“Today I’m going to show you how to make a week’s worth of simple suppers with the ingredients we’ve all got knocking around in our cupboards and fridges,” chef Nigel Slater tells me on Wednesday night’s broadcast of his BBC1 cookery show, Nigel Slater’s Simple Suppers.
“Don’t worry if you haven’t got the same ingredients as me, just make it up as you go along with what you’ve got, y’know, just knocking around in the cupboards.”
“Alright, Nigel,” says I. “Let me just have a look in my cupboards …”
“The first supper,” says Nigel, “is this wonderful chicken and bacon burger.”
“Chicken and bacon, eh? Let’s see, shall we … right, I’ve got three slices of budget chicken roll and a half-eaten packet of Frazzles.”
“Now mix the chicken mince and the bacon together and leave them to stand so the ingredients can get to know one another for a while …”
“Come again?”
“… fry the chicken mince, bacon and freshly-grated Parmesan …”
“Freshly-grated Parmesan? Hold on … no, all I’ve got in ‘ere is Dairylea, Nigel.”
“… in a pan. You’ll see how the sugars in the chicken caramelise to form a tasty crust …”
“To be fair, this set of ingredients ain’t browning up in quite the same way as yours is. I think it may be the Frazzles, Nigel.”
“Now, while that’s cooking, let’s make a wonderful garlic mayonnaise to accompany our burger …”
“MAKE a mayonnaise? What the hell’s simple about that?”
“First off, separate two egg yolks into a bowl …”
“Eggs? I ain’t got no eggs, Nigel … erm … Bird’s Custard, that’s made off of eggs, ain’t it?”
“… add the lemon juice …”
“I’ve got Um Bongo …”
“… and leave to stand.”
“The custard’s gone all funny, Nigel.”
“OK. A lot of people like to wrap their burgers in bread, but I prefer a freshly-cut lettuce leaf from the garden …”
“The …? Who said anything about a bloody garden?”
“Get a nice big leaf …”
“Be back in a second … right. The best I can do is a dock leaf. I think I’ve got most of the dog dirt off.”
“Now wrap the leaf around your burger …”
“I’m not sure about this …”
“… and dig in.”
“Here goes nothing …”
“Hmmmm! Magnifique!”
“WUUURRRGGGGHHH!”
* * *
Good old Nigel ‘The Most Poncified Chef Ever To Walk God’s Green Earth’ Slater’s waffling load of BBC balls has inspired today’s Friday Question:
What cookery shows would YOU like to see grace our screens?
- P’raps it’s time children’s entertainer Doctor Who stopped fighting people with rubber heads and taught his target audience of three to eight year olds how to cook instead?
- Maybe A Touch Of Frost should be just that – wholesome frozen food recipes presented by David ‘Derek’ Jason?
- Or what about the Hairy Nude Bikers? Can YOU keep your dinner down when it’s presented to you by two fat, sweaty naked men who stand over you as you eat?
Whatever takes your fancy, WWMers, we want to hear it. And if you have a recipe as exciting as my chicken roll and Frazzles in a dog dirt dock leaf wrap with Um Bongo custard mayonnaise, then by all means share it with the rest of the class.
Bon appetit!
*end of football comment*
307 Comments
Good Morning
I think that Breeks and I should be allowed to present Saturday Kitchen. I reckon we’d have a laugh, and we can’t be any worse than James “Babyface” Martin.
And that stupid omlette challenge would go for a starter.
Grace and Favour
Cookery show set in an aging department store. Each meal would be preceeded by a stern Captain Peacock insisting that a prayer be held to celebrate the food, which would consist entirely of party favours (made from rice paper) and them sugared almonds you get off off wedding parties.
Top Gear
Scouse cooking programme, teaching us the ways of a pan of scouse and other top scran, la.
I think they should re-run Get Stuffed quite frankly.
Delia through the Decay
Delia snuffed it a couple o years ago after a nasty bout of food poisoning from her squidgy chocolate log. But, never one to be overlooked, she is now cooking from beyond the grave, despite losing chunks of her own anatomy into the recipes each week.
This is possibly not the best timing for this, did I mention that I am off work with all vomiting and shit?
What was get stuffed, rock mother?
Cheggars Plays Pop
In which keith Chegwin greviews new and exciting soft drinks each week.
Dear God, Get Stuffed.
Friday, 1999, 2:00 am. Pissed.
GET STUFFED! GET STUFFED! CHEESE ON TOAST! GET IN! LUVVERLEE! GET YER CHEESE! GET YER TOAST! CHEESE ON TOAST! GET IN! GET STUFFED! GET STUFFED!
Oh, wasn’t that just encouraging drunkards to burn their houses down?
Come Dine With Me
All of you, at my house. I do a great barbecue….
First, Last and all of the Summer Wine
Hosted by Oz ‘hic’ Clarke
Sort of. It was shitty recipes shouted at you by two mentally defective ‘chefs’ with Why Don’t You-style graphics as the camera zoomed in and out rapidly, making you feel sick.
Great comedy article! I really enjoyed reading that.
All my contribution will be is bring back “The Galloping Gourmet”.
Two Fat Hairy Bikers at Home with Jamie’s Rhodes Around Britain’s Meals in Minutes/ Express
A mash up of all the cookery shows on TV ever, where, fittingly, all the recipes are some kind of mash – mashed potatoes, root veg mash, three bean mash, and so on.
Get Stuffed was an after pub lo-fi cookery show of the early 90’s (I am old enough to remember) and it was highly entertaining and very cheap (a) to make (b) to make the things they cooked – a win win for both the broadcaster and intended audience (people coming in pissed from the pub). Can’t find any of it on youtube – only this parody of it ‘Get Stoned’…but you get the idea…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOVqfPsNEy8
Nappers – and thus encouraging you to leave the food you had ust placed under the grill, while you slept off your nausea, and your house burned down around your ears. Sounds great!
Erm, thanks Rockmother. I have just been sick. Again.
Blackened Beauty
Charred remains is all you get if you let a horse do your cookery show. They lack the necessary opposable thumbs
Cheddars Play Pop
Game show in which various hard cheeses review the latest Top 40 single releases.
Denise’s Dairylea Dabbers
Not so much a cookery show, more a personal fantasy of mine involving Denise Van Outen and lashings of Dairylea.
Can’t Cook, Won’t Cook
Two members of the public with limited culinary skills, staunchly refuse to prepare food. To the growing frustration and eventually, murderous anger of Ainsley Harriet.
Ah, the four most bittersweet words in the English language: ‘Suspended on full pay’.
‘So I don’t have to come to work?’
‘And I still get paid?’
‘But I might get sacked?’
‘And everyone thinks I’m an arsehole?’
35 minutes into it and I’m watching Jeremy Kyle.
Oh God.
Waterloo Rhodes
Britain’s favourite middle-class chef solves the teenage pregnancy problem at an inner-city school using only a chorizo, feta & hand-picked organic rocket salad.
RoastEnders
Phil, Ian and someother cast members all settle their scores by having a roast off. The one that makes the nicests full roast dinner (meat and accompaniments of their choice) wins this week’s petty squable.
Nappers from the Naughty Step
Not a TV programme, but where all of Napper’s posts will be coming from today.
Homes Under the Meat Tenderiser
How to sell shit properties at auction, with added butchery lessons
The Jeerah Kyle Show
Having grown bored of haraguing his guests, Jezza has taken to chucking various spices at them to see if it makes their woes more palatable to a middle class audience.
*haranguing
Fiona’s ‘doing a pilchard’.
Which is obviously a good thing.
Eel or No Eel?
Guests on this stupid Noel Edmonds vehicle must now guess on the odds of finding endangered fish species in their boxes. Odds are diminishing daily on the Blue-Fin Tuna, but what of the elusive elver?
Super Panny! Shout at people and put them on the naughty step when they can’t cook properly.
Coronation Chicken Street
Cheap food full of transfats, coming to you from a knicker factory up north.
Telly tubbies
Shocking programme aimed at warning small kids what will happen to them if they don’t get off their little arses and go outside and play. Hosted by the stuff of nightmares, Gillian McKeith.
Yes Pie Minister
Satirical look at the larders and eating prefeences of our political elite. This week, Jim Hacker and Sir Humphrey fall out over which brand of picalili they sholuld offer at the state dinner.
Agatha Christie’s Petit Pois
Crimes and misdemeanours solved by a small, mustachioed pea, all before dinner time.
I like Yes Pie Minister. Nice play on words there, Mel.
*suspects Mel’s been keeping her fingers crossed for this question to come up for some time*
Bugger, i meant to name that last one
Agatha Christies Petit Pois – Oh!
Off topic, did Naps write this? Got his style-prints all over it
Only French Eat Horses
List programme about the disgusting toss those foreign buggers eat.
No Nappers, it is a fortuitous mix of being off sick, and knowing my onions
Eel Or No Eel was very good
One Man And His Dog
Korean cookery for beginners.
CSI: Environmental Health
Grissom and co. in their weekly dramatic quest to find out whether the latest victim of food poisonining was down to a rancid kebab shop, a sloppy curry house, or just their own poor domestic hygeine. All delivered in glorious anatomic detail, with computer reconstructions of the illness, and with very high drama.
The Wright Stuff
He started with ordinary things, like roast chickens and vine leaves. As the series has progressed, the panel have discussed more outlandish ingredients. What will Matthew Wright be stuffing this week?
So You Think You can Cook/ The Hob Factor
Masterchef/ X factor crossover, where the judges are more sneering (and less greedy – I bet Cheryl doesn’t even try any of the food) and the stupid public get to vote, even though they cannot tatse or smell the food.
Bones
Ridiculous cop drama, of no worth, but at least we can make a lovely stock at the end of each episode.
*hopes that Bones is showing in the UK*
Hock The Week
Pan-el show where a bunch of hams are grilled about the recipes of the day. With Frankie Boil.
(Sorry, that was awful but it’s out of my system now)
Frank Spencer’s Kitchen Nightmares
Every day in the kitchen is a nigtmare for this hapless chump. Oooh Betty.
Fourstar, that is great, not awful.
Mel, You are on form today!
or drugs…
one or the other.
No. Definitely form….
or maybe drugs…
*wishes for drugs*
The Thick Of It
Political satire with added gravy cooking techniques
Shrink Rap
Heavyweight psychological discussions with Pamela Connely, in which guests discuss their issues with cling film.
Young, Angry and White Bread
Low quality baking with the BNP
Only Pools of Sauces
Eating contest where teams must work together to consume paddling pools of different types of sauces. This week, Tartar.
Thanks Mr Green, I have time to dedicate to this today!
The Tex Mex Files
When Christ is seen in a taco shell, Mulder and Scully investigate to make sure there is nothing paranormal going on.
Only Pools and sauces – excellent!
Gloop
Uplifting US high school comedy about the goings on in the canteen.
Only Moules (Fish Courses)
Rick Steins new seafood series where he cooks only Moules in a slightly different way each time.
Cake Trip
Slightly camp Brendan takes a group of moaning old biddies on a tour of the world’s greatest cake -making venues. Stopovers include Dundee, Vienna, and the Black Forest. All on a little coach, with a running commentary.
I like the development of your theme around a single programme, Mr Green. This is an interesting angle, not yet explored in the FQ.
Dancing on Rice
Which of the celebrity contestants will develop a sprawled technique that is elegant, whilst still not making them sink into oblivion?
Take Me Out
Because I’m bored of all this shit home cooking.
Only Gruel and Morsels
Endurance challenge where contestants have to survive 2 weeks on gruel and crumbs.
Morning!
Just thought I should pop in to say that the lyrics from ‘Paranoid’ are in fact:
Can you help me -occupy my brain?
Problem solved!
Does anyone remember the shit australian cook from the early days of SKY 1? I have no idea what he was called, but I do remember he dropped a lot of ingrediants and usually ended up making beans/Eggs on toast.
Right, I’m off -bye!
Take me, Trout
Harsh dating show for fish
Celebrity Big Broiler
Has beens queue up to get locked in a house, where each week the loser voted off gets a good grilling.
*American cookery term pun*
Dya know fourstar, i saw that Mash article and thought exactly the same thing.
Game On
A sit com in which a pheasant, a rabbit and a deer share a flat together, with hilarious consequences.
Foamy Stools and Tortoise
Heston Blumenthals new series in which he cooks whacky food from implausible ingredients. This week, Mushroom and Tortoise soup that’s that kind of foamy soup he makes sometimes. You know, when it looks like phlegm…
I think I’ve killed my brain doing this!
Dancing On Rice made me do a proper ROFL, Mel
I’m not sure that Mash article is subtle enough for our Nappers…
Loose Women
No-one wants to eat what they have…
Don’t forget to clean up afterwards with Charlie Brookers Kitchenwipes
Mash Of the Day
Mr Sawney Bean
Rowan Atkinson plays the nerdy Borders cannibal who ends up in lots of embarrassing situations when attacking people and dragging them back to his cave
These are brilliant by the way, and Mel is on brilliant form.
Pancakeorama
hmmm
With Gary Vinegar, Ex?
Ghee
High School Drama about a group of kids quest to win an Indian Cookery competition.
Thanks, but now I seem to be blocked from commenting.
TEST
“TEST” wasn’t one of your best Mel.
Frazzles Rock
Disappointing Jim Henson effort about synthetic bacon flavoured muppets
*seethes*
WWM is censoring my comments. I will give up on my ideas for Bargain Hunt. It doesn’t seem to like them. No links or Nuffink.
Ghee – it is where I wish I’d gone with Gloop. Well done Thumps
How The Earth Made Jus
Working Lunch
Of course!
Without a Trace
Sit com about a work’s canteen fridge, and a random food thief.
How to Look Good Baking
(Wear a hilarious apron wots got tits and a fanny on)
Baked Seven
I love it when you can recycle ones from previous FQs
Piers Morgan on.. A Roasting Spit
I wouldn’t eat it, but it’d be a whale of a time cooking it.
Coronation Chicken Street gets my vote so far.
America’s Next Hob Model
Combining lifestyle and cookery, and judged by Tyra Banks.
Without A Plaice
Distopian Sci Fi, set in the near future, when the worlds fish stocks have been depleted.
Yay for how to look good and baked seven.
Veronica Mars Bar
Cookie detective series about a girl and her confectionary
Potato The Manor Born
Audrey and Richard argue bitterly over the last pound of King Edwards in the village shop.
Bridies Revisited
Grampian TV’s premier cookery show from Forfar.
(Pilchard may be the only WWMer to get this one)
The Pill
What Tomorrow’s World told us the cookery shows of the future would look like.
M*A*S*H
Sorry Fourstar, ive just seen your Gary Vinegar suggestion and frankly the idea of Mash and vinegar is sick.
I may have to keep an eye on you for further perversions.
Angel Cakes
The vampire with a soul turns his hand to helping demons with their cookery problems, in order to feed the hell mouth.
Midsummer Burgers
The Wright Stuffing
Grace and Flavour shurley Mel..
Morninging
Dog the Bounty Hunter
In which our intrepid hero hunts down rare confectionary for expats.
Nick – yes, that it should be. Sorry
The Pie At Night
Unreconstructed late night snack show.
Kourtney and Khloe Take the Biscuit
Who on earth gave these no marks their own show? What stuffings ahould we use on them?
WWE Raw
Championing healthy food for the sports star in your life
YeastEnders
A rising favourite in the viewing figures.
Jon and Cake Plus 8
Post divorce, Jon turns to food to help him bring up twins and sextuplets
Victoria Sponge Cake Square Pants
One for the kids
You’re very welcome to keep an eye on my perversions, Ex, but I don’t think you’ll like what you see.
You’ve got so many good ideas they’re pouring out of both ends Mel. Not unlike your the contents of your intestines.
eek
Escape to the Country Life
Property show hosted by animated butter figures
Dr Poo
Closes the programming, after all this cooking and eating.
Corned Beef Hash In the Attic
How much will Mrs Miggins’ WW2 recipes be worth at auction?
Steptoe and Bun
Grumpy old ironmonger berates various bread forms after his son finally gets married and deserts him in his bath.
Martin Clunes: The PieLands Of Britian
The large featured actor explores the many pie producing regions of the nation.
I’m quite pie centric today. I think i’ll have a pie for my tea.
The Man from U.N.C.L.E. B.E.N.
A rare outing for this 60s series on international ricepionage. Tonight’s episode: “Chilli Con Carnage”
I tip my hat to you sir.
Thumps – that UNCLE BEN one is aces.
The Deadliest Batch
Tales of a Baker’s Dozen – with a twist.
Dr Moo – all steaks and various meat off a cow
Dr Roo – all steaks and various meat off a kangaroo
A Place With a Bun
Property show helping couples move in the vicinity of a good artisam bakers
Dr Tofu – no steaks and various meat made out of a tub of putty
*artisan
And no, I won’t slow down website. I’m on a (sausage) roll.
Dr Woo – he’s a little bit Whey
Dr Zoo – all steaks and various meat off of any animal
Res’moration
Following the fate of the buildings we did not vote for Griff to save, as some Americans move in to burn their remains, and toast fattening sugar products over them.
To Fry or Not To Fry?
Which of the things the smug middle class idiots on this show ’simply adore’ will not taste better fried? Go on, test drive them…
Fisherman’s Friends
Grampian TV’s version of popular show is set in Peterhead rather than Manhattan, but apart from that it’s JUST AS GOOD.
QT
Quite Tasty
The Fresh Fruit of Bel Air
‘well this is the story of all about how my bowl got flipped turned upsiide down.
I’d like to take a minute and sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the fruit of a town called bel air’
Completely different tales of what Will and Jeffrey got up to.
Counts as one of your five a day!
CHIPS
2 Highway patrolman discover the best places for chips.
(FRIES in USA Presented by Stephen Fry).
Battenburg Galattica
Sci-Fi series that everybody says is really good but you never end up watching. Besides, you prefer Jaffa Cakes
I’m hungry…why is that?
Jammie Dodgers in the 25th Century
Can’t think of anything to write about this one, but I’d probably watch it.
Animal Crackers Rescue Squad
Anthea Turner’s sister follows the RSCCB – the Royal Society Aganist Cruelty to Chocolate Biscuits
The Frier
Undercover US cops in Baltimore eat alot of fried food.
Heh, The Frier is really good
Rice Truckers
Everyday tales of food delivery drivers
Baltikissangel
Sentimental drama about a priest from Birmingham who brings decent curries to an Irish village.
Everybody Loves Bacon
Sitcom, that is more honest and more popular than the original about that gimp Raymond.
The Invisible Pan
what will Kevin Bacon be cooking up on it this week?
Grazie Thumps..I was due a good one after previous terrible efforts.
As Time Goes Pie
Pedestrian sitcom about how funny it is that your food likes and dislikes change over time. Starring Judi Dentures and Geoffrey Palm Sugar
A Scone with the Braithwaites
Lets all go round to this disfunctional family of lottery millionaires for a spot of high tea
Test The Mastication
How well does the public chew its food?
Curses, i’ve been trying to shoe horn in Buck rodgers for ages.
As Time Goes Pie can also be called Waiting for Gob
Eldoradough
Tales of expats coming to terms with that fancy foregin bread
Eldoradough is the winner
))))
Of course, we all forgot the Big Breakfast
Crikey, I arrive at the Friday question and there’s already over 150 comments. Do I have to read through them all?
*starts reading*
A little bit of Fry and Curry
Stephen and Hugh investigate fried Indian dishes.
The Chocolate Brown Minstrel Show
Confectionary all give their best Al Jolson impressions. May not be in better taste, but at least they won’t melt in your hand!
No sign of Pilchard….
Wine Team
Just what should you be drinking as you discover your Neolithic Causewayed Inclosure?
Hw swims in mysterious circles Nick, but nearly always emerges from the creative deeps to swallow the FQ.
Delia Or No Delia
Celebrity chefs take it in turns to open a box, each of which contains an ingredient (anything from an entire truffle to a Beef Curry Pot Noodle). They can then choose to make a dish with that ingredient or open another box hoping for a better one. Hosted by Delia Smith (obviously).
Actually, that might get commissioned…
The Earl Grey Whistle Test
Whispering Bob brews up some heady tastes.
Songs of Braise
Aled Jones sings choral melodies whilst cooking a beef casserole.
DINLT we should do lunch one day eh?
Angelo’s?
Buggrit, DINLT, something with the OGWT has been eluding me all morning. Well done.
Bit of a lie in Jamie?
Black Cooks
Miserablist chef running a small cafe with a crazy troll and the odd looking one off of Green Wing/ The Archers
DeadPud
Bringing back to life lost desert recipes from the American West.
I warn you Nick…I am a carnivore!
Question Thyme
A panel of politicians are questioned on their herb preferences.
*wins competition for worst suggestion*
The Box of Turkish Delights
lovely children’s fantasy based on the books by John Masefield, but with added rose water
Jamie that is brill!
I care not what others eat…
They do a mean calzone..
Oh…and Jamie I cannot understand why The Italian Job (1969) is not listed on your favourite films. Obviously an oversight.
Cookside
Scouse soap that never really took off, due to the residents’ inability to pronounce it nicely.
Byker Stove
Children’s drama about cooking. This week, PJ loses his sight in a freak oil and water accident.
Cheers DINLT – Italian Job was mentioned, but didn’t quite make top 5 – “I” was a surprisingly strong category – and I went for 3 ‘poncy’ (as Naps would say) foreign films in the final fivesome. I do really like Italian Job though – honest!
Call My Muffin
Hosted by Sandi Togsvik, guests have to guess whether the placenta was ever a cake name, or was only ever used about mamalian embryonic food transfer systems
Sorry – missed Fourstar’s question – yep a lie in until 11, though did wake up shaking and screaming after nightmares – needed the lie in to recover my equilibrium
Humph, this website hates me. It keeps losing my comments.
Trying again with this one:
Educating Marmalade
General and specialist knowledge quiz for preserves.
Poor Jamie.
Have a lovely cup of chamomile to help you relax
Camberwick Greens
Windy Miller and Mrs Honeyman try to convince kids that sprouts are lovely
Candied Camera
Oompa Loompa’s hidden camera stunts
This is completely off topic, but I have just heard (on Working Lunch) that the man in charge of printing coins in Chile has been sacked – for misspelling Chile as ‘Chiie’ on all bazillions of coins since 2008, and they have just noticed.
Is this funny, or am I just in need of human contact?
The Fresh Mince of Bel-Air
Hollywood celebrities feed joints of meat through a mincing machine and then sell the results at a fete to raise money for charity.
The Chart Stew
Hi tech Hi energy rundown of this week’s top of the pots
Chocky
Petrifying children’s sci fi series about an alien Dairy Milk bar
Fiona Mayhem is on fire. Not literally I hope, but you’re like a punnery machine today, Mel.
Well, I have a burning ring, if that counts, Jamie?
Sorry, TMI?
Cold Feast
Boring drama about 30 something chefs and how they all settle down and cook for weddings and divorce parties
The Crystal Glaze
Quiz show in which contestants compete to find the most expensive edible glazes in the World, and what foods they can be used on.
Bargain Hunt
Our intrepid teams must scour the supermarkets for buy one get one free offers that they must then sell on at the village fete for a profit.
Yes, TMI, Mel. I wouldn’t start telling you about the piles I’ve been having recently would I – the ones that pop out and hang down. Especially around lunch time.
Thats awesome Mel.
AWESOME!
Dad’s Barm Cake
How the Home Front rescued much beloved bread products from the threat of Hitler
Thanks Ex – I have been trying to post that since about 10.00 this morning, but have only just managed to get it through.
Stupid censorous website technology. I don’t think it liked me saying B.O.G.O.F. without the full stops
Yet it has no problem with jesus tittyfucking christ.
It’s a fey beast.
Danger Mousse
Intrepid superhero pudding and his fight against the evil Bacon Greenback
Fry Day Nights with Jonathan Ross
It’s my pleasure to introduce 4 guys who love nothing more then to get a meaty banger in the mouth….
Ha. Ahaha.
Ho.
The New Adventures of Souperman
Clark Kent tours metropolis in his new job of a soup salesman who…. nope, this isn’t going anywhere.
Bread Ringers
Jon Culshaw makes food staples that look like celebrities
Dempsey and Makepies
She is a British copper, he is an American baker. CAn they fight crime, and make beautiful pies together, or will they forever bicker about whether apple or pumpkin pie is better?
Danger Mousse is brilliant
Howard’s Whey
Soap based around the intrigues in sailing and cheesemaking. In Southampton
There’s a lull, here, the time of Friday commonly called “Waiting for Pilchard”
Jamie and his Magic Torch
A programme dedicated to Jamie Oliver as he tours the nation’s kitchens with his mini blow-torch, caramelising the tops of creme brulees as he goes.
Bloody Hell Mel, you should get unpleasant illnesses more often.
Well, not really, but you know what I mean.
*Has a way with women*
Give Us a Roux
in which Una Stubbs and Lionel Blair must wordlessly act out celebrity chefs for their teams to guess
um, thanks Thumps. I think.
Bland Designs
This week Kevin McCleod visits couples that want to make buildings from blancmange. Next week, cheese straws
Mary, Mungo and Fridge
Range Hill
Children’s TV about a cookery school. Will the pupils master knofe skills in time for their planned fight with Runny Junket school? Will Jackie manage to get Zamo off the sugar or will he succumb to his addiction? Who drowned poor Danny Kendal in a pool of liquid mint cake?
*knife skills, obviously
Kale and Mace
Sketch show, starring the eponymous duo. Most famous sketch is ‘the Two Rums’
Have I Got Stews for You
PAul and Ian discuss all kinds of stews, daubes and braises, and all kinds of ingredients in an amusing and topical manner
Back from the pub. Have I missed much?
*looks at Mel’s output*
Christ!
Fourstar – I am using it as a way to distract me from being sick. It is working well so far…
And now on BBC1, tonight’s film - The Hobbit, starring Anthony Worrall-Thompson.
The Hitch Hikers Guide to The Galaxy
Less petrifying alien chocolate-based drama
Other existing suitable shows:
Late Lunch
Dinnerladies
The Herbs
Harry Hill’s TV Burp
Gregg Wallace and Gromit
The characatured, odd-looking, one dimensional figure of fun joins forces with Gromit as they visit eating establishments on their motorbike and sidecar.
Jacob’s Creek
Poorly thought out crossover between under par magician detective and a cheap plonk
Life on Mars Bar
About a cop who wakes up in another time, and flakes have not even been invented.
With its sequel, set in more hippy times, ‘Hashcakes to Hashcakes’
Cadburys Heroes
Couldn’t be arsed to think of a coherent plot. Rather like the writers of Heroes.
Babafather
Based on PAtrick Augustus’s novel of the same name, telling the tale of four grown men struggling with the issues of friendship, love, and pastry cheffing in Central London
Minipops
teeny tiny beverages singing hits off of the 80s
Footballer’s Hives
Honey production becomes a competetive hobby for the Earls Park players. Who will get stung in this week’s intriguing episode as they battle for the best flowers and market share?
Magpie
Children’s cookery show off the 70s/80s, made by people with very big hair.
the Misfits
Adventures of misshappen chocolate pieces that are sent to a young offenders prison, only to become superheroes in a mysterious electrical storm
Magpie?
You’ve just taken an old title and said that it now involves cooking, or am I missing something?
The Fast Chew
Quick fire comedy and speed eating, with Dame Peggy Mills, Walt Whitman and Lemmy
Stock the Week
Alternative suggestion for the name of Fourstar’s really good idea ageas ago. With Frankie Boil, Andy Parsnips and Dara o’ Braun
Nick, throw me a frikken bone here. I am trying to keep up the output whilst running low on ideas and puking up my own kidneys. Not a very easy task.
Is there a record for most comments by a single person on a WWM thread? Surely Mel is set to break it today.
*round of applause*
Why Mel?
The Bone Show
Bleakley and Chiles discuss the merits of eating bone marrow at St John’s
Why what, Nick?
*Throws frikking bone*
Goodnight Sweetartichokeheart.
Rodney from Only Fools and Horses goes back in time to the 1940s where he bewitches the regulars in a pub with his vegetarian recipes, consisiting of mainly artichokes.
Only Gooseberry Fools and Main Courses
Our hapless hero, Del Boy, aided and abetted by his brother Rodders, attempt to get rich by running a restaurant that serves pudding and the main course the wrong way round.
Watch (hot) Dog
Anne Robinson watches a…erm…. hotdog.
As you were.
That’s great Jamie!
Opportunity Knockwurst
Talent show for german sausages
*crowbar*
Erm
Oranges playlist?
*gets coat*
Our Blenders in the North
Everyday tales of four blenders through the decades
The Eggs Factor
Pretty much the same as Mel’s Opportunity Knockswurst but with eggs performing in front of Simon Cowell.
*backs out of room*
Our Blenders in the North is a soup opera, naturally
Jamie, you can have that one!
Soft Peak Practice
Tales of doctors and their communities, as not a lot happens save that one doctor’s affair with an egg whips up fury in the community. Whips it to soft peaks
I hope with each suggestion, you are feeling less ill, Mel. It’s WWM-omeopothy.
The Gruel Planet
David Attenborough’s latest epic tale of life (mice, weevils, staots, etc) in the world’s largest porridge factory
A little, thanks Jamie. Although my spelling is still not getting better, I see
Ski Sundae
A mix of famous British skiers (er. wasn’t there one called Bell?), and off-piste ice cream manufacture.
I’ve never been able to spell diarrhoea if that helps, Mel. I just had to google it. I recommend avoiding the google image search though.
Aha Jamie, the way to remember that is that the order that the letters go in come in a handy little nemonic (not for yanks)
Doesn’t It Always Run Really Horribly Over Each Ankle
For if you need it in the future, like.
The Ascent of Pans
Anthropology series depicting how the invention of fire quickly led to advances in cooking utensils
That’s a great nemonic, Mel. I shall never spell it wrong again.
*probably will spell it wrong*
Life in the Freezer
Actually, the freezer is a pretty safe storage vessel, as it does not support much life. This is a series entirely about psychrophiles
Sort of does what it says on the tin, no?
Is everyone else all next door listening to the podcast?
Pop Tart Idol
Continuation on the food-based talent show theme
I think everyone’s gone, Mel. And they’d have trouble listening to the podcast – we’ve got to read it this week. Seems like a lot of effort to me.
A Question of Forks
Culinary Quiz show
Well, fuck that Jamie. The finger puppets are quite good though…
Well, I think I piqued a bit early, I am struggling for more kitchen based punnery. Where is Pilchard?
Indeed – I’ve never met Swineshead, but Napoleon’s is eerily lifelike.
You’ve done sterling work, Mel. Were it not for you this thread would no doubt have finished around mid-morning.
aw shucks Jamie. It was a lotta fun.
I am knackered now though.
Ah, you get the weekend to recover now. Hope you feel better soon. I will be enjoying dinner at the local pub – 2 meals for £5. Bargain (as long as you haven’t got a dodgy stomach)
Roobarb
ner-ner-ner-nerrrr-ner-ner-ner-nerrrr-ner-ner-ner-neh-neh-nehhhhhh
Fish Fingerbobs
*realises that nobody will remember Fingerbobs*
I think Ski Sundae was brilliant Jamie
Band of Broths
Big budget series about the contribution of a group of soups to the Normandy Landings
I remember fingerbobs, Thumps
I remember Fingerbobs, Thumps. Indeed, this week’s podcast tries to recreate some of that show’s big budget, finger puppet glory.
Was FingerBobs the same as FingerMouse?
If memory serves, Fingerbobs begat Fingermouse (unless it was the other way round).
Bloody Hell, Fingerbobs must be on for longer than I thought then.
You know, I was reading recently that they only made about 20 episodes of Andy Pandy, and yet it was on the TV for about 15 years. They just kept on showing the same episodes, and the children of Britain never noticed. Probably because their brains were underdeveloped due to rationing, powdered milk and Butterscotch Angel Delight.
They did it with loads of shows, Thumps. For example, they only made half a show’s worth of Pipkins, hoped that the half-eaten vision of Hell that was Hartley Hare would make kids switch off in terror, whilst at the same time the trauma of what they had just seen would be erased from their memory. Thus, when they came to watch Pipkins again, they came at all fifteen minutes’ worth of it with fresh eyes (and screams).
And there were only ever 13 Mr Benns as well.
Wikipedia says only 13 eps of FingerBobs ever made. 1972 so slightly before my time. Fingermouse was 1985 so that’s what i’d have seen.
Just to be clear, I’ve never fingered a mouse though.
Pipkins was desperate wasn’t it? Plus there was the snoozathon that was The Sullivans that came on straight after it. I bet that had the lowest advertising rates ever on ITV. I bet your local Taj Mahal curry house (2 minutes from this cinema) could have afforded a slot.
I just want to make clear that I must have seen Fingerbobs as REPEATS, not the first time round.
yes, me too. I wasn’t even thought of when it first came out
My great grandfather wasn’t even thought of when it first came out.
Damn, I’ve gone too far, haven’t I?
Right I’m off. It’s been a pleasure talking to you all as always. Hope you have a great weekend.
Ciiiaaaaaooooo
Richard Dawkins: The Enemies Of Seasoning
Me too – am going to watch Chris Packham on Cash in the Celebrity Attic. That sounds tragic doesn’t it?
*am still going to watch it*
Jim’ll Bisque It
Jimmy Saville makes your wish come true – provided your wish involves turning something into a thick, creamy soup.
Noel’s Grouse Party
Saturday night entertainment for the landed gentry.
Comedown Kitchen
Sunday, 8am
Cookery programme for exhausted ravers. This week, the roof of Jamie Oliver’s mouth begins to bleed after he foolishly eats one Space Raider. And what was that noise? Perhaps the people in the upstairs flat are laughing about you.
where the fuck is everyone?
Hill Street Booze
Keith Floyd was to play main character Sgt Pisupski, a rogue chef turned cop with attitude. It’ll taste great as long as your hammered
Starbursts In Their Eyes
A live studio audience fling handfuls of sweets into the confused faces of wannabe singers.
Comment algebra:
298 comments – Pilchard = astonishing
Let x equal = WWM implosion and y = Pilchard presence
y(everyone totally on fire)(Mel + illness) = x
I think we narrowly avoided a catastophe today. Feel better soon Mel.
How To Look Good Basted
Gok Wan helps some ugly people build their confidence by encouraging them to smear themselves all over with duck fat.
Q. Why is he on telly??
A. To save me money. Turn it straight off.
Do these freaks really represent society??
CSI: Lasagna
*has only just realised it’s Friday*
Just reading through these… Fiona, you deserve a medal.
Danny’s Diarrhoea caused by Britain’s Deadliest Menu
Each week, viewers get call in to recommend low-rent e-coli riddled establishments to send Danny to, in the hope of causing him such horrendous diarrhoea that he dies.
Deleted! Blimey. Sorry if I over-stepped the mark
No need to apologise, old bean.