You can only have so much of a good thing, and so it comes to pass that The Junior Apprentice comes to a sudden end after only six short episodes. It’s been a lot of fun, but I suppose a full run of an adult series might be a bit much for an infant to take.
Having said that, they all seemed a lot tougher under fire than the adult contestants we’ve seen in the past. A mixture of youthful confidence and a lack of pride build-up means they’ve largely been a joy to watch.
Spending time with other people’s kids: what a pleasure it is.
You get to legitimately play with Lego, at no point do you have to think about what tracker-rate you’ve got on your mortgage, you can get endless comic mileage out of a few basic scatalogical truths and, if you’re well behaved, no-one has to be put on any kind of registar.
The best thing of all, of course, is that it’s brief.
From six to five last night, as another budding business mogul was jettisoned from the Junior Apprentice mix. This one looked good on paper – but her rez-yoooooo-may didn’t quite match up to her practical skills, see?
We’ll get to who it was that got the chop later, but first let’s look at how last night’s art-selling task went.
Week three of the Muppet Babies Apprentice, then. The Mini Babybels of the business world are still happily rolling around the great field of commerce, being all red and cute, and reminding us that – while there are normal-sized Edam rounds looming darkly over the horizon (the grown-up Apprentice will be back at the end of the year) – these tiny versions are frankly more palatable.
Much as we love that chunky plastic cheese, it’ll be bloody difficult to stomach a whole Yasmina-shaped one now.
You can’t go wrong with a bemused horse. Ask any reality television producer. A cutaway to a shot of a bemused horse is always an absolute winner.
The look of bemusement on a placid horse’s face, when cut to after a furious bout of frenetic energy, wholesale panic and people being vile to one another, is a guaranteed change in energy and pace. It says ‘as this lot show themselves up for your entertainment, the world continues to turn’.
While the grown-ups are all busy talking electoral hooey at each other, the kids have taken over town. But those of you craving back-stabbing, management doublespeak and masses of self-aggrandising need not fret:
Junior Apprentice, aka The Minipprentice, aka Apprentsy Malone has landed, and it’s all there in spades!
Always worth a read, there’s a pleasingly volatile post here from Mr Mof Gimmers of TV Scoop, regarding the possible axing of BBC 2’s The Delicious Miss Dahl. Not that he’s that big a fan, mind you – more that he dislikes Masterchef and other more fiercely competitive cookery shows and welcomes a slower pace in the genre.
I think that’s what he means. He swears so much, it makes me lose focus. Mucky boy.
Have you been watching the current series of Nevermind The Buzzcocks, which is halfway through its run on BBC2? Have you noticed how, in the manner of Have I Got News For You, they’ve managed to spice the gags and tweak the dynamic so that the presenter is close to arbitrary?
Do you like cooking?
Are you a keen gardener?
Oh – one other thing… do you like homeopathic remedies?
If you ticked all of the above, you’ll love BBC2’s new cooking, gardening and homeopathic remedy show: Grow Your Own Drugs.
It’s a strange mixture of all of these elements squeezed into a format similar to Nigella Express or Chinese Food Made Easy. The only problem is, where those are both straightforward cookery shows, Grow Your Own Drugs’ presenter, James Wong sets out to squeeze in a factual basis for what he’s doing, growing the plant, cooking or preparing it and then, with the clock ticking away, providing a little bit of testimonial as to whether or not it worked. It’s a lot to slot in. Where Ching-He Huang migh collar a builder, cook for him, then eat with him, Wong has to jump through several hoops before he’s even at the hob.
Not only that, he’s also legally bound to provide disclaimers throughout. He starts the series off saying he’s ‘not some weird hippy’, slightly defensively, and proceeds throughout the show to warn us that he’s ‘not a doctor’, explaining that the tests aren’t ‘clinical trials’ and telling viewers not to smear pulverised fruit on their face if they’re worried that they might have allergies.
It comes across as incredibly restricting, as though Wong can’t get into his stride because he’s fenced in by indie-intros, justifying his own existence and explaining that he’s not a dispenser of pharmaceuticals. With half an hour to try and cure insomnia, constipation and dry skin using just a fruit bowl, the poor sod was always going to be up against it. The Naked Chef first appeared over a decade ago, but still the BBC are using this tired and stilted format for a large percentage of its factual TV, even when the content isn’t suited to it at all.
However, you don’t have to take my opinion as fact as I’m not a qualified writer. Always see a certified critic before watching gardening, cookery and homeopathy based television shows.
BBC2 have served up another sublime series of Masterchef this year and it’s difficult to choose which of the three finalists should win. In fact – I want them all to win, buy an island together and set up the most chaotic restaurant in the world, overcooking pies and not allowing cheesecakes to set until their hearts are thoroughly content.
But there can be only one – and my personal frontrunner at the moment is Andy, who last night managed to serve up what looks like a small, pastry panda sitting on a potato-bamboo raft (pictured above).
They’ve been through the tough times and tonight all they have to do is cook their best three-courser to seal their victory. They can count themselves lucky they’ve got past the stage where they have to cook for the critics. Anyone who has to go face-to-face with Jay Rayner without vomiting has been challenged, and being able to leave a meeting with that gorgon Kate Spicer without being turned into a miserable statue is a win in itself.
Let’s have a look at them in more detail…
* * *
Chris – The Small Boy:
Chris is a hapless little man, 24 years of age, who falls to amusing pieces when asked to lead a group. With the most unconvincing self up-talk of the bunch, you can’t help but feel sorry for him when he’s onscreen gazing at squid-ink pasta with an expression that reads ‘I am terrified of food’.
Reason to back him: He’s the youngest, is fresh-faced and seems like a decent chap.
Andy – The Comeback Kid:
Despite initally seeming like a bit of a braggart, Andy’s won us over despite his awkward swagger. Having failed last series, he’s returned stronger and is constantly rescuing Chris from disaster like a catering child-minder. Andy is pretty selfless and pretty bloody good at the old cooking. He’s earned his place in the final.
Reason to back him: The ‘comeback’ angle gives him the kind of story Producers loves to put out there.
Mat – The Happy Egg:
Mat’s the oldest and probably the most accomplished of the three, with the best palette on the evidence provided. He’s also endearingly weeble-like, and his goatie somehow makes him even more humpty like. After listening to him speak every day for the past two or three weeks, I still can’t place his accent, mind you.
Reason to back him: He cries all the time. Happy or sad, Mat’s your best bet for a blub-off. The cameras love an eye-dribbler.
* * *
Who will win?
Who deserves to win?
One things for sure – ‘whoever wins, it’ll change their life’.
BIG GUTSY FLAVOURS!
*end of football comment*
