As WWM sinks even deeper into the low brow, we’re asking if the rumours flying around newspapers, Twitter and the blogosphere are true. Little birds are squawking all over the internets that John & Edward Grimes, aka Jedward, aka the best thing to ever have happened to modern pop music, are due to fly to Australia and fill the position recently warmed by another talentless pair of tits!
So this is how it works! If it’s true, it means that if you fail at The X Factor but are awarded vague public approval for your incoherent song and dance routines, you’ve already cemented your place as the reality-TV-version of what a celebrity’s supposed to be. This would mean that the public now get to see your celebrity being manufactured, then get to watch public approval either washed away on a jungle stream or confirmed through the mastication of a marsupial’s balls!
ITV have this fame game totally sewn up. Either that, or it’s eating itself so rapidly that we’d better skip dessert and order a taxi before it explodes.
Shall we get Louis Theroux primed to spend a post-fame week with them, wandering around some desolate seaside town as they prepare for an end-of-the-pier nightmare?
*end of football comment*
108 Comments
Of course they will.
Their light is dim and short lived.
From the Mirror:
When questioned about entering the show on yesterday’s GMTV, John said: “Can we do that? Are we celebrities?”
If ITV explodes the BBC and CH4 will be showered with ‘Celebrity’ piss and shit that they’ll be scrapping off of the outside of broadcasting house for years to come.
I suggest we seal ITV in a special bomb proof case and drop it to the bottom of the marianus trench… or shoot it into space… to prevent us being covered in whatever fluid jordans tits are made of
Afternoon.
Thanks for not answering my crane question properly, you BASTARDS.
I think the recursiveness of this might actually make TV implode. To jump straight from a place where hopeless wannabes try to get a foothold on the greasy celebrity pole to the diametrically opposite end where washed up Z-listers perform like animals for more air-time to satisfy their desperate need for publicity?
It’s brilliant.
Is it not Immac then, Naps?
Is it arse Immac. Cranes aren’t made off of hairs, are they? No, no they’re not.
What I don’t understand is how you get a big metal crane off a building that’s got all floors and windows in it. I don’t get it.
It’s Celebrity-Go-Round.
Where celebrity is defined as ‘was on telly once’. When they expand the category to ‘was in a pop video’ I am booking my tickets to the jungle straight away.
I think that’s a brilliantly incisive quote. What IS celebrity? *writes 5,000 rubbish words for the Observer*
If this is going to happen, as a deeply cynical ITV move, I can’t see it working somehow. People will tune in for one day, two tops, then realise Jedward in silly costumes singing out of tune = entertaining, Jedward being two naive 17-year-old boys in jungle eating grubulars = probably a little bit creepy and boring.
Surely? Although I shouldn’t comment cos I don’t watch either programme (until XFactor last Sunday) due to being a snobby twet.
Nappers – maybe you get a bigger crane to come and pick it up?
So, if you get a crane off a buiilding with immac, how do you get down off an elephant? #bad jokes 101
And how do you get the bigger crane up there? You’d have to build another skyscraper, wouldn’t you?
THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
We’d all vote for them to do every trial though…yes?
Celebs you say? Check out the guests
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8375757.stm
Oh alright then a really massive helicopter. Like the Mil Mi-6 on this site
I would consider my wedding spoiled should Lionel Blair turn up. Ditto Una Stubbs.
A helicopter? Is that a real suggestion?
Napoleon – Are you talking about cranes on top of half built skyscrppers? they raise up as the building gets bigger.
then they dismantle them and lower them back down.
my favourite crane is Nick Crane.
He loves maps… I mean physically loves them… with his penis
Yes, I understand they dismantle ‘em. I don’t get. however, how they get them down after dismantling ‘em. Surely the dismantled bits would still be too big to pass down fire exits and stairs, wouldn’t they?
Then they probably winch the off the side of the building Nappers. Like those window cleaners cages, and how they get all your furniture into your house in Holland, due to their penchant for narrow staircases
The helicopter thing could work though.
Big scyskrappers have fairly heavy duty lifting eqiupment permenantly on the roof so I guess they use that?
I’m no expert though, but I do watch an unhealthy amount of discovery style tv channels, apart from when it’s fucking fishing or something bloody american where ‘mechanics‘ bolt together pre-built bits of bike to make 1 bike. I HATE THEM! How can they call their workshop a workshop when there’s not a drop of oil or grime anywhere to be seen.
Fred Dibnah had a proper workshop, god rest his British soul.
DIBNAH FOR PRIME MINISTER!
The big crane brings up a smaller crane which lowers the pieces of the big crane down. Then they have an even smaller one that lowers the parts of the 2nd crane down. This smallest crane is then dismantled and lowered down either through the elevator shafts or over the side of the building.
I’m liking Piqued Russian Doll crane operation best out of this lot.
Piqued, are you having me on?
I did answer your crane question Naps…
Nononono, my giant helicopter theory stands up to more scrutiny than the russian doll one.
I still don’t know if Des O Connor is still alive or if he appears on tee shirts…
Nope, that’s just how they did it when buidling the rocp Towers in Toronto, for example
I also favour the Russian doll crane method.
Sorry Mel. (Hello, Mel!)
My favourite crane is Andy Crane.
I’m about to spend my tiny lunch break going for a run in the rain. Am I an idiot?
But my theory has giant helicopters in it – what’s not to like?
Mr Green, unless you compete at running type athletics, then yes you are!
Which is best; Andy Crane or Nick Crane?
There’s only one way to find out…
FIRST ONE TO GET THE CRANE OFF THE SKYSCRAPPER WINS!
Do these helicopters explode?
If not, I’m not budging.
In general, Cranes are not aesthetically pleasing, but the Grey Crowned is quite pretty
Idiot then… my worst fears confirmed… off I go…
Sky Scrappers? Like Brian Blessed and his troops in Flash Gordon?
They could explode, swineshead. But either Keifer Sutherland or Steven Segal would probably be involved if they are.
Plus they are absolutely massive (the helicopters, not the Hollywood actors)
Mel – And what about when there weren’t massive (exploding) helicopters in the world? They’ve been building skyscrapers since the ’20s, haven’t they?
Don’t they leave the crane on there for the window cleaners?
Have you seen a skyscraper, Fourstar?
THERE’S NOT A CRANE ON THE TOP! BASTARD!
God Nappers, it’s because the sky-scraper building elite ket them secret and only flew them at night to maintain their monopoly of the airspace and to further subjucate the proletariat. If anyone did happen to chance upon the helicopters, the helicopters were programmed to expolde, killing the people that caught a glimpse of it and destroying the evidence.
Have you not studied the history of the New World Order?
I have studied the history of the New World Order, Mel. Whilst there’s quite a lot in there about skyscrapers (three in particular), there’s nothing I’ve found about keeping helicopters secret. Surely you can’t keep a helicopter secret in a city the size of New York? Specially when there weren’t that many skyscrapers around at the time they were first supposedly used. Too many folks would see them, and they wouldn’t take out everyone when they exploded.
Your argument’s full of holes.
You might like this site, Naps, Piqued certainly did.
Yes, this page also goes into tower cranes and mentions how they are dismantled and removed – it seems that some are built from pieces small enough to fit into normal freight lifts (assuming the building is fitted with one).
Christ, busted for doing research
Blimey 4*, the things you find on the internet!
This is the fella, gets interesting around 4;3o but the music is pumpin
I see. And here was me thinking Piqued had a working knowledge of skyscraper construction. Shame on you, Piqued.
By the way – Wigan offering to refund fans after they were crushed by Spurs should set a precedent, and that precedent should be back-dated. That way I can claw back the tidy sum of money I wasted going to Lincoln City matches ten years back, the pack of one-legged, game-losing bastards.
I think Cranes are only used to expedite the process. You could build a skyscrapper by laying your bricks on the ground and then start building. You would build a staircase as you go and thus just continue until you get to the required height.
I’m sorry. I went and learned something and passed it on
’skyscrapper’
Is that a penthouse privvy?
Shame on you, Piqued.
DINLT – They moved on from bricks, didn’t they? I’m sure steel’s involved somehow …
Steel??? Bollox…definitely need a crane!
And that brings us neatly back to how they get that crane off of the top of it.
Nappers – if you are interested in this stuff, I believe there are many branches of the Nat Geo franchise that do programmes on such things.
I’m off up to the top of the nearest skyscraper, taking my entire IT infrastructure with me, and I’m going to merrily cast the whole thing off the edge. I hope it kills many innocent people.
*intensly annoyed at everything today*
(apart from WWM obviously)
I was hoping one of you boffin-types wot reads this would have the solution, Mel. Instead I get ignorance and downright lies. I should have known better, you pack of bummards.
I have got the solution, except you wish to poour scorn on my solution, you skeptical old scallywag.
The cranes at building sites are just for show – especially at this time of year, when they acquire their fairy lights.
Skyscrapers are built from preassembled walls that are simply raised into position when nobody is looking, and then stapled together at the corners.
A different procedure had to be used with the Gherkin of course, because that has no corners. They used the so-called “curtain wall” technique here, where they effectively hung the steel-and-glass outer skin from a halo-shaped rail.
This is all secret information which is closely controlled by the masons. I may already have been assassinated by the time you read this.
I gave you a link to a great video explaining everything.
Because your solution STINKS, Mel. According to you, the Illuminati have been secretly lifting cranes off of the top of skyscrapers since the 1920s, then covering their tracks by blowing up both the helicopter and anyone who witnessed the helicopter going about its nefarious business.
That’s David bloody Icke territory, is that.
Look, Nappers, it is a brilliant theory.
Now, when I snap my fingers you will be back in the room, with no memory of this conversation.
HARRUMPH!
also, a more plausible theory that still accounts for the use of crane-toting helicopters is that perhaps this method eveolved as the use of helicopters got more widespread, and bigger.
In biological terms it would be parallel evolution.
Is that more of a boffin-like answer?
It’s more boffin-like, but it’s still bubkuss, Mel.
Yes, BUBKUSS.
Oh, by the way … I watched both the Gracie Fields drama and the Gracie Fields documentary that followed it last night on BBC Four. I reckon I’m pretty clued-up on Gracie Fields now, so any readers who have Gracie Fields-related questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.
nappers – was there any point to Gracie Fields?
Why was Roy hudd so teary over her last night? Did they have an affiar at any time?
Naps – if Gracie Fields had gone out with one of the Beatles, which mop top would it have been?
Got it…they remove the crane…by crane!
That is why you see so many cranes at a building site. They just move them around. Go to most countries and you will see cranes. They just crane one crane to the other….all over the world. It’s self perpetuating, and keeps the crane drivers in employment.
What was Gracie Fields’ favourite colour?
Will she be appearing on Nigella in Beans anytime soon?
Would Gracie have been able to tell how thoroughly BORED I am today?
Gracie Fields forever
Ah, DINLT I see, it is a crane-go-round, in much the same way as this article is about the celebrity-go-round of reality tv.
Thus have we completed the circle?
If Gracie Fields had married Roy Hud she may have taken on the name Gracie Fud
Pilchard – I’d say she’d of married George. Rumour had it he was hung like a horse and could carry on banging away at a woman long after even the likes of Sting had given up the ghost.
Mel …
1. Her favourite colour was brown (mine too!)
2. Nigella in what?
*looks at tumbleweed blowing through ITTODBTBIA*
3. Yes.
Thanks Nappers. I have always wondere dabout the answers to these questions. Now, what about Roy Hudd?
I’m not qualified to talk about Roy Hudd, Mel. Not until I’ve seen BBC Four’s Under The Hudd – a no-holds-barred look at the roly-poly comedian’s life.
It were all Gracie Fields round here, before they built those skyscrappers with those cranes and that.
Never did get to the bottom of that crane mystery … grumble grumble … mutter mutter …
I’m saying no more on the crane matter.
It’s now in the hands of my lawyers…
Oh, sorry. Fudd
Naps, which songs did Gracie Fields sing to keep up the spirits of the people she helped rescue from the SS Forfarshire in 1838? And is it true that she refused to live in a lighthouse ever again?
Surely she’d be Gracie Hudd? When she married that Italian fella, she didn’t change her name to Gracie Fanks.
The Italian fella was played by Tom Hollander in that drama last night. He’s fast becoming my favourite slightly sinister British actor.
Pilchard – She sang ‘Keep Your Chin Up’, ‘Never Mind Mithering, Y’Bunch Of Misery Gutses’ and ‘Nobody Got Owt Out Of A Frown’.
They were much more cheerful back then when it came to popular music.
AND YOU COULD HEAR THE etc.
Blast – missed Cannon & Ball turning on the Christmas lights.
In Lincoln, no less.
Weirdly, I’ve just been reading about them too.
*is spooked at Lincolnshire mind-meld*
*ANTICIPATES*
Canons and Bal
OOH I CULD CRUSH A GRAP
ooh i culd crush a grap
That was Stu Francis, Piqued. He could also jump over a doll’s house if he got really excited.
Only Ball out of that due had a ctachphrase.
“Chase me”
That was Duncan Norvell (or sommat) Nick of the T
(I knew that Mel, I was being a berk. The C & B catchphrase was ‘Rock on Tommy’ if I’m not mistaken.)
Oh righto, as you were then, piqued.
Yes, it was Duncan Norvelle. He was quite shit, but still better than the fading stars of the seventies, that were his main rivals at the time. Ugh!
He used to do this thing with his braces when he was rocking on, Tommy. And they made the best comedy police film to be released in Britain in the last four hundred years.
It was a re make Naps. The great Will Hay did it first and betterer.
I knew all that bunking off school to watch tv would pay dividends one day!!
I posted something with links to two of Britain’s finest entertainers. Has it appeared? Has it arse.
Watch With Mothers are FASCISTS!
At least your articles get published every week Nappers
Cannonballs? pah. I had Mariah (who’s on fiyah). I didn’t see her, just her butterly-confetti’d aftermath, as I tried to get home by bulldozing through the collected commoners like an Intercity through a child on a level crossing.
I’m still furious but Peter Serafinowicz’s 50 impressions in 2 minutes cheered me up a bit.
Harrumph, Mel. Here was me, trying to introduce you to the magical world of entertainment offered by Silver Stage Promotions and what do I get? Flagged up as a spammer, that’s what! It’s a disgrace!
Are they your agents, NC?
If only, Mel. One day I might reach the dizzy heights of Brian Damage, Elvin Priestley and the mysterious Earl E King and be represented by Silver Stage.
One day …
Well, I will keep my fingers crossed for you, Nappers
Their Brucie is a true wonder.
This chap (who likes Musical Theatre) at work has just told the office that his favourite film of all time is ‘Peter’s Friends’
Think I’ll fire him
He looks more like Russ Abbot and Jimmy Hill’s love child, pilch
Your Peter’s Friends fan likes Snow Patrol, doesn’t he Piqued? It’s inevitable.
No, he prefers Gigi
Deja vu!
I think I might have swine flu.
My mother had that, Fourstar. It was a breeze, she reckoned.