Not content with trying to trick poor people with a low grasp of statistics that it’s possible to have a system to ‘beat the banker’, Noel Edmonds has reportedly got a show in development which actually has contestants being asked questions chosen by a monkey.
Beat The Monkey!
The premise is that the monkey will ‘choose’ the questions by turning over numbered stones, seemingly at random.
Because you can’t be sure how a monkey will behave when confronted with the hot lighting and screeching old women involved in a normal, studio-based production, the ‘random selection’ will have to be pre-recorded. Despite this, the tension of not knowing whether the monkey will pick up the stones as desired or will instead start flinging turds (his or Noel’s) at a horrified studio audience will undoubtedly make better telly than if Edmonds was presenting by himself.
So, the question selection won’t be that random after all. I mean – how many sequences of a monkey picking up stones will they film? And who will choose the films? It’d need a system akin to the National Lottery’s ball-set and machine picking them out chaotically in order to be truly random.
A far better idea would be to get the monkey to actually present the programme. They could have questions hidden under a load of things, only asked as the monkey touches them or picks them up. Given Noel’s history of using gunge and showing people up with a bloke dressed as a spotty Barbapapa, I reckon the thrill of never knowing whether you’ll get a question, be attacked or have bodily fluids hurled at you by an over-excited simian wouldn’t be too far a leap for the average contestant on this kind of programme.
Perhaps we could even go so far as to feature less of great ape Noel and more of the cute little marmoset. If they did that, I might even watch it. In fact, the idea’s already proven it has the potential to be a bigger ratings spike than anything featuring those ITV chimps, Ant and Dec.
Reserve a place for me on the sofa, Saturday nights.
*end of football comment*
26 Comments
I’d like to see it the other way round. Edmonds picking the cards and the monkey erm…no hang on…
Arternoon all.
I’m still at home…
Yes Nick, the urge to ask how we would tell the difference between the two was great, but I resisted.
Could the chimp have a goatie?
Please?
It’s all fun and games til someone has a monkey bite their face off.
Well Ex, Noel does like to tempt the hand of tragedy now and then in his shows.
Do you reckon they’d let him borrow a monkey from his old Crinkly Bottom theme park? Would keep production costs down.
I can’t believe this is actually a real concept. The Bucket idea that someone (Pilchard probably) came up with is, frankly, better idea.
I’ve always thought that televising pitching meetings would be better than many of the programmes themselves Ex!
The idea sounds as appealing as show entitled “Spank That Monkey”, starring Noel and his phallus.
Nice post, Mel, I see you’ve tried to trump my mention of Fingerbobs with that crafty mention of Barbapapa. And you’ve succeeded!
Thanks Thumps. When i saw the headline, I couldn’t resist. And it made more sense than flipping mumsnet.
I found the perfect monkey (ape)
I mentioned Fingerbobs in the non podcast post…
Jesus Nick, that looks like an ape crossed with a klingon.
Is that where you have been, looking up all monkeys?
Oh yeah, Nick? Well I mentioned Fingerbobs FIRST
And while we’re at I’m now mentioning Barnaby the Bear, Crystal Tipps & Alasdair, Why Don’t You? Murphys’s Mob and the Double Deckers.
So there!
Right, then I’m claiming Bod, Playaway, the Muppets, Mr Benn, amnd Jamie and the Magic Torch.
Oh, and The Boy From Space and Badger Girl.
And Chocky!
You can’t have The Muppets Mel, they belong to everyone. Like Sesame Street-
*Claims Sesame Street*
Ha, I had that Ernie in the back of my cab, only the other day. And I won’t tell you about what little gift that green twerp kermit left me.
*wins the Muppets*
*runs in*
Chockablock! And Bertha! Anything where you put things into slots, which I was obsessed with as a child *looks askance*
*runs out again*
This show sounds great!
*halts development on The Bucket, sacks production team and retires*
*quickly starts developing rival show starring Dave Lee Travis and a moth*
You don’t need to retire the Bucket, Pilchard. Just add some zoo animals.
ffs..
The interesting thing is his name can become ‘Lone DD Semun’.
Speaking of tools, has anyone seen Tool Academy on MTV? I have been in Bulgaria for a week and with only Eurosport and 2 hours of english subtitled MTV.de a day it was a real find. The most hideous muscle bound american shag monkeys were lectured by a posh english ladies about how to improve their relationships and stop fucking around. One minute they were crying, the next they were toplessly buff and fighting. Genius TV. Check it out if you get a chance.
In case you hadnt guessed one is voted out each week with the immortal line “Kelvin, you are a complete tool, you must leave Tool Academy”.
Excellent Squirtle. I had seen that advertised, and imagined that it was some kind of dragon’s den for the DIY enthusiast.
On those grounds, I didn’t really want to watch it.
I have mentioned Mary, Mungo and Midge
*wins*
Right you lot, I am off. I am doing pancake day for all the non-Brits who are a bit baffled as to why we only have them once a year.
See you all tomorrow, Happy Pancake day
I don’t think we can add zoo animals to The Bucket, Mel. I’m almost certain that if we did that, Melvyn Bragg would no longer want to be the host.