I said it, and Noel Coward at the back scribbled it down.
Pilchard, it was my homage to John Hughes.
I first heard ‘polishing a turd’ in 1982. In Yorkshire. From my father, who used the term all his life.
You fucking liar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiJ9fy1qSFI
I was 14 in 1982
“I was 14 in 1982″
You old bastard. I was 11.
By the wayside, I’ve just been to Homebase to buy a tin of white paint. Could I find any? Could I fuck, but I managed to buy a tin of ‘contemporary’ (which is white)
Hey, I’m young at heart tho…
*keels over*
How old were you in the ’50s, Piqued? The ’50s when my father was using the ancient phrase ‘polishing a turd’?
You should have gone to Wickes’s, Piqued. They do big tubs of white trade paint.
Fucking hell. They’re making a film of The A Team. What next? Manimal? I’ll be glad when this obsession with digging up every turd from the ’80s dries up.
They (DIY shops) usually have a white paint section.
(was 18 in 1982)
Were you in the 50’s though, NC? I’m only fussed about your experience rather than some projected one for the sake of convenience, unless of course when you did hear the phrase in 1982 uttered by your father he included the caveat ‘…phrase I’ve been using since the 1950’s, that.’
I only needed a small tub which is probably why I have to put up with ‘contemporary’ instead of white, ‘from that which sustains thou’ for green and ‘the power of christ compels you’ for black.
A Joke
Q. What was the name of that 60’s band? They were a little bit shit.
A. The Small Faeces.
Nappers – Boston, Noo Yawak, Montreal and Toronto – check out the photos on FB
PS – I lurve Stewart Lee xx
Don’t forget Paul Merton’s staple : saying “Is that an old Country/blues song” when someone says something incongruent. He has no shame using it on either room 101 or Have i Got News For You. I’ve got your number Mert!
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