I’m sure we all remember The Crystal Maze with some fondness. Little egghead and musical supremo, Richard O’Brien waggling around the Aztec Zone, yuppies in a massive conservatory grabbing at floating money and the sheer frustration of being able to solve the puzzles faster than the divvy contestants… it was even still alright when Ed Tudor-Pole was put in charge when O’Brien couldn’t be bothered any more.
Well prepare to welcome it back with open arms – then close your arms and fold them across your chest when you realise that ITV have bought the rights, are putting Amanda Holden at the helm and are planning on using only ‘celebrity’ contestants. Curses!
Thanks, Digitalspy, for the terrible, terrible news!
*end of football comment*
34 Comments
Harrumph. This is almost enouh to make me rescind my citizenship. What a bunch of arse.
What the rubbery fuck? But…but…..but….
Oh balls. If you’ve got a good TV programme format, don’t give it to ITV, they’ll ruin it.
Crystal Maze *was* good. “I’ve got the crystal, OPEN THE DOOR!”
My mate met Richard O’Brien and made him say, “Will you start the fans, PLEASE” for the benefit of his camera phone. Ace.
Groee, I completely concur – it was ace, but this will be a bunch of absolutely rancid arse.
I liked this. Never put a minority channel show like this on a big channel. I am only morbidly curious to see what a pig’s arse ITV make out of this. I predict dumbing down, outrageous contenstants and celebrity teams that would make me actually want to watch Celebrity Family Fortunes with Vermin. And Holden won’t be able to stay away from the camera for long enough. The fun was watching the teams struggle. It will be rejugged to ensure Holden is on screen for about 80% of the show.
Fiona, i agree, Harrummppff.
If she goes bald for the gig, I might give it a go. Also, why do all gameshows now only feature celebrity contestants? Is it because the rest of us plebs are too ugly and boring to be plastered across the box?
A POX ON ITV! Rubbery fuck indeed and very much a bunch of absolutely rancid arse! Well said, all of you.
Crystal Maze was during my most formative years and as such I have always held it in the highest regard. I even wanted to be bald and able to play the harmonica for a while. It was a real treat of a show!
I can’t for the life of me understand what ITV hope to achieve by committing this hate-crime against telly.
I’m so angry and confused by this that I simply don’t know how to word what i’m feeling…
fuck
that’ll have to do for now…
*sobs*
*Gives Mr Green a big hug and a nice cup of tea*
Never mind Mr Green. At least this will be on ITV, so no one will actually watch it!
Thanks Fiona
*sits huddled under blanket drinking tea, rocking slightly*
ITV is dead to me now. Like an ex-girlfriend i’m going to remove any trace of it from my life!
Do you think i’ll be able to damage my set-top box in such a way as to stop ITV appearing?
NO WAY!
I really love Crystal Maze and still watch the reruns on Challenge (or whatever channel it currently languishes on). It’s the tops. I can’t imagine a more ridiculous choice of presenter than AH. Personally I used to like the sarcastic asides (a la Dave Lamb off of CDWM) when the contestants were doing shit at a piss easy puzzle. Amanda Holden will just try and be a dolly bird and mug at the camera every now and then. Maybe we should appeal to ITV and see if they’ll throw Les Dennis in to spice things up?
This is definitely going to be as unremarkable as the Gladiators remake.
Mr Green – The Crystal Maze was bullshit presented by a hapless wally (and then another hapless wally with a Basset Hound face). At least Holden’ll sex that shit up. With her tits and shiny plastic face …
Napoleon – If you want to look at tits and a shiny plastic face you can find them in abundance on the internet! Although i’m sure you’re already well aware of that, aren’t you…
However, if you want a bald man playing the hamonica…….. *checks internet*……. oh wait, hang-on….
Holden? Sex?
Did you watch the Kim Catrall and Andrew McCarthy flick Mannequin one too many times, Nappers?
Actually, Mr Green, I want to look at tits and a shiny plastic face on both the internet and TV. Indeed, with the right picture at the top of my screen (i.e. a headless woman in the buff), I can look over the top of my monitor at the Crystal Maze and see Amanda ‘The Sex’ Holden completely naked.
Yes, Swineshead, yes I did.
And Police Academy.
Me too.
I’m with you all here. What an utter travesty. The whole fun of Crystal Maze was the ugliness and incompetence of the contestants, like what Edna said. Remember Fort Boyard? That was a pair of tits, another tit and sporty people drowning in spiders, and it was boring as all get out.
The only saving grace is wot I fink whenever terrible telly rears its ugly head: at least Harry Hill will make mincemeat of it. How I wish he was around at the mo to comment on Katya’s CBB entrance: “Hello, Katya. Hello, Katya. Hello, Katya. Hello, Katya. Hello, Katya.”
Also, the Crystal Maze pub quiz machine was always a superior one cos you got to do mini Flash game-type things instead of just answering 4 million trivia questions to win money. It’s v rare now, like the Point Blank cash game, the daddy of all gaming fruities, which I once one £14 out of on a single shot.
Right, on that irrelevancy, I’m going to work now, which is also irrelevant.
Didn’t Eddie “Tenpole ” Tudor host it for a time, or did I dream that?
no, you didn’t dream that Nick. And i think they got rid of the Aztec bit and replaced it with Oceania or something similar at the same time.
I thought so.
She, Holden, would be better on Fort Boyard…no one watched that.
Seeing as how she can hardly move any parts of her face, the difference between winning a crystal and getting shut in a room isn’t going to be all that exciting, is it.
I don’t know what planet you guys are living on but Crystal Maze absolutely rocks!!!!!!!!!!! get a life and go watch some proper tv!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tasha, you may have noticed that we agree with you in part. No-one has said that the Crystal Maze is a bad show. In fact, we have banged on and on about how good it was. But tell me, what exactly does Amanda Holden add to the format, especially when it requires a quirky and engaging presenter?
Celebrities can F off.
What makes ITV think they ADD to our enjoyment?
They’re about to ruin a classic.. Unless they pull something crazy out of the hat…
It will take a lot to convince me at the moment.
Am I the only one who fancies Amanda Holden then? Well, apart from Les Dennis and Bob the Builder, obviously.
Appears so, Spag. All yours.
And Neil Morrisey…
Happy days!
No matter how good/rubbish this may be, it won;t be a millionth as awful as *shudders* the Shane Ritchie “Minder” remake. Just bear that in mind.
if they want to stick holden and her celeb dummies in a game show bring back the adventure game an let her ruin that instead.
sure shed be better off with talking plantpots ,shes been sat next to plenty in her time and they could introduce a live minefeild instead of the vortex think we could all do with a good laff
begs the question is itv cuttin corner with a remake by filing every room with the contents if the toy section from mothercare?????????
heres one for u itv let holden host celebrity britains got tallent.
let her try find a celeb who can pick his nose n fart the national anthem whilst strung over a pit o rabid hampsters on acid.
maybe not such a good idea as celebs with tallent are so hard to come by
The enormity of the rancidness of this giant, rubbery fucked arse-news is almost too much to take. I shall go away forthwith and cry.
It’s already happened, Matthew. Chris Tarrant co-hosted.
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