The new producer of children’s television programme Hollyoaks, Paul Marquess has begun his tenure by axing sixteen of the show’s regulars.
Marquess has a reputation for massive overhauls, serialising The Bill when he took charge and being responsible for adding more sensationalist and controversial story-lines. However his cost-cutting plans to set Sun Hill police station in his living room and replace all actors with his Mother’s ornaments were rejected by ITV.
In a move tantamount to giving a dying swan a back-handed slap, the incoming boss has commissioned the behind-the-scenes team to write out the following major characters:
- Irish cross-dresser Kris
- Emo kid Barry aka Newt
- Terry, the baker with a heart of gold
- Dave
- Jerry, the butcher with a heart of gold
- Des
- Jane, an admin assistant with impressive data entry skills
- Former mental patient Jake Dean
- Barry, the goldsmith with a heart condition
- Stripper Loretta
- Angus the grumpy crocodile
- Mentally-ill Spencer
- The Ghost of American serial killer Ted Bundy
- Zak
- Pete Beale
- The entire Valentine family
- Henry Kissinger, the former US Secretary of State
The move has caused no uproar from literally none of the show’s fans. A Facebook group has not been set up about it and Twitter isn’t buzzing about the decision.
A Channel Four spokesperson was not asked to comment.
*end of football comment*
51 Comments
He’s missed a trick there. I’d have cut the set, all actors and actresses, the music, the graphics, the writers, production team, anyone involved in any way with the show and the airtime on Ch4. That’s real cost-cutting!
Here’s my joke. I’ve been mulling it over for a couple of days now:
Q. Did you hear what happened to the chicken that was bigger than all the others?
A. She was ostrich-sized (ostracised)
If Paul Marquess was in charge of jokes around here he’d be cutting that one Mr Green…
Instead he’s seemingly reducing a cast of thousands to a cast of about 100. And still no actual talent to be found. Oh well, as long as there are some hotties eh?
*glad women’s day is done and dusted for another 364 days*
They should merge with another soap to help cut costs.
“Hollyoakenders”
“Coronation Oaks”
Up yours Crispybits, up yours to the max!
Hollydale Farm, Nick?
That’s actually quite bad Mr Green. But is that, in turn, good? We’ll never know.
Meh, that’s always been it’s raisin d’etre, Crispy, was there ever any actual talent? Remember when Gary Lucy had to have a second facial expression bummed out of him? (Am I allowed to say that? Bummed off of him, maybe?)
I’m watching yesterday’s Enders. Abi is freakishly, freakishly tall.
but is she as tall as a massive chicken JRME?
I’ve had the punchline ‘ostrich-sized’ in my head for ages now, driving me bloody mental and all I get is stick *sobs*
I’d laugh at your jokes if you all made jokes *continues sobbing*
and I’d say you were all sexy and smell nice *sobs and farts*
Coronenderdaleoaks?
Oh yeah, then they sent him to Footballers Wives to showcase his new found acting skills? I miss Gary Lucy, where is he? Perhaps him and Jeremy Edwards are writing the a pitch for a Hollyoaks: Where Are They Now? special on Sky Two?
Sorry Mr Green, didn’t realise you were so sensitive. It’s a great punchline, just think you’ve got more in you that’s all.
*pats Mr Green on the head in a not at all patronising manner*
You didn’t laugh at MY made up joke Mr Green.
“Security Gourd”
Plus mine was funny….
Gary Lucy actually used to be two people, one male and one female actor, until the last round of Hollyoaks cuts in 2001.
FACT.
Interceptor – as big as an ostrich-sized chicken, but strangely, not as big as an ostrich.
Mr Green! It’s just that…ostrich-sized doesn’t sound like ostracised…really…sorry. Don’t cry. Or fart.
I did, Nick. I just didn’t write it down.
I’d like to formally announce my retirement from the joke writing industry. I’ve my ups and downs and I’m looking forward to new challenges in Livestock Haulage. God-bless you all. Even Nick.
I’m a big fan of that joke.
I’d like to hear a better flightless bird joke from someone else… C’mon!
*wipes tears from eyes*
Really, Steve? You mean you really like it?
*wipes nose on sleeve*
*farts*
I know one about an emu….
Go on then, Fourstar. I promise i’ll laugh!
*narrows eyes at everyone else*
I really dodo, Mr. Green.
It’s a bit long…
What do Yorkshire flightless birds say when they see Matt Bellamy and his friends?
‘ee Muse
(Emus)
Do you see?
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*sees*
That’s pretty good Jamie. I may not bother with mine.
*bows and takes in generous applause*
Greetings all
…but the punchline is:
‘Well, my last wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.’
Are you sure it shouldn;t have been “tight p*ssy”? That’s the version wot I heard…
I thought the ostrich joke was great – and that is my emu-ttable opinion.
(Like immutable but with ‘emu’ – another flightless bird – in it)
Can Emus fly?
If not, forget I said anything.
Ask Rod Hull…
No, hence the term “The emu a flightless bird”
My last comment needs the phrase “The emu, a flightless bird” said in an American accent ala The Discovery channel.
If you can’t do that accent, it may be lost on you.
Kelly Brook is a flightless bird.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Unless she gets on a plane.
Oh…
Nice one Jamie *punches Jamie on shoulder*
Fourstar – I don’t get it.
OH! Now I get it.
A dead parrot would also be a flightless bird.
There’s a little known comedy sketch which revolves around a man taking a dead parrot back to a pet shop. You probably haven’t seen it – I found it quite amusing.
hello!
i don’t watch hollyoaks so even if this was real, like, i’d not give two shits.
now survivor samoa, that’s a different story.
The Goodies Jamie?
Oh no, that was a giant goose…
*cue Napoleon*
I watch Hollyoaks for the tits.
And also sometimes the female actresses.
Fla- doom……tish!
Not sure, Nick. I’ve only got a vague memory of it. I’m surprised it’s not been shown on them there clip shows or something. I think a lumberjack went into a pet shop with a dead parrot, but i may have dreamt that.
Let’s not cue Napoleon – he’ll only be back with his insinuations.
It was 1996 when I last watched Hollyoaks. Are Kurt and Jambo still in there? And the fairly good looking blonde?
It had a golden egg Jamie…
*runs in*
The question must be though, will anyone notice? Their acting and characters are all pretty wooden in any case
Hello WWM, this week it looks like I will mostly be watching from afar. Bloody work.
*runs out again*
Hello? No-one around then?
*whacks on Tenacious D CD*
*looks up naughty websites*
Would you mind turning the music down a bit?
*notices computer screen*
Ooh, what’s that you’re looking at
It’s this, Jamie.
DARE YOU CLICK IT? DARE YOU?
Hmm. Damn hover reveal. I really should have bit.ly’d that to heighten the suspense a little.
My eyes. My eyes.
(*whacks*)
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Marquess’ butchering of a huge chunk of the cast should come as no surprise. He has demonstrated his clear inability to work with the characters on a show before- as mentioned above. The reason why, and why he keeps getting work is even more disturbing. One can only conclude that Marquess is either so bad at his job that he can’t develop storylines with material that wasn’t originally his own; or, he’s so wrapped up in himself, that he’s unable to identify with or do any research on the characters he’s been assigned to direct.
But what is most disturbing is that he keeps getting work. TV networks, clearly to the ire of fans (as has been the feedback on the announcement of his employment as Producer) keep hiring him. One can’t comprehend why. Surely there are people with more talent in their pinky, than Marquess, who can do a more satisfying job for all interested parties?
I agree. Especially with the first two paragraphs.
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