She’s fought, fought, fought, fought, fought for her love, but the latest revelations about Ashley Cole’s sex life have proved too much for miming X Factor judge, Cheryl Cole.
And now, demonstrating an aptitude for irony that could be entirely coincidental, she’s apparently seen fit to dump him – via the medium of text message.
Alright, I know that most of Le Square aren’t particularly au fait with technology. Most of them don’t even own doorbells. But imagine – can you imagine – if they discovered the power of Twitter? No more ill-advised confessionals over a gin and Jif Lemon down the Vic. They could pour themselves forth on the internet instead and have the whole of soap land stumble upon their nasty little secrets. Or, in Chelsea’s case, what she’s thinking of doing with her fringe this week…
Listen to the way Sky News presenter Kay Burley tells James O’Brien that ’she hopes he’s not suggesting we [Sky News] have an agenda’.
The befuddled, politically-confused but vaguely amiable LBC presenter is, as we all know, currently in the middle of a media storm because of his appraisal of Frank Lampard’s marriage break up and, more pertinently, the midfielder’s angry and occasionally incoherent reaction to it.
The fact of the matter is, Burley may have a bit more of an agenda than she’s letting on. She is, after all, the mother of Frank Lampard’s agent’s child.
So now we know why the death of Lampard’s mother is so heavily marked in her diary… I was starting to feel ashamed that I’d not sent a card…
I must’ve missed this.
The BBC, skilful self-flaggellators of the moment, have issued an apology. On Match of the Day 2 – presumably in the company of new man, Adrian Chiles – old-school football manager Alan Pardew made a bit of a boo boo. When discussing the Chelsea match, ‘Pards’ used an ill-advised verb to describe a Michael Essien challenge:
The 47-year-old said “He’s timed it perfectly. He’s a strong boy. He knocks him off – he absolutely rapes him.”
According to the BBC, there would have been an instant apology, except everyone in the studio thought Pardew had said ‘raked’. Which, to be honest, would have made a lot more sense.
Of course, all this is small-fry compared to some howlers from the ages. Let’s have a look back over past bloopers from the mouths of pundits.
‘Robbie Savage has cut inside, tugged his shirt, bent him over and come forcefully into his eye-socket there – it’s as if he’s skull-fucked Craig Bellamy off the park’.
Lee Dixon on Football Focus, 2004
‘Mark Overmars is a slutty lad who is basically begging to be molested. The way he dribbles the ball – it’s as if he’s wearing a miniskirt and tarty war-paint. Roy Keane slides in and thieves the ball like a hand into a brassiere, passing to Andy Cole who takes an opportunistic upskirt shot with the loose ball. I think we can honestly say that they’ve actively sexually assaulted the nimble Dutchman with that one-two’.
Mark Lawrenson on Match of the Day, 1998
‘You’ll never win anything with kids’
Alan Hansen on Match of the Day, 1995
This week Jonathan Ross’s megastar guest is world-famous Cheryl Cole – the extraordinarily untalented Girls Aloud singer and charm-free co-sneerer on The Fucking X Factor.
By Christ – looking at some of the quotes it looks like Cheryl’s coming out with some really incisive stuff – we’re talking content that has never even been considered by a human mind before - let’s take a look. And please, if this just seems like gobbledegook, please don’t feel inadequate. We are looking at some pretty dangerous material here in terms of cutting edge topical observation.
“There’s no such thing as a private life in this industry. I spoke openly about my marriage in the past and it’s come back to hit me in the face… I learnt from the past that you shouldn’t do that.”
“There’s something about celebrities having a perfect life. People need to relax and realise we’re human, too.”
“All the tabloids have to fill their pages [even] when we’re not doing anything, it just rolls on.”
How very stoic. It’s amazing she can cope with all the publicity she gets when she and her money-grabbing bumfaced husband do absolutely nothing to court it.
I can tell you this: I’ll be tuning in, along with the rest of the nation, eager to focus on the complex nuggets of wisdom this intellectual powerhouse spouts from her stunning face whilst Jonathan Arse looks on wistfully, considering how much of our license fee he’d pay to have a go on her.
*end of football comment*
