My Bare Lady is a recipe for Reality TV genius! The winning formula is based on four adult film stars travelling to London to perform in a West End rendition of Romeo and Juliet after only a month of training at an upscale theatre academy.
Yes!
Yes, it actually happened!
This show lead me to believe for a short period of time that I’d had a stroke or some blunt-force trauma to the head that I wasn’t aware of, somehow. Why did this happen? I managed to get through three entire episodes… I committed three complete hours of my short lifespan to a program called My Bare Lady.
Before you hastily click away from this clearly ludicrous piece, let me explain. Unlike most reality television characters, these women weren’t acting. Most of the delightful personalities we’re exposed to are blatantly hamming it up. Regla número uno for Reality TV is ‘BORING’! The more insane/violent/psychotic/random you are, the longer you’ll get to stay in front of the camera.
These “actresses” don’t know how to act. That’s real stupidity we’re seeing. Those daddy issues? Straight from the heart.
To round out the main cast they’ve thrown in Christopher “I-ate-the-last-danish” Biggins, a ’successful English stage Director’, to keep the girls focused. Portly Biggins (how much do we love his last name) is tasked with arranging acting, dance and speech lessons for the often scantily-clad foursome
…(hehe! ‘Foursome’!)
The narrator for the show is an interesting choice. He sounds as though he’s just wrapped up a day of VOs for a National Geographic documentary. His gift to himself after a long day of discussing the migratory habits of loggerhead turtles is to use the word “climax” as many times as possible.
Some of the harlots… er… starlets weren’t actually that terrible. I guess years of faking it paid off. In fact, stage lights are probably nothing compared to a shot in the face. Biggins’ constant reassurance probably helped too.
Happy Ending? Despite their month of lessons and the ladies really working hard on their reading, watching My Bare Lady still made me want to either drink poison or stab myself.
*end of football comment*
60 Comments
Prostitutes in Romeo & Juliet, eh? I’d watch that.
*cups hand to ear and listens out for 4**
Why has the one in the pink top tied herself to Big Ben? Clearly, sexual practices have moved on since I was last “on the scene”.
T girl second from right looks too normal to be an adult film star.
*The
Clarry – You’ve clearly not watched vast quantities of p0rn. There’s hundreds of ‘normal-looking’ women in blue movies. They’re usually to be found in ‘amateur’, ‘housewife’ and ‘grotesque physical freak fetish’ films.
P.S I thought that it was Natalie/Nicole (whichever) Appleton and not Kate Walsh in that Live from Studio 5 promo pic.
I’ve just eaten a really dodgy pork pie.
Sorry Nap – i’ve shown myself up there. I thought they all looked like the one of the left. That’s how I imagine them all to look.
Don’t fancy the sound of the amateur/housewife. Bet they are god-awful.
Fancy the sound – seriously need to read what I write BEFORE I post.
I’ve been playing Worms on my pink DS in the staffroom.
Rumours are bound to spread…
I wonder is SH has finished tweeking my piece?
Euphemism of the day?
Nick – by the end of the day Chinese whispers will result in ‘Nick has worms’.
Have you got worms Nick?
Clarry – They look like all sorts of women. Some of them look like ‘real women’ (i.e. fat women), some look like those artificial women ‘real women’ accuse of not being ‘real’ (presumably they’re made from motorized parts and artificial skin, like Terminators), some are staggeringly beautiful, some are butt-ugly, etc. etc. The grumble industry’s a broad church.
Phwoar-star here! (that OK, Clarry?)
I think the one on the right might be Nautica Thorn (unless by ‘adult film stars’ they mean ‘housewife from Bracknell who once lifted her skirt for her husband armed with a Nokia 6300 and YouTube’)
Not just Worms but Worms Open Warfare 2 ™
I meant bum worms Nick.
Nap – that’s good to know. You seem to have conducted lots of in depth research on pron. Was it when you worked in that shop?
Phwoar* – I knew it!
Clarry – Working in that shop helped, yes. I have also carried on my research into the subject after leaving the shop. Ahem.
Nick – That Worms game’s SHIT. Get y’self a copy of Chinatown Wars.
Heh, I was right: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Bare_Lady#Cast
I can see you’re committed to the cause Nap. You should be commended for your services to pron.
4* – I can’t believe you know the ‘actress’ by name AND her back story.
*faints*
Not just her back, Clarry.
That game is great because I’m great at it.
Now I’ve worked out how to play it online against lesser mortals around the globe, I’m realising how great it is.
I’m sure 4*…
Clarry – You can’t believe a man who watches dirty movies knows the name of a person who stars in dirty movies? In a similar vein, are you staggered to discover someone knows Mel Gibson’s name after they’ve watched Mad Max and Air America?
You should all really go and mark this up.
http://www.theblogpaper.co.uk/article/culture/23sep09/panel-show-punchlines
(please)
FIVE STARS
How SH?
*pokes*
At the bottom – rating…
I think you have to join first SH, no?
You do have to join. I dunnit. 5 of my precious stars.
I know what you mean Nap, but as a non-pron watcher I thought that a) there’d be loads of them b) they might not be that well known c) one might not be looking at the actress’ face d) one might not go to the bother of looking into her biography.
Is Ms Thorne THAT well known?
I am awaiting my login activation email.
Until then, zero stars from me.
*still waiting to be tweeked*
How do you join Pilch?
2 ratings – 3 star average. If you gave it 5 Pilch, who else voted and what was their score?!
Clarry: the young lady’s face is on screen rather a lot, if you think about it.
Having read her biog I see she ’specialised’ in the old bjs and girl on girl in the early days.
Clarry – click on “register” at the top right. Fill in the form, they’ll send you a password.
Don’t know how they get 3.7. It must be Derren Brown’s “deep maths”.
Palava?
Waiting for my password……
Nick… it’s not like you’ve given me any money or anything. Shush.
Still waiting. Not sure why I can’t just choose my own password, it’s not the Pentagon
*sucks boiled sweet*
Ok…
I wonder if in the My Bare Lady thing we’ll see any of their bottoms
Right, we’re in! And……1 star.
No idea piqued – what channel is this on?
I don’t know Fourstar.
Four? I don’t have a TV
Hmmm, bound to be on Mininova *makes mental note*
Fox Reality = no bots.
fourstar – you’re a bastard.
BASTARD!
I am? Pourquoi?
Actually, I do have a TV, a tiny one that can’t get a signal. I’m subject to i-player and the on demand thing which means I’m watching things (when I’ve a few mins to spare) I’d normally miss. I wholly recommend that new Jonathan Meades series on BBC4, it’s quite briliant so it is.
Right, I’m off again to do my solicitors bidding
Doned.
Piqued, I watched the first of the Jonathan Meades thing where he completely failed to talk coherently or interestingly about the architecture of Aberdeen. He failed to identify most of the buildings that were featured, indulged in a couple of mispronunciations and went ON AND ON AND ON about corned beef. Apart from laying into Donald Trump at the end, where he admittedly used some choice invective, he was very limp and disorganised.
Pilchard, why should he talk about just the architecture? He a purveyor of ‘otherness’
Intersting bloke, here’s a cheap bio http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Meades
sorry ‘interesting’
back to hell
That Jonathan Meades thing was shit.
Did everyone die or something?
No, I was watching Nautica. She gives me the Thorn.
You can come out now Clarry, I’ve finished.
*thinks*
No, no, what I mean is…
Where’s Dave??
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