Eminem has gone public on his urge to replace a current X Factor judge next year, according to The Mirror, feeling that he could give the show more oomph by dint of his being more of a ‘global’ star than the rest of the sad sacks Cowell sits alongside, week upon week.
Bookies favourite to leave at the moment is Dannii Minogue, who apparently has a strained relationship with Cowell, possibly because the media magnate can’t quite work out why he ever employed her in the first place.
“No disrespect to the current judges but you need people who are global platinum-selling stars.
…said Eminem…
“You need to prepare contestants for what it is really like out there, and what sort of pressure you are going to be under.”
According to those same bookies tipping Em to slot in the void left by Minogue’s departure, Simon Cowell is more likely than Cheryl Cole to be replaced, so close to the nation’s heart is the toilet attendant-slapping, English language-mangling, celebrity stick-insect these days.
Personally, I’d like all four of them replaced by Fat Pat off EastEnders, Dot Cotton off EastEnders, Jim Branning off EastEnders and Patrick Truman. Off EastEnders.
124 Comments
…anyway, be good if Susan Boyle did a vocal rendition of Jean Michel Jarre’s Oxygen as she looks as if she was starved of it at bir…
Oh shit
*looks serious*
Emminemmme
Good god swines, could you have chosen a woorse looking photo o Mr Inem?
He looks all whacked out on scooby snacks.
At least leave it till 15 comments have gone to start talking about something else old boy – I believe that’s the average.
Fiona, I think he has a cyst in his right eye.
I’d like to make a witty suggestion for the panel – but your choices are perfect. Very unsporting of you.
WICKED I LOVE EMMY hES MY FAVOURITE SINGER – XCEPT FOR JEDWARD LOL!
DUN hate on the Jedward, DINLT. Cos all haters are saddoes innit
Or something
DINLT? Think you might be confusing me for somebody, innit.
That was JQW, not DINLT… and he was bigging up the Jedders. He likes the Jedders almost as much as he digs the Lemsip Optics.
Lembit Opik? Jedward? I knew they’d end up in a gay incest threesome.
Talking of which, I saw a clip the other day of Peter Serafinowicz snogging his brother in a “hilarious” way. I have no siblings, but am I right in thinking this is a bit…um…?
My name is, my name is, my name is Susan Boyle thank you very much…
Cos I’m Subo,
Yes I’m the real Subo
All you other Subos are just imitating
SO won’t the real Susan Boyle please stand up
Please stand up
Please stand up.
I know dark and terrible thinks about Lemsip. He and his researcher were staying in bunk beds at some conference. Obit was on the top bunk. First night there, Lemmy got rat-arsed, went back to his bunk and pissed himself in his sleep. Went all over his researcher. Lovely.
Gordon Brown likes Susan Boyle, Jedward and the arctic monkeys. Proof that you can like mainstream as well as non mainstream music.
Swines and JQW – i know, but everytime those people are mentioned on here a rash of illiterates come in and start telling us we are all thick for not liking them, using txtspk, and other unreadable nonsense. I just thought I’d get it out of the way first in the hope that they won’t be tempted.
There’s the bloody image again….
When she walked through the door, it was clear to me
She’s the one they adore, who they came to see.
She’s a… jock star (baby)
Simon Cowell wants her
My step daughters friend is going out with one of JLS..
Just saying…
or was it “smokes JPS”?
I think the panel should be Paul Morley, Tracey MacLeod, Damien Hirst & Germaine Greer.
Art? I’ll give you fucking art mate.
Christ JQW, that’s revolting!
Brian Sewell, Joan Rivers and Ian Brady – abuse to fit every kind of contestant.
I think they should sit Mr Mathers next to Carson Daley and Fred Durst, so they can argue over who Britney Spears gave head to first.
I’d rather Robert Morley, Tracey Ulman, Damien (child of the devil) and Germain Greer (damn!)
The only ‘bitch’ that Mr Mathers would do sex with in showbiz is Jennifer Lopez. And Puffy? He knows this.
Even though they are no longer an item and Puffy’s involvement is no longer relevant.
Soz to go off topic back there SH.
Says a lot for Eminems this, that he’s a twat.
I think they should have a panel consiting of parrots, yeah, know here I’m at? Wicked
*does that finger/thumb ’snap’ thing*
Unless it was Puffy that he fond attractive in the first place, Swines….
He always reminded me of the gay Nazi kid off of Elephant who has sex in shower and then does a school shooting.
Eminem, that is. Not Puffy or Britters.
I think Eminem was around before that film came out, wasn’t he? But there is an uncanny psychological resemblance, you’re right.
I like some of the Marshall Mathers lp, I ought to add.
JQW, I think you’ll find Eminem had been a gay nazi way before that film was made
just been offered a ticket for the game at the Effeminates on Sunday.
Oh, soz, SH. Soz JQW
Soz all
I only count from when they join the ‘leather’ group on Gaydar.
DINLT – was that a poorly constructed and borderline offensive play on words?
When My Name Is was first played on Radio 1, I remember Mark and/or Lard saying “Ooh, that song’ll be quite good when he’s finished it.”
OLDFACT
As I don’t do a blog, have a look at the hastily-cobbled-together student magazine I now produce.
http://cheesegratermagazine.org/
There’s nothing about Eminem in it, mind.
All these comments are ruining my projected dates for reaching the 100,000 mark…
DINLT: So are you going? Or was that a badly worded offer to the onlooking public?
Yes Swines..yes it was!
JRME – are you a FB fan of WWM?
Of course, the real art judges panel should include…
…wait for it…
Tracy Eminem.
Eminem: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti. He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready. To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud He opens his mouth, but the words won’t come out He’s choking, how everybody’s joking now.
Dermot: I’m going to have to press you for an answer.
Eminem: Let the public decide. We’re taking this into lockdown.
I am yes Clarry but under my real name. Subterfuge!
Why do you ask?
Clarry, I wish you’d change your pic, it’s making me feel all 70’s Yorkshire Ripper
Of course Fourstar..
*laughs eyes out*
Yes , i think i will be going.
Hear that, Dave? That’s the sound of one hand slow clapping.
Would work well as a video mashup though. Get on it.
Clapping against what, you dirty bastard.
Don’t be silly, I’ve got a wanking glove for that. I took it to snappy snaps and had your face printed on it.
I read a comment up there as ‘the Lemsip Olympics’. I’d watch that. The likes of Daley Thompson and Duncan Goodhew competing with a bit of a cold.
How’s about a prune juice decathlon?
Piqued – Sorry, but you’ll have to deal with it. That is a true likeness of my actual face, with a disguise added. But if I were to change it, what do you suggest as an alternative?
JRME – Not being stalkerish or anything, I was just wondering.
Wagonwheel.
What year you in now?
How much you in debt?
Have you heard of Sir Richard Burton? (not the actor).
Clarry! Oh! Right, no, no, that’s cool. I didn’t want a stalker. Well, not really. Um…no, it’s fine. Whatever. Cool.
Michael Johnson commentating from under a duvet on a sofa, flicking between watching the race and Scrubs on E4, Colin Jackson bringing him tissues and trying subtly to snuggle under. I’d watch it.
DINLT.
2nd
£27,000, will be about £45,000 on graduation
Yes
Actually Clarry, are you? FB fan I mean? *stalks Clarry*
I have DINLT – we recently tendered to do some work to his tomb.
1). Cool.
2). You are joking about the money? That’s far too much. Honestly, it makes me angry the way these fees are foisted on students. The system might work for American state universities but not for the English system.
3). He led a pretty interesting life eh.
Clarry..really…interesting.
1.) Yes
2.) No joke. Still, if the fees go up as planned, it would be more like £65,000 for future students.
3.) Very.
JRME – Yes, I am too. I will probably be quite easy to detect: mentally subtract the disguise from my avatar, make it colour and then imagine me further away and with some other people. Also a bit of my name is quite similar to my name here.
Are you giving me any clues for you?
DINLT – Yes, really. And yes, very interesting. Have there been any TV/film dramas based on his story? If not, there should be.
Clarry…Nope I do not think so. But there are a couple of websites.
DINLT – Yes, I’ve done a bit of research into him for the project.
JRME – On the basis that you are a girl, I’ve narrowed it down to you being one of 64 people. Am I getting warmer?
There is a film – Mountains of the Moon.
Details HERE
Well clarry, you already know who breeks and Roszsz and I are, so should that be 61?
Jesus, Clarry, you’re not a conservator, are you? I went out with one of them and she was a BITCH.
And her boss was a posh arsehole, incidentally.
Oooh, I’ll give you a suggestion, Clarry, Oooh, I will ruddy will I can tell you!!!!!
Oooooooooooh!
Ahahahahahahahhaaaaaaar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*looks around to see if anyone is laughing*
No.
*goes back to forlornly staring out to sea*
Right, I’m off for a smoke, a shower and an evening in the House of Lords. Have a good one.
Could someone help me with my chamberpot? There is a rather heavy stool in it
Sea Piqued?
From Wimbledon?
Bloody hell, the floods there are worse than I thought.
Had I better bring my galoshes when I am in town this weekend?
I fucking hate Wimbledon
Mm, but is it flooded?
No.
The village is ok. But down the hill is a nightmare.
Guess where I fucking work DINLT?
piqued – If your lucky in the village. Otherwise it is just another high street.
It’s the “You couldn’t make it up” season again!
Worse than that, it’s near the dog track
DINLT, notice the photo is taken during the day when it’s not all lit up and pretty
Piqued – so what was the suggestion? Oh, there wasn’t one… Guess i’ll stick to being the Yorkshire Ripper off of the 70s.
Mel – I had already discounted you, Roszszer, Breeks and myself, so it remains at 64.
Naps – Yes.
Odd how one picks and choses what to believe in the Daly Mail…..
Isn’t Wimbledon dog track in Tooting though?
I may be the only person on here who uses their real name.
Jamie and Dave?
South Wimbledon I would have thought, Mel.
Well, I used to, until I got a better one
Is everyone on the run from the law?
DINLT – from memory isn’t it ner sytreatham cemetary? Which is near St George’s hospital, and not near streatham, confusingly.
Yes Nick, I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die
It’s sort of everywhere Mel ain’t it? Tooting, Merton even Earlsfield. I did actually go to Plough Lane when Wimbledon played there on a couple of occasions.
I just bought an Asus UL-30 Ultralight Laptop.
It’s fucking brilliant.
Carry on.
No, Mel. It’s near Tooting, but it’s in fucking Wimbledon
Tooting’s a hole tooting
*shudders at the memories brought up by Clarry’s job*
Just finished recording this week’s podcast, folks, and it’s … it’s … well it’s definitely a podcast.
Bet you’re excited now, eh?
If there’s no second episode of “You Say We Pay” I’m not interested.
“Is it a baked bean?”
We’ve moved on from You Say We Pay, Fourstar, so I’m … Fourstar?
Oh, he’s not interested …
*is not interested*
Would you be interested if I told you there was a dirty song?
No.
Yes.
In that case …
There’s a dirty song.
Sorry for ignorning you Clarry. Well, I wasn’t ignoring you, I was coming into work. Out of 64, I am one of them. And my name begins with the same letter as the name on here. And ends in ulia. Frack it. Anonymity be damned innit. *wind blows caution back into my face*
64 women + 3 = 67 women fans eh? We should all get together and have a party like in that horrendous Boots advert.
Piqued – you work just down the road from where I live. Why, I could walk there. This freaks me out a bit.
Dirty song like “hideous diarrhoea” dirty, or “I wanna sex you up” dirty?
Clarry , JRME’s already told us her name means soft hair.
But DINLT – there is no one on the fan page whose name is pubic…
I am really sorry, JRME, I couldn’t resist that one
I do not have facebook so i do not know how it all works. Got Twitter though.
Nytol.
Argh…
My real name is David and my surname is pretty much David as well.
Not a problem at all, Mel. I have been called worse things. Actually, I don’t think I have, but I don’t mind anyway. My name I suppose could mean happy pubis, which means I should probably go into porn.
*goes into porn*
I wouldn’t go into that porn headfirst, you’ll get stuck.
Dave is like the Scotch version of this man, who was actually Icelandic, although he lived in Scotland.
I’m not Scotch, Fiona. And I only pretended to like the Scotch when I had to endue them. Now I’m in Manc and can declare they are all as annoying as London people and old women in motor scooters who take up the middle o the pavement because they can.
Ok Dave, sorry.
Dave is like the Manc version of this man, who wasn’t Scotch either, but also lived there for a protracted length of time.
Happy now?
No.
why, it is more factually correct, no?
I used to think that Magnus Magnusson was way cool.
David David is also a cool name.
JRME – You might have mail (you might not though, if I got the wrong person)
I’m off now, see you all on the moz.
Bye now… potato, go upstairs and lie down.
^one for Clarry’s Mam
*muffled screams*
Ooh, that was bad timing. I wasn’t screaming cos of you, Clarry. Sorry.
You found me! *presses ignore* Kidding. Very nice to meet Facebook-meet you.
Ha ha, I thought that was rather good timing JRME, what with me being the Yorkshire Ripper and everything…
P.S I’ve just taken a plaster off and my finger STINKS now.
*considers joining forces with Nap to repel people*
Did I miss anything today? Can someone tell me what the homework is?
*Has also found JRME on fassbook*
*Has powers*
Hi Pilch – today’s homework is trying to bleach the mental picture of Dave’s wankbank picture (Swineshead Revisited, see up there^^) from our mind’s eye.
ooh, I feel all popular now. *preens*
Oh, thanks for adding me yeah Nick? *sulks*
Not really. You didn’t have to.
Clarry – I thought that Dave thing was quite beautiful, but only because I misread it as riding *on* a bicycle.
Then I read it again and it was even more beautiful.
I was warned off by Clarry, she got very possessive…