Dark Beige can usually be found here, being mean about someone or other.
It’s been a while since I’ve written about the goings on up Chester way and life has been ticking along there as ever – fake gangsters after money, old friends betraying each other, a bully getting murdered and lots and lots of duplicity, deceit and fighting. All this on Hollyoaks, supposedly the lighter, most youth-skewing soap on British TV.
So what happens when Hollyoaks spins off for a week of (gulp!) post-watershed episodes on E4? How dark and lewd will things get? Hollyoaks has previous in this area and it first went spinning off into late nights in the late 90s, with ‘heavy underwear petting’, the random shout of ’shit!’ or ‘bollocks!’ and perhaps, most memorably, an in-shadow silhouette of an erection (Ben the fireman’s, fact fans) to justify the later slot. There was even a whole series, Hollyoaks in the City, which plumbed new depths of pointless titillation as telegenic (in a Next catalogue kind of way) on-screen couple Lisa and Ben played by busty Gemma Atkinson and blandsome Marcus Patric moved to Liverpool and became embroiled with plastic gangsters, strip clubs, prostitution and more.
And now here we are for the latest round of late night shenanigans, with four separate stories, all involving regular characters, all interacting to some degree with what’s going on elsewhere in the teatime edition of the soap, playing out this week over five nights. Having read the obligatory spoilers that litter the internet, it’s clear that one story is going to be more dramatic than the others but, at this stage, which one isn’t totally clear. Three out of four involve ‘exotic’ trips elsewhere, whilst the fourth sees the arrival of a new visitor.
Here’s what’s going on. Remember that this review was written as the week’s fun began:
The Camping Trip – Steph, her boring Spanish / Italian (don’t know) bloke, on/off lesbian mates Zoe and Sarah and lovestruck drip, Gilly are off on some weird outward bound camping / skydiving etc trip, led by a guy who looks like Mike from Spaced with a beard. But then Sarah’s increasingly mental girlfriend Lydia turns up to jealously crash the fun and freak everyone out. It’s not giving too much away to say that this one clearly won’t end well. Look at Lydia – she’s got short hair, she’s a lesbian – she’s clearly a killer. Wake up everyone, before it’s too late!
London – These scenes actually work quite well, with jail-bait tart-with-a-heart Theresa and her mad cousin Michaela off to that London to see if Theresa can make it as a model. London looks grey, grimy and cold – like London actually looks. And with so much stress laid on with the fear of exploitation, you feel that they’ll have to end up going for something else bad happening. Surely? With thick sisters Carmel and Jackie (who was dressed as a prostitute with thigh skimming leather boots just to walk around the village in the daytime) headed to London to save them from all sorts of perceived dangers, I expect this one to end in comedy, after a few close escapes.
The Festival – Who goes to a festival in late September? Rhys, his Harry Potter looking little brother and Hannah, that’s who. And if these scenes don’t prove that dramas set in festivals never work, nothing ever will. This is where someone’s obviously said “can we go a bit Skins?” and the results are awkward to say the least, with lovable dimwit Rhys totally out of place with the slight drug references (we’re post watershed remember), Abercrombie and Fitch photoshoot look and a deep sense of foreboding. Posh kids Jamie, Kev and Imogen are all well-spoken and devilishly good-looking, so clearly this lot are evil. I don’t know why, but I kept thinking about the start of shit-Britflick Donkey Punch as the sense of mild foreboding grew. Someone getting killed with a motor boat engine or dying during sex would actually be pretty good, but next minute you remember you’re in Hollyoaks and you realise it will all be fine. Still, this bizarre storyline set in the world’s least likely, coldest looking festival has got me intrigued.
The Wedding Guest – Darren and Cindy’s planned stitch up of Tony continues and, so far, nothing much has happened except Savannah (Mandy from EastEnders) has turned up as Cindy’s tarty mate from Spain, with massive fake boobs that Darren has already copped a feel of (we’re post-watershed, remember?). This storyline could end up with tart-with-a-heart (of pure evil) Savannah copping of with Darren and ruining everything, I suspect.
This stuff is on all week and ANYTHING could happen.
Ok, SOMETHING could happen.
Either way, it should be good for a few escapist nonsense laughs.
*end of football comment*
38 Comments
The upside of these storylines is that none of them involve the whinging goth children who constantly break into school of an evening so they can sit in the sixth-form common room and complain at each other.
Now they’ve done their GCSEs, shouldn’t they be trying to get served in pubs in Chester? The next late-night spacial should be Newt trying to grow a bum-fluff moustache in order to get them in at a Wetherspoons. The dilemma: Lauren has had one too many WKDs and has been sick on Newt’s shoes. Will this provoke the return of ELI, his bland schizphrenic alter-ego? Or will him simply shove Lauren in a cab, get a kebab and stagger around Chester singing loudly?
Bloody kids.
Late night Hollyoaks = An 1980’s Kays catalogue underwear shoot.
ALso you don’t get any celebrity walk on cameos in Hollyoaks do you? Not like you do in The Street or Eastenders.
Can anyone name the last famous Hollyoaks cameo?
ps The only good thing to come out of Hollyoaks in the blond girl with the conk who is on Strictly at the moment. Nice.
*wonders what she will get if she googles ‘blonde girl with the conk’*
*sticks to wondering, out of fear*
Two words, Squirtle…
Hannah. Tointon.
Mffffwghhghglnmmmmmmbbbgghhhmmmm.
i saw the blonde girl with the conk’s “very well toned through intense dance” arse in leggings the other day and i’m sorry if i’m being creepy, but it was GOOD
Actually this all sounds really good. I might have to record it for future accidental deletion by my children.
“Late night Hollyoaks = An 1980’s Kays catalogue underwear shoot.”
If I didn’t need a reason before…
4* – I think this referred to men standing around in y fronts, stiffly posed and staring off into the middle distance!
why dont some of you chaps write a review of waking the dead. this latest series is just about the only really good british made drama on at the moment. excellent writing/performances all round.
Mingles – That’s bollocks. The other week in Holby they had a fella wot thought he was in the middle of Dante’s Inferno. AND Jesus is in it. And Patrick Kensitt, off of the ’80s.
And, by Christ, would I give Connie one. Mind you, like a Mantis, she’d have me once I’d had my wicked way with her. That bitch.
“men standing around in y fronts, stiffly posed”
I’ll go blind!!!
erm, yes I could have chosen my words better there.
Disclaimer: Mel is not now, nor has ever been responsible in whole or in part for the bringing on of any kind of visual impairment
Erm, actually i think that is not a good thing to say either…
your weird predeliction for Holby city has always eluded me Napoleon. But I suppose like finding out dennis neilson never missed an episode of coronation street, it has a certain charming quaintness to it.
I suppose this is the real unspoken reason men get girlfriends rather than spending a lifetime of joyous wanking in the dark – so we can watch that sort of shite and pretend its under protest. it is a strategy of sorts I guess.
re: conmnie from holby – yes, yes and three times, yes. she’s the uber milf
Mingles, i think there are many fringe benefits to said strategy, no?
My BF openly watches utter shite. He has no need to blame it on me
fiona, are you the artist previously known as Mel? if so, sorry for not saying hello earlier. Im not up to date on everyones latest nondeplume.
but yes, we men do enjoy some of that shite. but often pretend its our girlfriends idea. thats certainly my current ploy with the hideous social embarassment that is x factor.
re: Ali Bastion
I am glad I am not the only one who appreciates her pretty girl next door with a big conk image, even though she is just slightly toooo attactive to be interested in men like me.
I think my wife fancies her as well.
*I just need a quiet 10 minutes to myself to contemplate that last thought.*
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00mtqyr/Desert_Island_Discs_Barry_Manilow/
pretty much
Yes, Charlie, I am one and the same (Mel and Fiona), and hello to you too.
And goodbye, I have to pop off tonight.
Have lovely evenings one and all, and watch out for those catalogue models, 4*. Glasses are expensive these days!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOad0FU9zF8
So you’re saying my watching of Holby City singles me out as a potential serial killer, Mingles?
Yes. But not in a bad way.
Interesting Trackback below, SH.
what’s a trackback?
Fair enough.
dont ask questions like that beigey old girl. you never know what can of worms your opening …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSINO6MKtco
Yeah I saw that 4*…Perhaps SH has branched out off the internet?
Pure spam really. Lovely.
can i just say…I’m NOT a girl
sorry guvnur, I thought you mentioned a boyfriend back there somewhere. it was probably the other small blue thing, fiona. my mistake.
don’t worry…there’s nothing wrong with being a girl, or having boyfriends etc, I hasten to add
He is a bit of a girl.
(The shitting anus of a girl)
I’ve farted!
Anyway, I hope you all get diarrhoea. Good night!
BYE!
Everyone’s gone, but Squirtle, Hollyoaks Later has the incredibly low-grade cameo of Bonnie Tyler this week I think. Or maybe it was Bonnie Langford. Or Jason Manford. Or Andie Macdowell.
Or Roddy Macdowell.
Or Trevor Macdonald.
One Trackback
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