Oh!
Jitterbug!
Jitterbug!
Jitterbug!
Jitterbug!
If The X Factor failed to put a boom-boom into your heart this week, then you’re probably no fan of Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou – or possibly you are a fan of Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou, you just resent his songs being covered live on the telly by a bunch of youthful pretenders.
Maybe you’re Heathers off EastEnders and you sat clutching your yoghurt pot lid and your baby named in tribute, fuming at the Wham abuse onscreen. Personally, I couldn’t find the energy for any of that during the Saturday show and freely admit I dozed off several times throughout transmission.
If you haven’t already worked it out, this was George Michael / Wham week, and to celebrate Louis Walsh had buffed himself up with a lovely little bow tie, whilst Cheryl appeared to have arrived dressed for a Tekken party, that forced cleavage and hair-pile making her look like she was ready to kick ass, Chun-Li style.
Whilst we’re on the subject of the judge’s personal appearances – take a look at Simon Cowell’s hands, next time you get a chance. Notice how the thick bush of coarse hair suddenly stops at the wrist, with his paws completely hairless poking out of the end of a dense spread of arm-hair. Only one conclusion can be drawn. Simon Cowell shaves his hands.
What kind of man shaves his hands?
But never mind any of that! We were told George was watching at home (no doubt blazing a reefer the size of a zepellin) and had called to wish the contestants good luck. What a lovely man!
Before his song, we were shown Lloyd going back to the valleys to visit his family, all of whom had the same blonde dye-job the boy-child’s been sporting since he entered the show. He told us he was ‘going to sing harder than he ever have before’ and, when push came to shove, the 16 year old who breaks wind through his trachea put in what was probably his best performance in a long line of terrible performances.
Feedback
Walsh: ‘I love everything but the voice’
Boring, boring, boring! Stacey’s performance echoed last week’s interminably drudgeful effort in that it was a collection of vaguely tuneful blarps, pipped out over an orchestral non-entity. More interesting was the footage before the singing, where Stacey and pals checked out a physical copy of their hit charity single in one of the only record shops still trading in the recession-hit UK. Tellingly, they were the only people in the retail outlet. The canny choice of that Godspeed song used to soundtrack an empty London in 28 Days Later added to the sense of despair.
Feedback
Cowell: You’re one of the nicest people we’ve ever had on these shows’
Jedward went back to Ireland and met their Grandfather. Hooray!
Back in the studio, they tried their hardest at I’m Your Man with a glued on Wham rap that segued so clunkily it was a wonder the stage didn’t fall through. It was by far their least comical effort and it seems, in trying to make them a bit more serious, Louis screwed up his mission to make the twins steal the show. The laughter of disbelief dried up and Jedward were robbed of their ability to completely undermine a show that pretends to take itself seriously. A bit of a waste.
Feedback
Cowell: ‘Crazy, crazy choreography’
I think we’ve established that Danyl is a psychopath. It’s there in his eyes when he’s taking the judge’s comments on board. He may think he’s conveying a steely look of dogged determination, but in fact he looks like he’s sizing the judges up for a cannibalistic feast – and this makes me extremely uncomfortable. To add to the discomfort, his Careless Whisper was less a tender ballad, more a Tuneless Bellow. Bonus points, however, for his ‘gone home’ footage, wherein he managed to make his mate (who looked like Steve Furst) look more embarassed than anyone in any of these returning home clips ever before, when he told him that he missed him.
Feedback
Cole: ‘Parts of that were really flat’
Olly misses Essex. ‘Everyone knows everyone there’ he said, which will come as a surprise to many of the 1.7 million residents of this enormous county, large numbers of whom will never have met one another. Talking about his song choice, Olly was pleased that ‘finally I’m doing something modern’. Fast Love, the George Michael solo single, was released in 1996. Over 13 years ago. Simon was the only man to offer a standing ovation to Murs’ flat as a pancake attempt at this unremarkable single.
Feedback
Walsh: ‘Everywhere I go girls are asking ‘is Olly single?’
Joe continues to improve his public relations effort, this time getting a telling off from Nan up in Newcastle, which somehow made him seem a little more human. He needs all the help he can get in that department, as previously it seemed he was nothing more than a blinking, robot puppy. With Cheryl behind him one MILLION percent – do the maths – Joe was concerned that he wouldn’t be able to hit one big note in Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me. It was hard to work out which one he meant, because Joe sounds like a forty year old stalwart of musical theatre, so he hits the right notes left, right and centre. Hard to fault, but also hard to enjoy.
Feedback
Minogue: ‘You nailed the song’
* * *
On to Sunday, and if you could stomach the opening number – the remaining contestants singing/miming along to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go – you were in for a treat.
Susan Boyle (or it could’ve been Gus Hiddink in drag) returned to sing Wild Horses to a crowd similar to the morons who idolised her in Britain’s Got Talent – battering the classic song to death with a mace labelled ’schmaltz’!
As if that wasn’t enough, they then got to see Mary Carey (whoever she is) mime! Exciting!
But then it was judgement time. Down to a threesome of Jedward, Olly and Lloyd, the latter somehow escaped. And, as soon as Jedders opened their mouths to sing – yes, actually SING – that No Matter What Boyzone or Ronan single – the one it’s only possible to like if you;’re over 75 years of age - you knew they were doomed. Doomed, because they actually can’t sing.
VOTE JEDWA….
oh.
29 Comments
Poor Jedward. This must be what it felt like the day after Elvis died.
I’ve gone from Beatlemania to ‘Lennon’s been shot’ in one day.
“What kind of man shaves his hands?”
I did once shave a small portion of my hand once. In my defence I was in my teens. It wasn’t a good idea as it gave the impression my Richard Keys-esque hand was suffering from an outbreak of alopecia.
*has said too much already*
so sad. but, as you rightly pointed out swineshead, its because they just weren’t bad enough on saturday night. and everyone else was pretty bad too, so they didnt stand out enough in their badness. if you see.
Indeed, who wants mediochrity in any aspect of their life.
By the way the online press are covering this, you really would think Elvis (or maybe even JLS) had died.
Good Morning. Have you finished wading through the FQ yet then swines? The collective was on top form last week.
Good morning persons.
Who got voted out then?
I only know of Jedward now, the rest are just a distant mammary….
One of you r best pieces this SH. The first paragraph was especially soopers
‘You’re collaborating, aren’t you? On a podcast of some kind?’…
Morning!
I tripped over this piece of cryptic prophecy (below) in an old Friday Question, while wandering around the archives looking for my scarf.
And, if you say it backwards, in a Paul Macartney voice, you can plainly make out this further hidden message, which is yours to keep even if you don’t subscribe to the first prophecy: “I AM SATAN AND I SHOP AT NETTO”.
==
gingerlovespud Posted April 24, 2009 at 10:44 am | Permalink
I rang my mother at 3 in the morning to ask her why Edward Woodward has so many ‘d’ s in his name.
She didn’t find it funny.
According to wiki Mr Ewar Woowar has most recently appeared on Eastenders
==
Pilchard and swines – is it talking in riddles day?
If the fox does not sniff the budgie, then crumpets remain unbuttered
*continuing the theme*
I haven’t heard it yet. I did say I just did the music earlier to her.
Please excuse me…
I explained the process, yes?
Oh god, did I do a faux pases?
This is twitter isn’t it?
Poor, poor Jedward. You’ve hit the nail on the head though Swines, I blame Louis Walsh. I especially like the fact that even though they talked about it on the VT everyone is still refusing to reference Calvin Harris as the pineapple topped stage invader.
Wonder if the little lad from last week was cock-a-hoop that the charity single made number one? Or whether he didn’t give a shit.
Jamie – is the answer ‘bounced cheque’?
Nick, that was brilliant work. Applause.
In years to come we will all remember where we were and what we were doing when Jedward got the axe. There we will all be, dressed in various shades of light brown like the old sod out of the Werther’s Original advert, eyes glistening and voices breaking as we remember the lads with their shaving brush hair. Or not.
That’s the code the agents are looking for, Fiona. If the US now bombs Iran, we’ll know whose fault it was.
Ta, shall I post a linkie or wait till I’ve edited out all the non relevant parts ie bit without me init init?
*stares at screen*
Hey, Swines, if you need to fill a spare few seconds in this week’s podcast, perhaps you could call me “a loose-bowelled fop with all the personality of a year-old piss stain”? Thanks!
Cripes… where did that come from?
I think Louis lives in an odd little world inside his head where he meets members of the public during the week whom shout questions at him.
That reminds me of an old joke:
What’s the second sign of madness ? Hair on the palms of your hands.
What’s the first sign ? Checking for hair on the palms of your hands.
(Or somat’ like that.)
Can we re-name it the Y Factor now ? As in ‘Y do any of us give a rat’s bojingo’? Or more appropriately the Zzzzzz Factor ? Short of Danyl bullying one of the kids into a blubbering mess on air there can’t be much worth caring about now, can there ?
Well, last week I asked if you could call me a “verbally incontinent shitbag with the physique of a pipe cleaner” and Napoleon said he completely forgot. So I thought I’d have another go.
Morni…..er….afternoon!
So the Price Hopper has walked out of the Jungle and Jedward are out of X Factor. Anyone thinking they should just do a straight swap?
NPA!
Ah ok, Pilch. I thought you were irked about something. Remind us on Wednesday morning.
Price has gone? LAWKS!
I’m expecting a News of the World expose next week on a Jordan/Jedward threesome. She’s got history with that sort of thing: see Gareth Gates.
*shudders*
I’m never irked, Swines. I’m irk-free, through and through.
No Jords, no Jeds, that’s ITV pretty bloody sceeerewed. They’re reeling. Get ‘em all in Strictly, or on a hastily put-together Come Dine With Me, and ITV’s battleship could be sunk forever.
Then Harry Hill can come and live in my house and do TV Burp 24 hours a day. Yesss. Yesssssssss. *Mr Burns finger-tapping*