
When David entered the Big Brother house he thought he’d finally achieved his wildest and most impossible dream.

When David entered the Big Brother house he thought he’d finally achieved his wildest and most impossible dream.

Nobody cares! Apart from a few hormone-addled teenagers and some gossiping housewives – absolutely NOBODY cares who will win this years Big Brother! And even though we’re well into Week 53, there are still 117 housemates left, arguing about bread supplies, blabbering about game-plans and falling rapidly in and out of love with one another. It’s like they’ve taken the rulebook, shat on the rulebook and then BURNT the rulebook in that stupid one-storey house.
All the same – let’s press on and look at what chance the remaining howsmeeyuts have of winning the bloody thing.

Just catching up on last night’s Big Brother action – and for once there’s something vaguely interesting going on. Namely – the humiliation and manipulation of one of the nicest housemate’s in BB history – poor old Siavash. As you probably know, after he had his brief, speculative fling with Noirin and pissed off pal Marcus in the process, the producers have now seen fit to chuck in the oft-mentioned ex-boyfriend Noirin wouldn’t shut up about. And judging him on first impressions- thin-slicing like a rabied opinionater – he seems like an absolutely massive arse.

Remember Fred Elliot in Coronation Street? If your memory’s failing you, he was the enormous butcher who talked like Foghorn Leghorn and stole every scene he appeared in. Well, I can’t look at recent Big Brother recruit David without thinking of that long lost soap character. Like Fred, he’s blessed with a booming voice, a northern accent, a weird-shaped head and a barrel-chested gait. The only real difference is one of age. And one of highlights. And one of gaudy, luminous latex clothing. But what Fred Elliot did in his spare time was his business.
It’s day 46 (apparently), and Overweight Gay Man is exercising in a half-arsed fashion with Wet Blanket in the garden. Meanwhile, Irish Girl talks to a man with the preposterously pumped-up physique of ’70s has-been Lou Ferigno about somebody called ‘Marcus’. Unless I’m very much mistaken, ‘Marcus’ is the bone idle little bastard the editing team keep cutting back to under a duvet.

So… BB10.
I’ve caught a bit here and there and, for the most part, am maintaining a dignified distance apart from a few shameful 4OD viewings late at night, when nobody can see me. What I think I’ve figured out is that this year they’ve gone for boring stereotypes who are almost offensively generic in their chosen renderings of glamour model, lesbian, token foreigner, pretty bi boy, northern gay boy, girl next door and that one you never notice but who always ends up in the final.
I’ve been trying to actively engage with Big Brother 10 and have, so far, watched every episode – from the Live Launch to the Sunday eviction, and every episode this week since the non-housemates became proper housemates. That is to say, they no longer were forced to sleep on the floor in one room wearing boiler suits and vests.

Is there any significance in the BBC scheduling their new nature strand Living With Monkeys to end just as episode six of the tenth series of Big Brother wibbles lazily onscreen over at Channel 4?
You have to wonder.
I’ve been keeping obediently abreast of incidents in the Big Brother house and it’s instilled in me a kind of weary brain-sickness that I can’t yet explain.
I’ll try to get my head around it tomorrow.
On the day Channel 4 launch the new Big Brother, Piqued and Swineshead (that’s me) discuss the history of the show, memorable contestants from the past and also the ways in which Channel 4 might improve the show. We also frown at the suggestion that BB has changed the face of TV, consider how long it’d take to masturbate a silverback gorilla and ponder the criticism of TV critics.
It’s right good fun. Have a listen, by all means, but don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE OVER HERE!
Any suggestions for what we should talk about next time? Comment below, if you please.