I recently had the opportunity to spend a lot of time on Youtube, mainly because I hadn’t a telly. Nor had I yet discovered the delights of tvguide.co.uk. Just a tip there, ladies and gentlemen, for licence-fee-free viewing.
Having exhausted the current crop of America’s NTM episodes, I found myself searching for my home country’s version. Little did I know what treasure I’d stumble upon.
Australia’s NTM – hereon in to be known as OzNTM – is a different beast entirely. It has none of that pre-top 13 bullcrap that Tyra insists on which results in an initial two-hour premiere episode consisting mostly of screams and sobs. The top 13 girls on OzNTM are chosen already, by the time the show starts, and their first job is to be papped and unwittingly walk through a room of demi-celebrities – which includes the judges.
The judges being:
- Alex Perry – designer known nowhere but Oz. But known in Oz quite a lot. Bald and bitchy, but only unclearly gay and unfortunately eye-lifted.
- Charlotte Dawson – ‘fashion mentor’ – basically a licenced bitch with a chequered history of bits of fashion writing here and dodgy modeling there.
- Priscilla Leighton Clark – owner and founder of Priscilla’s Model Management, Oz’s premier modelling agency and clearly someone who decided to teach because she couldn’t do.
I’d like you to consider the following phrases and choose one, choose any, that you think might come from the lips of Ms. Banks or her judging cronies:
- ‘this is the one, remember, that you thought looked like Frankenstein’
- ’she’s got a blockhead’
- ‘this is the surfer girl, this is economy class Garuda*’ (*a low cost airline to Bali)
- ’she needs to shake hands with conditioner and make it her friend’
- ‘I think she looks like a wild pig’
- ‘this girl used to be fat’
- ’she looks trashed’
- ’she’s gorgeous but there’s something spazz with her teeth’
- ’she’s having trouble keeping those teeth in her head’
- ‘her eyes are just too slightly close together like she could knife you in the back’
- ‘murderous beauty pageant queen – Jon Benet Ramsey aged 18′
How many?
None.
That’s right. Tyra’s lot wouldn’t dare. This is OzNTM baby. This is real. And these are but a selection of the judge’s comments uttered whilst the Top 13 OzNTM contestants walked past them in varying shades of green fear. On first view. Before a photo shoot, a catwalk, or a judging panel.
Brilliant.
In the first catwalk, held immediately after the above walk-through and in front of yet another crowd, one of the girls said ‘fuck’ as she walked/fell down. She made it through to the next round. The final is a live TV, two-hour event and the winner is chosen by the public out of the final two girls. I have to say without being entirely parochial that the quality of the ladies was pretty good compared to ol’ Banks’s lot – and they’re a hell of a lot more entertaining. The most popular phrases teenage Australian girls seem to use are variations on:
- ‘I was shitting myself’
- ‘I shat myself’
- ‘I was full of shit’… and so on.
Nothing’s changed since my day.
Anyway, it’s Cycle five of OzNTM and I sat in one day and watched the whole bloody lot. I know who wins and I know who comes second. Also, there’s a genuine Bogan in the mix, and there are about a million other awesome comments from judges – all of whom are apparently paid to be horrific to the girls and to each other.
It’s ace.
*end of football comment*
83 Comments
You don’t want a Bogan in the mix, especially if you’re making Chill Cake.
*coat*
“Cycle five” are they all on bikes then?
Fourstar is here all week..
Not any more, nick, I’m off for a pint with someone I met on Twitter. If I’m not back by 3, call my wife.
Does that mean that she’s available now?
Scientists have succeeded in putting Amanda Holden in a jar.
I don’t know about these model types, but It’s heartening to see there are still some REAL sexy ladies in the media…
http://www.holymoly.com/celebrity-news/nolan-sisters-stage-half-naked-men-im-mood-tour36667
Good article, but is there any chance you can edit the word ‘awesome’ out? So far, I think WWM has escaped the ‘a’ word, and I for one think this fine tradition should continue.
i’m fine with that being edited out – you suggest a replacement and we’ll get swineshead to do the dirty work.
She’s Australian though, that makes a difference, surely?
Also, I thought the tone was sort of mock-enthusiastic, so it fitted.
Awesome article, Breeks.
where women glow…
A sad day.
*laments the passing of WWM*
At the going down of the sun …
i should never have returned.
*slinks away*
*slinks back*
Awesome slinking, Breeks.
Hi everybody. I’m Yazz the permanently happy vocalist from the Plastic Population. I just want you all to know that the only way is up.
That is all.
Yazz: haven’t you heard?
Hi Yazz! I didn’t think you were from the Plastic Population. You were always billed as “Yazz and the Plastic Population”, as if the Plastic Population were just tagging along with you. It’s great to see that you’re at last acknowledging your membership of the Plastic Population.
I love the Plastic Population.
Marc Almond and the Soft Cell – now that was a real rock ‘n’ roll band.
I’m back, and before 3. Phew.
Hi Yazz! Surely the nature of physical reality is relative ie the concept of up cannot be comprehended without conceiving of an equal and opposite ‘non-up’ - technically known by physicists I believe as ‘down’.
In other words, in the very mentioning of ‘ up’ there is included the inevitable & inherent existance of ‘down’ Which kind of scuppers your theory.
No wonder you havent had a hit single for twenty years if you dont even have a notional grasp of metaphysical duality. You fool.
Seems obvious now, doesnt it?
charlie-that’s easy for you to say, but surely in a simulated reality, the lack of a ‘hit’ would more effectively be referenced as an anti-hit, meaning the plastic population are the biggest stars the negative zone anti-universe have ever seen!
Was Yazz in the Plastic Population then? I thought she was a solo artiste..
4* – How was your meeting? I don’t know if i’d dare meet a stranger off of the internetz.*
Did you have an escape route planned in case it went wrong?
Hi Breeks, missed you!
Hi Mingles, where’ve you been?
Yazz, I’ve just realised that I confused the Plastic Population (who I hate) with the Plastic People of the Universe (who I love on principle, despite never having heard any of their music). I also confused you with Yoko Ono, of the Plastic Ono band.
I’m always doing this. I used to get the Human League mixed up with the Brotherhood of Man, which was a big problem because I was a backing singer with the latter.
http://www.yazzmusic.co.uk/biography.php
Funny, I was born in Paddington in 1964, my dad was English and so was my dad.
Interesting huh?
I’ll build a whole web page just for that eh?
That’s what they told you, Nick. Both of your dads.
Interceptor, that sounds like meaningless gobbledigooks to me. Youre either a genius or an idiot. I would say the only way is up. baby.
Hi clarry. Ive been in the real world, as they laughingly call it. Hows things?
Did you have a ’sensible’ dad and a ‘cool’ dad played by Gregg Evigan NT?
Should have read *mum. My whole humorous stance has crumbled..
Actually doing some work here….
*skunk eye*
Mingles – I’m A ok thanks. A bit thirsty…
Anyone fancy going to make me a coffee?
I’m an idiot Mingles, which means in the anti-universe…
Jesus! Yazz has gone a bit mental then, eh?
there is no anti-universe you loveable idiot. I bet you’ll never have a hit single either with theories like that.
did anyone watch electric dreams? very enjoyable stuff.
I also had a hit single with Coldcut ‘Doctorin’ the House’ . Did you guys like that too?
but..that means Marc Almond is from THIS dimension? you couldn’t make it up…
Im currently listening to richard herrings new podcast. Im afraid its fucking awful.
CM – think they spoke about that already.
I enjoyed ‘The Force’ last night. I like progs about cops ‘n’ that.
Still not as good as the First 48*
*best prog EVER
did they? wherabouts clarry? I cant be bothered wading through all the comments. its really old-fashioned, awkward and embarassing. shame, because as andrew collings’ side kick he’s quite good fun.
It was fine, Clarry, we’ve Twittered for ages and she didn’t seem like a bunny boiler (from her multitude of 140-character missives to the known universe).
That said, she has just chucked her husband out of the house for travelling to the Czech Republic to get a tattoo without telling her. And she’s studying Estonian politics at UCL.
*thinks that might be quite mad*
I stopped listening to the Herring and Wotsit podcast a while back.
I just didn’t find it or him funny.
NOoooo, I meant they already talked about the ‘Electric Dreams’ thingy, not the Herring podcast.
4* – Yes that’s quite mad. Would Mrs 4* be annoyed at you meeting ladies off of the internet?
SO, anyone watch The Force? It was blummen brilliant.
Is Fourstar having an affair? How exciting.
nick – its not the herrin and collings podcast which is still enjoyable rambling rubbish.
Richard has launched his own new podcast this week, and its like a really lame radio 4 sketch show but even less amusing. lets hope it picks up.
Nick, did you ever look at that link I sent for the miniature guitars? excellent.
I liked Herring’s new podcast.
I did CM , i might have purchased one except
a) They were all electric
2) They didn’t have my fave guitar (Gretch white falcon)
iii) Didn’t come with little cases.
Other than that, marvelous!
Clarry – no.
Pilchard – no.
Anyone else – no.
4* – No to which question?:
a) Ladies
B) The Force
P.S I dinnunt mean that i thought you were having an affair, btw.
Looking at wot I wrote up there reminds me of a thing I hate. Who else hates it when people write in all capital letter but still put dots over their Is in signs and stuff?
iSN’T iT ANNOYiNG?
I tend to write in capital letters with dots over the ‘i’s, Clarry. So you hate me, is that what you’re saying?
It’s the hate I can’t stand …
nick, they do have acoustics as well.
Also, thats just a selection, they might have that one if you ask. the guy is very helpful. I got a couple for my brother as a present and theyre excellent, real attention to detail including volume nobs, wang bar and strings.
I’ll stop boring everyone now.
Swineshead – hang your beaked head in shame sir.
i’M SO SORRY NAP, WiLL YOU FORGiVE ME?
(Do you really?)
I haven’t listened to either Herrin’s and Colling’s podcast, or Herrings’s solo podcast. If Collins did a solo one, I wouldn’t listen to that neither.
I’m not listening to bloody podcasts. Fuck that!
so, anyway, aren’t those OzNTM judges just fantastic? oooer.
i like the jon benet ramsay comment the best.
HI CLARRY!!
*hugs*
Clarry – I do when I’m writing in capitals on a sheet of paper, yes. Never got out of the habit from when I was a boy.
A bit like Swineshead never got out of the habit of picking his bum.
I do not think “awesome” is Australian. Sure, maybe some aussies who have been exposed to too much US TV may use it,like those from the UK who also have been overexposed. I think however many aussies would find the word irksome too.
Try saying “sublime” instead of “awesome”.
Works for Brian Sewell.
No on both counts, Clarry.
a) She woulnd’t mind if I was meeting teh laydeeez, as long as they weren’t mad. Oh.
2) No I didnae see that Force thing
Hi Breeks!
*hugs back*
Our chum is on the Masterchef prog tonight – not a contestant but werks at the restaurant.
The Force was ACES. There’s two more episodes to go, so see it next Tuesday.
oooh v exciting clarry. that makes you famous.
Yeah, nearly!
Having met Mr Greg and Mr John, can you confirm the size of Mr Greg’s bulge? I did a scientific diagram comparing his to that of Terry Wogan, but Photobucket have deleted it off my account.
Pilchard – Are you sure that wasn’t Brian Glover?
Masterchef is for LOSERS!
which bulge, clarry? he has several.
Breeks – The bulge in his pants (from when he was dangling his nuts into hundreds and thousands on Shooting Stars).
DINLT – Masterchef = good
I’m hungry like the wolf!
Eating at a Kerilan eatery in Southampton tonight.
DOSA!
I’m going now.
BY BY everyone xxx
they are all massive, clarry-on. huge. specially the one on his head.
Afore ye all go
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2009/oct/14/starsuckers-tabloids-hoax-celebrities
Looks like fun eh?
Play the vid
thats an excellent article nick.
funnily enough, I read todays Guardian but never even spotted it.
we say awesome a lot. on our mag. for young boys. it’s. awesome.
I see jonathan ross has succesfully managed to avoid reviewing the biggest british film of the past 5 years – simply because its made by his best pal – and is shite.
bit of a conflict of interests there.
Does your magazine contain several shades of awesomeness, Badger? That must be frickin’ awesome.
People born at the arse-end of the ’80s + journalism = overuse of ‘awesome’ = predictable, cardboard writing style. The cure? Branding irons and deportation.
Mingles – What film’s this?
You bald, Scotch, ugly etc.
the invention of lying, that new gervais shite.
Ross interviewed him extensively on the Film 2009 show last week – giving the film maximum publicity, whilst at the same time avoiding actually offering an opinion or review. Im assuming he thought it was shit, otherwise surely he would have reviewed it.
Im taking to myself I know. No one else gives a fuck and theyve all gone anyway.
still ….
I was going to wait to watch (steal) that off of the internet. After the risible Ghost Town, it should be made a criminal offence for Ricky Gervais to charge people to see his films.
True, I watched that thriller in manila by the way. excellent. theyre strange folk boxers …
maybe being punched about the head by a ton of meat for 30 years causes some sort of brian damage. they should look into that. I think I might be on to something here, you know.
The Thriller In Manilla’s excellent. When We Were Kings is another good ‘un if you need an Ali fix.
I think you’ll find sir that it was me that recommended when we were kings in the first place.
its only a theory(BBC4) – thats rubbish too.
what the hell is andy hamilton doing with that talentless twat reg d hunter? He looks like an awkward teenage boy on the set of a noodie movie.
someone obviously employed the sam fox/mick fleetwood school of comedy: one of em is short, white and bald, the other is tall, black and american, those idiots who watch this sort of thing will find that funny.
which is a shame because with a better co-host it might work.
Reg Hunter’s alright as well. Very often the only amusing person a panel show.
Face it, Mingles: Your opinion counts for shit.
I know it counts for shit. thats why I dont write for this highly prestigious site anymore.
But have you seen this show? I cant believe youre saying hunter is any good on this. and he was very arrogant and rude to clare balding on the first episode. not in a funny way, just a rude borrish twat.
After this show – his TV career is over.
I haven’t seen it. What is it? What’re you talking about?
LINK
its only a theory BBC4:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00n59t6/Its_Only_a_Theory_Episode_1/